Folks, I am on this story now, and although I feel it deviating from DD and spanking content I will keep publishing… It kind of has a life of its own now and I am not sure you’ll like it but… I’ll go back to other stories once I wrap this one up.
When my alarm went off the next morning I was way too sleepy to get up or to want to go and do a regular day of work and school. I decided I would just continue sleeping and process everything until Mom came, and I turned off the alarm and drifted back to sleep.
About half an hour later a smack on the bottom woke me up. I turned on my back (as to protect my behind) but I wasn’t eager to actually get up.
-Anna, we are late. Get up and get ready. – with that she left to get ready herself. I was more awake, but the bed was cozy and all the things I had learned the previous night were buzzing through my head. The way I was conceived was making me feel horrible, like I didn’t really want to be in my body, and as if I wanted to just take off my own skin suit. But then I would remember the picture, my Mom’s dream and everything would go to a totally different dimension. With a bit of denial, my mind would tell me that there was a “meant to happen” somewhere in there. I was meant to be born to my Mom…. … and I don’t really have a father.
However, I wanted to keep Nat as my auntie and that’s what I focused on. I had a fleeting thought about having another aunt, Julia, but she was irrelevant in my world.
-You are still in bed!
-Nat, I really don’t feel ready to go anywhere…and..
-No! – she cut me off. – If I need to come here again I am coming with a belt.
-But…
– You are coming with me, end of discussion.
I started giggling and I don’t even know why. It’s like the giggles came from within me and I thought it would actually be kind of fun to mess with her for a bit throughout the day. Moreover, lying in bed made me go back to the parts of this discovery that I couldn’t really deal with.
I quickly got dressed and grabbed a bag of chocolate croissant which I was meant to eat as desert, one at a time. Which, was really ridiculous. They were tiny…
Nat glanced at the bag, opened her mouth to say something but, I guess, decided to pick her battles.
In the car she actually took one. At first, I thought that maybe there is a side to her that I hadn’t yet seen, but then I thought that she must be so stressed with everything happening and a wave of compassion washed over me.
-Nat, how are you doing? – she glanced at me but then kept her eyes on the road.
– I am ok, why?
-“why!?” Oh, sorry, last night was just a dream, right.
– Don’t get snarky! – the tone was clear. I was on thin ice. So I stuffed my mouth with a croissant so I wouldn’t get into a discussion. And she is so not ok. I mean, she may be relieved that she doesn’t have to hide it any more. She may be sad because the memories came back. She may be happy that she’ll see my Mom… but “OK”… come on. I will definitely mess with her today. Oh, shit wait… I can’t push it because she mustn’t spank me in front of Mom, I couldn’t allow that. I would have to fight back.
As I was eating my fourth croissant and grabbing a fifth one because she was already parking the car, she said:
-Bobby, loved pastry … – I shoved the fifth one back into the bag and the bag into the glove compartment which I knew would make her mad because she will have to vacuum it when we get home. I was angry that she mentioned him in the context of our resemblance, again.
We didn’t say anything until we were in the elevator. I was about to leave when she reminded me to ask for a personal day tomorrow and I thought to myself that I should have called in sick that day as well and stayed in bed.
I did work on autopilot and I was considering skipping classes, but I figured I could be ruminating in class as well as out of it. I was mostly stuck on two subjects: what my Mom went through and the fact that Nat is my aunt, my family, someone bound to love me whatever I do (yes, I know that is not actually right, but that’s how it felt for me).
Seeing Mom was incredibly emotional. For once in my life, although Nat was present, I didn’t care, I was totally focused on Mom. We hugged and cuddled the whole time. I felt how much she loved me. I think I felt it more than ever. And, I think for the first time I felt she was actually strong.
I realized how strong she must have been to stay that loving and open, and even to keep it all a secret to protect me. And all those times that she seemingly deferred to Nat she wasn’t just doing it because she adored Nat or thought Nat was all knowing, it was because Nat knew my … her brothers behavior and psychology… she was kind of an authority on messed up part of me. And, she was my aunt.
Although the cause of Mom’s arrival wasn’t really a nice one, I think both of us enjoyed being together tremendously, and apart from Nat and Mom mentioning him, trying to make him sound good to me, everything else was fun and relaxed.
I spent a lot of time with Mom over the next two days, and Nat even slept at Matthew’s one night so we were alone.
My Mom was always there for me and we talked about everything, I mean I talked about everything (obviously) but this time we talked about spirituality and woo woo stuff more than ever, and somehow it made me feel … calmer, less anxious…. I guess.
I reconnected to Mom on a different level, so I was very sad when she left. I missed her and called her a lot in the following days.
Meanwhile Nat was mostly acting like nothing has changed. The day Mom left she told me:
– I am quizzing you this evening, so you’d better catch up.
Hearing her tone of voice, made my stomach churn. And I just nodded and went to the desk, but then I turned around and looked at her. She was putting the groceries in the fridge and she seemed… just normal. She didn’t seem scary. I stood there watching her trying to make space in the fridge and she didn’t seem perfect.
And I wasn’t really scared of what will happen when she quizzes me. I knew there was no chance I could catch up with the studying of the past 3 days in 3 hours, especially because I wasn’t really attentive in class.
She must have felt I was looking at her because when she is done with the fridge she looks at me standing by the desk.
– Anna, you haven’t started? – she says and starts walking toward me.
This startles me a little but something feels different. I feel more relaxed than I usually would be in a similar situation. Normally, I would scramble to sit and open a book or the laptop, but I just keep standing there and smile.
She is, however, not smiling, which is starting to make me nervous.
As she is approaching, the nervousness wins and I move the chair to sit.
And that almost gets a smile out of her. She stands next to me and puts her hand on my shoulder.
-So, what are you going to study? – she acts like nothing happened which makes her seem powerful, again. And I look up at her to tell her but I feel loved and she feels so powerful that it makes me feel safe, like inside my chest and belly… my whole body just safe and instead of telling her what I am planning to study I ask:
-Nat, do I look like you at all? – because at that moment I think how amazing it would be to be like her.
Nat is surprised by the question and kind of freezes for a second. She looks like she is thinking whether to answer or not, or maybe she doesn’t know the answer. Maybe she’s always looked at me as her brother’s daughter and not her niece, too.
She seems to be thinking.
-Well, Bobby and I had many things in common… but I think… – she stops herself. I am sure she was going to say something vulnerable and then she continues – I think you have my persistence.
-You weren’t going to say that… – I tell her and turn toward the desk.
She takes a breath as if she is about to argue, but then just says:
-You’d better cover 30 pages at least, because today’s quiz will be with a belt by my side.
My head snaps back to looking at her:
-You can’t do that! I have legitimate reasons for not having studied.
She just raises an eyebrow.
-And now you have ideal environment to learn 30 pages in almost full 3 hours. That is plenty of time and there is no reason for you to fear the punishment if you focus.
I cross my arms in protest, but I know she is right. I could totally do that. ..
I try to study and at one point I get confident and I feel like I can easily do it, maybe even learn 40 pages. So I try to do that. And at one moment as I am writing down notes and connecting things, I feel so empowered and I feel the position of my spine is familiar and I get the feeling that at that moment I am like Nat. The thought makes me happy and I feel into it, but then another part of me comes up. If I am self-sufficient, empowered, … I wouldn’t need her to take care of me… I wouldn’t be the kid anymore… And that thought acts like a short circuit.
I try to convince myself that I could still be ‘the kid’ although I am not a kid, I am an adult. But we could still maintain the relationship, she would just be proud of me and she’d probably push me harder towards greater accomplishments, but I would be able to feel good about myself.
I try to go back to focusing on the textbook, but it’s just not as compelling as my thoughts. I tell myself I can decide on that later, when I am in bed, and that now I could focus but I waste a loooot of time going back to whether or not I want to be an empowered woman.
In the end, I run out of time before I can revise all of my notes and it makes me feel like I haven’t learned anything. I watch Nat sit on the couch putting the belt next to her and holding the folder with my school stuff in her lap.
– Show me what you learned – she says as she is waiting for me to give her the textbook.
I get up reluctantly and show her the 30 pages, and I also give her my colorful notes.
I go to sit next to her, but she just motions for me to stand in front of her.
-We are not chatting, I am quizzing you.
I squirm in place and mumble to myself:
-We never chat…..
Her eyebrows shoot up:
-What’s that?
Her tone a clear warning, so I swallow hard and shift weight from one foot to another.
-Nothing…
She just looks at me for another beat and then looks at the syllabus and finds a core concept. She asks and I fumble with the answer. I feel like I am forgetting an indicator or two, but I am blanking out. That’s why revision is crucial… I would have realized I don’t have it… I am so angry at myself for thinking about being empowered and thinking I could learn so much when clearly I wasn’t able to learn even the measly 30 pages.
Nat is naturally, not satisfied. She looks at the syllabus again and I do a little better on the next question but very far from excellent.. The third questions goes about the same way the second one did… ok, but not thorough enough.
Nat seems disappointed. She closes the book and puts her hands in her lap as if she is thinking what to do with me.
I can’t exactly share which thoughts prevented me from focusing so I just look at her my heart pounding. The belt really scares me… but I am so angry at myself that I don’t care that much.
She observes me and for a beat there is just silence.
Finally, she speaks:
– Are you testing me again?
-No, Nat, I swear I am not!! – I start blurting out the whole thing, well, not the whole thing, but I am telling the truth. – I thought I was doing so well, and I even thought I’d learn 40 pages, and then… I just got distracted by my thoughts and lost focus and I was going back over the same stuff again and again… and in the end I didn’t have time to revise… and if you could only give me 20 more minutes to revise, I promise it will be so much better,… please….?
She looks at me again, taking such a long time, and finally her hand goes for the textbook and I think she’ll give me 20 minutes when she seemingly remembers something:
– What were you thinking about?
I swallow hard. I think usually I would have no problem telling her a half-truth, but this evening she seems too observant, to present and for some reason the fact that she is my aunt makes me feel like she will for sure see through me if I lie. But I can’t tell the truth. I open my mouth to say that I was thinking about the whole thing: my Mom, her brother.. her being my aunt… but I can’t bring myself to say it.
And I feel a part of me ready fess up, and I just keep telling myself not to tell her the whole truth. Not only is it embarrassing but it might change our relationship forever.
-I…. I was… I… – I am trying to think of a way to tell part of the truth so she doesn’t catch me lying but … I can’t think of a way to say it.
-Anna, if you lie to me, the belt won’t be over you pants. – she says in an eerily calm way, with such conviction that I gasp and my face scrunches up as I am about to start crying.
I just bow my head. I feel I am at an impasse. I can’t lie and I can’t tell the truth.
-I can’t tell you… I can’t…. – I whisper
Nat stays quiet and I don’t dare look up. I am trying to figure out what she’ll do. I am trying to figure out if maybe I can still say something… Why didn’t I just say I was thinking if I am at all like you? That would have been part of the truth, but saying it now doesn’t make sense, because, it’s innocuous enough, there would have been no need to hide it.
-Alright, you have the right to keep your thoughts private. Thank you for not lying. You have another 20 minutes, but that is the last chance. – She says as she gets up, giving me the textbook and the notebook.
I look up at her not believing my luck. And as I look into her eyes I feel like she is looking at me differently. I am still so shaken by the prospect of the belt that I can’t think clearly, but I know it’s different.
I take the books and quickly sit down and start revising. Looking at core concepts in the syllabus knowing she will likely go there. It takes me a couple of minutes to calm down and focus but I get there and I go through everything and I feel much more confident.
When she comes back she sighs before taking my books. I immediately go stand where she previously told me. And I do great for the first two questions, but on the third one, I don’t do great. And then I get scared and the next 2 I do even worse. I can’t believe what is happening. it’s like someone is actively wiping my memory…
Nat lets out a long, heavy breath through her nose. The silence in the living room feels suffocating. She slowly closes the textbook, the cover making a dull thud against her knees. She just looks incredibly tired as she picks up the folded leather belt from the cushion beside her.
I know I have disappointed her. I don’t even try to argue or plead. I am on the verge of crying and I just say:
-I am sorry….
She sighs and takes a long look at me and then almost as if against her will, she says:
– Over the couch.
My legs feel heavy but the hatred for myself is hot. I bend over the back of the couch. I hate this position, I hate the belt, I hate the coldness of the situation, but … I know I deserve it for being stupid.
Whack!
The belt explodes across the center of my bottom with a sharp snap. I gasp loudly, it hurts so much worse than the hairbrush. The fire spreads instantly, biting deep into my skin.
By the third strike I have no other thoughts than what is happening right now…By the fifth one I cry out loud.
Whack!
-Aaaaaa! Naaaat…. – I plead – It huuuuurts… Pleaaase….
She doesn’t say anything just lifts the belt. Whack!
My legs lift.
– Anna! – She says warning me while putting her hand on my lower back. But I can’t help it, the next time belt blisters the bottom of my cheeks I jerk my hips and kick my leg.
– Hold still, Anna. Don’t make me add extra for squirming.
The tears completely blur my vision, soaking into the fabric of the couch. It’s chaotic, it’s messy, and it hurts so much I breathe weirdly from sobbing.
Although she peppers the sit spots with another 5 strikes and turns me into a blubbering mess, she does strike with less intensity.
When she is done, she rubs my back for a second and then lets me get up. I just turn around and burry my red, sniffling, blubbering face into her shirt.
-I am sooo-ooory .. I will do beeeeeeee-eetter nee-ext time….
I blubber and she just strokes my back.
– I know you will, sweetie. – she says after a long sigh.
HER LOVE THROUGH DISCIPLINE 