(not a story)
I am writing this because I was starting to think about telling it all to someone in my real life and I know I would regret it. I said it once in a kind of therapy session and regretted it deeply because not only was she not able to help with anything, but now there is somebody with the power to out me and possibly ruin my life. I needed to share this with people who would know what I am taking about, at least a little bit. And if you could write your thoughts, experiences… I would really appreciate it…
I’ve spend 3 days fantasizing about discipline and spankings. Most of the fantasies were about a doctor I’ve recently visited. She is married and probably as strait and as vanilla as they can be, but I thought: what’s the harm in imagining stories in my head. It wasn’t even a physical turn on (my imagination can’t take me far down that path) I just loved spending time in the fantasy world. I must have spent more than 12 hours over the past 3 days imagining different scenarios… also some more time reading stories, writing, watching porn and YouTube videos about spanking. I somehow started to believe that I might actually find a woman similar to one in my fantasies. I thought about my body and how I could better take care of it to be prepared for that encounter, from saving for laser epilation to healthier eating and so on. I was energized. I felt hopeful.
After 2 good days of being in my own world, I watched Keenan’s series of YouTube videos about scenes from movies. I felt sick watching most of them. Too harsh, cruel, sadistic – for my taste, and none FF. She also talked about how she liked bruising and my mind went to all the videos I see when I try to find lesbian spanking porn. The scenes that look horrifying and utterly unloving to me – women with dark welts, deeply bruised bottoms, and other worse things like gagged, tied, humiliated… I used to think that people making the videos weren’t making them for spanking fetishists but for those with more SM tastes. But listening to Keenan I’ve realized that maybe most spankos would like watching that ( I mean apart from horrible acting and stupid dialog…I meant the spanking part of it and the use of implements I would find sadistic). And I felt I didn’t even fit in this world either. I was starting to wonder if I am a real spanko…
As you can probably tell from my stories, it’s the discipline, the scolding, the taking care of the bottom/brat that matters the most to me. One of Keenan’s guests, princess Kelly talked about the fantasy of being “saved” by someone and how many spanko’s get into trouble just so they can deserve a spanking. And really most my stories and fantasies are like that. In them I do things that I wouldn’t do at this age: like take drugs or do some dangerous things. Sometimes when I am trying to think of a plot for my fantasy, I ask myself: What would I actually do in real life if I was in a relationship? I believe I would be just too happy and wouldn’t even need to continue with many of the unhealthy habits like binge watching or overeating and sleeping too much, not tidying and cleaning the apartment. And I don’t think I would dare be bratty (like jealous or needy) or do anything that could jeopardize the relationship if I ever were in a relationship with a woman of my fantasies.
On top of it all, I’ve been reminded that being homoromantic spanko is even worse. I have the impression that there are many men who’d enjoy that kind of a relationship, even if they themselves were not only spanking, but sexually oriented. I think it is still a part of the culture that man like to be the boss of their wife – or maybe it’s only the traditional country I live in that makes me think so. Anyhow, I couldn’t stand a man trying to dominate me in any way, and I’d better not write about what I’d do to one if he tried to hit me.
Still for the lack of better scenes I re-watched the spanking scene in Outlander a couple of times, and seeing Claire’s bottom fascinated me more than Jamie’s face at the end of scene (when he is enjoying it) irritated me. Well, irritated is an understatement. I wanted to kick him in the head every time I watched the sadistic joy the actor so wonderfully portrayed.
After watching it a couple of times, I just longed seeing Claire so much that I started to binge watch the show, just so that I could see her bottom, her skin, … and then I got pulled in deeper and started enjoying the toughness and brilliance of the character, the looks she gives, how capable she is… But, as I was watching it, I started coming out of the fantasy mode of the past 3 days realizing I will never be with a Claire, let alone have a light domestic discipline relationship with somebody like her.
It feels like my life will never be whole. Like I will forever have to be just a part of myself. I am 35, and 5’10” and I don’t see how I could be a bottom now… I didn’t see it even when I was 25 but I had hopes. Moreover, I am getting visibly older by the day… I guess hormones are starting to mess with everything and I think I look at least 5 years older than last year, and I am gaining weight and the greys in the hair are appearing…
I have never been in any kind of relationship, and I feel like I never will and that I just have to accept it and figure out my life without love, without true intimacy and closeness.
It’s just that without it even if I focused all my effort on career or writing of making money or friendships (if they can be called friendships because they will never know half of me)… or spirituality… it doesn’t feel like it would mean a lot. I am quite good at blocking out this part of myself for at least 20 days a month. But even when I am not thinking about it, there is always something missing in my life.
Have any of you experienced anything similar… thought something completely opposite….? Please if you have any thoughts, anything you might be willing to share from your life, I would appreciate it very much.
HER LOVE THROUGH DISCIPLINE 