annaffd

Anna and Natalie 13

May 16, 2026 by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

Folks, I am on this story now, and although I feel it deviating from DD and spanking content I will keep publishing… It kind of has a life of its own now and I am not sure you’ll like it but… I’ll go back to other stories once I wrap this one up.

When my alarm went off the next morning I was way too sleepy to get up or to want to go and do a regular day of work and school. I decided I would just continue sleeping and process everything until Mom came, and I turned off the alarm and drifted back to sleep.

About half an hour later a smack on the bottom woke me up. I turned on my back (as to protect my behind) but I wasn’t eager to actually get up.

-Anna, we are late. Get up and get ready. – with that she left to get ready herself. I was more awake, but the bed was cozy and all the things I had learned the previous night were buzzing through my head. The way I was conceived was making me feel horrible, like I didn’t really want to be in my body, and as if I wanted to just take off my own skin suit. But then I would remember the picture, my Mom’s dream and everything would go to a totally different dimension. With a bit of denial, my mind would tell me that there was a “meant to happen” somewhere in there. I was meant to be born to my Mom…. … and I don’t really have a father.

However, I wanted to keep Nat as my auntie and that’s what I focused on. I had a fleeting thought about having another aunt, Julia, but she was irrelevant in my world.

-You are still in bed!

-Nat, I really don’t feel ready to go anywhere…and..

-No! – she cut me off. – If I need to come here again I am coming with a belt.

-But…

– You are coming with me, end of discussion.

I started giggling and I don’t even know why. It’s like the giggles came from within me and I thought it would actually be kind of fun to mess with her for a bit throughout the day. Moreover, lying in bed made me go back to the parts of this discovery that I couldn’t really deal with.

I quickly got dressed and grabbed a bag of chocolate croissant which I was meant to eat as desert, one at a time. Which, was really ridiculous. They were tiny…

Nat glanced at the bag, opened her mouth to say something but, I guess, decided to pick her battles.

In the car she actually took one. At first, I thought that maybe there is a side to her that I hadn’t yet seen, but then I thought that she must be so stressed with everything happening and a wave of compassion washed over me.

-Nat, how are you doing? – she glanced at me but then kept her eyes on the road.

– I am ok, why?

-“why!?” Oh, sorry, last night was just a dream, right.

– Don’t get snarky! – the tone was clear. I was on thin ice. So I stuffed my mouth with a croissant so I wouldn’t get into a discussion. And she is so not ok. I mean, she may be relieved that she doesn’t have to hide it any more. She may be sad because the memories came back. She may be happy that she’ll see my Mom… but “OK”… come on. I will definitely mess with her today. Oh, shit wait… I can’t push it because she mustn’t spank me in front of Mom, I couldn’t allow that. I would have to fight back.

As I was eating my fourth croissant and grabbing a fifth one because she was already parking the car, she said:

-Bobby, loved pastry … – I shoved the fifth one back into the bag and the bag into the glove compartment which I knew would make her mad because she will have to vacuum it when we get home. I was angry that she mentioned him in the context of our resemblance, again.

We didn’t say anything until we were in the elevator. I was about to leave when she reminded me to ask for a personal day tomorrow and I thought to myself that I should have called in sick that day as well and stayed in bed.

I did work on autopilot and I was considering skipping classes, but I figured I could be ruminating in class as well as out of it. I was mostly stuck on two subjects: what my Mom went through and the fact that Nat is my aunt, my family, someone bound to love me whatever I do (yes, I know that is not actually right, but that’s how it felt for me).

Seeing Mom was incredibly emotional. For once in my life, although Nat was present, I didn’t care, I was totally focused on Mom. We hugged and cuddled the whole time. I felt how much she loved me. I think I felt it more than ever. And, I think for the first time I felt she was actually strong.
I realized how strong she must have been to stay that loving and open, and even to keep it all a secret to protect me. And all those times that she seemingly deferred to Nat she wasn’t just doing it because she adored Nat or thought Nat was all knowing, it was because Nat knew my … her brothers behavior and psychology… she was kind of an authority on messed up part of me. And, she was my aunt.

Although the cause of Mom’s arrival wasn’t really a nice one, I think both of us enjoyed being together tremendously, and apart from Nat and Mom mentioning him, trying to make him sound good to me, everything else was fun and relaxed.

I spent a lot of time with Mom over the next two days, and Nat even slept at Matthew’s one night so we were alone.
My Mom was always there for me and we talked about everything, I mean I talked about everything (obviously) but this time we talked about spirituality and woo woo stuff more than ever, and somehow it made me feel … calmer, less anxious…. I guess.

I reconnected to Mom on a different level, so I was very sad when she left. I missed her and called her a lot in the following days.

Meanwhile Nat was mostly acting like nothing has changed. The day Mom left she told me:
– I am quizzing you this evening, so you’d better catch up.

Hearing her tone of voice, made my stomach churn. And I just nodded and went to the desk, but then I turned around and looked at her. She was putting the groceries in the fridge and she seemed… just normal. She didn’t seem scary. I stood there watching her trying to make space in the fridge and she didn’t seem perfect.

And I wasn’t really scared of what will happen when she quizzes me. I knew there was no chance I could catch up with the studying of the past 3 days in 3 hours, especially because I wasn’t really attentive in class.

She must have felt I was looking at her because when she is done with the fridge she looks at me standing by the desk.

– Anna, you haven’t started? – she says and starts walking toward me.
This startles me a little but something feels different. I feel more relaxed than I usually would be in a similar situation. Normally, I would scramble to sit and open a book or the laptop, but I just keep standing there and smile.
She is, however, not smiling, which is starting to make me nervous.
As she is approaching, the nervousness wins and I move the chair to sit.
And that almost gets a smile out of her. She stands next to me and puts her hand on my shoulder.
-So, what are you going to study? – she acts like nothing happened which makes her seem powerful, again. And I look up at her to tell her but I feel loved and she feels so powerful that it makes me feel safe, like inside my chest and belly… my whole body just safe and instead of telling her what I am planning to study I ask:
-Nat, do I look like you at all? – because at that moment I think how amazing it would be to be like her.

Nat is surprised by the question and kind of freezes for a second. She looks like she is thinking whether to answer or not, or maybe she doesn’t know the answer. Maybe she’s always looked at me as her brother’s daughter and not her niece, too.
She seems to be thinking.
-Well, Bobby and I had many things in common… but I think… – she stops herself. I am sure she was going to say something vulnerable and then she continues – I think you have my persistence.
-You weren’t going to say that… – I tell her and turn toward the desk.
She takes a breath as if she is about to argue, but then just says:
-You’d better cover 30 pages at least, because today’s quiz will be with a belt by my side.
My head snaps back to looking at her:
-You can’t do that! I have legitimate reasons for not having studied.
She just raises an eyebrow.
-And now you have ideal environment to learn 30 pages in almost full 3 hours. That is plenty of time and there is no reason for you to fear the punishment if you focus.

I cross my arms in protest, but I know she is right. I could totally do that. ..

I try to study and at one point I get confident and I feel like I can easily do it, maybe even learn 40 pages. So I try to do that. And at one moment as I am writing down notes and connecting things, I feel so empowered and I feel the position of my spine is familiar and I get the feeling that at that moment I am like Nat. The thought makes me happy and I feel into it, but then another part of me comes up. If I am self-sufficient, empowered, … I wouldn’t need her to take care of me… I wouldn’t be the kid anymore… And that thought acts like a short circuit.

I try to convince myself that I could still be ‘the kid’ although I am not a kid, I am an adult. But we could still maintain the relationship, she would just be proud of me and she’d probably push me harder towards greater accomplishments, but I would be able to feel good about myself.
I try to go back to focusing on the textbook, but it’s just not as compelling as my thoughts. I tell myself I can decide on that later, when I am in bed, and that now I could focus but I waste a loooot of time going back to whether or not I want to be an empowered woman.

In the end, I run out of time before I can revise all of my notes and it makes me feel like I haven’t learned anything. I watch Nat sit on the couch putting the belt next to her and holding the folder with my school stuff in her lap.
– Show me what you learned – she says as she is waiting for me to give her the textbook.

I get up reluctantly and show her the 30 pages, and I also give her my colorful notes.
I go to sit next to her, but she just motions for me to stand in front of her.
-We are not chatting, I am quizzing you.
I squirm in place and mumble to myself:

-We never chat…..

Her eyebrows shoot up:
-What’s that?

Her tone a clear warning, so I swallow hard and shift weight from one foot to another.

-Nothing…

She just looks at me for another beat and then looks at the syllabus and finds a core concept. She asks and I fumble with the answer. I feel like I am forgetting an indicator or two, but I am blanking out. That’s why revision is crucial… I would have realized I don’t have it… I am so angry at myself for thinking about being empowered and thinking I could learn so much when clearly I wasn’t able to learn even the measly 30 pages.

Nat is naturally, not satisfied. She looks at the syllabus again and I do a little better on the next question but very far from excellent.. The third questions goes about the same way the second one did… ok, but not thorough enough.

Nat seems disappointed. She closes the book and puts her hands in her lap as if she is thinking what to do with me.

I can’t exactly share which thoughts prevented me from focusing so I just look at her my heart pounding. The belt really scares me… but I am so angry at myself that I don’t care that much.
She observes me and for a beat there is just silence.
Finally, she speaks:
– Are you testing me again?

-No, Nat, I swear I am not!! – I start blurting out the whole thing, well, not the whole thing, but I am telling the truth. – I thought I was doing so well, and I even thought I’d learn 40 pages, and then… I just got distracted by my thoughts and lost focus and I was going back over the same stuff again and again… and in the end I didn’t have time to revise… and if you could only give me 20 more minutes to revise, I promise it will be so much better,… please….?

She looks at me again, taking such a long time, and finally her hand goes for the textbook and I think she’ll give me 20 minutes when she seemingly remembers something:
– What were you thinking about?

I swallow hard. I think usually I would have no problem telling her a half-truth, but this evening she seems too observant, to present and for some reason the fact that she is my aunt makes me feel like she will for sure see through me if I lie. But I can’t tell the truth. I open my mouth to say that I was thinking about the whole thing: my Mom, her brother.. her being my aunt… but I can’t bring myself to say it.
And I feel a part of me ready fess up, and I just keep telling myself not to tell her the whole truth. Not only is it embarrassing but it might change our relationship forever.

-I…. I was… I… – I am trying to think of a way to tell part of the truth so she doesn’t catch me lying but … I can’t think of a way to say it.

-Anna, if you lie to me, the belt won’t be over you pants. – she says in an eerily calm way, with such conviction that I gasp and my face scrunches up as I am about to start crying.

I just bow my head. I feel I am at an impasse. I can’t lie and I can’t tell the truth.
-I can’t tell you… I can’t…. – I whisper

Nat stays quiet and I don’t dare look up. I am trying to figure out what she’ll do. I am trying to figure out if maybe I can still say something… Why didn’t I just say I was thinking if I am at all like you? That would have been part of the truth, but saying it now doesn’t make sense, because, it’s innocuous enough, there would have been no need to hide it.

-Alright, you have the right to keep your thoughts private. Thank you for not lying. You have another 20 minutes, but that is the last chance. – She says as she gets up, giving me the textbook and the notebook.

I look up at her not believing my luck. And as I look into her eyes I feel like she is looking at me differently. I am still so shaken by the prospect of the belt that I can’t think clearly, but I know it’s different.
I take the books and quickly sit down and start revising. Looking at core concepts in the syllabus knowing she will likely go there. It takes me a couple of minutes to calm down and focus but I get there and I go through everything and I feel much more confident.

When she comes back she sighs before taking my books. I immediately go stand where she previously told me. And I do great for the first two questions, but on the third one, I don’t do great. And then I get scared and the next 2 I do even worse. I can’t believe what is happening. it’s like someone is actively wiping my memory…

Nat lets out a long, heavy breath through her nose. The silence in the living room feels suffocating. She slowly closes the textbook, the cover making a dull thud against her knees. She just looks incredibly tired as she picks up the folded leather belt from the cushion beside her.

I know I have disappointed her. I don’t even try to argue or plead. I am on the verge of crying and I just say:
-I am sorry….

She sighs and takes a long look at me and then almost as if against her will, she says:
– Over the couch.

My legs feel heavy but the hatred for myself is hot. I bend over the back of the couch. I hate this position, I hate the belt, I hate the coldness of the situation, but … I know I deserve it for being stupid.

Whack!

The belt explodes across the center of my bottom with a sharp snap. I gasp loudly, it hurts so much worse than the hairbrush. The fire spreads instantly, biting deep into my skin.
By the third strike I have no other thoughts than what is happening right now…By the fifth one I cry out loud.

Whack!
-Aaaaaa! Naaaat…. – I plead – It huuuuurts… Pleaaase….

She doesn’t say anything just lifts the belt. Whack!
My legs lift.
– Anna! – She says warning me while putting her hand on my lower back. But I can’t help it, the next time belt blisters the bottom of my cheeks I jerk my hips and kick my leg.
– Hold still, Anna. Don’t make me add extra for squirming.

The tears completely blur my vision, soaking into the fabric of the couch. It’s chaotic, it’s messy, and it hurts so much I breathe weirdly from sobbing.
Although she peppers the sit spots with another 5 strikes and turns me into a blubbering mess, she does strike with less intensity.

When she is done, she rubs my back for a second and then lets me get up. I just turn around and burry my red, sniffling, blubbering face into her shirt.
-I am sooo-ooory .. I will do beeeeeeee-eetter nee-ext time….
I blubber and she just strokes my back.
– I know you will, sweetie. – she says after a long sigh.

Anna and Natalie 12 – the revelation

May 14, 2026 by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

Anna and Natalie was the first story I wrote. It happened before I truly realized that my desire for being taken care of in a structured way with discipline was part of my sexuality. I still consider myself to be on the spectrum of asexuality. It’s actually very confusing for me and I try not to think to much about it, but write what comes up.

Although this relationship was maybe problematic to some of my readers because Natalie was my Godmother, maybe it was still in a grey zone… but with this chapter things will change further in the direction that was problematic for some of you. I was feeling this story and this plot just felt truthful, right. This is Anna’s story and it is fiction… So, if Anna who is a spanko being disciplined by her Godmother was problematic although being fictional, maybe stop reading here and just move to other stories …

I couldn’t fall asleep because I had completely messed up my sleep with the staying up late over the weekend. I was sleepy at 7 pm before Nat came home, but then at 10 I was wide awake.

I went to the bathroom and heard Nat talking to someone in her room. My heart jumped thinking Matthew was there but then I heard my Mom’s voice.

So that’s when they talk!! Of course I stood rooted to the spot and listened.

My Mom: I don’t want to hurt her. She doesn’t need to know.

Nat: I didn’t mean everything. She doesn’t need to know how, but…

My Mom: No, I can’t.

Nat (seemed to have accepted Mom’s No): OK…. She looks so much like him, you know…Today she was joyful like he was before … the drugs… She has the same expression …. when she is happy and expecting me to praise her. You remember when he won the first place at that science fair at school..- Nat chuckled and I had to crouch next to the door, my body was getting very tingly, weird, like a little bit numb and my brain was exploding with the information…

My Mom: I know… she looks like him a lot. And it scares me…

Nat: Some time ago she gave me the attitude… just like him. She even said “chill” like Bobby used to do all the time when he started hanging with those … ugh…. She also said something about wanting my attention… I wonder if he wanted our attention even when he was pretending not to… When he was just beginning with it all..

My Mom: Nat, we were still kids basically. You were not his parent.

Nat: But I knew more than them… I knew what he was doing, he was my baby brother… I should have tried harder… I should have known him better… Even that day… You said you didn’t want to be left with him alone…

My Mom: Forget about…

Nat: No, I can’t … I was so self centered… I had to go be with Alex. Uh…

My Mom: Honey, you can’t blame yourself for that. But we can’t tell her. She already feels so much negativity about men… Have you ever heard any of her rants against men…?

– No, but there were very sharp, surprising comments….

– Sometimes I think that’s why she is a lesbian because… she senses something….

I was so engrossed in what they were saying that I was getting closer and closer to the door and when my Mom said I was a lesbian I hit my head on the doorknob. I was in pain and dizzy when I heard Nat yell:

-Anna? – she was dashing towards the door and I straightened up and just stayed kneeling there.

She opened the door with a very angry look but I wanted answers. I got up and just walked in her room ignoring her question : “Were you eavesdropping?” I took the computer and without a “hi” I asked my Mom:

-What is it you don’t want me to know?!

Mom started crying without saying anything. Nat approached me:

-Anna, go to your room. I’ll be over in a bit.

-I am not going anywhere without answers! -I was kind of yelling at her. The emotions just took over me. The look she gave me made me falter a bit, but not enough to make me go.

– Look, I am sorry I was listening. I heard Mom’s voice and I don’t know…. and then I realized you were talking about … about your … about … Your baby brother was my father? – there was silence, my Mom stopped sniffling.

-Kim…. do you want to take this or should I?

***TRIGGER WARNING! You can just stop reading here … I don’t know how to write the trigger warning without mentioning the triggering word itself so let’s say… violent content … The important thing for the following chapters is that Nat is my aunt and the rest of this chapter is just an explanation that you don’t need to read.

My Mom gathered herself and asked Nat to give us a minute. She said that they hadn’t told me because his life was so tragic. He was a drug addict who eventually overdosed and they didn’t want Nat’s parents to know I was his child. But the explanation seemed like a total BS and unfortunately I pushed for answers. How come my Mom slept with him? She said that she was vulnerable and drunk and he was kind and he had had a crush on her since he was 12 and she was 4 years older. And that when they slept together he had started college so the age difference didn’t seem like that big a deal…, but I know when she is lying. I could always tell.

Something chilling was making my lungs feel weird, a part of me wanted to stop, but I didn’t. I called out her lies and BS and I pushed and she cracked…. He had given her the rape drug, she was actually unconscious when he did it. (I hated him with everything in me. I was glad he was dead.) Nat caught him sitting naked on the couch next to Mom who was “sleeping”. He was about to snort something. There was a scene between them, eventually he got angry and pushed Nat against a wall where she hit her head. She was unconscious when he left. Eventually it turned out Nat had a concussion and an edema. They were even thinking of operating but thankfully didn’t have to.

That was the last they saw of him. Nat’s older sister looked for him day and night only to get a call 3 weeks later that the police had found him dead.

When Mom realized she was pregnant, Nat had completely recovered, but for once in her life, Mom didn’t ask Nat for opinion… She had a decision to make and it would have to be her own. She was never religious so she wasn’t opposed to abortion. She was seriously considering it when she had a dream. She dreamt of me… I was a toddler and I was crying and I supposedly walked towards her and hugged her and she picked me up and knew that she couldn’t get rid of me. She actually painted me when she woke up and that was the painting that was hanging in her room. I had always thought that she painted it when I was 2 years old because I have a photo of me looking eerily similar to me in that painting.

She was sure that Nat, being a rational one would tell her to end the pregnancy so she didn’t even tell her until it was too late. But Nat was grieving a baby brother and having a part of him (me) there, comforted her. So, she became very much involved. They agreed, however, that her parents should never know.

Nat’s Mom got lung cancer and died soon after. And her Dad’s alcoholism got worse and worse. He became even more violent and kept blaming Nat for everything. Nat got offered a position on the East Coast and she decided to take it and start fresh.

When Mom stopped talking I just sat there. There was so much information … but I was looking at Mom and just wanted to hug my Mommy…. I felt split between not feeling anything, being numb, and feeling pressure as if there was a sound that I could feel but not hear and it was yelling in my head, and also me who was looking at my Mom and feeling sadness that she went through that.

-I need to be with you now. I am coming home.

-No! No, sweetheart. I’ll come there. I’ll come tomorrow if I get a ticket. OK?

-Yes… I miss you Mommy… so much…. – we were both sobbing when Nat came in. She looked different to me… All of a sudden she seemed more real, more human… much less perfect… and for some reason I was angry at her… but there was so much going on in me that the anger was coming and going.

-Nat – Mom spoke- I was thinking about coming? Is that ok with you? …

I gave Nat the lap top and stood up. I was facing a wall full of photos. Those weren’t there the year before. There were her nieces and nephews, there was one of her siblings when they were kids. Next to it, one of Nat and me… I did look like him… How did that sweet, cuddly boy get so messed up…

I was crying again, out of anger and hatred but also pity.. … Nat was standing next to me. She put her hand on my shoulder and looked at photos, probably the same photo…

-How did he become a monster? –

-He wasn’t…. – she started but I faced her with all the hatred and anger inside me and she stopped. She took the photo of them when they were kids.

-He always wanted to play with us… and we were always pushing him away, but like a puppy, he kept coming back… When he was scared at night… My Dad… was… not a very nice person… Bobby would come to our room and sneak into my bed. Julia was older so she pushed him around more… He’d cuddle up next to me and I’d tell him I’d keep him safe, he has nothing to be scared of … Julia would sometimes sing quietly…. He’d fall asleep… and then again during the day we’d avoid him and not let him go anywhere with us… It feels like it was overnight. I saw him with a bunch of thugs behind a liquor store. He was 14 … When he came home I threatened to tell Mom, although I was afraid of what my Dad would do to him, so I wasn’t really going to tell anyone. He said he wouldn’t go again… wouldn’t hang out with them again… I went to college… When I came back for the break he was already smoking weed and sometimes getting drunk…. I was in college… and so many people around me were getting high… it didn’t seem that horrible.. He was hiding it well at home,.. he had bad grades, but…. he was charming, he always got away with anything with my Mom and the teachers… And I think my parents were oblivious… Julia and I talked to him but it made no difference. He was telling us how it’s not a big deal… everybody does it…

-I worked the next summer so two years later when I got home he wasn’t sweet little Bobby anymore…. He was always irritable… angry, snapping… and then he’d seem normal, we’d talk, he sounded grown up , but then he wouldn’t come home for two days… Mom kept hiding it from Dad… I felt like it was too late to do anything… – she sighed.. tears were flowing down her face but she was trying to keep her voice steady. My anger dissipated slowly…

-Julia already had a baby so her plate was full… I tried talking some sense into him but we’d always end up fighting… And when Kim and I rented the apartment after university he started coming over… He lied that he was getting clean and I wanted to believe him…I even gave him money… for books… ha… Kim kept telling me he was lying… – She sighed, kissed my head

– Well, I think that’s enough for tonight. – she continued in a gentle tone as if she wasn’t threatening me -It is way past your bedtime and if you are not in bed in 5 minutes, I will be getting the hairbrush.

– You really think I can sleep after this? – she paused, either to let me hear the way I spoke, or to gather herself.

-We have to get up in 5 hours. You are going to bed now, Anna.

-But… – she gave me the look and I felt that I would be just fine in my bedroom by myself. There was so much to think about. No need to test her… at least not right away. I kissed her, she hugged me and as I was turning to leave she just sat on her bed, as if she couldn’t stand anymore.

Among all other feelings and thoughts, I had one that put a mischievous smile on my face. Now I know she will love me whatever I do. I am her niece, and she will be my aunt whatever I do. When I was already in the hallway I turned around:

– Good night, auntie! – I don’t know if she knew what I meant, what I was thinking but her face was the one of insight, realization.

Naturally I didn’t fall asleep until the early morning, probably less than an hour before the alarm went off.

Anna and Natalie 11

November 22, 2025May 14, 2026 by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

(there won’t be any spanking in this chapter)

The next day I was so embarrassed that I let her know that I wanted OTK spanking and so conflicted in my emotions… that I was sobered by it.

When I got up, she had already made breakfast: eggs, bacon, tomatoes and my plate was waiting for me. I looked at her apprehensively, but she seemed cheerful.

– Hi… – I said filled with embarrassment and probably blushing. I sat down and had a bit of a start when my butt touched the wooden chair, but it really wasn’t too bad. However, she caught it and chuckled.

– Sleep well? Like a baby? – she was teasing me with a smile.

-Well… I… slept… – I answered with a smile and started eating so I wouldn’t have to talk.

-Good. So, I’ve been thinking. I want the outline and at least 3 papers or books cited by 11 tonight. Close your mouth. – I realized I had opened my mouth in surprise when she said it. – It doesn’t need to be perfect, I just need to know that you have started working on it. OK?

I swallowed, while my brain was screaming: there is no way we can do it by tonight!!! I’ve got no idea what my topic is, let alone which papers….

-Anna?! – her smile was gone and she went into impatient and strict mode.

-Sorry… ok… I’ll send it… – I wasn’t exactly exuding confidence. She walked around the table, and stood next to me. I turned around to face her, but I was looking at her shoes. She moved my chin up and met my eyes with a piercing look.

-You are further behind than you admitted, aren’t you?

-No… – I said in a weird deep voice. – I’ll send it. For real.

-You’d better. – she patted my cheek lightly and went back to sit at her chair and finish her coffee. As she was getting to her chair, for some reason I added:

– I will, but isn’t Matthew going to be angry if you read my outline instead of having … a romantic time with him.

-You don’t need to worry about that. – she said in a “end of discussion” manner.

***

At work I frantically tried to squeeze in some research between the tasks and at lunch. I read on the bus to the university and back. By the time I got home it was already 8 o’clock but I had some ideas about the topic and the outline.

By 10 I had finished the outline and even started expanding on some of the bullet points.

As I was preparing the document to send it to Nat, for a second I debated with myself if I should let it be 10:59 when I send it, but I felt oddly adult and efficient and I sent it immediately.

The fact that I had accomplished so much made me want to work further. By 5 am I already had a first draft and I wished I wasn’t sleepy, but even the 4 shots of espresso couldn’t keep me focused enough for my writing to make sense. Unfortunately, I also wasn’t thinking things through… so I sent Nat the first draft at 5:05 (at the time finding it especially funny that it was 5:05 exactly). I was so proud and felt like she’d be happy for me and relieved. I felt so productive, like I can accomplish anything that I put in a short comment that I am grateful that she pushed me and that now I can see how much I can do.

In the morning, well.. it was like in the afternoon, at about 2 pm, I woke up and checked my email.

“When you have rested check your grammar and spelling. Otherwise, good first draft.

We will discuss your bedtime when I get home.

I expect the final paper to wait for me when I get home and I hope not to find any grammar and spelling mistakes. “

Ooops… the bedtime… I’ll just tell her I couldn’t fall asleep so I got up in the middle of the night… We never discussed that option. It would be logical that I am allowed to do that.

Nevertheless, my mood was great. I finished the paper and started studying for the test before she came home.

I must have been beaming with joy when she came home. As I was taking her suitcase from her which she let go all confused I chattered away.

-I wrote it Nat! I didn’t believe I’d be able to, but I did! And I triple checked for mistakes – I said turning around as we were going to the laundry room. – I even studied for the test. I think I’ll be able to do it! You were right!

-Of course, I was. So you should listen to me the next time.

-I know. – I stopped to turn around and hug her.

– So, how was the trip? – I continued as she was putting the clothes in the laundry basket.

-It was nice. – She then the described the sights they visited and the food they ate. Nothing about their relationship. But I was hoping I’d hear the interesting stuff when Sandra came and I made a mental note to buy a baby monitor.

After she had had a shower we ate and then she read the paper.

-It’s very good, Anna. – I was just smiling, but then she sighed. – Did you have to stay past your bedtime?

I wanted to lie, but I had the urge to tell the truth.

-No,… I am sorry… I had a bit too many espressos, and I got a high from finishing the outline and just felt like I wanted to continue working… And honestly I had totally forgotten I had to be in bed by 11… I wouldn’t have sent you the email that early if I had remembered. – she chuckled.

-But I would have still known, Anna.

-How?

-I know what you do on your laptop. I told you that.

Yes, she did tell me. The first day I came. Have I been on any spanko blogs!? Shitshitshitshit…no… no… I haven’t … I haven’t… I don’t think I have…

I must have looked absolutely horrified and surprised that I got her doubting.

-Didn’t I ?

-Yes, .. yes… I had just forgotten…

I made a mental note to get myself a used iPad ASAP and hide it from her.

-OK, your bed time has now changed to 10 until further notice, and I will let the rest of the punishment slide this time… but don’t break the rule again. Understood?

I wanted to protest the bedtime. It was way too early for me. I am a night owl. 11 was too early and this is just, too much. I was taking too long to say anything and her expression was starting to change, so I quickly said:

-Yes. I am sorry.

-You are forgiven. Now, off to bed

I was about to protest again because I was supposed to have another half an hour but she just gave me the look and I kissed her goodnight and went upstairs.

Anna and Natalie 10

November 28, 2024May 14, 2026 by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

The first ten or so days with the job and schoolwork went in blur. At work I was so scared that I will mess up and that they’ll fire me, and that Nat will hate me, that I would stay longer because I’d work on a simple email for half an hour, I’d triple check things, and give my absolute best… well, the best I could under the pressure I’d put on myself. I hardly saw Nat. On the days we were leaving together, we’d chit-chat a tiny bit over breakfast and in the car already each of us was in her own thoughts. I brought her lunch twice but she was so busy she barely looked up.

I also met Matthew. Before she remembered to introduce us, I had taken some papers to him and he was very charming, which made him sleazy in my eyes. I wasn’t sure if he knew who I was or not, but if he didn’t know then he was kind of flirting. Not in a serious or actually sleazy way, but in a way that’s second nature to most …. hmm… “charming” people. A couple of days later I saw Nat and him in the hallway. He wasn’t taken aback when she introduced me, but I am not sure if it was because he had known or because he is a good actor. He just said:

-I know, we’ve met. – and in a bit of a dismissive way continued talking about a case. I didn’t have much time to observe them, nor did I fully understand what they were talking about, but he seemed to be lecturing her in a way. And she looked very serious and attentive. I didn’t like that balance of power, but he was more experienced and her senior so … I guess it was normal…

Studying on the other hand was way easier. I didn’t feel like every moment was life and death thing. Like if I make a mistake I’ll ruin my life. (yes, I am now aware how ridiculous that was and how much I had lost perspective, but at the time even a freakin’ lunch order was stressful).. It was almost relaxing to be in a class, take notes, and study. In the evenings, Nat was extremely tired. She sometimes even forgot to quiz me. When she did I would know the answer and she would stop after the first one. Once I even made a small mistake on purpose, just to see if she is actually paying attention, and she didn’t even notice. Even so, knowing that she’ll quiz me motivated me.

Finally, one Thursday Nat came home in a good mood and much earlier than usual. She seemed … happy. She decided that we should order in, and told me that she appreciated the chores and the dinners I had been making. (All of it was very simple stuff and she would never eat much of it anyway.) I joked :

-Oh, you appreciate it so much that you need a break. – she laughed and then looked at me all serious.

-No, really, kiddo. It meant a lot. And, now that I know you can make the squid rings and the broccoli-shrimp you’ll definitely be making dinner from time to time. Now, however, you can go back to focusing on studying. I hope you haven’t fallen behind….? – her tone was kind and gentle, a little bit guilty, and my heart was so open that I almost teared up… I lied with a joyful glow in my eyes and the widest of smiles.

-Don’t worry, I haven’t. – and I used the perfect opportunity to get a hug. This time she held me… maybe even whole 4 seconds!! And then she took my face into her hands.

-Are you sure?

-Yeees!! – I, again, smiled, but this time I was more aware that I was lying. I went for another hug, and got a couple of kisses in my hair. It was one of those perfect moments when you know the happiness isn’t going to last.

She pulled away and with a pat to my butt said:

-OK, now, scoot to study before Sandra comes.

I sat at the desk in the living room and started going through my notes from that day. Weirdly, happiness about Nat was distracting. The thoughts about why she was so happy especially. Was it because of Matthew? Was is because of that problematic case? I couldn’t wait for Sandra to come so I can find out everything. Suddenly, I felt as if I was coming off of an emotional high.

Also, … I know this is going to sound really bad, selfish…. ah…. It doesn’t even feel right writing it… but… I missed our old dynamic. I liked it when I was the kid and she was the adult.

I mean I enjoyed being able to offer something, like the chores and cooking, I enjoyed being able to make her life at least a tiny bit easier. But at that moment while I was sitting at the desk I suddenly felt exhausted, not so much from the physical effort but from the psychological one. I was constantly worried that I had made a mistake at work, or that I’ll ruin her laundry or that she didn’t like what I had cooked, or that she would come home before the dinner was ready, or too late when it was cold… I wanted everything to be perfect and it felt like I wouldn’t even know if it wasn’t. There wasn’t an immediate feedback if I was doing something wrong. A stern look, you know. She wasn’t present, hell, even I wasn’t. It felt as if the time had sped up and now it came to a screeching halt.

On top of everything, my confidence seemed to be deflating. I had thought I had it all well handled, but that day a professor had reminded us about a paper, and I also remembered that I had the first quiz of the semester the following week. I hadn’t handled it well at all… and suddenly I was so sleepy…

It was as if someone had put a spell on me. In 15 minutes that Nat was gone upstairs I had managed to go from “I am so joyful I could skip around” to “I just want to go to bed”.

Her voice snapped me out of it.

-Sandra is about to arrive. I’ll quiz you when she leaves, ok?

-Now!? – I thought I had at least two hours. – But, Nat, I didn’t have time to study today! – I said in a panicky voice.

-Oh, – she realized I was telling the truth, I had 4 hours of work and then 2.5 hours of lectures. – All right. Then, just go to your room, learn a couple of pages and come join us whenever you want.

I went upstairs, but I didn’t want to miss all the juicy stuff they’ll talk about in the beginning while they are catching up. As soon as I thought that they had settled down I snuck out of my room. I wished for the Weasly brothers’ magical ear so I can hear them better. Maybe I could set up a baby monitor the next time… ( I know both brats and Tops had a sharp inhale at the thought of her finding the baby monitor, but at the time, I hadn’t even thought about it). But, now, I had to go half-way down the stairs.

-Yes, he wanted to go last weekend but I had to work. He is complaining that he doesn’t get to see me as much since Anna’s been here. – She said as if she was talking about a sweet little boy and not about a man who is asking for sex! For a split second I got angry but then my heart sank heavy with sadness. She will never be my other Mom. I will never be her daughter. She will never be just mine… I felt so alone. As if there was no one in the world. And I felt cold. I guessed Mom had asked her if I can live with her while in college because of my …. … self-harming, hysterical … whatevers… while I was in high-school. I knew that she was afraid of how I’d handle college pressures, but imagining a dream where Nat would be like my other Mom and then being almost nothing but a burden to her … it was cruel. I mean, I did it myself. Nobody else dreamt it….

I carefully went back up to my room.

I must have fallen asleep while crying. Nat was sitting on my bed, stroking my hair.

-Anna, the food is here. – I wasn’t awake enough to control the flood of emotions. Seeing her there after “losing her” in my head and having felt her gentle touch, triggered the waterworks. I hugged her and the sobs came out. I had temporarily forgotten that I mustn’t be weak, that I had promised myself I’d never cry in front of her.

-Hey, sweetie, what’s going on? – she tried to pull me away to look at me, but I wouldn’t let go of her. As if her voice, although very loving, had refreshed my memory, I scrambled to think of an excuse. At the same time love and sadness coursed through every cell in my body.

-I dreamt… you diiiieeed … – I lied between the sobs.

-Oh, kiddo, – she said while stroking my back – shhhhh it’s ok now. I’m here.

I could tell that she was smiling.

-I love you – I whispered. She sighed,

– I love you, too, kid. – She kissed my hair, and hugged me. But her emotions last so little. In a couple of seconds she was pulling away again.

-Sandra is waiting for us. – she was wiping my tears and looking at me as if deeply touched, but not exactly sure what planet I came from.

-Ok. I’ll be down in a bit. – with a sigh, she got up and left.

I couldn’t resist but eavesdrop again. I know it’s not nice, but only when Sandra was there I got to have a peek into Nat’s mind. I never knew what she was thinking, and I desperately wanted to know…

-Can you imagine? Just going off like that, and to the UAE no less, without knowing anyone!

What? I definitely didn’t expect that line of conversation. She was in my room 5 minutes ago. How did they get there?! Was Nat talking about me wanting to go off to college to Arab Emirates because… well… There was this professor I met at a seminar while junior in high-school, and I kind of had a … a crush on her.. That’s not exactly how I presented it to Mom, so I don’t think Nat knows it was a crush. I don’t think she even knows I am a lesbian…

-She is so naive! – Nat continued – Do you know how many times she lent her savings to so called friends and never got it back. The moment someone shows her kindness… What she thinks is kindness!… she gives them her heart on a platter. I have to toughen her up!

-Or maybe she needs to soften you! – Sandra teased

-No, – Nat was determined- she can’t go through life that vulnerable. And gullible! What Simon said about her coworker… Honestly, three kind words and she’ll do whatever they ask.

What? Well, I did accept to help a coworker. She had some problems with her kid, so I figured I could help her out once… Was I being gullible?

-Well, maybe if she got more kindness from you… – Sandra tried to interject, but Nat cut her off.

-No! She got all the kindness and understanding from Kim. What she needs from me is discipline.

-Agrh! – Sandra was jokingly exasperated – You are horrrible!

They both started laughing.

I had a lot of feelings. I felt love for Sandra because she stood up for me, and tried to reason with the scary Goddess. Although,.. I think Sandra had much more down to earth view of Nat, unlike my Mom and me. I also wanted to scream at Nat that that’s not what I need from her, but a part of me knew that it wouldn’t be true. I yearned for structure and discipline my whole life, someone else to be in charge so I don’t have to push and torture myself… all by myself.

What I hoped for, however, was that she would get that I definitely need more kindness and cuddling from her. Even though her subtext was that I am basically stupid, I felt that she loved me and wanted to protect me – and, for me, that was enough at that moment.

I came in happy, I hugged Sandra with the warmest of hugs. It was more than the usual amount of affection and, when I think about it, she probably knew that I had overheard the conversation, but she was gentle and hugged me back with the same warmth. Then I turned to Nat, but she had a “don’t ” face:

-Sit, we’ve been waiting for you to eat.

So I just sat down. Sandra half whispered:

-We wouldn’t want her heart to melt, would we? – and we both giggled

-I heard that!

The dinner was relaxing and fun. We joked. Not on Nat’s expense.

She also informed me that she’d be going away with Matthew for the weekend. Thank God, I had already known about it because I would have made a face for sure. This way I could smile and calmly ask:

-Oh, that’s cool. Where are you going?

Also, I knew she thought I needed discipline, so she wouldn’t let go of me that easily.

*****

As soon as Sandra had left, she told me to bring my books. I just stood there wondering if I had maybe remembered enough from the lecture to risk it (so I turned around to walk), but I had a feeling that tonight won’t be like the previous nights. This time it will be a real quiz. (I stopped again) So, maybe I should just come clean and not waste more of her time.

-Nat… – I turned around again to see her arms crossed observing me.

-Yes? – Why was she that angry?! A couple of hours ago she was so chill about me not having had time, and she knows I had fallen asleep instead of studying. What changed? Oh… I realized… “what Simon said”…

-I … didn’t really study much today. – I resigned myself to whatever was coming. All of a sudden I just didn’t feel like I had the energy to do anything at all.

-Why not? – you know when someone is asking you questions, but they know the answer; they just want you to admit something.

-I didn’t have enough time, and then I fell asleep….

-How come you didn’t have enough time? You have two hours between work and lectures. Without the commute it’s still almost an hour and a half. – I stayed silent. I could feel that I am not going to like this conversation and I was sensing spanking danger.

-I..ummm… I stayed longer at work…. – her eyes questioning me, I just continued : – A co-worker asked me for a favor and it was supposed to be 2 quick things, one of them on your floor, so I gladly accepted it.

-Wait. – she interrupted me – You gladly accepted it because it was on my floor?

-Ummm…. – realizing that that had made her angrier, I tried to lie : – well, no… but, I hadn’t seen you … so… I … I didn’t accept it because of that… it’s just like an added …bonus…

Then I continued as if put on 2x speed:

– I mean, she needed help, and it was supposed be quick, but then one of your colleagues asked if I could edit a couple of emails, so I did, because my co-worker had already left… and it would have been her job to sub for his assistant… and that’s why I had to stay more than an hour later. – I finished abruptly.

-Well, then, you made a choice and now there are consequences.

-Nat…

-No, you need to figure out what your priorities are. Bring your books. – There was no room for negotiation.

By the time I brought the books she had in front of her the folder with all of my lectures’ calendars and study plans.

By a stroke of luck I remembered the first two answers from the lecture. Then she asked another one which I kind of knew. But the fourth one wasn’t in the lecture or at least I didn’t remember it.

It was as if she had been waiting for me not to know, she asked another one from the same page and closed the book with a snap when I didn’t know it.

-Not good enough, Anna. – there was a pause with silence somehow amplifying her words. She got up and opened the wooden-spoons drawer. -Come.

Her anger was so out of proportion with what was happening that I was more surprised then worried. It felt as if there is someone else in her body. I wasn’t even afraid of the spanking.

-Since you did know something and it was I who invited Sandra for dinner, this one is not going to be a full version of what you’ll get the next time. Understood?

-Yes… – I said standing next to her and observing her intently. I think that was disconcerting to her. She put the spoon on the table next to my book.

– You have 5 minutes to read these 3 pages. Every wrong answer will earn you a minute over my lap.

With that she left and I was more concerned with what me being over her lap would be like than with reading. She had spanked me over her knees only once, and I wanted the closeness.

Thankfully, she gave me full 15 minutes, so even with my thoughts all around the place I managed to read the pages twice, and I was confident that I’d know a good 60%-80% of what I’d read, at least.

She came back as if from a strange reset. She was tired and I think not in the mood to quiz me or spank me.
I mostly knew the first two questions.

-And the third one… – she said as she was skimming the page. I almost laughed because I had the idea that I could just make a mistake even if I knew just to see what she’d do. I can take a minute over her lap. I felt like I was floating above both of us and the whole situation seemed so ridiculous. I barely contained laughter and I lied that I didn’t know the answer.

It was so funny to see her struggling. On one hand, she is a stickler for rules and promises, and on the other she didn’t want to do it.

Her freakish willpower overcame the fatigue. As if searching for extra fuel she glanced at the folder with the calendar.

– I assume you are almost done with the paper you have due in 10 days , which means you need to hand it to me by Sunday evening.

The cheekiness dissipated from my head. I hadn’t even started on it. I hadn’t read anything, and let alone written.

-Yeah , I should have it by Sunday evening. – all of a sudden I was so tired and I regretted not answering the third question correctly.

-Ok, then. Come here. -She pointed to where she was standing. There was no “lap”. I don’t really know why I blurted it out. I mean a part of me just wanted to go to bed, but obviously the cheeky part was just hiding, not really gone.

-But you said over your lap!

-Anna, I am really tired, so please don’t make this more difficult than it has to be. Come. Here.

-Noooo… You promised! – I whined.

-What?! – she seemed unable to understand what she had promised. She sounded so tired, and if I had been more present, out of love for her, I would have just approached her and let her spank me with the wooden spoon, but I was tired and weirdly in a bratty mood, which I would not have displayed in front of her under normal circumstances.

-You said that for every question I got wrong I’d get a minute over your lap. – She was looking at me as if she couldn’t understand what I was saying and then it dawned on her.

-You did it on purpose! – with the understanding the anger was coming back and tiredness seemed to vanish. A transformation was happening right in front of my eyes. She straitened even further than usual (she always stands straight but somehow there was more).

-So, you were testing me. Very well. You will not like the result. – She stormed upstairs.

Now I was the one who didn’t understand what was happening. Was she going to bring something? The belt?!! I regretted my choices very deeply at that thought.

As I heard her come down the stairs I started whining again.

-Nat, I am sorry! I don’t know why I did it. I was…- she appeared with a hairbrush in her hand – … tired…

She grabbed my wrist with the other and led me to the couch in the living room. However, she proceeded to get a high chair and put it next to the couch. After she had sat on it, she finally spoke.

-Come. – I approached her and started begging:

-Nat… I am sorry. I don’t know why I did it… please don’t be angry…. – She totally ignored everything I said and pulled my sweatpants. She was careful not to pull my panties down with them which was a tremendous relief because that would have been just too embarrassing.

-Over my knees.

I obeyed, already on the verge of tears. MY upper body rested on the couch and my feet on the floor. It was not a comfortable position, but her lap definitely was there. She adjusted her legs a little bit and without a warning or a warmup she started swatting with that horrible hairbrush!

-Naaat…. oooowww… I am sorryyyy…

– You wanted to be over my lap, so here you have it. – She was covering all of my butt but she was focused on the sit spots too much. I started kicking.

-It’s bee-een a mi— nute…! – she stopped.

-Oh, little one, did you think you won’t get extra for testing me!?

-Naaat…

-No! You wanted to be in this position. Next time you think better what you’re wishing for. – with that she continued with the fast paced scorching of my butt and thighs.

-I just wa—aaanted yooouuu to caa-aare…. – I was blubbering almost unintelligibly. She stopped again.

-What did you want? – her voice was stern and it felt as if I was adding fuel to fire.

-I am sorry…

-I asked you something, Anna. – she emphasized my name with a particularly hard smack.

-to care…. – I said between sobs. – I am sorry… I know you care…

I wanted to fill the silence so I continued…

– I really do…. I am sorry … I was just tired and… – I stopped myself before I pronounced jealous. It was really hard to focus. I kept repeating to myself: don’t say jealous. Do not mention Matthew.

-and what? – she put the brush on my butt as if to rest her arm, but the pressure on a sore skin was not a good feeling. And my mind was empty. I knew I mustn’t tell the truth but I couldn’t think of anything.

Sad? Disapointed? Angry at myself? Yes!

-and angry at myself… for … for… not being able to … – No ideas were coming to my mind. I was actually a little bit satisfied with myself for what I had accomplished in those 10 days. And then I remembered the quiz and the paper . – for falling behind! (I said almost joyfully for remembering a reason).

Even before her voice got to me I realized what I had done.

-Falling behind?!

-Ummmm… – shitshitshit- umm

-Anna?!

-ummmm ….

-Speak.immediately! – it was as if she had pressed a button to restart my brain.

-Not by a lot. – I was on 2x speed, panicky. – It’s just that I hadn’t started writing the paper. – She moved the brush from my butt, I guess in order to continue with the spanking but I tried to quickly add. – It will be ready by Sunday evening. I have read and researched but just I haven’t started the writing… – She put the brush down.

I was breathing heavily.

-On top of everything you were lying before… – she sounded more exasperated than stern.

-Obviously, you will need to send me the first 3 pages tomorrow evening, so we don’t have to be back here on Sunday. Understood?

-Yes….

-Good.

With that, however, she resumed the spanking. I think it wasn’t as hard but it felt harder because my butt and thighs were so, so sore…

By the time she stopped I was just sobbing uncontrollably. She sighed. She sounded tired:

-Anna… come on, get up…

I didn’t exactly get up. Somehow I ended up kneeling next to her and I hugged her. She held me.

-So, did you like what you asked for?

-Noo-ooo – I was still sobbing. -But I li-ike this. – I held her tighter. I think she was stroking my hair absentmindedly. I wasn’t even sure if she heard what I said, but I stayed there for another minute, until she prompted me to get up.

Anna and Natalie 9

November 28, 2024 by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

(This is a short and non-spanking chapter, hopefully more is coming soon… )

The morning was uneventful. We were both very distant and except for the “morning”, “do you want more coffee?” and “I’m ready”, I didn’t say a thing to her. I was wearing that ugly skirt and shirt, well I was ugly, the clothes were actually nice. She was wearing a pantsuit that made her look incredible, but all business-like, a bit cold, bossy.

We were both silently angry all the way to her office. I got the guest pass, and went with her to the first floor. The guy who greeted us seemed really nice, upbeat, and I knew I had to make myself be positive and nice towards him as well. And then I had a thought that being extremely nice to him might piss her off because I had been so distant with her. I also had a thought that she may not give a fuck about what I am doing, but I didn’t want to listen to that voice.

The guy, Brandon, showed me around and talked to me about some administrative processes, how things are marked in the files, and how to use the copier, and all those things that seem so simple, but when you hear a lot of information like that you get overwhelmed. I mean, I did, but he was patient and I actually got all of it in the end. He joked that I would pass the exam. For lunch we went out so he could show me a couple of fancy places that someone might ask me to pick up food from because they don’t deliver. And we talked about all kinds of things. It was easy to talk to him. He was surprised that I was fluent in Spanish and thought that might help me advance from low level administrative assistant position soon. He thought my jokes were funny, and that I am really smart. In his eyes I was so cool that I almost started believing it myself.

We had finished everything that he could show me about my possible job, and I was planning to go and not even tell Natalie that I was going and wander around the city, and not come back home until late. We had a deal that I would start studying that afternoon. I was actually considering picking up the book from home and studying but telling her I didn’t. However, he said that Ms. Lawson told him to bring me to the 5th floor once we were done so she could introduce me to someone. I just thought it must be the Matthew guy and already started planning how I’d be rude to him in a covert way.

When we got to the 5th floor, Brandon pointed to Ms Lawson’s office and went to take some files to someone. It was so strange when he called Nat by her last name. I had a feeling she is even more powerful than I thought. It felt like I was close to a Goddess. I just wished she was my other Mom so it would make sense for her to love me. Maybe then I would be more like her… The memory of the slap and jealousy of Mathew appeared in my mind.

I had the opportunity to go away without letting her know. Make her angry, and possibly make her worry! But the moment I turned around my heart sank – then I might not get to work with her, and I still wanted that. No matter how angry, I knew I wanted to spend time with her, so I decided to say hi but be as bratty as possible.

She had those glass panels to the front of her office and although the blinds were kind of drawn I could easily see through them. She was sitting at her desk, holding her face in her hands,… she was just sitting there … That was odd… Someone’s office door opened and I quickly moved towards her door.

She must have heard me or the other door because she lifted her head as if startled. She was so pale, and she looked scared, or lost… it was a strange look… especially on her . I don’t want to say helpless or desperate, but there was something deeply wrong. She gathered herself amazingly quickly, her face turned into a determined/angry kind. But there was still heaviness around her. I only wanted to hug her and make better whatever was bothering her.

-Nat, … are you ok?… – I asked, my heart wide open, wanting to embrace her and keep her safe and happy in there.

-Why wouldn’t I be ok? – she snapped at me, but I didn’t react. I just kept looking at her. I sat on a chair opposite her.

– If you have finished, you should go home and study. – I was about to get angry again when she glanced at the table in front of her and an overwhelmed expression swept across her face.

However, she continued in a matter of fact tone:

– I will probably have to stay late.

-I am sorry, Nat… – she was about to say something, but then she actually looked at me, stopped, and her face softened.

-I know – she said with a sigh. She seemed as if she was about to say something but then she decided not to. My guess is that she wanted to say she was sorry, too.

-Have you had lunch? – I asked. For a second she was trying to remember if she had.

-I’ll have something later. I’ve been busy. You should go home now, I really have a lot of work.

-I’ll go home after I bring you something to eat. – I was calm and determined. She did raise her eyebrows a little bit, but it was almost as if she didn’t have the strength to fight me. She took a look at her watch. Her slender hand was trembling. She took another long look at me and picked up the phone to order food.

When I came back with the food she greeted me with a smile and I wanted to hug her sooo much, but I knew she was a stickler for professionalism and I didn’t want to ruin the new dynamics.

I was already at the door when she called my name:

-Anna.

-Yes? – I turned around with a wide, loving smile expecting something nice, like “Thank you, it’s so nice to have someone who cares….”, but she said:

– Please study as we agreed. – well, at least her tone was nice. I tried my best to understand it as her caring for me and not as her caring about a goal she had set for me.

-I will – I promised because my heart was filled with so much love for her. I would have accepted any agreement at that point.

Robin 9

May 7, 2023September 7, 2025 by annaffd, posted in Robin

-Is that a milkshake!? – she appeared out of nowhere by my side… Well, I may have been watching the Discovery of Witches and didn’t hear her come in.

She grabbed the almost empty cup out of my hand. She was mad.

I turned off the TV without speaking or taking my eyes off of her. She was supposed to be at work until the following morning. I tried to find some words, but I felt as if her piercing glare was paralyzing me.

-I..I…. – she clicked away on her heels into the kitchen. How can she wear those all the time!? Why am I even thinking about her heels when she is about to spank me. But she couldn’t spank me just because of a cup of … shiit! The burger wrappers are in the trash. PLeeeaasse don’t look…(the sound of her lifting the lid) …oohhhh. Yep, she was looking at it. She slammed the trashcan lid. I was doomed. I could hear the water running in the sink. Then she opened the fridge. Shit!!! the broccoli ! I forgot about that… shit… Her heels were clicking back to the living room, slowly… ominously.

– I am sorry, I tried to …

-NO! We didn’t agree that you would try! We agreed that you would STOP eating and drinking junk for one month and that you would tell me in advance when you needed to cheat.

– I am sorry….

-Oh, you just wait! In the corner, right now!

-But, I c..

-You can’t stand?! -she didn’t let me finish, lightnings in her eyes.- Isn’t that why we started all of this? Didn’t I tell you that we should start with the iron! Corner. Now!

I couldn’t understand why she was that angry. I was confused and just stood there looking at her. Without another word she just came and grabbed the top of my ear!

-Oooouch! Hey, that hurts… Robiiin! – I was trying to shield my ear with my hand, but I ended up awkwardly just touching her fingers because she didn’t let go until we got to the corner. Then she pulled down my sweatpants and gave me about two dozen of the angriest spanks ever!

-How many times have you cheated?! – I had cheated 4 times in those 3 days since I had “started” the diet and I asked her only for one in advance. For a split second I thought about confessing but I remembered that I hid the other 3 much more carefully than this last one. I made sure she wouldn’t catch me, and I erased all the traces (deleting the dialed numbers, paying cash).

-Just the one you approved.

-turn around and look at me. – her tone was chillingly official. I was starting to panic that she would see that I was lying. I thought I would pee from the fear.

-I am sorry, I think I was PMS-ing…

-Why didn’t you ask? You had 2 more cheats this week. – I bowed my head. The real reason was because I was saving the cheats for the times when she was with me.

– I am sorry… I didn’t want to message you while you were in this shift and I was craving …

-Enough. Better don’t. Turn around. – I think she was too angry and she knew I was lying but to add the lie to all of the punishment would have been too much, I guess.

****

Just as the fear was calming down, and I was starting to feel light headed, she came back. She had changed into slacks and a T-shirt and she still looked like a Goddess.

-Come here – she ordered in a determined voice. I turned around and went to pull up my sweatpants, when I saw a pharmacy bag was on the coffee table. She was taking out a syringe and a needle and some glass thingies. I quickly pulled the sweatpants up and stepped backwards, putting my behind in the corner, seriously panicking.

-No!!! You said I could try with the food! Robiiii…n…. You said it was a better solution in the long run!!! – I was whining, and on the verge of tears. – You said it would…

-… and you said that you would eat according to the diet we agreed upon.

– I will…This was just a slip up… I will,.. I promise!!

– yes, you will. Now, come lie over my knee – she said coldly as she was reading something on the little bottle like thingy with the injections solution.

-Noooooo… – I whispered in pleading voice while I was thinking about running and locking myself into the bathroom.

– Excuse me?!

– Please Robin…. Please give me another chance… I’ll eat right this time please.. I won’t cheat for the rest of the month, not once…I promise…I Promise… honeyyy.

-You will continue with the diet, but now you will also get the shots. – she was so stern. I don’t think I had ever seen her that serious and strict. I knew there was no way out, still I had to try to escape the injections. I glanced toward the stairs. – Do I need to get the spatula? – she asked in a calm, menacing way.

-No, please…

-Sonia, we have to do this. – she left the thingy on the table and approached me. It was too late to run now… – I’ve talked to Carina.

-NO! – Carina was her friend and a cardiologist. – Not your friends…

-Sonia! – She swiftly turned me around and started spanking, then she pulled down the sweatpants again. – Step out. – I stepped out, my legs trembling a bit. She continued spanking and lecturing all the way to the sofa.

– You are seriously testing my patience. You are being incredibly childish and if I hear one more word or whining from you, you are getting a real spanking before the injection. – With that she finished. My butt was already sore and stinging. I stood there, miserable, while she was preparing the shot. – So, Carina will see you tomorrow for the heart ultrasound. I don’t understand why your cardiologist didn’t do that with your history.

I wasn’t listening to her. I just heard the sounds of the metal thingy cutting that glass thingy… and then the pop… and the unwrapping of the syringe… and the needle… my God… She recapped the needle and put it on the table. She sat down and glanced at me as she was opening the alcohol bottle.

-Stop looking at me like a wounded puppy and come here – she was calming down, and her voice became a tiny bit softer. She held out her hand and I took it. First she made me stand in front of her, and then I had to lie over her left knee. Her right leg was pressing on my legs so I couldn’t move. then she lowered my panties to my thighs and I whimpered. She was stroking my back as she was talking.

-Sweetie, this is going to sting a little bit, but you mustn’t move. OK?

-okay…. – I tensed up as she was cleaning the skin with alcohol.

-you have to relax, love. Come on, honey, we’ll make love when we finish?- she said as she was gently stroking my rosy behind…

-No, we won’t. – I was mostly pitiful but still slightly playfully pouting. – I hate you … – she laughed. I almost didn’t feel when she stuck the needle but then it started burning.

– Will you hate me even when I kiss you?

-Yes, … – it hurt and I was sniffling.

-And when I hug you?

-Yes – although tears were running down my cheeks, the notion of a hug brought lightness to the situation . – Is it over??

-Just a little longer, baby.

-It really burns…

-My God, what will I do with you when you get the iron…

-What?.. what was this?!

-This was just B12, you have to get iron intravenously. And you are deficient in both. – she said as she was pulling out the needle.

-Robiiiiiin!!!

-Shhushhhh! – she massaged the spot a little bit. When she stopped I went to get up but she gently pushed me down and left her hand on my back. – Wait. First tell me what is the consequence for cheating without asking in advance?

-I don’t get to cheat for the rest of the month…

-… and …?

-But you’ve already spanked me!!! And you gave me a shot!!! – I was whining again.

-Oh, that was not a sound spanking. That was just because you wouldn’t come to get your shot.

-But you sp…

-No! – she went back to no nonsense tone. – Tomorrow after your appointment with Carina you are getting the spanking for cheating and hopefully you won’t deserve more by the evening.

-Okay….

-Now, you can get up.

I ended up kneeling on the carpet between her legs and as sexual as it may have looked from the outside, I actually felt like a kid and I hugged her seeking comfort from her strictness in her embrace.

-Do you still hate me?

-Yes! – I sniffled.

-Okay… – she said smiling and gently stroking my hair.

Robin 8

May 7, 2023November 9, 2023 by annaffd, posted in Robin

When I woke up the next day a message from Robin was on my phone.

“Babe, I had to go to work. I’ll be here until tomorrow morning. Are you up for a sleepover on Sunday evening?”

Hmm… She usually likes to go to bed early when she comes from those inhumane shifts. What does this mean?

My butt was still so sore from the day before and I felt like I deserved a cuddling, so I decided, she was also sorry that we couldn’t spend some time together that morning.

***

As I was getting off the bus it dawned on me that she probably already had the blood work results. I was hoping that she would just tell me to take some pills or vitamins or something and that I don’t have to go to those other examinations.

***

When she came home she was serious, almost somber. As soon as we sat down she explained to me that I not only have anemia, but an inflammation in my body as well, and Hashimotos (which I had kind of known about just “forgot” to mention it), and that my blood sugar wasn’t perfect either. She said she had some suspicions and that we would have to do some more tests for more antibodies and some heart markers and have a cardiologist appointment because obviously anemia can cause serious heart problems and it seemed like it already had. I kind of knew all those things … all along. I mean, I suspected that something was wrong but didn’t feel like paying too much attention to it.

However, she proceeded to tell me that although there are medications that could help me with all of that, she wanted me to try some other methods. Primarily, food and activity stuff first. Of course, I said yes, because she seemed so serious, sad and worried. I didn’t want her to feel that way. The news didn’t really bum me out. Well, it wasn’t news for me. The only thing that got me worried is that I might become too difficult, too complicated for her… I got scared that she will start seeing me as a patient and she’s got loads of those.

I wanted to change the subject, to ask her about her research . But she wouldn’t let it go. She kept explaining all the ways that a change of diet will be beneficial. And as I was promising her that I would obey everything she says, she pulled out a list of what I shouldn’t eat any more (the junk food basically) and after scanning it, I realized that in one swoop she took away almost everything I usually eat. And then I looked at the things I am supposed to eat… and all I wanted was a BigMac and a shake. No, two BigMacs. But I agreed to the list, including the walks in the park and the exercising. All in hopes that we would change the subject.

” OK, I see that you’re impatient and I don’t quite understand why the news didn’t affect you at all. I guess it still didn’t get through to you. But we must discuss consequences. First of all, because I know you will cheat, I will give you 3 cheat meals OR deserts a week, this month. You have to report them to me, in advance.” She gave me a very meaningful look here. “If you don’t, you will get a sound spanking and for the rest of the month there will be no more cheating. For every missed exercise time, unless there is a good reason and I let you skip it, in advance!! (again the look), you are doing two and of course going over my knee.” I realized that there was no way I am getting out of this experiment without a spanking or five…

“And, we will adjust your bed time.” (Oooh… Come on!!! ) But I didn’t say anything. “Sonia! No eye rolling! I know you’re a night owl and usually you don’t have to get up early, but from now on, your bed time is 11:30 p.m. and I want to see that you are up by 8 a.m. and that your bed is made. There will be surprise video calls and visits.

“But..!” – I wasn’t even sure which part I wanted to protest against.

“Yes?” , she asked in a stern tone. My stomach curled up and I changed my mind about protesting.

“nothing…”

“Are we clear on the rules?”

“Yes…”

“And, we are also starting with the iron tomorrow, because no matter what has been causing your anemia, you need it raised, and quickly.”

“OK” – I agreed obediently as I was planning how I will trick her… After all I figured that she can’t really know what I eat when I am not with her, so when I am at home, when I am working, when she is working… I will have plenty of opportunities. The sleeping things will be tricky, but I can always go back to bed after she sees that my bed is made… But exercise I would have to do… unless it is when she has the 24 hour shift … or when she is away on seminars… or..

-So, when are you free tomorrow? – She brought me back from my mischievous plans.

-I am free all day, why? – I asked hopefully, thinking that she might have something planned for the two of us because I knew it was her day off.

-Ok, then I can take you to the clinic at about 11? And then we’re done with it and we get a whole day together. – I was confused.

-I am not getting it.. why are we going to the clinic?

-You are getting your first iron infusion tomorrow. – it was like my brain didn’t actually understand the words. The word infusion lingered. A part of me was starting to get scared of being sick… another part was just afraid of the infusion…

-No way I am doing that. – the words were registering and I was giving her my answer but I wasn’t all the way present. The word infusion made everything seem so real. Am I really sick? – I am not doing that, tomorrow or ever. Robin, I will not do that! I am not sick.

She took a deep breath and as if she was talking to a child who didn’t understand a lesson, she patiently tried:

-Honey, if the pills haven’t worked for you so far there might be a problem with the absorption . So we have to do it this way…

-No! – I stood up from the table. She was surprised.

-Look, I know you are afraid of needles, and I guess the infusion is a bit scary for you, but it will be over, quickly, and I’ll sit with you the whole time and you will feel so much better. Come on, love,.. can you imagine how brilliant it will be when your brain has enough oxygen? Can you imagine how easy things will become for you? – although the thought of things becoming easier was tempting, the fear was greater.

-No, let’s try with the diet … and then if it doesn’t work…

-But, love, if absorption is the problem, … even if the diet could fix the underlying cause, it would take time.. you need this… And your heart… – I was slowly shaking my head and she could see that I am determined. – Fine… maybe it is better to go natural… But we will have to revisit this after your cardiologist appointment. If things are worse than I expect, then there will be no discussion. Understood?

-Yes, Ma’am. – She laughed at me adding Ma’am because we don’t usually do that. I was glad she was laughing because even if the things are worse than she expected, I am not doing the infusion thing .

-And, if you don’t report the cheating or if you miss more than one exercise session this month, we are starting the iron.

-I promise I will be good. – I gave her the most angelic smile and I went around the table to hug her.

I was set on leaving the role of her patient behind us.

-How about I make you a bath and then when you are done the shrimp-broccoli pasta is awaiting for you? – She was about to smile when she remembered.

-Oh, but we only have regular pasta… – For a second I didn’t understand and then one of the headlines on the list flashed in front of my eyes, gluten was one of the things that wasn’t allowed for me.

-Not to worry. I’ll eat corn.

-I’ll join you – she was relieved.

A beautiful smile lit up her face. After dinner we watched her favorite show and she fell asleep on the couch. She was so peaceful and beautiful. For the first time that evening I actually thought about what she said: what if things became easier for me? What if some of the fog, some of the laziness were just physiological… What if I actually could be smarter… and better … for her….? How wonderful would that be?!

****

The next day I had a mission of pampering her. Before breakfast I made her cum three times and I was so happy to be successful in exploring her body. She actually took a quick nap afterwards, while I made breakfast and set the table. That was so unlike her to just relax and let go.

Later while we were walking though the woods she talked passionately about her research and I had a helpful question which led to an insight for her which made me even more joyful and again I went back to thinking … what if this diet actually made me smart like when I was a kid? What if I actually became worthy of this wonder next to me?!

Anna and Natalie 8

January 31, 2023April 19, 2025 by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

That night I lay in bed thinking of the possible scenarios for the year ahead. Fantasy was interrupted by intense fear of screwing it all up. When I went into fantasizing it felt amazing, but as soon as I realized what my days would be like I got terrified and felt like I should start working on something right then and there in the middle of the night, because there was so much to do… In the end, I fell asleep fantasizing about my life with Natalie… spending so much time with her… work and home…, her presenting me proudly as her adopted daughter. I even felt I could do it all. It felt exciting after spending months in my room doing nothing.

When the alarm went off in the morning, I was too sleepy to get up and wanted to snooze it, but remembered where I was and knew I shouldn’t do it. I turned onto my back and had a painful reminder of one of the reasons why I should get up.

Then, I heard the door of her room, and truly became aware of my surroundings. The reality sometimes seemed not real to me… like … I wasn’t really aware of things or the future, although I knew they were there. But at that moment, I told myself: “this is the part where I change!” and I got up! It may sound irrelevant to you, but … for the previous three months I had always snoozed and if I felt sleepy I wasn’t able to make myself get up (well, unless I really needed to pee, but then I’d go back to bed).

I went to take a shower, which was another success. That summer at home I’d go for two or even three days without showering…

When I came downstairs I was in such a good mood. I could conquer the world because I’d fought myself and won!

In the dining room there was her smiling face. How much I loved that face! I couldn’t believe myself : I wanted to give this up??! This morning! I must have been insane. I rushed towards her and hugged her. I wanted to hold her longer but she felt a second was enough and let go. I so wished she would want to hold me… but that’s how she is, I thought.

We started planning the day. I had to go shopping for some things I hadn’t brought (a reprimanding look, which I tried to soften with an cute-apologetic one and got a sigh as she shook her head at me). We planned on going to a restaurant after that.

In the evening Sandra was going to join us for a movie night. Nat bought a projector, so we were going to have almost a cinema experience. She offered that I invite one of my friends, but I had lost touch with everyone. On top of it, I wished for a movie night with just Nat, although Sandra can be fun. Well, maybe it’s for the best, I thought, so Nat won’t get bored of me.

As I was about to ask Nat how she spent her summer she got a phone call from a colleague and went to her room.

I had already finished breakfast, washed the dishes and thrown out the trash by the time she came back. She was ready to go out, so I went to change quickly.

Everything was so smooth and peaceful, until I went to buy clothes. I had gained some weight… well, … a lot of it.. over the summer and trying on clothes was so depressing… I looked fat and ugly… everything was way too tight or huge… the hatred towards myself and my body came back, full strength. I was trying to control it, because Nat was patiently waiting for me to choose something, but I felt like crying, like hitting myself in the fat belly for eating so much, for not exercising… The pants were the most bumming experience. I didn’t want to buy any of them – I looked disgusting… I couldn’t even come close to zipping up the size I used to wear…

I came out of the changing room on the verge of frustrated tears. I really didn’t want to be difficult. I really wanted to continue joking and having fun… But, I just couldn’t imagine myself wearing any of the pants. I wanted to ask her if I could maybe wear my jeans to work, at least for a week or so… until I lose at least some weight… but when I opened my mouth to say it, tears filled my eyes.

-Can I wear my jeans to work? – I asked in a whiny sort of voice and stopped, holding back the tears. She sighed deeply as if bracing herself. I really wanted to be different… and I really hated myself. – Please…? At least for a week or so…? I’ll lose some weight and … (but I couldn’t talk any more because if I did I would start full on crying in the middle of the store).

-Anna… – I think she felt sorry for me at that moment. – the baggy ones?

I nodded squeezing the used paper tissues in my hand.

-You can’t wear that to work, honey… How about a skirt? – I hadn’t thought of a skirt at all. For me skirts and dresses were something you wear when you want to look fancy, like for a party or something. A skirt might totally solve the problem. It can be a fluffy one that doesn’t show what my legs look like. I was so relieved and happy, and I hugged her:

-Thank you! Thankyou! Thankyou, Nat!

-OK, crybaby, let’s find you a skirt… for work… God… I should be sending you to a kindergarten instead. – she patted my butt as a “let’s go” but I winced which made her chuckle. – Oh, so you still have the reminder.

I was a bit embarrassed, and at the same time wanted to tell her that breakfast and the car ride weren’t a picnic, but she had already gone to find skirts.

When I went in to try a couple of them, I was in for another disappointment. I looked hideous… but I was able to go to that resigned place where nothing really matters. So, I bought one.

When we sat to have lunch I was hungry like a wolf, but determined that I would not eat a lot. I decided to imagine that every bite I eat is going straight into my belly and thighs and staying there for ever. Needless to say my mood got darker, I felt helpless and hateful towards myself and the food. And again, on the verge of crying… I was trying to chat and I asked her how was her summer.

She said she was crazy busy, but that she got promoted. She went on a week long holiday to Hawaii…Somehow it was weird to imagine her just relaxing on a beach, suntanning or just lying around. I asked more questions about the new position, does she like it… almost small talk … because all the time at the back of my mind I was busy feeling miserable.

When we came back home, I went to my room, relieved that I can finally cry to my heart’s content. I came out a two hours later when Sandra was about to come.

Nat was making popcorn when her phone lit up and I saw a man’s photo.

-A … Matthew… is calling you…. – she made a strange face like she got scared, or panicky.

-Could you finish this up? – she asked as she was taking the phone and almost running towards the stairs. Sandra rang the bell a minute later.

I hadn’t realized that I had actually missed her, so it was nice to see her. We started talking and joking, and when we moved to the living room I started setting up. However, as I moved the ominous armchair towards the fireplace, I was in for a surprise.

Matthew was staring at me from a photo taken in Hawaii. Natalie was looking at him all in love, like he is God or something. I’d never seen her look at anyone like that. I was staring at the photo with my mouth open. I was trying to process the information but it felt as if someone had poured a bucket of icy water on my head. Eventually a thought broke through the mush that my brain had become: “She loves him.” and then other came rushing in: “They are together. We’re no longer a duo. We never were….” I became so jealous and sad and really only wanted to escape and yet I couldn’t take my eyes off of them.

Sandra appeared behind me and put her hand on my shoulder which startled me. I tried to covertly wipe a tear and nonchalantly say.

-So,…. this is Matthew.

-Oh, you haven’t met him. He is a great guy…. – she continued talking, something about him being successful, and smart, and funny, and so charming but all I really heard were my own thoughts on repeat: “She Loves him. She loves Him. I must leave. SHE loves him… I must let her be… She loves him…. “

When Nat finally appeared I was torn between wanting to hug her and hold her, because I felt I was losing her, on one hand, and being angry at her for making me think there is room in her life for me, on the other. I wished that we had such a relationship that I could ask her why she invited me back when she was in a serious relationship.

I was so much in my thoughts that I wasn’t even following what was happening in the movie. Sandra and Natalie were having fun. As soon as the movie was over I excused myself, pretending to be sleepy.

Rushing to go upstairs I had forgotten my water and started going back down when I realized I could hear what they were saying.

Natalie was passionately discussing me:

-I don’t know what’s wrong with her anymore, I mean to cry in a store! Why did she take after Kimberley and her mom so much. Why couldn’t she have been more like me? (I wanted to scream from the top of the stairs – well maybe I would have been if you hadn’t left… and I realized I was getting angry at someone who gave me so much without being related)

Sandra: Epigenetics, … (what does she mean by epigenetics?! It’s just genetics… what, like if Nat had been around she could have influenced the expression of my genes?! oh… they are probably both drunk)

Natalie: oh, well… whatever… I want to tell you about Matthew… On Saturday he came over (I wasn’t going to listen to her talking about him so I started running down the stairs in order to make noise)

-Anna! Why are you up?! – she snapped as if it were past my bedtime or something. I knew it was because she got irritated thinking that I had heard something about her beloved Mathew and anger got hold of me again.

-I was just getting a glass of water… chill… – I said with a … teenage like attitude and turned around to take the glass, but when I turned again her head was slightly down and eyebrows up. Ominous. I wanted to take the “chill… ” back, together with the attitude, but didn’t know how. I couldn’t get all whiny in front of Sandra, especially because I didn’t want to show that “there is something wrong with me” and to “cry in front of guests”.

Only my footsteps could be heard, until she said to Sandra:

-I’ll be right back. – she was getting up when I heard Sandra quietly saying something starting with “come on… let her be”, as in telling her that she is making a big deal out of it, but I was rushing up the stairs to get to my bedroom as quickly as possible. I promised myself that if she comes to spank me, I wouldn’t cry. I would never let her see me cry again. She can beat the hell out of me, I will not cry.

She opened the door to my bedroom and without even closing it, she quickly approached me. I was sitting on the bed bracing myself not to cry whatever happens and I think spite and anger were building up instead of fear.

She stopped right in front of me, slapped me on the cheek, pretty hard, and then lifted my chin up.

-Don’t you ever talk to me like that. – I have no idea how I kept my cool. The slap was so hard that the tears came by themselves, like some reflex, but I didn’t look down. I looked her straight in the eye.

-Yes, Ma’m. – I think she was a bit surprised by my reaction. I would normally beg her not to be angry at me, or I would cry, but although two tears escaped I wasn’t crying. My lips weren’t curling. I was tough. Just like her.

-I expect you to be ready to leave at half past 7 tomorrow.

-Yes, Ma’am.

She closed the door as she left the room and I kept sitting there trying to make sense of what had just happened. My cheek was burning, I felt humiliated, pride and ego so hurt. But I was tough. I struggled a little bit with the thought that being humiliated doesn’t go with tough, but I decided that it could go together. After a while when I was about to set the alarm clock on my “dumb phone” (the older generation without the internet and all the apps) I realized that my real phone was next to it. We had had a deal that on Sunday night I would give it to her. I took the phone to check out my face. I had her fingers printed in red. A fleeting thought of hurt and sadness and wanting her to hug me came, but I told myself “you don’t need her”. Which made me even sadder. But then I remembered that by not giving her my phone I am breaking a rule which gave me a weird satisfaction. I almost wanted her to spank me so she can now see that I will not cry anymore.

She’ll see how tough I can get.

Dear friends,

July 21, 2021January 3, 2022 by annaffd, posted in Uncategorized

(not a story)

I am writing this because I was starting to think about telling it all to someone in my real life and I know I would regret it. I said it once in a kind of therapy session and regretted it deeply because not only was she not able to help with anything, but now there is somebody with the power to out me and possibly ruin my life. I needed to share this with people who would know what I am taking about, at least a little bit. And if you could write your thoughts, experiences… I would really appreciate it…

I’ve spend 3 days fantasizing about discipline and spankings. Most of the fantasies were about a doctor I’ve recently visited. She is married and probably as strait and as vanilla as they can be, but I thought: what’s the harm in imagining stories in my head. It wasn’t even a physical turn on (my imagination can’t take me far down that path) I just loved spending time in the fantasy world. I must have spent more than 12 hours over the past 3 days imagining different scenarios… also some more time reading stories, writing, watching porn and YouTube videos about spanking. I somehow started to believe that I might actually find a woman similar to one in my fantasies. I thought about my body and how I could better take care of it to be prepared for that encounter, from saving for laser epilation to healthier eating and so on. I was energized. I felt hopeful.

After 2 good days of being in my own world, I watched Keenan’s series of YouTube videos about scenes from movies. I felt sick watching most of them. Too harsh, cruel, sadistic – for my taste, and none FF. She also talked about how she liked bruising and my mind went to all the videos I see when I try to find lesbian spanking porn. The scenes that look horrifying and utterly unloving to me – women with dark welts, deeply bruised bottoms, and other worse things like gagged, tied, humiliated… I used to think that people making the videos weren’t making them for spanking fetishists but for those with more SM tastes. But listening to Keenan I’ve realized that maybe most spankos would like watching that ( I mean apart from horrible acting and stupid dialog…I meant the spanking part of it and the use of implements I would find sadistic). And I felt I didn’t even fit in this world either. I was starting to wonder if I am a real spanko…

As you can probably tell from my stories, it’s the discipline, the scolding, the taking care of the bottom/brat that matters the most to me. One of Keenan’s guests, princess Kelly talked about the fantasy of being “saved” by someone and how many spanko’s get into trouble just so they can deserve a spanking. And really most my stories and fantasies are like that. In them I do things that I wouldn’t do at this age: like take drugs or do some dangerous things. Sometimes when I am trying to think of a plot for my fantasy, I ask myself: What would I actually do in real life if I was in a relationship? I believe I would be just too happy and wouldn’t even need to continue with many of the unhealthy habits like binge watching or overeating and sleeping too much, not tidying and cleaning the apartment. And I don’t think I would dare be bratty (like jealous or needy) or do anything that could jeopardize the relationship if I ever were in a relationship with a woman of my fantasies.

On top of it all, I’ve been reminded that being homoromantic spanko is even worse. I have the impression that there are many men who’d enjoy that kind of a relationship, even if they themselves were not only spanking, but sexually oriented. I think it is still a part of the culture that man like to be the boss of their wife – or maybe it’s only the traditional country I live in that makes me think so. Anyhow, I couldn’t stand a man trying to dominate me in any way, and I’d better not write about what I’d do to one if he tried to hit me.

Still for the lack of better scenes I re-watched the spanking scene in Outlander a couple of times, and seeing Claire’s bottom fascinated me more than Jamie’s face at the end of scene (when he is enjoying it) irritated me. Well, irritated is an understatement. I wanted to kick him in the head every time I watched the sadistic joy the actor so wonderfully portrayed.

After watching it a couple of times, I just longed seeing Claire so much that I started to binge watch the show, just so that I could see her bottom, her skin, … and then I got pulled in deeper and started enjoying the toughness and brilliance of the character, the looks she gives, how capable she is… But, as I was watching it, I started coming out of the fantasy mode of the past 3 days realizing I will never be with a Claire, let alone have a light domestic discipline relationship with somebody like her.

It feels like my life will never be whole. Like I will forever have to be just a part of myself. I am 35, and 5’10” and I don’t see how I could be a bottom now… I didn’t see it even when I was 25 but I had hopes. Moreover, I am getting visibly older by the day… I guess hormones are starting to mess with everything and I think I look at least 5 years older than last year, and I am gaining weight and the greys in the hair are appearing…

I have never been in any kind of relationship, and I feel like I never will and that I just have to accept it and figure out my life without love, without true intimacy and closeness.

It’s just that without it even if I focused all my effort on career or writing of making money or friendships (if they can be called friendships because they will never know half of me)… or spirituality… it doesn’t feel like it would mean a lot. I am quite good at blocking out this part of myself for at least 20 days a month. But even when I am not thinking about it, there is always something missing in my life.

Have any of you experienced anything similar… thought something completely opposite….? Please if you have any thoughts, anything you might be willing to share from your life, I would appreciate it very much.

Robin 7

March 2, 2021May 7, 2023 by annaffd, posted in Robin

(2019, long before COVID – I have a couple of old posts that I hadn’t gotten to before)

I had classes until late in the evening and then went to her place afterwards. I was extremely sleepy and I kept imagining the promised cuddling and falling asleep in her arms. I hoped that she had forgiven me for not revealing all the details of my health problems. Although I suspected that on top of lying to her, there was also the fact that Selena, not somebody else, but my long loved Selena, knew something that I hadn’t told her. I had hoped that she would mention it, so I can explain that Selena knew because she didn’t give a rats arse about it. Well, I was planning to phrase it differently.

She was reading some research papers at the kitchen table and had a half-empty glass of beets, apples and carrots juice in front of her. The full one was awaiting for me.

She patiently let me take a shower and change into PJs. I sensed by the way she greeted me that we wouldn’t go straight for the cuddling. I took my time getting ready. As I was entering the kitchen she checked her watch. I knew that wasn’t a good sign.

I kissed her for the juice. She had a very mysterious look for someone in the middle of reading a research paper. I drank the juice, but then I just couldn’t keep quiet any more.

-Honey, I am sorry I didn’t tell you… I was afraid that you would worry and that you would come, and then I would be disgusting, forever. I mean, I know you are doctor and you see all kinds of stuff, but you don’t sleep with those people… So… if I became disgusting, you wouldn’t be able to love me. I don’t even notice when you get your periods. You are perfect! – She grew sadder as my speech progressed. – I am sorry…. – I was glad that she didn’t say that she wouldn’t be disgusted because it would have felt like a lie. But, she wasn’t saying anything. Anything at all, just looking at me like she is seeing something deep inside me. I wasn’t sure she liked what she was looking at…

-Sonia… – she finally spoke – whatever I say won’t seem real to you because of your inexperience in relationships, so we will just have to live through it. And …

– No! I could never let you…

– Sonia! – That sent chills down my spine: maaan, she didn’t like to be interrupted! – You told me that you had imagined that a relationship like this is just a blog-fairy tale, right?

-Yes..

– And, yet, here we are. We both have to let each other in. I am not perfect, and it scares me that you think I am. For example, you don’t seem to realize that I am deep in perimenopause… and my periods aren’t what they used to be and they are far between. That’s why you don’t notice them. – I hadn’t even thought about it. Although she was Selena’s age, and I knew that Selena had lost her period a year ago, I hadn’t connected the dots. But it didn’t matter. My heart was screaming that Robin is perfect just as she is. – Both you and I know what happens when you idealize someone – she continued – and I could also wonder if you love me or you are just in love with something you projected onto me.

– I love YOU! –

– Babe… both of us know that it can feel like that.

– I doooo looove youu – I didn’t know how to explain to her that I am not idealizing her, that I truly see her… and that she IS perfect to me! I see her wrinkles and I adore each and every one of them, they are sexy to me, and make her seem wise and powerful. I love her hands… I love everything about her body… I see that she cares a lot about being right, I see that she reads up on all new research because she couldn’t stand not knowing something…. I heard her speak French with a thick accent and it sounded a bit funny… I don’t like that she sometimes keeps deep emotions hidden, but I believe with time it could change and I also love the hurting part of her… And she isn’t into spirituality as much as I am, but I love that because maybe… I might, some day, be able to offer something to her instead of just receiving… that is if I apply the spiritual stuff in my life and not just have the concepts…. and really she is so much better in the practical, down to earth stuff, that maybe I’ll get more grounded… So, she is perfect even there… But how do I explain all of this and so much more without it sounding that is just about those things I mention…?

– Sweetheart.. – she stood up and took my face in her hands.- I know. And I love you, too. And I accept you, you who you are, completely. – she wiped a tear from my cheek, and I could see that she was getting teary, too. Then, she sighed. – And you will just have to experience it because I will not let you go through that hell alone next month. – With that she hugged me and I wrapped my arms around her and I felt truly accepted and loved, but then a thought came to my mind: What if she just said it? Isn’t it too early for normal people to say that they love someone? I said it, but I am not a normal person… Doesn’t it usually take much longer? Was she lying to me? I wanted it to be truth. Yes, she wouldn’t be holding me like this and talking to me like this if she didn’t love me…

When her perfume got into my head and I started gently kissing her, she gently pushed me away.

– Sweetie, you know what I think about consistency, and we agreed, that you are getting a spanking tonight. Then, we can get a fresh start on honesty, and the cuddling I also promised.

-No!!! – I whined as I tried to hug her again, but she just patted me on the butt.

– Come on, honey, let’s go upstairs.

-But, I don’t want to! – I lifted up my head wanting to plead with my puppy eyes. My move made her smile a little. She cupped my cheek with her right hand ever so slightly, and the strictness in her voice was at the same time so kind:

– I am not crazy about it either – she sighed – but you deserved a big punishment for not cleaning the slate yourself by admitting. – she put her hand on my shoulder as if to softly push me toward the stairs: -Come on, let’s finish it and …

-No! I won’t go, and I won’t let you go. – I wrapped my arms around her tighter in a fit of … stubborn “toddlerism” or whatever it was. She was surprised and I think she didn’t know what to do for a second. She kept hugging me, then kissed my shoulder and patted me on the butt.

-Come on, hon …

-No… – I whispered and just held her tighter. She held me gently and I could feel so much love beaming from my chest and I felt so safe, and warm, and loved. Her arms seemed like the most wonderful place on Earth. If I could have chosen what to do for the rest of my life, it would have been to stand there just like that hugging her.

About a minute later she slowly let go, but I was still holding onto her.

– Sonia, if you don’t stop this silliness right now, you will get extra punishment for it. -She said as she gently stroke my hair. – Come on, don’t make this more difficult than it is.

-I don’t want to let go of you and this moment! – I said it, and I guess some small part of me was aware even at that moment that I longed for that kind of physical closeness that we had shared a couple of minutes earlier and that I wasn’t ready to have it be over so soon, and although the other part of me was screaming my head off saying that the cuddling is coming just after the spanking, I wasn’t letting go.

Then she sighed and straightened up and it felt like she was getting tired of the “toddlerism”, but I simply stopped thinking about the consequences and logic.

-I will have to spank you right here if you don’t let go… – she finally got fed up with me. – Sonia…?!

She sighed deeply, released herself from my hug enough to pull my PJs down and started spanking, with me clinging to her side like a child.

Either because it was a bad position, or because she wanted it to hurt a lot as soon as possible, she kept hitting the same spot over and over again, and very soon it stung like hell every time her hand hit my bottom. Finally, I flung my hand to protect the spot and backed away.

-It hurts!

-I wasn’t playing with you! Upstairs!- She pointed her finger, but I didn’t move. For a second she tilted her head to the right and then she turned around, took a spatula from a drawer and started walking towards me. I finally got to my senses and wanted to turn around to run upstairs. However, my PJs were still down to my knees and almost made me fall. I grabbed onto the kitchen table, but that was enough for her to catch up with me.

She grabbed my elbow and pulled me towards herself as she practically sat on the table and started spanking. My feet were trapped in the PJs so I couldn’t kick as much as I wanted to, but nothing was stopping me from bawling: Rooobii–iiin… Ooowwww– hoooneeeeyyy- pleeease — i-i-it’s enou -ough honeyyyy… I wiiilll neever liiie agaaaiiin… oooowwww….and I – I will never be-ee stubborn… I just waa-aanted to cuddle…. Robiii-iiin… – She kept my upper body pinned to the table, and simply wasn’t losing pace. Then, for a second I thought she had stopped but it was only to hook her fingers and pull my panties down. She knew how much I hated the bare bottom spankings.- NO! no… no .. Roooobiiin – I tried to cease the moment and move, but my legs were between hers and she gave me a half a dozen of very hard smacks to keep me from moving.

-You. must. learn. what. happens. when. you. lie. – I was so surprised that I could barely catch my breath enough to give her a sobbing :

-I’ve leeearned…. I pro-miii-se… – the spatula kept stinging…

-What. will. you. do. the next time. you. feel. like. lying?

-I’ll teee–eeell the truu—th, owww….. honeyyyy…

-What. if. you. know. it. will get you. a spanking? – with this she stopped and rested her hand on my back. Only my sobbing could be heard.

-I won’t eee-ever deserve a span— king aaa–gaain…

-Oh… – she let out a small laugh – you will, sweetie…but will you try to lie to avoid it? – she patted my soooo vulnerable butt cheek and I winced.

I didn’t want to start lying right away because the pain and the emotions were too much. But if I had a chance to avoid this, how could I forsake it and tell the truth…?

-But you’re gooo-ing to spank me anyhowww… – I wasn’t being cheeky just logical. However, it was a wrong move. The spatula was back for another dozen or so smacks which felt way too hard – Robiiii-iiiin… Plee-eease…

She stopped the smacks.

-Yes, but I would spank you twice or twice as hard depending on when I find out. For example, I would be continuing with a belt right now if it was twice as hard. – I was horrified and I tried to turn around and look at her. She let me and added: – And, you’d also be grounded. – She seemed so serious and determined, there wasn’t any wavering in her expression. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. In a confused breath, I muttered incredulously:

-But,… then you’d be cruel… – I looked into her eyes and I just didn’t see it. I saw strict love, but love nonetheless, not somebody who would attack that sore butt with a belt.

-No, then I would love you enough to make sure you don’t make the same mistake again and possibly endanger your life.

-But… but… – I still couldn’t accept that she would be able to hurt me that much… I saw images of bruised bottoms, of bottoms with stripes that are the color of scabs… I looked at her again and I just couldn’t connect those horrifying images with her eyes. She was looking at me patiently, but gave me a stern prompt.

-You do have a choice: not to lie to me.

There was a struggle inside me. I couldn’t say yes to someone treating me like that because I couldn’t see that as love. She had a puzzled expression and I had a thought that maybe I really could choose not lie to her and then everything would stay the same.

-O-kaaay… – I acquiesced sobbingly and felt so vulnerable. It was a very different feeling. Until that moment, I had been convinced that I had let go of control and that she was totally in charge, but agreeing to that rule with a part of my belly still pressed against her thigh, my legs between hers, her hand holding my back, and me turned around just enough to be able to look at her and see how serious she was… … I felt exposed and absolutely in her control. It’s like… before this there was something playful in the way I saw spankings…

Anyhow, she wasn’t satisfied with my answer. She obviously saw how important this moment was.

-No, I need you to promise me and to accept the rule of getting double the punishment if you try to hide something or if you lie about breaking another rule.

-I prooo-miise and I … … – the words just wouldn’t come out. I tried to look into her eyes and I wasn’t sure what I was seeing… She was so serious…. I looked back into the table. – and I … I accept the rule.

I think a part of me also felt defeated.. There was something about agreeing to rules… and those images in my head… as I was finishing the sentence I turned around to go back into position quietly sobbing. I must have looked miserable because she pulled me up to stand in front of her. I was looking down at her hands holding mine. She said:

-Talk to me. – I just sighed. I didn’t know what to say.

She brought up one hand to lift my chin gently and make me look at her and for some reason I started crying again. It just burst out of me.

She held me until I calmed down and I managed to say the thought that I realized was the trigger of the emotions.

-If you could be cruel that would mean that you don’t love me… – I said into her shoulder.

She immediately became alarmed and held my forearms to push me away so she can look into my eyes.

-I wouldn’t be cruel. What do you even mean by cruel?

-you know those butts you see online that are bruised or with stripes or welts that are almost bleeding or like the color of scabs… – after a long silence she finally spoke:

– I can’t promise I will never give you a bruise or two. There are techniques used to prevent that from happening, but it happens. However, if you deserve a harsh spanking I will put a gel on after it, maybe even have you sit on an ice pack, but I assure you that my intention will never be to have this bottom like in those pictures.

As she was talking I felt more and more reassured and sighed deeply a couple of times. She wiped my tears away and hugged me. Then she patted, well, more like smacked my behind lightly a couple of times.

-Let’s put some gel on it right now.

I wanted to talk and to cuddle but I fell asleep before my skin fully absorbed the gel.