Robin 6

I have serious menstrual problems: first the migraine or a migraine like headache; then … well the things I don’t feel like sharing; and finally on the second or the third day it hurts like hell and there are many things happening in my stomach and body. Altogether, it gets disgusting and I have to be alone.

Robin is a doctor and I was lucky that she was away or busy the first two months, but this month it’s going to be difficult. I tried to drink as much coffee as possible in order to help my digestive system before the weekend but it wasn’t helping. I just made myself sick. I was horrified of how I am going to get out of that situation. My belly was huge, bloated, and my thighs looked bad…

I couldn’t admit and I couldn’t lie.

– Hey, honeeey… ammm- I started. She was already laughing.

– Yes, kiddow?

-ammm… I need you to promise me something…

-mhm…

– I want to tell you something but you have to promise that you will not get angry and that you will not come to see me until .. until I am ready…

-What is happening? – she sounded alarmed

-Can you please promise?

-No. I can’t because I don’t know what is happening. But I will respect your wish if I conclude that that is what’s the best for you.

-But please.. – I was getting desperate ….

-No, start talking or I am coming. – Of course, I started and told her most of the truth, leaving out couple of disgusting details and couple of details which could alarm her, as in “I sometimes faint”. There was a rather long silence when I stopped.

-Ok, I will not come if you call me regularly. But, you must schedule some doctor’s appointments, sweetheart.  – I was relieved.

– Oh, but it’s been like this for years, it’s nothing new. I mean if it had been serious, it would have evolved by now.

– Sonia, when was the last time you checked all of those things? – She was half mocking my not talking about sexual organs normally. I paused. There are just so many nasty exams connected to my problems, starting with the gynecologist appointment.

– Well,… it was… like more than a year ago…

– Sonia? – her tone was so strict that my lips started curling as if she were right in front of me with a spatula.

– Well… the gynecologist was like… a… mm.a… four years ago… and she didn’t do.. the…the thing.. cause I wasn’t … I had never… I mean the hymen was…. I asked her not to…

– So, never!? – she seemed deeply shocked. After a long pause she continued. – And I assume it’s the same for the rest of it?

– Well, kind of.. I mean, I had the ultra sound of the uterus and the belly…and… well, that’s about it. – She sighed deeply.

-OK, sweetie, I will ask a friend of mine to schedule an app-

-NO! – I interrupted her, horrified. – No, Robin, not your friends. Your friends cannot be my doctors.

-Ok, … if you wouldn’t feel comfortable… But, schedule the appointments right now and we’ll talk about this more when you’re period free. Understood?

-Yes…

– And we will have a special chat for the “more than one year” and for the fact that you lied to me last month.

-…OK… – I accepted my faith and after a pause she continued in a different tone of voice.

-And you were a virgin when you were 26? Not even penetrating masturbation? No, no, we’ll talk about that in person. – She stopped herself from being curious although I didn’t mind talking about it. As the matter of fact I wanted to talk about it.

***

I lied to her some more during that weekend, but I think she didn’t realize it.

***

We saw each other on Wednesday. I couldn’t wait to put my arms around her. We kissed so long and passionately. I started lifting her shirt while at the same time kissing her neck just below her ear when she stopped me. Her eyes were so soft but a little bit strict, and she was almost smiling. I love that expression on her face. I know I am in a bit of a trouble but I can feel her love.

– We have some unfinished business, but you can continue that afterwards. –  My hand automatically reached for my bottom. I looked up at her with a begging look.

– Do we have to? I didn’t really lie. It was … – but then her expression changed. It became more irritated and I started getting scared.

– No, don’t even go there. Manipulating the truth to sound like a lie is a lie. Don’t ever… – she grabbed my chin to make me look at her – don’t ever do that again.

– I won’t. – I squeak-whispered.

-Very well. When are you appointments? – There were no appointments. I had been postponing making them, and in my country the procedure is a bit different than in the USA or UK. Well, I mean that wasn’t a real reason. I just didn’t want them.

I was just looking at my socks instead of answering.

-Sonia!? – she already sounded exasperated. – Get up and take off your pants.

-No, Robin, please, I’ll make the appointments. I am sorry. Please, please…I’ll make them in the morning… first thing … please…

– Get. up. – I wanted to but I just couldn’t move. She grabbed the spatula from the table and pushed me slightly, her hand on my lower back. Her touch was  electric. I think she barely pushed me to lie on the couch, but I did, my feet on the floor and my butt on display. I was already crying from the first couple of spanks. She stopped after about a dozen or so.

– Get. up! – As I was getting up and wiping the tears and looking for a paper tissue in the pocket, she said: – Pants and panties off. – I took a quick look at her, but there was no negotiating. I took my pants off slowly and tried to implore with my teary eyes but she just dropped the spatula on the couch and pulled my panties down scorching my behind and the thighs in the process. I felt way too exposed, but I forgot about the nakedness in a second. She started smacking my butt with her hand while holding my waist. As I was trying to move away from her, she just held tighter.  Then she sat and pulled me down.

– Please, Robiiiiin, no more… … please…

– You will never lie to me again and  you will not disobey like that. Ever! – with that she started again. She was damn scary.

-Please Robin, I got it. I won’t ever …aaaaaaaaaaowi – the spatula was back on – aaaaaaaaaaaou – I started kicking and bawling …- She paused.

– Sonia, stop kicking. If you kick you will just get extra on the thighs, honey. – I couldn’t believe how much love fit at the very end of that horrible sentence. I felt like she didn’t want to be doing it but she had to.

-But, honey, pleeeeeeeeeeease it’s enough…. pleeease…

-No, we don’t want to be back here tomorrow- and she slammed that spatula on my butt. Inevitably I kicked and the thighs were next.

-It huuuuuuuuuuurts so baaaaaaaaaad… Roo-ooo-biiiin!

-Stop the bawling!

-But hoooneeey… it huuuurts!

– And .how. much. do you think. it would. hurt. if something. happened. to. you? – I finally got it. It’s not about the lying. It’s about her not wanting me to die! She does love me!

-I am sooo-oryyyy…

– You should be. – She said coldly as she continued smacking my behind.

– Pleeeeaase … – She finally dropped the spatula and set her hand on my burning bottom.

– Remember this tomorrow. You must make those appointments and I’ll arrange for you to have your blood drawn next Friday, so you should stop taking the iron supplements now.

– Noooo-oooooooo, please… – I don’t know why I said it, I just felt so scared of needles and the whole situation. And the image of her sticking that needle into my vein felt like more spanking. No, much worse actually! Although I knew that it wouldn’t be her doing it but… I don’t know why I said it.

– Excuse me? – I panicked and tried to correct my mistake as quickly as possible.

-Iamsorry, I am sorry.I didn’t mean that! Ididn’t ! – but it was too late, her hand began dancing on my sit spots.

-Aaaaaaaaahhhh I didn’t want to say… aaaauuu Roooobiiin

– You obviously still don’t know how this works. – she didn’t spank long after that but I was a blubbering mess.

I didn’t get up from her lap for a couple of minutes after she stopped. Finally, she gently pulled me up and I nestled my head against her chest hugging her waist.

***

I made the appointment with my doctor the next day, of course, and then she scheduled the other appointments, but the first one was about 3 weeks away. I was just hoping that she couldn’t organize the blood drawing at her hospital and that I would have to wait for the proper channels.

***

The following Thursday evening, there was, however, another stressful event: dinner with Selena.

I was kind of avoiding her after Robin had started spanking me. I thought that she would somehow know what was going on and that she would realize that not so long ago I wanted that from her. I would have to be especially good that evening in order not to provoke a stern look or something worse.

 Selena and I were the first to arrive. She seemed so happy to see me. Like she has … maybe never been… and despite being happy with Robin I found out that I still have a soft spot for her. Not that I would ever change Robin for her, but just being attuned to her needs and moods after so many years of careful listening and observing, I could feel that she was faking her happiness in general and it made me sad. She kept touching my hand as she talked which didn’t mean anything in a sexual way, because she is 100% hetero, but it meant closeness. Well, I have always interpreted it as closeness and those moments were so rare that they used to be precious. And I felt like hugging her ,which I did. And her stiffness with a pat on the back awoke me to the reality and reminded me of the lack of true closeness between us, just as Robin was approaching the table.

She wasn’t too cheerful. I thought it was because of what she saw and I wanted to explain but she practically ignored me. I got a fleeting kiss, while she and Selena had a hug. And when she sat down I got an extremely stern look. As I was grabbing the cocktail in front of me, simply wanting to do something, she raised her eyebrows and became sterner.

– Honey, – she so forced the “honey” part – you are having your blood work done in less than 14 hours, I don’t think you should be drinking.

My heart sank: it will be tomorrow.

– Oh, yes, I…I forgot. – I put the glass down and my hands in my lap. Selena looked at us in such a strange way that I think my face was red within a second. Luckily, Robin didn’t even blink and she proceeded to explain to Selena how irresponsible I had been, and Selena just added wood to the fire by naming more of my bad habits concerning health. And then she mentioned that Robin should look into the collapsing as well. She continued talking but at that moment I could almost feel how stiff Robin’s body became. She didn’t even look at me, she just took a long slow deep breath and her lips kind of thinned out a little, for a second. Then, some guy approached us, and at first they were all talking together, but then Selena started explaining something to him – I wasn’t listening. I was actively dreading the first look Robin was going to give me. I had a flash back to Wednesday and I was truly scared of that look. And then it happened. She turned around slowly towards me, I became so scared that I could cry and pee right away. But I just bowed my head to hide my teary eyes and quivering lips at least a little bit.

I squealed quietly “I am sorry. I’m scared of needles.”

-I know that, Sonia. But I thought that you had enough the other day.

-Yes, and if I had told you, you would have… – I whispered in her ear-  spanked me even more…. – my God, her hair smelled nice. She drew her head back and looked into my eyes.

-Yes, I would have. – she said as if she had realized that my move was logical. – However, from now on, you will learn that the longer you wait, the worse it gets. – my eyes widened and my right hand went straight for my butt. – Oh, yes. – she added and then she slowly took the betraying hand and held it in her hand. – But, we will leave that for tomorrow evening. You need to be well rested for the morning. – with that she smiled in a weird, mischievous-strict way and put her arm around my shoulder.

We left soon after. She was quiet and I felt that she was angry, but I didn’t dare say or ask anything. In the morning I didn’t feel like getting up. I turned off the alarm and tried to continue when she entered the room. All dressed for work and beautiful. For a split second I forgot about everything and my heart was filled with such amazing joy. She was there, all perfect, looking at me. I jumped out of bed to brush my teeth and shower so I can persuade her to get out of those clothes for a short while.

However, when I was done she just announced as if she were reading my mind.

-We don’t have time for that, love. And I wish we had. – she added as she was cupping my butt with her hand.

-Can I have a hug? – I pleaded.

-Of course, baby. – she said as she was spreading her arms. She held me patiently and until I let go with a sigh.  But she kept her hands on my shoulders.

-Sweetie, I know you are afraid of needles and I know this isn’t easy for you, so do you want me to do it or …

-No! – I didn’t let her finish the sentence, but she didn’t mind.

-OK, hon, but if you change your mind, tell me.

****

When we got into the lab I felt like escaping it. My heart pumping like crazy. I wanted to change my focus, but even Robin laughing with the phlebotomist woman didn’t help. I couldn’t wait for Robin to leave. It was all scary and embarrassing at the same time. But then, she sat next to me.

– Aren’t you going to leave? – I asked, surprised look on my face.

– No, hon, because you have to calm down. Come on, breathe.

– Do I have to do this?

– Baby, breathe. – and she started breathing, the 4-7-8 technique. I was about to cry when I started but after the third round I felt calmer. As the phlebotomist woman was putting the rubber thingy on my upper arm, Robin whispered very quietly on my ear that I was going to get a long cuddle time when we came home.

-Ready? – the woman asked. And she stuck that needle in my vein without waiting for my response. Robin whispered, count down from 30. And as I looked into her eyes, I was bathed with her love and smiled in spite of the needle and the fear. I could look into her eyes forever. I felt alive and I felt happy…

…and I couldn’t believe that 30 seconds still weren’t over!!! It felt like eternity!

***

When we went to the cafeteria, I felt I was with a celebrity. And Robin seemed even more powerful than usual. I wanted so much to become more than I was, to be worthy of her.

Robin 5

Robin was driving. I know how in the USA that is the most common thing in the world and that 16 year old kids drive. But, in my country you have to be 18 to start with classes and pass the exam, and you need two average monthly salaries to pay for it, and by the time those conditions are fulfilled, some of the responsibility and fears arrive, and on top of everything, using a car is not a cheap experience. So, maybe because of the stick shift, which is still largely predominant, and maybe also because of the poverty: more than half of the population don’t own a car… Or, maybe because I couldn’t drive… Anyhow… seeing a woman driving was always something powerful for me, and sitting next to my loved one while she was managing the traffic jam in the trickiest roundabout of the capital made me feel like I am sitting next to a Goddess. I loved seeing her focused and calm at the same time.

We were going to a kind of a party at her friend’s house. She was gorgeous. The shirt made her breasts look perfect. Her hair on her shoulders, light, silky. She was wearing a watch that made her look elegant and powerful at the same time. I looked at her wrists and hands and had an instant shiver of excitement and love throughout my whole body.

“What’s up?” she asked without looking at me. I was shocked that she had noticed that slight a tension in me. It was amazing! I wished I could read her thoughts in the same way.

“Nothing” I laughed ” I just looked at your hands… and…”

“… and you were looking forward to tonight?!” she asked teasingly and quickly glanced at me; and after stopping at the traffic light, she, not so gently, patted my thigh and then squeezed it, again, not too gently.

“Robin!!” I was still laughing, but I was getting turned on. The next second her hand was on the stick-shift and her focus on the traffic.

As always when I feel joy, I remembered why I shouldn’t be so joyful. There was this paper I was writing.. well, I was supposed to be writing. I mean the requirements were ridiculous. I was supposed to find one thing I don’t agree within an academic paper about a piece of literature. I mean, how was I supposed to disagree with somebody who had read that piece ten thousand times and analyzed every freakin’ sentence in it and the meaning of every word?! And then, I will find something wrong with it! Right! Like that’s going to happen! I felt like it was an impossible task and the deadline was just a couple of days away. I had been putting it off for a whole month. And yes, all you tops, self-disciplined people out there, I knoooooowww… I could have at least tried… and I could have read at least ten papers…. but… I just didn’t think it was possible for me to do it well… so I wasn’t exactly looking forward to wasting my time to fail…

“Love, do you have any obligations this weekend?”, my Goddess asked and I sank deep, wishing I could smash my elbow through the window to punish myself for leaving the paper for the last moment… that is … the weekend.

“am… not much… I have something to write, but I could probably finish it before the weekend, and then just polish it up on Sunday evening.” yeah, right.. like hell I could finish it… if I find what I disagree with by Sunday evening I should be happy. “Why?” I tried to sound relaxed, but I guess my excitement was clouded by self-hatred and the burden of the paper awaiting me….

“What are you working on?” Yes, of course she answered my question with a question. Of course, I couldn’t hide it.

“Some paper…it’s so stupid and irritating. I mean, how am I supposed to disagree with experts!?” oooops… I let off more steam then I had planned.

“What do you mean ‘disagree with experts’?!” I sighed and explained what the requirements were. I tried not to show how much I didn’t believe in myself and … well, why not be honest with you,… how much I didn’t feel like putting in that much effort… But, my Goddess isn’t easily tricked, so she gave the conclusion to my expose:

“and you think you can’t do it, so you haven’t even started?”

“Well, I have started… I mean, I read the story, and it’s like 80 pages…. and I downloaded the academic papers… and I… read about 10 of them” Yes, you’re guessing right, I didn’t even finish reading the second paper, but you know how it is when you have to show that you did try your best.

“Oh, so what where they claiming?” She said as she was turning off the engine.

“Well, one was claiming that the character changed before he died and that the love he felt made his dying easier….and the other one…” (wooooooooow, what a rookie mistake) “ones…” (I corrected myself quickly but my voice completely betrayed me) “I can’t remember … I read them like two weeks ago…”

“ahm….” She didn’t speak. She was just looking at me with her left eyebrow slightly raised and her stare piercing and ominous.

“But, Robiiiin,” (yes, I was whining already) “I didn’t find anything I disagree with!!!”

“First of all,” her tone was ice cold, “was it the other one, or ones; and be very careful when you answer.”

My heart was beating like crazy. Whyyyy did I lie? Why am I so stupid?!

“…one” … I barely pronounced my voice already quivering… “I am sorry…”

“Why did you lie? Because you wanted to pretend that you did everything you could, but the paper is too difficult for you? You wanted to convince me that you can’t do it?”

“Well, I couldn’t find…”

“Stop that this instant! When did you read the story?”

“About a month ago.”

“And you read the papers about two weeks ago?”

“well,… yes….but”

“You knew what should have been the first step?”

“Yes, rereading the story… But I didn’t know which one to choose…”

“I will slap you right here if you don’t stop with those lame excuses.” She snapped holding her hand ready in case I try to speak. She seemed angry and even a little distant. It was scaring me. Not in the way that a spanking scares me, in a more horrifying way. She put both of her hands back on the steering wheel. And for some reason, that move made me feel like Selena used to make me feel: like my struggle doesn’t matter, like I am worth less because of it. And instead of saying what I felt, what I was scared of, or instead of letting myself feel the pain of what I perceived as rejection, I somehow, got angry.

“Well, I am not perfect, ok, I am lazy, I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t feel like doing it! I am lazy, there…” She was slowly turning her head and body toward me, in disbelief, but I wasn’t stopping. “I knew that if I read enough papers I would find two writers who disagree on something …” I blurted it out, but I hadn’t thought about it before. Suddenly, the problem seemed half solved, I would just pit one expert against another. It didn’t seem impossible anymore! I was relieved for a split second. But when I took a good look at her, I realized that she had a strange expression on her face. I read it as anger, disappointment and distance. Instead of retreating, I pushed on. Don’t ask me why, because I have no idea why I did it. I continued as if I was arguing with her: “What?! That would have been just a starting point. I would have thought about it myself… I just… before I got this idea it felt insurmountable… and I couldn’t push myself to do it.”

There was silence and for a second I felt tempted to continue talking in order to fill it, in order for her disappointment to stop being so loud. However, the pause gave me time to think, and to feel. I felt panic spreading through my body and tears rising from my stomach… and terror growing in my head:

“I am sorry I spoke like that… I will never talk like that to you again…” I touched her elbow in some pathetic attempt to try to get to her hand. And then I retreated because she wasn’t reacting.”I am sorry… Robin?”

She glanced at her watch. My God how much I love that elegant wrist with that watch on it. I wanted her to touch me, even to slap me, but just to touch me with that hand. I wanted connection, of any kind.

“I am dropping you off home.” She said as she was starting the car.

 “No, Robin, please, I am sorry… “

 Selena wouldn’t have allowed me talking to her like that, she wouldn’t have called me or answered my calls for days or maybe even weeks without even admitting that she was angry. Actually, I wouldn’t have talked to her like that in the first place, because the punishment was so cruel that I monitored my every move and every word and swallowed every negative emotion. This realization shocked me. I treated Selena better than I treat Robin!? What the f… is wrong with me!? Robin who was nothing but perfect, gentle, patient, accepting… How could have I been such an idiot?! I couldn’t stop thinking about my behavior and wishing I could turn back the time.

“I am sorry,” I repeated after couple of minutes. “I will never do it again… I am sorry”…  I wasn’t whining, this was so much deeper. I was on the verge of accepting that the dreaded moment had come and that she saw me for who I was- a narcissistic, spoiled, lazy, self-centered, stupid idiot. I was sorry more than I could express and I just kept thinking how she didn’t deserve me talking to her like that. I couldn’t wait to get home and disappear. I hated masters degree, I hated the paper, but most of all I hated not being able to change. I just wanted to lie in bed and fall asleep, and hopefully never face the emptiness of my world again. I wondered if maybe I could find somebody who is into drugs and like …. take something really bad! I really just wanted to die.

When she stopped in front of my building, I couldn’t believe that was the end.  She didn’t even bother to park, just like Selena. I had experience with this, I thought, just leave quickly, because you have become a bother, a nuisance.

She looked at her watch again, and I went for the door and at the same time I said.

“I am sorry, Robin, … I really am…” She sighed.

“I know, honey.” I couldn’t believe my luck! Honey!!! Honey!!! Did she say ‘honey’??! That is the most beautiful word in the world!!! She sounded understanding, and like I was hers. Like I sill was hers.

“We are not breaking up!????” I closed the door and eagerly looked at her.

She tilted her head and looked at me incredulously.

“Oh, silly…” – she almost smiled, but there certainly was a smile in her eyes and that was enough for me. “No, of course not, but the punishment will be severe.”

Some guy stopped behind us. My street is one-way, narrow street.

“You will read the story and the other 8 papers, and we’ll talk more tonight.”

“Thank you!!!!” I hugged her and she slapped my butt twice with all her strength. Well, it felt like that.

“Ouch… I love you so much! Thank you!!!” I quickly left because the guy had started to honk.

***

Now, when I have written this text, I will do as I was told. You understand that I had to write this first, right? 😀

***

At first, I had trouble focusing on the text. I felt like squealing from joy because she loved me! She loved me!! And I would see her soon and everything was perfect and whether or not I did the paper …well whether or not I did it right, didn’t matter. I wouldn’t care even if I got a C. I had her in my life!

Finally, the story pulled me in and I read. When the character was thinking about his dying, I would think how great it is that I am not as depressed as a couple of months ago. I found hidden meanings in the text, saw things I hadn’t noticed before. And I got a little bit more confident.

Robin told me about building self-confidence through action, but it hadn’t truly made sense until that moment. I also realized that I had that idea about pitting two experts against each other because I finally let myself think about the paper, and stopped running away from it.

I found the paper I had started reading two weeks ago, and after just a couple of pages I found something I didn’t agree with! I felt a jolt of energy and joy! But then, when I continued reading the author’s explanation, his point started to make sense, and I doubted my opinion, because his seemed much more convincing and I started to spiral down. I opened a third paper, when, suddenly, a message on the phone beeped and it was Her!!!

“Honey, how’s it going?”

“Not too bad! I found something I disagree with!!!” and then I put in a bunch of happy emojis and hearts. Then, I sent another message: “I am sooooooo sooooo sorry for today! I am soooooooo sooo sorry!!!” and then some sad and crying faces.

“Good. Then, write, while it is still easy for you to sit on that bottom of yours.”

I knew that that was supposed to scare me, but I was excited about the prospect of seeing her again after the argument… I mean, after my … reaction… whatever….

“I will. I promise, but aren’t you coming over? 🙂 “

“No. I’ll pick you up tomorrow evening”.

I was disappointed, but determined to finish the paper by tomorrow morning. And then maybe even get some other things done, so I can be wide open for the weekend.

Nevertheless, the fact that she wrote instead of calling, bothered me. Was that a part of punishment; or was she still angry and did not want to hear my voice because it would be irritating; or was it because she felt that a phone call would somehow distract me more than a message?

“OK. And if I finish the whole paper by tomorrow, will there be… the weekend?” A pleading emoji was trying to convey my emotions, but what I really wanted was to call her.

“If you don’t continue working on your paper, and you let your thoughts wander, I will come, and you will be very sorry.”

She knew what I needed to send me back to that joyful and productive space! And I was on!!!!!

***

Although I didn’t finish until late afternoon next day, I was working on good vibes: imagining how I will hug her and hold her. I had fears about her being distant, but I hoped for the best.

***

When the car stopped, I hurried in and I hugged her tightly, but she just kissed my hair and patted me on the back.

“You are cheerful…” I could feel that she was suppressing a smile, maybe even a laugh. I realized that I must seem completely silly to her, but somehow I felt that maybe she doesn’t mind it. I actually hoped that she liked it. I felt like my heart was out in the open, and all hers.

***

“Since you seem to have forgotten what happened yesterday, I believe you need a reminder first.” she said as we were walking to her front door.

When we entered her house, there was silence. I turned toward her and was about to wrap my arms around her shoulders when she caught me by the wrists.

“No, honey. Not until we have finished with the punishment.”

“But, I missed you.”

“We would have spent the night together if you hadn’t thrown that tantrum in the car and if you had worked on the paper on time. So, you ruined my night as well.” she said.

“I am sorry, …. ” I felt sad and guilty, but I was so thankful that she was there and that she was nothing like Selena. So thankful that she cared enough to spank me for not doing the paper on time and that her solution for that mouthing off, was spanking and not breaking up.

Robin walked to the kitchen and took a wooden spoon. Her heels were making ominous sound on the tiles.

Well, it is usually sexy, but at that moment it was scary. The whole house was so silent, except for the heels. The seriousness of the situation was beginning to dawn on me.

“Come here and take off your jeans.” I did as she said, and quickly. “Lean over the counter”.

“Over the counter?!” I wanted her to hold me, this was too official. It was like those cruel punishments by people who hate the one they are punishing. Like, you know, the head masters or nuns in those schools from the last century. But I remembered, I really was guilty… I remembered how I had talked to her and, also, she convinced me with a couple of really hard smacks. “o…ookaa..y”

The smacks started raining all over my butt and thighs. After about 20 or so, I couldn’t stand still any more, so I tried to turn around when she delivered couple of really hard ones which made me cry out. She slowed down, but still continued for a while although I was bawling.

Then she took my forearm and led me all the way to a corner in her bedroom. She gave me a box of tissues and looked at me calmly and with a very serious expression.

“You will stand here and think about everything you will do differently the next time.” I nodded, still sobbing.

As she was taking off her clothes before the shower and as the burn all over my behind and thighs was slightly calming down I felt tempted to catch her reflection in the mirror. I had barely moved my head half an inch when she added.

“And if you move, love, I won’t spank you over the knee.”

I practiced self-control and I didn’t move, but standing was really difficult for me. I don’t know if you have that problem, but when I have to stand still I start feeling light headed, and like blood is leaving my cheeks, and the more I stand the more I feel like I am about to collapse. I tried not to think about the standing and to focus on what I would do differently if I got into the same situation.

It was easy to think when I was looking at it from outside. If I felt doubt and helplessness, I would take action toward the goal, even if it was a very small move. If I still felt helpless and like the situation is overwhelming, I would calmly explain the situation and ask her for advice, and support, and help before wasting days in procrastination, self hatred, and all those bad feelings… Wow!!! I realized that now I had her to ask for help! I had that brilliant and patient woman to ask for help! She probably wouldn’t judge and dismiss my problems.

For a couple of minutes I thought about my good luck, but then I started yawning, due to the lack of oxygen in my head or something like that. And I know that when I start yawning it means things are about to get worse, fast, unless I sit down. I could hear the water running in the shower, and I was getting progressively sleepier and weaker. The sleepiness reminded me how my biggest problem is procrastination and laziness even when I know I can do something, even when it is easy… although, maybe there is something behind it…. but it was getting difficult to focus. The weird sweating-like feeling around the spine began and I started feeling nauseous. There was no choice, I had to sit on the floor. I sat, but I didn’t do it soon enough. The nausea was rising and even though I held my head between my knees the horrible sleepy feeling wasn’t stopping. I started feeling like I was dizzy in a bus ride. I lay down and after a minute or so of admiring her beautiful, soft and clean carpet, and thinking how she doesn’t have anything under her bed, everything went back to normal, except that I felt weak and like I needed a lot of water and something sweet.

Water!!! I couldn’t hear the water anymore!!! I quickly stood up, but then everything went black for a second and I had to squat back down. Damn anemia or whatever it is! I had to sit down again. I can’t tell her about it because she will make me have my blood drawn and who knows what…

“Love, are you feeling ok?” She was already behind me. I froze. Her hand under my chin, she gently made me look at her. My soul welcomed that gentle touch. “You are really pale.” She knelt on the floor next to me. I wanted to hug her, but then I saw the worried expression, which for some reason looked strict. How much did she see??? Did she see me lying down? How much do I have to say? She took my wrist to check the pulse.

“Yes, I am just really thirsty… horribly thirsty… I am sorry.”

“Shhh, hon.” She looked very focused on the pulse and her watch. I felt such love for her. She was so grown up, so powerful… My pulse is usually incredibly low in these situations, but the adrenaline of getting caught and of her holding my hand must have gotten it back to normal, because my pulse was 62 beats per minute. “I’ll get you the water, babe. You don’t even look that pale anymore…” I must have confused her.

She came back with the water and the stethoscope and patted a place on the bed for me to sit.

“Take off the shirt, hon” she said, while she was adjusting the stethoscope. Something about medical examination, and especially that she was doing it, felt scary.

“I just felt dizzy because I got up too quickly. It happens to everyone.”

She wasn’t about to argue with me or to ask why I was down in the first place. She had the no-nonsense look, took my water put it on the bedside table and simply took my shirt off herself. It felt as if I were a small kid, which made me feel strange: comforted, and scared, and relieved all at the same time. I was about to say that I am really fine.

“Shush! … Breathe!” I didn’t even realize that I had stopped breathing. “Everything seems fine. But, what were you feeling?”

I reached for the water in order not to look at her. “I was just really thirsty and sleepy. I hadn’t drunk anything for hours (I was lying, I would die if I didn’t drink water for such a long time), and tonight I slept only for couple of hours.” After a long sip, I added: “I finished the paper, though!”

“mhm…. but what were your sensations? Did you feel nauseous, or light-headed, or like your heart is beating too slowly or irregularly…Or like… there was something fluttering in your chest?”

Wow, wasn’t this tricky? Both yes and no are trouble. Truth or dare….

“Well,” I was pretending I was trying to remember. “I did feel a little lightheaded. But it was more like when you are really sleepy…you know. But I am ok, I really am.” I said as I was carefully standing up. I walked to the corner. “You see,” I added facing the walls.

“Ok, then, you can come here”

I stood in front her in my bra and panties. She took my face in her hands with such an expression that I had no idea what she was going to do next. And then she checked my lower eyelids.

“You are anemic, love”

“Oh, I know. I am taking iron supplements… already.” Well, it was almost true because I did use to take them, and I was going to start again the next day, so I almost didn’t lie.

“Oh, ok, then, let me know when you finish this round so we can check the situation. Understood?”

“Yes” And in my head I added: and let’s hope you don’t have good memory! Suddenly, I took a good look at her and saw that she looked incredibly tired. I took her hand and kissed it. “I am so sorry about everything…”

“Ok, let’s go to bed now, and in the morning we will finish what we started”

She fell asleep in my arms while I was gently stroking her hair. That was the position I had been yearning for years. I didn’t need anything else in life, just her in my arms.

And, of course, I thought about Selena. How much I worried about her and how much I put my life on hold so that I can be of help to her. Why didn’t I notice earlier how tired Robin had been? Was I taking her for granted?! Was I expecting her to treat me like I treated Selena because that was my dysfunctional definition of love? How do I stay present in that relaxed state of being loved and not become selfish, self-involved….?And how do I not become too preoccupied to be present…? Because I used to that with Selena too…

I was stroking Robin’s beautiful hair and I felt so much love…if somebody was looking at us and could see the energy they would have seen a beautiful bubble of love energy! I am sure of it!

Robin 4

***Hi everyone 🙂 This is my first story with sexual context and I would appreciate any comments and critiques… ***

Robin was sleeping so peacefully. I felt such strong love for her. I loved the way her hair was spread on the pillow. She has wonderful hair and, like, double the amount of mine. I used to have wonderful hair when I was a teenager… why aren’t I a teenager, beautiful and young, then she would have something to love… Why does she love me… ? How can she…? How can I make myself worthy of her love?

– Hey, babe, what’s up? – she startled me. I felt so happy to hear her voice as if I had imagined her gone and then she came back. A smile lit up my face and hers as well.

-Silly, what had you worried? You had such a look on your face… – I felt alive with love and decided that I could treat her like a queen and try to become the best me I can be and maybe actually give her a reason to love me.

– I wanted to make you breakfast, and bring it to bed, but I couldn’t remember what would be special but healthy ….

– Some other time, maybe, but you can do something else for me…. – She smiled temptingly and I pulled the blanket off of her and started towards her neck when she stopped me.

– No, in the shower. – I loved the idea of making love in the shower but I felt so exposed there as well… My expression must have betrayed me. – You don’t want to? – She was a bit surprised.

– No, no, no… I want to! Of course I do!

-Mhmmm – She smiled and kissed me. – I’ll be ready in five minutes, OK?

-am… yeah, ok. – I was a little surprised. Our love making had been rather spontaneous on the previous 6 occasions, but my thoughts quickly led me to think about my body and I rushed to the downstairs bathroom for a quick brushing of teeth and a shower, so I can smell nicely… Must have taken too long…

She awaited for me in front of the downstairs bathroom door.

– I thought we were going to shower together. – She was strict, a little angry maybe, but maybe also tiny bit amused… I couldn’t really tell.

-um.. I am sorry… I … I … – I was already on the verge of whimpering – I just wanted to brush my teeth,…  ’cause I thought you went to do the same… – she was awaiting more… – and then… I thought I could just wash up a little bit … ’cause I felt like I… smelled… – I hated my body for not being perfect like hers. She never smelled, she was perfect…. – She stood there silently. Reflecting on something deep, I guess, because her reactions were usually quite quick. I felt like I ruined everything. I mean who would want to have sex with someone thinking about how they smelled badly… and I was getting nervous and I was worried that she would get a proof of what I was talking about…. this whole relationship thing is too tiring… you have to be perfect all the time… How can people live in the same house and be present for all the terrible, disgusting things….?

She finally looked at me seriously.

– This is something that requires a long discussion. – My hands went straight for my butt. She chuckled. – No, not like that. Well, not only like that. More of a verbal discussion. Unfortunately, we don’t have time for that right now… – I must have looked relieved because she chuckled again. – So, now, you will march that little butt of yours into the bathroom. – and she gave me a rather hard slap on the mentioned butt to prove her point.

-Robiiin – I turned around with a relieved smile and kissed her. I made it my mission to satisfy her. She had prepared us a fuming hot bath (it felt like it’s going to be too hot) and it was like a paradise in there. The candles with colored covers gave the bathroom a magical appearance, the lovely scents added to the atmosphere. I realized that while I was focused on myself, she was focused on mutual pleasure, and I kicked myself for it. I have to change.

She distracted me soon enough. She sat on the bathtub and held my hand.

– no…. but honey…. –  I hated myself for whining…  She cut me off  with one strict look. I approached her and as I was placing myself over her lap she started talking.

– I will not address what we left downstairs, nor the lies you told me in bed – I stiffened. How could she have known!? My thighs received a couple of medium slaps for that one. – Relax. This one is supposed to be a pleasure spanking.

I wanted to say that it didn’t feel like it, but I kept my mouth shut.

She started caressing my bottom. Sliding her hand from one side to another letting her fingers slightly slip between the cheeks and touching the lips of my vulva. The pleasure began to flow through my body. – However… – she continued in her role…-  you have been a little brat – she put her hand in the bathtub and gently spread the water all over my backside… – and you do deserve a spanking. – With that she started – splat – splat…  – she wasn’t putting much force in them but they stung.

-Hey… that stings!

-I know… – she caressed my skin some more and bathed it in some more water… letting her fingers stay longer between my thighs… I was lifting my bottom and trying to get more pleasure but she took something from the sink. A brush!!! I panicked and wanted to get up when I got the first of it, rather hard one.

– Owwww….

– You know the rules.

– but it’s pleasure spanking… it’s not supposed to huurt! – She gave me couple of more fast ones on the cheeks and on the thighs and then she gently moved the brush over the rosy slightly stinging cheeks. As I started to open up my legs she went for my clit with her hand leaving the ominous brush in the other. The pleasure was mounting when she started to used the brush on my cheeks again. The teasing was unbearable, I needed to cum.

– please… I started to rub myself against her thighs which earned me couple of real brush spanks.

– Stop it! – she said in a most convincing voice and continued slowly with the brush. After about a minute or so of delightful, torturing sensations her finger went back to circling the entrance to the vagina before she sank it inside.

***

Just for the record, I also  made her cum, twice that morning and everything was perfect!

Well, until the weekend.

ROBIN 3

I was looking at my butt in the mirror… I had cellulite on my thighs and on the butt… and the butt was just too big… She will be disgusted by it.
Well, I love Selena although she is slightly overweight and has cellulite… but I have never had sex with her… I wanted her as my Top, but not so much as a sexual partner… Oh, come on, who am I kidding… if she were into me, I would have been ecstatic to be with her… But, that’s different, I loved her….
But, what if Robin takes one look at me naked and tells me that she has changed her mind about me! Maybe I could call her, tell her that I am sick, and starve myself for a couple of days… start exercising… and then… maybe… oh… who am I kidding… I could never starve myself… I wish I was anorexic*..
Robin was calling me! She was downstairs! Oh, why didn’t I stop eating at least two days ago… at least my belly would have been flat…

***
A stern face awaited for me behind the wheel.
– Why weren’t you ready?
– I am sorry…
– I know. But, I asked you a question. – I knew the tone, so I decided to go with honesty.
– I got freaked out about my weight and I spent too much time contemplating how to avoid the part where you see it..my body. – her face immediately brightened up, she laughed, kissed me and started the car.
– It is unavoidable, honey.

After a couple of minutes I realized that we were not going to the restaurant.
– umm… Where are we going?
– My place. – she was cheerful, and then she added teasingly – So I can see your body. We’ll have dinner later.
– No, no, no… please… please… I am not ready…!
– Don’t panic! – I think the whole situation was amusing her –  I’ll just do something to relax you and turn your mind away from those toxic thoughts. – She gently squeezed my hand
-What? – I wasn’t sure that I liked that she was amused…
– You’ll see.

It was going to happen!! I had butterflies in my stomach and I could barely breathe. For a second I forgot about my body issues and my focus went on the spanking part. I was excited and terrified… and then I looked at my thighs and I realized that this would be the moment of truth… We will either get closer or break up today….

***
She left the keys on the counter and told me to go to the bathroom if I needed to.
I went, and I realized I was already wet! Thank god for the daily pads! I changed it and went back into the unknown.

She was sitting on the couch , and she had a wooden spatula on the coffee table.

– Come here. – she pointed to the spot in front of her. I could hear my blood pumping in my ears. I must have blushed. I could see that this is just a play. She wasn’t truly strict or angry. I was aroused and scared at the same time.
I got to the spot, her beautiful eyes locked with mine and then I remembered the cellulite, again. She started lifting the skirt but I stopped her and held her hands.
– I really have cellulite.
– Honey, everybody does. – she said with a sweetest comforting smile, and then her face changed into a toppy one. – Now, let go of my hands or I am taking the spatula. – her hands free, she lifted the skirt, rolled her eyes and with a hpmf said “cellulite” which was helpful for my self-esteem, although I wasn’t sure she really meant it. At least she wasn’t disgusted… at least… I was hoping she wasn’t…  She let my skirt fall back down, but took my forearm.
-OK, now, come here – she said as she was pulling me to her lap.
-No, no… wait, wait. –  She stopped, while still holding my forearm and waiting for me to say why she was waiting. I was incredibly nervous, despite waiting for this moment my whole life.
-Yes?
-well… nothing… I am just scared…
-Oh, you should be – she said, while suppressing a chuckle. And, then, my butt was over her lap! She held my waist to adjust the position. There were ten thousand thoughts in my head and none of them was intelligible.
 It was so wonderful, and intimate, and close, but at the same time I felt waaaay tooo exposed and I was worried I looked funny and fat and … She put her hand on my back and the other one on my thigh.
-Better?
-No!
– Ok, breathe…- She was rubbing my back, and I started  feeling so peaceful, when a thought popped into my head:
-Am I too heavy? – I said as I was trying to get up and lift my weight off of her.
In the next second she pushed me down and started spanking sooo fast! SLAP Slap-slap-slap!
– Robin! – She lifted my skirt up and continued the speedy spanking. The noise of the slaps was so strange. I wished she would scold me, like in the stories. Also, at first I thought that her hand must hurt more than my butt but then the sting started building up.
– Honey…? Robin ?? – she was not slowing down…  This time I tried to get up because it hurt, but her hand on my back wasn’t letting me budge. And the spanks became harder!! I did not expect that!
– It really hurts now!
-The next time you try to escape I am taking the spatula.
– But it hurts…
– But it’s a spanking! –  She said mockingly. However, she was slowing down and making the spanks lighter. She finally laid her hand on my burning butt.
– Is it over? – I was on the verge of crying. Not only because of the sting, which wasn’t so bad, but because of some pent up feelings I couldn’t even define,… and also because it dawned on me that I have somebody who will spank me if I make mistakes, and somebody who actually doesn’t mind the things I hate about my body! I couldn’t wait to kiss her and hug her.
– Almost. I will give you five spanks with the spatula just so you know what you’re getting yourself into if you break the rules.
– But, Robin… – I started whining…
– Are you ready, honey?
-No…. Roooobin… – I was still whining…. when she changed her tone:
-Get ready.- splat!
-OOOOOOOOOOuch! ouu…That was baA- Ad! Ooo-one ouch was enough! Robiiiin!
-It’s over now. Come – She welcomed me into a hug.
– Honey… I thought I was going to get turned on by this, but it actually hurt!
– You will get turned on when it’s a play spanking, and it will hurt a whole lot more if you disobey or break any rules. – With that she hugged me and held me like she was happy I existed. My God these feelings are so wonderful, especially after years of Selena’s indifference and coldness.

*(these are character’s thoughts, as a writer, I am aware of the horrors of anorexia…)

ROBIN 2

I spent 2 hours trying to make up my mind whether I wanted to go to a birthday party. I was invited after I had texted Happy birthday to  Selena’s friend’s husband. I was always Selena’s …what would I call it… plus one… or … puppy… you know the person who follows her around and then everybody else accepts that out of pity she will sometimes take me to parties where I don’t know anyone. And then her good friends got to know me, so me going somewhere with her became normal.  And eventually, since I am not too sociable, her friends became the only people I saw.
But, that day, I just couldn’t make myself go there… I remembered that sometimes I don’t even have anywhere to sit or anyone to talk to on that couple’s parties. And, before, when I was obsessed with Selena it was a joy to be where she is, it didn’t matter that I was the odd person out. Well, not exactly joyful… but that suffering was better than being home alone and lonely, away from Selena.
This time, however, I went into one of my decision paralyzed modes. When I have to leave the house sometimes I just can’t make myself do it, and I usually end up cancelling whatever obligation I had because I run out of time to actually get there.
I got used to keeping my shitty moods to myself. Selena does not approve of such spoiled and impolite behavior like being depressed or getting into a vicious circle of thoughts you can’t snap out of.
So, although I wanted to call Selena and see whether she’s going, I ended up not doing anything, but sitting on the bed and every once in a while realizing that I have stopped breathing and I am clenching my teeth trying to think of what to do. Selena didn’t call me either, but that was not a surprise. Nervous and in a bad mood I was trying to watch a TV show when Robin called me.
-Robiiin!
– Hey, kiddow, you’re back from the birthday?
– No, I didn’t go.
– Why?
– I… – what to tell her? The truth might scare her off or bore her… ; lie… is not a good thing, especially in the beginning of a relationship when it is equal to misrepresenting oneself …
She sighed.
– Ok, the pause is telling me that you are thinking of what to tell me…and I don’t want to hear anything but the truth. If you don’t feel like telling me, it’s ok, just please promise not to lie to me.
-uumm.. – I was so taken aback. I wasn’t sure what to make of it… Except that she is freakin’ smart! – I want to tell you, but I am scared that you might …
-… not like you anymore? – she said and chuckled.
-Yes…
– Ok, then, let’s be brave…
-Easy for you to say!
-OK, kiddow, start talking! – and so I did, as fast and as detached from my emotions as I could (and I am pretty successful at both – years of practice)
-Woow… first… you can really talk fast… second… that is an issue we can solve… I am just sorry you didn’t call me when you felt the mind freeze. I could have helped you.
– How? You’re far away…
– Well, from your story I gather that you actually wanted to go this time, so I would have threatened you with a spanking if you didn’t get ready right away. And you would have sent me selfies from the shower,… the bus, the party and so on…
– And what if I didn’t obey? – I asked with a broad smile. I’ve always wanted this!!! My whole life! And here she was in my life! The perfection!!
-Well, you would do it only once. And as I remember, I owe you a spanking from the parking lot. After that one you would obey me…
– I can’t wait for you to come back!! – I said longingly and she out right laughed.

ROBIN 1

My heart is beating like crazy. I’ve dreamed about a woman like Robin my whole life. I am still terrified that at any moment she will realize that I am not good enough for her because she is so… everything I am not. What could she possibly like about me?

I haven’t worn a dress in forever and now I am sitting next to her, make up and everything.
My best friend is across from us. Well, she is my best friend but I am not hers. Until recently she was the person I wanted to be my Top, but she is straight and not at all into it. She has been in my focus for more than 7 years and now, there is this wonderful creature next to me.

Selena is talking constantly like she always does when she is uncomfortable. She can see that there is something going on between her former high-school friend and her 18 year old younger puppy who used to follow her around and adore her. She knows I am kind of homosexual, more homo romantic, but I am not sure that she ever paid attention to me emphasizing that.

 Selena looked at me differently when she saw me all dressed up. I usually wear jeans (regular, not skinny!) and a baggy T-shirt. She hates how I dress but tonight she was impressed. Selena and I were sitting at the same cafe where I had first met Robin. And then SHE entered, majestic and nonchalant. I stood up immediately, but Selena was closer.

They casually said Hi to each other and then Robin looked at me. I think I saw lust in her eyes! It was the first time I ever saw that in woman’s eyes!

She approached me slowly. I was terrified of what would happen next. My country isn’t too LGBT aware or open. It’s not too bad, but lesbians are extremely rarely seen.

I went for a hug and got a wonderful long, long hug. I usually hug with my eyes closed but I was too nervous and opened them to see that nobody was paying attention.
While we were sitting Robin kept touching my hand, or lightly and quickly going through my hair. I hugged her couple of times when she said some nice things to me. Selena was looking at us as if we were nuts.

At the end of the evening, she had to leave early, so I went with her to her car and we kissed in the dark empty parking lot.

I almost felt aroused. I am sure she did as well. But she used her will power to stop.
– …I have to go, kiddow…  – she took my face in her hands – I am sorry… I’ll make it up to you.
The fact that she was leaving for a whole week made me incredibly sad and when I realized that she could realize her mistake in starting to date me I felt petrified.
– Hey, hey.. kiddow…what’s happening! No crying… – she was alarmed, but then in a split second she became stern…  I thought to myself  “distant Selena all over again” and I went for a hug to prove myself wrong, but she stopped me and took my face in her hands again.
-No. Talk to me. What is happening?
 – I am sorry – I sniffled.- Nothing… I am sorry for ruining everything…
– woooow… wait. You didn’t ruin anything and you won’t. You could make me late, though, if you don’t tell me why you are crying. – since I wasn’t saying anything because I felt anything I say would be wrong, she continued – because if you don’t I will have to spank you right here… and I would definitely be late then…
Her voice sounded determined, a little bit strict, but most of all she looked like she was actually planning what would be the best way to do it. I felt calm and comforted that that was her solution. Not leaving me, or becoming distant, or changing her mind about me, or ignoring my feelings … in summary none of the things Selena would do. I smiled happily.
-Now, … everything is really ok. – And with that I wrapped my arms around her. I hadn’t felt such emotional closeness with anyone in such a long time. She held me tight and as she was kissing my hair she said:
– So, I owe you a spanking when I come back.
– Yes! – I said as if she were promising the most wonderful thing in the world. She laughed at my answer…
A whole week passed before I found out why it was so funny.