Tag: DD

ANNA AND NATALIE 3: PAYING FOR BAD CHOICES

by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

I woke up with a headache. My sinuses stuffed and throat sore. I probably had fever. I knew I had to go to classes because of the ones I had skipped without a real reason. For a moment there, lying in a comfortable bed I thought: What the heck. I don’t care even if I fail… But then I heard Nat going down the stairs and I knew I wouldn’t be able to face her if I failed. I mean Mom would be difficult too, but she knows me. She knows I was a mess underneath those As. But Nat she doesn’t want to see the mess I am. She wants to believe I am brilliant. Just looking at her eyes and telling her that I failed..… oh… I had to get up.

Trying to pretend I felt better then I really did, I got ready and decided to skip breakfast so Nat wouldn’t notice anything. Of course, she has a freakin’ sixth sense.

-Hey, Nat- I stood in the doorway and blurted quickly: -I have to hurry… overslept. We have a discussion class…- And I started for the front door.

-Aren’t you going to eat before you go?

-I’ll grab something on the way- I sent her kisses and went for the door again

-Are you getting sick, honey? Wait a second.- She was walking towards me.

-Yeah, I think I might be. Don’t get too close though – the third one’s a charm, my hand on the doorknob…… or not. I felt her hand on my shoulder. Her eyes locked with mine the moment I turned around.

-Is everything OK? – but the suspicious tone was gone when she took a good look at me. Her hand on my forehead. – You have a fever, sweetie! You should be in bed. You really should go back. – when she saw that I am not moving, she continued – You are allowed to be absent 3 times per semester, right? if justified… – (yeah, I knew and used it all up already) She turned to go upstairs under the impression I was going to follow.

-Nat, I don’t feel that bad. I’ll just go to the first two classes and then I’ll come back. It’s really important I am there.

-Are you sure, sweetie? – I thanked God she doesn’t think as sharply as usual when she is worried.

-Yeah…- I wished I could hug her. But didn’t want her to get sick too…

****

The day was so long. I was about to fall asleep the whole time. My head was heavy. I felt cold, chills all over and just longed for my warm bed. The classes dragged on. Linda would get me tea on the breaks and I would put my head on my hands and try to rest at least a little bit. The medicine I took was not working at all. I couldn’t go to my doctor because he was our neighbor’s nephew and visited his uncle at least once every two weeks. I felt sooo weak. By the fourth class I started feeling dizzy and nauseated. And during the break I collapsed, in front of everyone!

Linda was too quick on the phone and next thing I knew I was waiting for Nat in the hallway. I was only thanking God the teacher witnessed the fainting and panicked so I was safe. Well, at least with him because he was the one who told me to go home and rest and that he would overlook my absence. Nat arrived, her heels making a sharp sound on the wooden floor. At the same time I was scared, I knew the scolding was inevitable, but also happy and relieved. I just wanted to cuddle.

-You told me you were going to come home after the second class- She stood in front of me. The dizziness was making her scarier than usual. I realized I had never been sick during the stay at her house. Must be the food she was making me eat. I half smiled. – Exactly what is funny?

-No, not funny. It’s just that … I am kind of dizzy…

-Should have obeyed and stayed at home, shouldn’t you?!- We were already walking and every part of my body felt so heavy and weak. I stopped and hugged her. I needed the comfort. Always a bit stiff when it comes to cuddling she put her hand on my hair and kissed the top of my head. I mumbled:

-I am sorry, Mom… Nat –   Whoa! I couldn’t believe what I had just said! I suddenly felt so guilty. I wished my Mom was there… She would have hugged me properly… but I still wasn’t letting go of Nat.

-Let’s go, honey-, she patted me gently on my butt.

****

Nat woke me up at about 8 pm. Mark, the doctor, was about to come (of course he couldn’t say no to her! It was soo obvious he was in love, I thought to myself) . I felt a bit better, took a shower and was even getting hungry. I came down the stairs, had couple of spoons of her famous green peas, but even sitting in a chair was just too tiring. I felt the fever rising. I checked when I went back to my room. It was 102 F! I couldn’t let them know! I’ll go for… 101? No… let’s say… 100.8. Yeah, that sounds credible.

Mark was taking notes and he wrote down the 100.8, but I wasn’t sure Nat believed me. I half expected her to tell me to take the temperature again. Mark seemed oblivious. I felt my lungs kind of hurting. The cough wasn’t terrible and I was trying to keep it down, mostly successfully.

-Look, it doesn’t seem too bad. Let’s listen to your lungs – (no..!!! I dreaded that and I was right) His face expression changed: – Hm.. this doesn’t sound right. Blood work is necessary and I think some antibiotics will be too. Maybe we should do an X ray as well…

My heart started racing. Blood work. Oh… I hate that. I hate needles. But.. at least he didn’t mention shots… that would be too much… and maybe if  I get better by tomorrow, maybe I’ll figure out a way to skip the laboratory. Wait what the heck is he doing. To my utter surprise he was pulling out the equipment to take my blood!!!! … No escape. Right there on the spot. Nat watching. No escape. Shit!! SHit ! SHit!!!

-Straighten your arm.- He had a soothing voice but I could see that neither of them realized that for me it wasn’t a routine blood work “it’s no biggie” stuff. He tied that thing around my upper arm and prepared the needle. I wanted to look brave. Nonchalant. Nat was taking the empty cups to the kitchen. Thank God! I could look away and brace myself. It hurt… ok it’s not too bad…. It’s going to be over soon… sooon… oh, come on Mark. OK… that’s done. I relaxed. Smile on my face.

*****

I fell back asleep in no time. Nat brought me one of her squeezed juices, the not so tasty beet one. It must have been midnight. She was probably working late. Or… staying up for me… I felt terrible seeing the circles around her eyes .She handed me the thermometer. I put it a bit further than my armpit in order to prevent the real number showing up. I had already devised the tactics. I’ll ask her for something when it’s about to start beeping and put it right so it shows something but not too much.

-Drink up, sweetie. – I got ready for the undesired taste, but she had put honey in this time and it was actually great! She gently brushed off the hair from my cheek. And then held the hand on my forehead. She was worried. – You’re burning up. How do you feel? – I felt horrible.    

– well.. ok. – I wanted her to just go and let me rest and go to rest herself. I remembered how my Mom would stay up all night and take temperature down by rubbing alcohol all over my body. I didn’t want that to happen. But at the same time I didn’t like that she took her hand off my face. I needed a gentle touch. I always do. The thermometer started beeping. Shit, I had forgotten to distract her and put it right. She made a move to pull it out. I panicked:

-I think I didn’t put it right

She continued pulling it out, looked at it and the firm gaze made a knot in my stomach.

-Kim told me you were afraid of shots,and that you would probably try a stunt like this… but this is childish Anna… – (She knew!! How did she see through me with such ease?) I felt embarrassed.

– I’ve known you since you were born! – she was cleaning the thermometer with ethanol – Did you really think you can pull something like that with me?

-Open up- she motioned to my mouth. I was appalled.

-No, .. Nat, I’ll do it right – My hand was left empty in the air.

-Anna, now.- She didn’t have to raise her voice. She had the coldest, ice tone when she wanted. I felt ridiculous with that thing in my mouth but I was starting to get too tired. Of course the fever had gone over 102.

– We have to take it down.- She took away my blanket. Soft warm blanket. I was freezing. -Take off the top

As if it wasn’t enough that she was pouring ice cold ethanol on my legs and feet. And as if it weren’t disgusting. I mean touching my feet! Yucky … The fabric of the T-shirt was hurting my skin. At least I have some dignity left with the undershirt. The alcohol went dry almost as she was beginning to rub it in. I could see she was worried but at that point I no longer cared. I just wanted to sleep.

****

It was a long night for both of us. I could hear that the phone woke her up.

-Yeah… I guessed so. Ahm. No, no, don’t worry about that I know how to do it. No, she’s not allergic. I know, God forbid… yes… of course. He can drop it off as well. Thank you so much!… Yes… I’ll let you know.

In a haze I wondered what it was that she knew how to do but I drifted off to sleep.

****

-Annie, honey, wake up. I have to give you a shot before I leave.- ( A shot! That’s a wake up strategy. Is she nuts!??) My eyes flung open to see her prepare the syringe and the needle … the knot in my belly grew tighter. – I will be here another two hours but we have to do it now in case you’re allergic. Come on, get ready.

She looked at me almost surprised that I hadn’t moved. What did she expect me to willingly expose myself to the needle?! I was like hypnotized. I felt the tears coming. The pending threat making my lips curl. She couldn’t believe it.

-Oh, Anna, come on! That is just too childish! You are not still afraid of a little prick.- She appeared to find it  funny. Well at least she didn’t look angry. – Anna, honey, come on.- She took away my soft blanket, my wonderful cover and protection and I was left in my panties and undershirt. I turned to lie on my back, my butt safe, and recovered my voice.

-Nat, can’t we… skip that…? – I was pleading and was about to start crying, my eyes already welled up.
-Anna, stop being a brat and turn around this instant. Don’t make me spank you before I give you the shot- She was menacing, but the needle was even more.

-Maybe… if I don’t have the fever anymore..(and I felt pretty good) maybe we could…- but she grabbed me by the waist and started turning me around. I wouldn’t give in.

-Fine.- She put the top back on the needle. Her knee on the edge of the bed, my butt was up in a second. She landed couple of quick smacks on the left cheek.“ooow!”

-OK, Now, relax your muscles- She was getting impatient, but I couldn’t, I was scared. – Anna! – I crossed the line, sick or not, wham, wham, smack.. I arched my back and my hand flew to protect my bottom. It ended up pressed against the small of my back. SMACK“owww”

-Will you be still and relax, now?

-uuhnn.. I ca-an’t – (Smack, smack, smack) – doo- don’t.. (smack )…uhhh …(.smack smack )Na— Nat …

My bottom was already stinging when she landed a few really tough ones.
– I (Smack) told you (Smack) to relax (SMACK). You will get the shot, you cannot evade  it. So let’s get it over and done with. With you everything has to be drama.

I felt so terrible.. and stupid… I tried my best to relax. The cold ethanol on the cotton… her finger clicking at the syringe, her hand pulling my panties  down (this is all so embarrassing ).

-Count to five and it will be over. And relax, OK, sweetheart?

She gently patted the spot and ouch!

-Count!

-UUUH.. one .. uhh two.. – I counted through the tears…- Make it faster Nat .. three.. uhh… four… uuhh five. It’s overrrr

-Almost, sweetie.- She pulled my panties back and set beside me stroking my hair gently. -Sometimes I think you’re a five year old in an adult body…
-I feel like that, too…- my sobbing was calming down. My bottom was sore in more than one way. I went for a hug and ended up head in Nat’s lap, she stroking my hair with love.
I wished I could stay there forever… and not go to university and face the professors.. and then… her… I couldn’t even imagine what she would do… 

ANNA AND NATALIE 2: SECRETS AND LIES PART 1

by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

Natalie hates laziness and I am a prime example of a lazy person. If it were up to me I would spend days and nights watching TV shows or reading novels, but mostly watching shows (guilty). I really don’t like exercising. I went to aerobic practice with her, because she insisted it was good for me, and I really wanted to please her and spend time with her, but after a while I just couldn’t exercise any more. It was boring and hard. Almost 20 years older than me she was jumping up and down, doing all the difficult exercises and kept saying how great she felt after the practice. I would stop and drink water, and take breaks to breathe. She let me off the hook a couple of times, but, then, I knew, she would start expecting me to be fitter and be able to go through the whole practice without stopping. The first time I made up an excuse I said I was going to tutor a high school senior on colonialism. She bought it. The next time my friend Linda had just come back from a long trip and wanted me to come over. She swallowed that one as well. Then I had my period. That one was true.

After a couple of days I called her from university saying I had some extra reading to do. She approved of studying though she noticed that I had been inside, sitting the whole day and that a little air and exercise might help me think better. I was feeling lazy and even though I really planned on staying at the library and doing some reading for a test I figured… Some air would really be good. So I started walking home… air would be good but a movie and ice cream would be perfect. I saw the lights were off and decided Nat must have already left. Her car was gone.
The joy overwhelmed me. I felt free to be me. Lazy… sloppy… sweatpants,.. lying on the couch … just me as I am… but then I realized that I was happy for allowing myself to be lazy I wasn’t happy anymore. I needed that ice-cream to forget how despicable I was. I didn’t care much about the movie. I overate and I was thinking that I should actually throw up because those calories would pile up quickly if I didn’t.

I didn’t think I was bulimic, because it wasn’t an everyday thing, but still I didn’t want anyone to know. Vomiting is disgusting. And plus I felt sleepy and I couldn’t go to sleep with my stomach full. I’d get fat… My mood was becoming progressively worse and I was sorry for not going to the practice.

The phone rang. Natalie! But the practice wasn’t supposed to have ended! I sat straight. (She knows when I talk to her lying down.)

-Hey, kiddow, how’s the studying?- She sounded cheerful and I loved when she called me kiddow. 

-Ahm.. not so well… I decided to go home actually.. I just… couldn’t focus – She paused. But the wonderful being that she is she decided to believe me ( or to pretend) and probably thought that maybe I needed to relax.

-Oh. Ok. I am here with Sandra. We are going for a light dinner so I thought maybe you’d like to join us?

Agrrrhhh, I would have been so tempted hadn’t I stuffed my face with ice cream. And plus, I missed relaxing time with Natalie. And Sandra is so funny and cheerful… but I am so not in the mood… aaagrhh… what to do… what to do…. Oh, I want to spend time with her…. aaa
– I’m coming. Wher’re you at?

I went to the bathroom. A quick ritual, washing the hands, fingers up my throat, ice cream out, brush the teeth, mouth rinse, drink a bit of it, eat a piece of bread,  mints ready, get dressed and I was out in 15 minutes feeling quizzy, weak and very angry at myself. By the time I sat down next to my Godmother I had swallowed like 10 mints and was pretty much full on sick. She was telling Sandra that I had been working real hard at the university and how tired I had been.

-Yeah, you look kind of pale.- said Sandra looking at me inquisitively. Damn, I thought to myself, hope I haven’t left any traces… Sometimes I get these tiny spots on my face and often my eyes are kind of red from the burst capillaries… shit… didn’t even check that. As if she were listening to my thoughts she turned to Nat: -her eyes seem … red, don’t they?

I reacted quickly.

– Yeah? They do feel strange. I’ll go check it out… – As I was trying to get up, Nat looked at me as if she were worried or suspecting something.

-Are you ok? –

-Yeah- I brushed it off with a smile. -I’ll just go wash my face. Get me a… Ceaser salad, k?- When I came back, everything ended with Nat’s:

-K?

-Yep- I smiled and hugged her. She patted me on the shoulder and they continued talking about work.

*****

When we came home she noticed that Love actually was on its 65thminute and commented that I had been enjoying my evening. I chose to mumble a “yes” and she chose not to say anything else although it was obvious that she was trying to control her temper. 

****

It was Tuesday. I knew I had to go to the practice, no excuses this time. Once there, I was in a bored mood. Slow to get ready, dragging my feet. I knew she hated it but I just couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to be there.

-You could try not to spread the negativity, you know? – She was already annoyed.

-I just don’t see the point in this

-You don’t see the point? – Shit, eyebrows were up and the stare telling more than I’d like to. I have to think of something.
-Well … I know you like it… and I know it’s good for me… but…um…um…- The coach saved me by putting the music on and the mental torture began. I kept saying to myself: “Come on. Just a little bit more. Aaa… it’s boring.. no, it’s useful… come on.. try at least. What if I form muscles over the fat and look even worse… Ah… No, I am burning fat… aaa…I can’t. I stopped to untie and tie the laces on my sneakers, to drink water,…

She half whispered: “Stop it!” and I, unintentionally !!!, rolled my eyes, …… big mistake! I saw the anger rising to a bursting point in a second. If we were alone I swear she would have slapped me.

-Do NOT.ROLL. your. eyes. at me! – I was already sorry but I also felt humiliated. I was there because of her, I thought to myself, and obviously “made a face”. She continued exercising and so did I. I decided I’d tell her that I’m quitting. We didn’t say a word to each other in the car. She pretended I didn’t exist, I pretended I didn’t exist….When we were both showered and she was heading for her bedroom I spoke.

-Nat, look. I am sorry for,… you know.. the practice.. for rolling my eyes… and…. it’s just .. for me it is stupid…( wooow should not have said that!)  I mean, I don’t mean….like that… it’s… I just feel tired and… I feel like eating even more when I practice… and it’s difficult… and I can’t wait for it to be over…

-Anna, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. You should have just said so.

-I know…but I was so happy when we started it together… and it was fun because we were together… and I loved sharing something with you, and spending time with you… I need that… but after a while the exercising…. it just became way too boring…and I couldn’t pretend anymore…

– It’s your choice. – She was cold and distant. I hated it. I felt like taking it all back. I felt like saying, “you’re right, I’ll go”. I would do anything at that moment to have her smile and hug me. And then it clicked in my head: wait a minute, she thinks you have to exercise to be healthy, how come she’s letting me go like that, doesn’t she care about me?! She was already at her bedroom door when I heard myself saying:

-Linda’s coming back from Switzerland tomorrow so I’ll go stay with her during the weekend to catch up. – The moment she turned around with a piercing look I knew I was doomed.

-And when did she go to Switzerland?- I hesitated. Should not have hesitated. My mind was racing. The fact that she’s coming back, doesn’t necessarily mean that she couldn’t have come back two weeks ago. The hesitation, the fear in my eyes gave me away. I looked down. Should not have looked down.

-You lied to me?- she was angry. I was sooo scared. Couple of months ago, I wouldn’t have been. Before that first spanking I would have tried to be cute and I would have tried to explain. But now it was different. It was as if some barrier broke back then and even though I felt we were closer and I felt her caring more deeply (or just showing it by making me do the things I should do but couldn’t push myself to do)… it was a scary place sometimes.

-I am sorry – I half whispered feeling like a 4 year old. The silence filled the room. I was too afraid to look up. She was approaching. I dreaded a slap on the face. I almost closed my eyes getting ready for it. She took my chin and made me look at her. I felt so helpless and so sad that I had made her angry. I bleated again: -I am sorry, Nat.

-The tutoring?- her voice was ice cold and my attempt to lower my head was prevented. The grip on my chin got tighter. – Last week’s studying? – a small voice inside my head told me to try and save at least that one… but I could barely breathe. – Get into your pajamas.

She turned away and hurried angrily towards her bedroom. I was sitting on my bed when she came in with a wooden cooking spoon. I gasped.

– Nat, please! I will exercise! I will never lie to you again! Please, please, there is no need – but she was arranging the pillows as if she were deaf. – Nat, pleeeeeeease! – the childish shrieking didn’t help.

-Stop it! Lie over the pillows.- I wanted to say that it was just way too humiliating and that I am not doing it. “I have my dignity. I will not do it. Not even for you. I love you but I will not be humiliated.” I stood up. I felt the courage building up inside me. I dared to look into her eyes and -booom! – the courage disappeared. I started backing towards the closet.

-Nat,.. come on.. I am … big…I am not a kid…

-If you were a kid you would be over my knees already. Lie over here, don’t waste my time. I have better things to do.- “Ok, now I was angry. She doesn’t get to be that cold and spank me! It’s either loving and caring or … or nothing.“”

-NO! – I crossed my arms and gave her the most defiant look I could muster.
What she pulled off after that was beyond me. She grabbed my ear and pulled me toward the bed. When the acceleration and the gravity started working her foot was on the bed and I was bent over her thigh, her arm around my waist keeping me still. Smack smack smack smack smack five or six smacks landed so rapidly on my bottom that I didn’t have the time to gasp after each of them but produced a strange sob like noise. It burnt even through the pajamas. I’d made her really angry. Smack smack smack smack… the right cheek was throbbing burning painful… she hit almost the same spot every time.

-Naa-aaat plea—a—a pleeeeaaaaaaaa- pleeese… dooo—aa- don’t! – smack smack smack..

-Lie where I told to- she released me.

-Please!!!!!!! I will do whatever you say! – I was holding my bottom and whining , but that did not produce the desired response. It seemed to irritate her even more.

– I said: lie over the pillows – I obeyed though I thought I would not be able to stand any more spanking…Smack smack smack And I thought those were hard! Smack smack

-PLeeee—se aaaaa.. it hurts oooowww… – … my bottom was on fire… I couldn’t stand it anymore…I tried sliding off the pillows and ended up on the floor by the bed kneeling, still half bent over the bed edge.

-Sit- she pointed to the bed. I sat slowly and still gasped out in pain. – Silence! – and with that she pushed my shoulder back down because I tried getting up.

-I am sorry. I will never lie to you again- I sniffled and sobbed…

– I hope so. – I thought I heard a bit of pity in her voice… I looked up but even through my tears I could hardly see anything gentle in her expression. Later I will find out that she was stopping herself from reaching out to hug me. – Now. You don’t have to go to aerobics if you don’t like it, but you will have to come up with some kind of exercise routine. The next time you lie to me, I will not be this lenient. (lenient!? She calls this lenient?! Is she out of her freaking mind? ) And, of course, you are grounded, so you can forget about going anywhere in the next 2 weeks. Understood?

-Yes…

Anna and Natalie 1 :The turning point

by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

It was half past eight. Everything was calming down in the cold night. I was sitting in front of the computer screen as usual, but instead of writing my paper I was watching the Kardashians. My brain was in that half dreamy state when you just can’t focus on anything. I did try to write, but without success, so I figured that relaxing a little bit is better than going to sleep. If I go to sleep I most certainly won’t advance on the paper and if I relax … well, maybe…I was careful not to play the show too loudly because my Godmother was watching television in the other room and we had already had soooo many talks on how I should “Just do it”. She couldn’t understand what a curse procrastination was, she couldn’t understand how I “just couldn’t”. So, I was hoping that she would believe that I was being a good student. It was my first year at college and it felt a little too much. Much more difficult than high school where I was a star-student.

As I was watching the people in the show eating, I felt like taking a snack and, being in the Kardashians’ all’s basically happy and relaxed mood, naively, I thought I could sneak over to the kitchen unnoticed. By the time I got back my Godmother was in my room, sitting at the desk. My heart skipped. The nerves almost made me chuckle. The stupid nervous laughter was stopped by her stare.

-I really don’t know what to do… how to get through to you…– she never yelled, but most of the time she held a kind of a distance that would make me think she didn’t really care, like… she would repeat the same stuff, as if she wasn’t truly thinking about what she was saying, but saying it by default. Also, it sounded to me like she thought it was her duty or something, not like she honestly cared. This time, she was calm, but she looked at me in a strange way, and I could feel how present she was at that moment, how she was up to something. I started with the usual excuses…

– I know, Nat… it’s just that… I couldn’t write… I was just reading… and I didn’t have any ideas… and I felt kind of frustrated so I figured, I’d relax, take a break… Look, I’ll do it .. you know I’ll do it as soon as the deadline approaches… it’s just….my stupid… brain… it doesn’t work until… the last moment…. – Usually she would interrupt me right away trying to convince me that I am not stupid, and that I have to try harder, that I could relax when I had finished it, that it was all easy for me…and so on, as if I didn’t know the theory… But that evening the silence was menacing… She was looking at me with a stern expression for at least 10 seconds. I wanted to interrupt the silence but the unease was overwhelming. Finally, she closed the player, opened a blank Word page and stood up.

-Anna, I want to see at least three pages by 11.

My stomach curled up in a ball, I felt an “or else” more frightening than if it had been pronounced. A tiny voice of cheeky reason whispered inside me: “You are an adult,… come on..” As she was passing in front of me I started:

-But, there is no way I could write that.. I still haven’t read everything and…- and the door closed behind her. I stood there, chocolate chip cookies in my hand, and a very strange feeling in my stomach…Well, I thought to myself,.. I could try and write it… Brain fog gone, I sat at the desk and started thinking about the influence of capitalism on ecology…Everything seemed obvious. It felt like the last moment surge of energy. I started typing, just putting my ideas on the paper, but suddenly, I desired desperately to impress her, because, suddenly, I felt visible. Just like when I was a kid and she would come to visit us. She would talk to me, and I would philosophize and argue my points, and later when I was pretending that I wasn’t listening I could hear her tell my Mom that I was a genius and how much she loved me, and that she would have a kid if someone could guarantee that she would give birth to a kid like me. And I wished there was a way that she could adopt me, while I keep my Mom as Mom at the same time.

She has always been a goddess to me… I lived for her praise and loving words or a look. When she moved away I was 8 and I almost had a nervous breakdown. My Mom says I cried for days and I went on a hunger strike. And all that time, I wouldn’t speak to Nat on the phone because I was angry at her and I kept telling my Mom how much I love Nat and that I wanted us to move where Nat was. When my Mom realized that I could actually get sick she promised that we would move near Nat next year and that we would go visit her during the summer, so I calmed down a little bit. Time healed the wounds and my Mom kept postponing the imaginary move until I found another female authority figure to love – my teacher, and then I wanted to stay at the same school. But the essence of my emotions for my Godmother hadn’t truly changed, and after all these years I still wanted her approval and love just as badly as when I was a kid.

I heard Nat’s phone ringing and it brought me back to reality. “She will read what I write! SHE will read it! I have to make it brilliant and these ideas are just too obvious.” A rapid search for papers online began… I started reading but I couldn’t start writing… summarizing had always been so difficult for me… I felt so stupid.. and the “or else” was filling up my head.

What could she do? Not speak to me?? She wouldn’t kick me out of the house…right?… ground me…maybe? I don’t go anywhere anyhow… and… I mean she can’t take the computer away, I need it for the studies, and I bought it myself… A story came creeping into my mind… My Mom told me how she once witnessed Nat getting spanked by her mother…

Mom and Nat were about to leave the house, dressed for a party, when Aunt Felicia (who’s not my Mother’s aunt, but Nat and my Mom were so close that they kind of adopted each other as sisters) returned from the neighbors’ earlier than the two 19 year old girls expected. Aunt Felicia was very patriarchal and she wouldn’t have approved of many things Mom and Nat did. Seeing her daughter “dressed like a hooker” (quoting her) made her go ballistic in a second. “I had no idea what was happening”, my Mom told me. “I looked at Nat pale and scared, literally not moving as if frozen. Felicia went into her own room and the next thing I saw was Nat falling on the bed and belt flying through the air. Nat was sobbing in seconds and her thighs already had a few pink straps, the short skirt up on her lower back. I felt scared and helpless and… embarrassed… can’t imagine how she must have felt…” The belt was coming down on her mercilessly and she was crying out “Mo-oom… Mom… ple—ase”. Felicia didn’t say a word. When she was done I was crying as well, you know how Granny never even considered that kind of thing…I wanted to go and hug Nat,  but one look from Felicia and I was out the door, Nat kneeling beside the bed crying like a little child… As she opened the door for me, Felicia mumbled… “If I were your mother…”  I thanked God she wasn’t.

Nat told her the following week, ( she was, of course, grounded), that she couldn’t believe it either. The last one was when she was 17 and caught smoking… but it felt different, being still in high school…and this…”, she said…”‘ it was so humiliating … and at the same time like… I wasn’t… 15 or 10… it felt like I was 5….especially in the end. And when I went to straighten up in the bathroom and looked at myself with the makeup in black streaks on my cheeks …. I felt so ridiculous.”… that’s when my Mom, who’s never had any authority over me what-so-ever, tried to sound all serious and authoritative which looked ridiculous on her.

“Anna, I know how you adore Nat, she’s like the only aunt and godmother you’ve ever known and … I know you admire her… that’s why I consider it brilliant that you’ll be living with her, but be careful, hun… Nat is strict, you may not have seen that side of her, but trust me… I’ve seen it with her sister’s children…She is Felicia’s daughter… ”

My eyes slid to the bottom corner of the screen. Shit! It was 10:07! There’s noooo way I can make it!! Shit! Shitshitshitshit! Aaaaaaaaaa…Ok, I’ll focus and I’ll write something… anything… she will probably have forgotten that she’d told me it was by 11… I mean Nat is  forgetful…well about the things she promises to me… always hundred things being planned… Ok… but I’ll do it.. like… for myself.. it’s not like I am scared… or something…Ok, so… Capitalism produced overproduction…  no that’s a stupid sentence… the products are not there to satisfy needs but tastes… ah… everybody knows that… oh.. I have to write something good… something about planned obsolescence … and how it’s hidden in plain sight! 10:15…Advertising … advertising… oaah… I am so stupid! Why can’t I write…? I need references.. Ok, I’ll read and then I’ll just write when I have a clear idea.

10:48…. I had written one lousy page… OK, I give up… I’ll just go back to the Kardashians… she’s probably forgotten all about it, and tomorrow morning I’ll probably have some good ideas… Yeah… I should maybe write about how much an average episode of Kardashians affects the ecology… the jets, the cars, the luxury goods, the parties…

11:00 Nat entered the room with disappointment on her face and a belt in her hand. It was as if somebody yanked my guts, I felt I would pee right there… My lips started curling on the ends without my will…

-Nat… I tried…- I gasped for air… my voice went up, a shrieking pathetic childish…

-Yes, I could hear you trying though the door. – I closed the laptop almost without realizing, while looking at her the whole time. As if hypnotized. She continued:

– Obviously,… I have to do it… to wake you up before it’s too late… and I hate it…Come. (What does she mean??? What does she have to do!!??? I’ll pee, I’ll start crying.. I can’t move… I can’t even feel my legs… I am an adult I … am … an adult…. Say it… ) Anna, COME.

-I …am….I am no… Y-y -ou can’t… – She sighed… and walked over to me as if she had flown. She grabbed my upper arm and pulled me up like I had no will or strength. The belt burnt through my pajamas, once, twice. I yelped… it hurt! It went on… Sucking in air every time.  I was surprised… I thought it would hurt only after a while but she was strong and obviously skilled. – Nat… please…- I felt idiotic for begging…  I tried to release my arm, go couple of steps back to get to the wall when the she started to speed it up. I was over the table. It was so loud! And it started to really hurt! – Stop… pleeeeeasee…. I’ll.. wri….te …(she went on without a word or slowing down… That’s not how I imagined spankings… I had thought when you said you were sorry or promised… it would be over) I proooo … aaaaaaaaa…. I prooo … mise you… Nat .. pleeee…se pleeaaaaaaa.. aaaaoo….it huu-aaa–uurts pleeese-  After a couple of swats more she pronounced sternly and angrily: 

-It is supposed to hurt- and with this she pulled me up, tears streaming down my face. When I looked at her … so cold and angry and distant… the tears started flowing even faster … I wanted her to hug me and tell me that she still loved me… I wanted it more than anything… My own sobs and pleading echoing in my head. I felt as if I were 5. So scared, and small and in need of love and protection…

– Now go to bed. Tomorrow when you come back you will be writing in the living room. You will finish that paper by the evening.

I went for a hug. She stretched out a hand:

-No, you haven’t deserved it, Anna.- That hurt so much more than the spanking. She didn’t even look at me when she left. I was confused and desperate… Her words were on a loop in my head. “you haven’t deserved it, Anna”. I wished I could disappear. She was right, but… I felt so vulnerable after the spanking. Nothing even remotely similar had ever happened to me… If I had went for a hug under normal circumstances, ok, but after that….? She must hate me… I cried myself to sleep…

In the morning, I was having breakfast when she was leaving for work, and as she was passing by my chair she kind of touched my hair. I think she had wanted to stroke my hair and kiss me as she sometimes did before leaving, but she must have changed her mind. My heart skipped, when I felt it her hand on my head but then she continued walking and I got so overwhelmed with emotions that my eyes were full of tears within a second. I looked at her and she glanced at me when she was at the door. There was a slight twitch as if she wanted to move, but stopped herself. It happened so fast that I can’t be sure what it was but I think she saw me. Actually saw me. I think that there was an internal battle within her and I think the pride won. Still, she said gently and meaningfully.

– I’ll see you later, kiddo….

A rush of love and relief overcame me. I beamed a smile at her and I wanted to run and hug her but I stopped myself. She went out and closed the door. Her voice from last night started the loop again, but it didn’t have the same effect. I saw my behavior over the past weeks and I realized she was right – I hadn’t deserved the hug. However, I felt that I could deserve it that day. I went to the first class but I couldn’t focus. I wanted to write the paper. It felt like I wouldn’t have enough time so I skipped the rest of the classes and went to the library and started writing.

It was difficult to sit. Couldn’t quite say if it was itchy, or burning or painful or all of the above, but all of it reminded me so well of my goal. When I came home, there was no smile to greet me. She was distant the whole evening but I knew what I was doing. By 7 pm I was almost finished, the whole 15 pages. She was preparing dinner. It reeked of cauliflower. I hated it so much I felt sick, but I thought she would not make me eat it when she saw I’d finished the paper.

-Nat, I did it! I wrote it…- I said with a proud smile on my face while the printer was doing its job. I handed it to her. She went through it fast. I knew her powers and I knew she wasn’t missing anything.

– It’s very good. – she put it on the table and looked at me. – … did we have to go through that…?-

I felt guilty, my head hanging…  I whispered “I am sorry” and I really was… I looked up, hoping for a smile. I almost caught a strange expression, half smile half wondering… and love? was it love ?… but it vanished quickly. She sighed and got up:

– OK, the dinner is ready.

I felt what it meant. I knew there was no escape from it…. And… I felt it was going to be like that from now on… She will become the authority I had never had in my life, and… I knew I was supposed to be happy, because I she loved me enough to become that… and I knew she was capable of seeing further than Mom … and I knew that it was going to be good for me … someday… but I really hated cauliflower… So, I started pouring the food going around the hideous pieces although I couldn’t avoid the stench. She took the ladle from me and there it was, in my plate.

-But, Nat.. you know how much I hate it..

-I hated spanking you as well-… and then she added … – but if it could help you eat what’s healthy ,…- I was on the verge of tears. I looked up and there was the “no negotiations” face.
In three weeks my test scores went back up, almost all A’s and the situation was almost back to normal, except that I obeyed her far quicker than before and hugged her more than before… and she hugged me back! I felt as if she had truly adopted me, as if she cared more profoundly than before… and it was the love that gave me wings …well for a short time before I started going back to my old habits…