That night I lay in bed thinking of the possible scenarios for the year ahead. Fantasy was interrupted by intense fear of screwing it all up. When I went into fantasizing it felt amazing, but as soon as I realized what my days would be like I got terrified and felt like I should start working on something right then and there in the middle of the night, because there was so much to do… In the end, I fell asleep fantasizing about my life with Natalie… spending so much time with her… work and home…, her presenting me proudly as her adopted daughter. I even felt I could do it all. It felt exciting after spending months in my room doing nothing.
When the alarm went off in the morning, I was too sleepy to get up and wanted to snooze it, but remembered where I was and knew I shouldn’t do it. I turned onto my back and had a painful reminder of one of the reasons why I should get up.
Then, I heard the door of her room, and truly became aware of my surroundings. The reality sometimes seemed not real to me… like … I wasn’t really aware of things or the future, although I knew they were there. But at that moment, I told myself: “this is the part where I change!” and I got up! It may sound irrelevant to you, but … for the previous three months I had always snoozed and if I felt sleepy I wasn’t able to make myself get up (well, unless I really needed to pee, but then I’d go back to bed).
I went to take a shower, which was another success. That summer at home I’d go for two or even three days without showering…
When I came downstairs I was in such a good mood. I could conquer the world because I’d fought myself and won!
In the dining room there was her smiling face. How much I loved that face! I couldn’t believe myself : I wanted to give this up??! This morning! I must have been insane. I rushed towards her and hugged her. I wanted to hold her longer but she felt a second was enough and let go. I so wished she would want to hold me… but that’s how she is, I thought.
We started planning the day. I had to go shopping for some things I hadn’t brought (a reprimanding look, which I tried to soften with an cute-apologetic one and got a sigh as she shook her head at me). We planned on going to a restaurant after that.
In the evening Sandra was going to join us for a movie night. Nat bought a projector, so we were going to have almost a cinema experience. She offered that I invite one of my friends, but I had lost touch with everyone. On top of it, I wished for a movie night with just Nat, although Sandra can be fun. Well, maybe it’s for the best, I thought, so Nat won’t get bored of me.
As I was about to ask Nat how she spent her summer she got a phone call from a colleague and went to her room.
I had already finished breakfast, washed the dishes and thrown out the trash by the time she came back. She was ready to go out, so I went to change quickly.
Everything was so smooth and peaceful, until I went to buy clothes. I had gained some weight… well, … a lot of it.. over the summer and trying on clothes was so depressing… I looked fat and ugly… everything was way too tight or huge… the hatred towards myself and my body came back, full strength. I was trying to control it, because Nat was patiently waiting for me to choose something, but I felt like crying, like hitting myself in the fat belly for eating so much, for not exercising… The pants were the most bumming experience. I didn’t want to buy any of them – I looked disgusting… I couldn’t even come close to zipping up the size I used to wear…
I came out of the changing room on the verge of frustrated tears. I really didn’t want to be difficult. I really wanted to continue joking and having fun… But, I just couldn’t imagine myself wearing any of the pants. I wanted to ask her if I could maybe wear my jeans to work, at least for a week or so… until I lose at least some weight… but when I opened my mouth to say it, tears filled my eyes.
-Can I wear my jeans to work? – I asked in a whiny sort of voice and stopped, holding back the tears. She sighed deeply as if bracing herself. I really wanted to be different… and I really hated myself. – Please…? At least for a week or so…? I’ll lose some weight and … (but I couldn’t talk any more because if I did I would start full on crying in the middle of the store).
-Anna… – I think she felt sorry for me at that moment. – the baggy ones?
I nodded squeezing the used paper tissues in my hand.
-You can’t wear that to work, honey… How about a skirt? – I hadn’t thought of a skirt at all. For me skirts and dresses were something you wear when you want to look fancy, like for a party or something. A skirt might totally solve the problem. It can be a fluffy one that doesn’t show what my legs look like. I was so relieved and happy, and I hugged her:
-Thank you! Thankyou! Thankyou, Nat!
-OK, crybaby, let’s find you a skirt… for work… God… I should be sending you to a kindergarten instead. – she patted my butt as a “let’s go” but I winced which made her chuckle. – Oh, so you still have the reminder.
I was a bit embarrassed, and at the same time wanted to tell her that breakfast and the car ride weren’t a picnic, but she had already gone to find skirts.
When I went in to try a couple of them, I was in for another disappointment. I looked hideous… but I was able to go to that resigned place where nothing really matters. So, I bought one.
When we sat to have lunch I was hungry like a wolf, but determined that I would not eat a lot. I decided to imagine that every bite I eat is going straight into my belly and thighs and staying there for ever. Needless to say my mood got darker, I felt helpless and hateful towards myself and the food. And again, on the verge of crying… I was trying to chat and I asked her how was her summer.
She said she was crazy busy, but that she got promoted. She went on a week long holiday to Hawaii…Somehow it was weird to imagine her just relaxing on a beach, suntanning or just lying around. I asked more questions about the new position, does she like it… almost small talk … because all the time at the back of my mind I was busy feeling miserable.
When we came back home, I went to my room, relieved that I can finally cry to my heart’s content. I came out a two hours later when Sandra was about to come.
Nat was making popcorn when her phone lit up and I saw a man’s photo.
-A … Matthew… is calling you…. – she made a strange face like she got scared, or panicky.
-Could you finish this up? – she asked as she was taking the phone and almost running towards the stairs. Sandra rang the bell a minute later.
I hadn’t realized that I had actually missed her, so it was nice to see her. We started talking and joking, and when we moved to the living room I started setting up. However, as I moved the ominous armchair towards the fireplace, I was in for a surprise.
Matthew was staring at me from a photo taken in Hawaii. Natalie was looking at him all in love, like he is God or something. I’d never seen her look at anyone like that. I was staring at the photo with my mouth open. I was trying to process the information but it felt as if someone had poured a bucket of icy water on my head. Eventually a thought broke through the mush that my brain had become: “She loves him.” and then other came rushing in: “They are together. We’re no longer a duo. We never were….” I became so jealous and sad and really only wanted to escape and yet I couldn’t take my eyes off of them.
Sandra appeared behind me and put her hand on my shoulder which startled me. I tried to covertly wipe a tear and nonchalantly say.
-So,…. this is Matthew.
-Oh, you haven’t met him. He is a great guy…. – she continued talking, something about him being successful, and smart, and funny, and so charming but all I really heard were my own thoughts on repeat: “She Loves him. She loves Him. I must leave. SHE loves him… I must let her be… She loves him…. “
When Nat finally appeared I was torn between wanting to hug her and hold her, because I felt I was losing her, on one hand, and being angry at her for making me think there is room in her life for me, on the other. I wished that we had such a relationship that I could ask her why she invited me back when she was in a serious relationship.
I was so much in my thoughts that I wasn’t even following what was happening in the movie. Sandra and Natalie were having fun. As soon as the movie was over I excused myself, pretending to be sleepy.
Rushing to go upstairs I had forgotten my water and started going back down when I realized I could hear what they were saying.
Natalie was passionately discussing me:
-I don’t know what’s wrong with her anymore, I mean to cry in a store! Why did she take after Kimberley and her mom so much. Why couldn’t she have been more like me? (I wanted to scream from the top of the stairs – well maybe I would have been if you hadn’t left… and I realized I was getting angry at someone who gave me so much without being related)
Sandra: Epigenetics, … (what does she mean by epigenetics?! It’s just genetics… what, like if Nat had been around she could have influenced the expression of my genes?! oh… they are probably both drunk)
Natalie: oh, well… whatever… I want to tell you about Matthew… On Saturday he came over (I wasn’t going to listen to her talking about him so I started running down the stairs in order to make noise)
-Anna! Why are you up?! – she snapped as if it were past my bedtime or something. I knew it was because she got irritated thinking that I had heard something about her beloved Mathew and anger got hold of me again.
-I was just getting a glass of water… chill… – I said with a … teenage like attitude and turned around to take the glass, but when I turned again her head was slightly down and eyebrows up. Ominous. I wanted to take the “chill… ” back, together with the attitude, but didn’t know how. I couldn’t get all whiny in front of Sandra, especially because I didn’t want to show that “there is something wrong with me” and to “cry in front of guests”.
Only my footsteps could be heard, until she said to Sandra:
-I’ll be right back. – she was getting up when I heard Sandra quietly saying something starting with “come on… let her be”, as in telling her that she is making a big deal out of it, but I was rushing up the stairs to get to my bedroom as quickly as possible. I promised myself that if she comes to spank me, I wouldn’t cry. I would never let her see me cry again. She can beat the hell out of me, I will not cry.
She opened the door to my bedroom and without even closing it, she quickly approached me. I was sitting on the bed bracing myself not to cry whatever happens and I think spite and anger were building up instead of fear.
She stopped right in front of me, slapped me on the cheek, pretty hard, and then lifted my chin up.
-Don’t you ever talk to me like that. – I have no idea how I kept my cool. The slap was so hard that the tears came by themselves, like some reflex, but I didn’t look down. I looked her straight in the eye.
-Yes, Ma’m. – I think she was a bit surprised by my reaction. I would normally beg her not to be angry at me, or I would cry, but although two tears escaped I wasn’t crying. My lips weren’t curling. I was tough. Just like her.
-I expect you to be ready to leave at half past 7 tomorrow.
-Yes, Ma’am.
She closed the door as she left the room and I kept sitting there trying to make sense of what had just happened. My cheek was burning, I felt humiliated, pride and ego so hurt. But I was tough. I struggled a little bit with the thought that being humiliated doesn’t go with tough, but I decided that it could go together. After a while when I was about to set the alarm clock on my “dumb phone” (the older generation without the internet and all the apps) I realized that my real phone was next to it. We had had a deal that on Sunday night I would give it to her. I took the phone to check out my face. I had her fingers printed in red. A fleeting thought of hurt and sadness and wanting her to hug me came, but I told myself “you don’t need her”. Which made me even sadder. But then I remembered that by not giving her my phone I am breaking a rule which gave me a weird satisfaction. I almost wanted her to spank me so she can now see that I will not cry anymore.
She’ll see how tough I can get.
HER LOVE THROUGH DISCIPLINE 