(2019, long before COVID – I have a couple of old posts that I hadn’t gotten to before)
I had classes until late in the evening and then went to her place afterwards. I was extremely sleepy and I kept imagining the promised cuddling and falling asleep in her arms. I hoped that she had forgiven me for not revealing all the details of my health problems. Although I suspected that on top of lying to her, there was also the fact that Selena, not somebody else, but my long loved Selena, knew something that I hadn’t told her. I had hoped that she would mention it, so I can explain that Selena knew because she didn’t give a rats arse about it. Well, I was planning to phrase it differently.
She was reading some research papers at the kitchen table and had a half-empty glass of beets, apples and carrots juice in front of her. The full one was awaiting for me.
She patiently let me take a shower and change into PJs. I sensed by the way she greeted me that we wouldn’t go straight for the cuddling. I took my time getting ready. As I was entering the kitchen she checked her watch. I knew that wasn’t a good sign.
I kissed her for the juice. She had a very mysterious look for someone in the middle of reading a research paper. I drank the juice, but then I just couldn’t keep quiet any more.
-Honey, I am sorry I didn’t tell you… I was afraid that you would worry and that you would come, and then I would be disgusting, forever. I mean, I know you are doctor and you see all kinds of stuff, but you don’t sleep with those people… So… if I became disgusting, you wouldn’t be able to love me. I don’t even notice when you get your periods. You are perfect! – She grew sadder as my speech progressed. – I am sorry…. – I was glad that she didn’t say that she wouldn’t be disgusted because it would have felt like a lie. But, she wasn’t saying anything. Anything at all, just looking at me like she is seeing something deep inside me. I wasn’t sure she liked what she was looking at…
-Sonia… – she finally spoke – whatever I say won’t seem real to you because of your inexperience in relationships, so we will just have to live through it. And …
– No! I could never let you…
– Sonia! – That sent chills down my spine: maaan, she didn’t like to be interrupted! – You told me that you had imagined that a relationship like this is just a blog-fairy tale, right?
– And, yet, here we are. We both have to let each other in. I am not perfect, and it scares me that you think I am. For example, you don’t seem to realize that I am deep in perimenopause… and my periods aren’t what they used to be and they are far between. That’s why you don’t notice them. – I hadn’t even thought about it. Although she was Selena’s age, and I knew that Selena had lost her period a year ago, I hadn’t connected the dots. But it didn’t matter. My heart was screaming that Robin is perfect just as she is. – Both you and I know what happens when you idealize someone – she continued – and I could also wonder if you love me or you are just in love with something you projected onto me.
– I love YOU! –
– Babe… both of us know that it can feel like that.
– I doooo looove youu – I didn’t know how to explain to her that I am not idealizing her, that I truly see her… and that she IS perfect to me! I see her wrinkles and I adore each and every one of them, they are sexy to me, and make her seem wise and powerful. I love her hands… I love everything about her body… I see that she cares a lot about being right, I see that she reads up on all new research because she couldn’t stand not knowing something…. I heard her speak French with a thick accent and it sounded a bit funny… I don’t like that she sometimes keeps deep emotions hidden, but I believe with time it could change and I also love the hurting part of her… And she isn’t into spirituality as much as I am, but I love that because maybe… I might, some day, be able to offer something to her instead of just receiving… that is if I apply the spiritual stuff in my life and not just have the concepts…. and really she is so much better in the practical, down to earth stuff, that maybe I’ll get more grounded… So, she is perfect even there… But how do I explain all of this and so much more …?
– Sweetheart.. – she stood up and took my face in her hands.- I know. And I love you, too. And I accept you, you who you are, completely. – she wiped a tear from my cheek, and I could see that she was getting teary, too. Then, she sighed. – And you will just have to experience it because I will not let you go through that hell alone next month. – With that she hugged me and I wrapped my arms around her and I felt truly accepted and loved, but then a thought came to my mind: What if she just said it? Isn’t it too early for normal people to say that they love someone? I said it, but I am not a normal person… Doesn’t it usually take much longer? Was she lying to me? I wanted it to be truth. Yes, she wouldn’t be holding me like this and talking to me like this if she didn’t love me…
When her perfume got into my head and I started gently kissing her, she gently pushed me away.
– Sweetie, you know what I think about consistency, and we agreed, that you are getting a spanking tonight. Then, we can get a fresh start on honesty, and the cuddling I also promised.
-No!!! – I whined as I tried to hug her again, but she just patted me on the butt.
– Come on, honey, let’s go upstairs.
-But, I don’t want to! – I lifted up my head wanting to plead with my puppy eyes. My move made her smile a little. She cupped my cheek with her right hand ever so slightly, and the strictness in her voice was at the same time so kind:
– I am not crazy about it either – she sighed – but you deserved a big punishment for not cleaning the slate yourself by admitting. – she put her hand on my shoulder as if to softly push me toward the stairs: -Come on, let’s finish it and …
-No! I won’t go, and I won’t let you go. – I wrapped my arms around her tighter in a fit of … stubborn “toddlerism” or whatever it was. She was surprised and I think she didn’t know what to do for a second. She kept hugging me, then kissed my shoulder and patted me on the butt.
-Come on, hon …
-No… – I whispered and just held her tighter. She held me gently and I could feel so much love beaming from my chest and I felt so safe, and warm, and loved. Her arms seemed like the most wonderful place on Earth. If I could have chosen what to do for the rest of my life, it would have been to stand there just like that hugging her.
About a minute later she slowly let go, but I was still holding onto her.
– Sonia, if you don’t stop this silliness right now, you will get extra punishment for it. -She said as she gently stroke my hair. – Come on, don’t make this more difficult than it is.
-I don’t want to let go of you and this moment! – I said it, and I guess some small part of me was aware even at that moment that I longed for that kind of physical closeness that we had shared a couple of minutes earlier and that I wasn’t ready to have it be over so soon, and although the other part of me was screaming my head off saying that the cuddling is coming just after the spanking, I wasn’t letting go.
Then she sighed and straightened up and it felt like she was getting tired of the “toddlerism”, but I simply stopped thinking about the consequences and logic.
-I will have to spank you right here if you don’t let go… – she finally got fed up with me. – Sonia…?!
She sighed deeply, released herself from my hug enough to pull my PJs down and started spanking, with me clinging to her side like a child.
Either because it was a bad position, or because she wanted it to hurt a lot as soon as possible, she kept hitting the same spot over and over again, and very soon it stung like hell every time her hand hit my bottom. Finally, I flung my hand to protect the spot and backed away.
-I wasn’t playing with you! Upstairs!- She pointed her finger, but I didn’t move. For a second she tilted her head to the right and then she turned on her heels, took the spatula from a drawer and started walking towards me. I finally got to my senses and wanted to turn around to run upstairs. However, my PJs were still down to my knees and almost made me fall. I grabbed onto the kitchen table, but that was enough for her to catch up with me.
She grabbed my elbow and pulled me towards herself as she practically sat on the table and started spanking. My feet were trapped in the PJs so I couldn’t kick as much as I wanted to, but nothing was stopping me from bawling: Rooobii–iiin… Ooowwww– hoooneeeeyyy- pleeease — i-i-it’s enou -ough honeyyyy… I wiiilll neever liiie agaaaiiin… oooowwww….and I – I will never be-ee stubborn… I just waa-aanted to cuddle…. Robiii-iiin… – She kept my upper body pinned to the table, and simply wasn’t losing pace. Then, for a second I thought she had stopped but it was only to hook her fingers and pull my panties down. She knew how much I hated the bare bottom spankings.- NO! no… no .. Roooobiiin – I tried to cease the moment and move, but my legs were between hers and she gave me a half a dozen of very hard smacks to keep me from moving.
-You. must. learn. what. happens. when. you. lie. – I was so surprised that I could barely catch my breath enough to give her a sobbing :
-I’ve leeearned…. I pro-miii-se… – the spatula kept stinging…
-What. will. you. do. the next time. you. feel. like. lying?
-I’ll teee–eeell the truu—th, owww….. honeyyyy…
-What. if. you. know. it. will get you. a spanking? – with this she stopped and rested her hand on my back. Only my sobbing could be heard.
-I won’t eee-ever deserve a span— king aaa–gaain…
-Oh… – she let out a small laugh – you will, sweetie…but will you try to lie to avoid it? – she patted my soooo vulnerable butt cheek and I winced.
I didn’t want to start lying right away because the pain and the emotions were too much. But if I had a chance to avoid this, how could I forsake it and tell the truth…?
-But you’re gooo-ing to spank me anyhowww… – I wasn’t being cheeky just logical. However, it was a wrong move. The spatula was back for another dozen or so smacks which felt way too hard – Robiiii-iiiin… Plee-eease…
She stopped the smacks.
-Yes, but I would spank you twice or twice as hard depending on when I find out. For example, I would be continuing with a belt right now if it was twice as hard. – I was horrified and I tried to turn around and look at her. She let me and added: – And, you’d also be grounded. – She seemed so serious and determined, there wasn’t any wavering in her expression. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. In a confused breath, I muttered incredulously:
-But,… then you’d be cruel… – I looked into her eyes and I just didn’t see it. I saw strict love, but love nonetheless, not somebody who would attack that sore butt with a belt.
-No, then I would love you enough to make sure you don’t make the same mistake again and possibly endanger your life.
-But… but… – I still couldn’t accept that she would be able to hurt me that much… I saw images of bruised bottoms, of bottoms with stripes that are the color of scabs… I looked at her again and I just couldn’t connect those horrifying images with her eyes. She was looking at me patiently, but gave me a stern prompt.
-You do have a choice: not to lie to me.
There was a struggle inside me. I couldn’t say yes to someone treating me like that because I couldn’t see that as love. She had a puzzled expression and I had a thought that maybe I really could choose not lie to her and then everything would stay the same.
-O-kaaay… – I acquiesced sobbingly and felt so vulnerable. It was a very different feeling. Until that moment, I had been convinced that I had let go of control and that she was totally in charge, but agreeing to that rule with a part of my belly still pressed against her thigh, my legs between hers, her hand holding my back, and me turned around just enough to be able to look at her and see how serious she was… … I felt exposed and absolutely in her control. It’s like… before this there was something playful in the way I saw spankings…
Anyhow, she wasn’t satisfied with my answer. She obviously saw how important this moment was.
-No, I need you to promise me and to accept the rule of getting double the punishment if you try to hide something or if you lie about breaking another rule.
-I prooo-miise and I … … – the words just wouldn’t come out. I tried to look into her eyes and I wasn’t sure what I was seeing… She was so serious…. I looked back into the table. – and I …accept… the rule…
I think a part of me also felt defeated.. There was something about agreeing to rules… and those images in my head… as I was finishing the sentence I turned around to go back into position quietly sobbing. I must have looked miserable because she pulled me up to stand in front of her. I was looking down at her hands holding mine. She said:
-Talk to me. – I just sighed. I didn’t know what to say.
She brought up one hand to lift my chin gently and make me look at her and for some reason I started crying again. It just burst out of me.
She held me until I calmed down and I managed to say the thought that I realized was the trigger of the emotions.
-If you could be cruel that would mean that you don’t love me… – I said into her shoulder.
She immediately became alarmed and held my forearms to push me away so she can look into my eyes.
-I wouldn’t be cruel. What do you even mean by cruel?
-you know those butts you see online that are bruised or with stripes or welts that are almost bleeding or like the color of scabs… – after a long silence she finally spoke:
– I can’t promise I will never give you A bruise. There are techniques used to prevent that from happening, but it can happen. However, if you deserve a harsh spanking I will put a gel on after it, maybe even have you sit on an ice pack, but I assure you that my intention will not be to have this bottom like in those pictures.
As she was talking I felt more and more reassured and sighed deeply a couple of times. She wiped my tears away and hugged me. Then she patted, well, more like smacked my behind lightly a couple of times.
-Let’s put some gel on it right now.
I wanted to talk and to cuddle but I fell asleep before my skin fully absorbed the gel.