Tag: Ff

Anna and Natalie 11

by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

(there won’t be any spanking in this chapter)

The next day I was so embarrassed that I let her know that I wanted OTK spanking and so conflicted in my emotions… that I was sobered by it.

When I got up, she had already made breakfast: eggs, bacon, tomatoes and my plate was waiting for me. I looked at her apprehensively, but she seemed cheerful.

– Hi… – I said filled with embarrassment and probably blushing. I sat down and had a bit of a start when my butt touched the wooden chair, but it really wasn’t too bad. However, she caught it and chuckled.

– Sleep well? Like a baby? – she was teasing me with a smile.

-Well… I… slept… – I answered with a smile and started eating so I wouldn’t have to talk.

-Good. So, I’ve been thinking. I want the outline and at least 3 papers or books cited by 11 tonight. Close your mouth. – I realized I had opened my mouth in surprise when she said it. – It doesn’t need to be perfect, I just need to know that you have started working on it. OK?

I swallowed, while my brain was screaming: there is no way we can do it by tonight!!! I’ve got no idea what my topic is, let alone which papers….

-Anna?! – her smile was gone and she went into impatient and strict mode.

-Sorry… ok… I’ll send it… – I wasn’t exactly exuding confidence. She walked around the table, and stood next to me. I turned around to face her, but I was looking at her shoes. She moved my chin up and met my eyes with a piercing look.

-You are further behind than you admitted, aren’t you?

-No… – I said in a weird deep voice. – I’ll send it. For real.

-You’d better. – she patted my cheek lightly and went back to sit at her chair and finish her coffee. As she was getting to her chair, for some reason I added:

– I will, but isn’t Matthew going to be angry if you read my outline instead of having … a romantic time with him.

-You don’t need to worry about that. – she said in a “end of discussion” manner.

***

At work I frantically tried to squeeze in some research between the tasks and at lunch. I read on the bus to the university and back. By the time I got home it was already 8 o’clock but I had some ideas about the topic and the outline.

By 10 I had finished the outline and even started expanding on some of the bullet points.

As I was preparing the document to send it to Nat, for a second I debated with myself if I should let it be 10:59 when I send it, but I felt oddly adult and efficient and I sent it immediately.

The fact that I had accomplished so much made me want to work further. By 5 am I already had a first draft and I wished I wasn’t sleepy, but even the 4 shots of espresso couldn’t keep me focused enough for my writing to make sense. Unfortunately, I also wasn’t thinking things through… so I sent Nat the first draft at 5:05 (at the time finding it especially funny that it was 5:05 exactly). I was so proud and felt like she’d be happy for me and relieved. I felt so productive, like I can accomplish anything that I put in a short comment that I am grateful that she pushed me and that now I can see how much I can do.

In the morning, well.. it was like in the afternoon, at about 2 pm, I woke up and checked my email.

“When you have rested check your grammar and spelling. Otherwise, good first draft.

We will discuss your bedtime when I get home.

I expect the final paper to wait for me when I get home and I hope not to find any grammar and spelling mistakes. “

Ooops… the bedtime… I’ll just tell her I couldn’t fall asleep so I got up in the middle of the night… We never discussed that option. It would be logical that I am allowed to do that.

Nevertheless, my mood was great. I finished the paper and started studying for the test before she came home.

I must have been beaming with joy when she came home. As I was taking her suitcase from her which she let go all confused I chattered away.

-I wrote it Nat! I didn’t believe I’d be able to, but I did! And I triple checked for mistakes – I said turning around as she we were going to the laundry room. – I even studied for the test. I think I’ll be able to do it! You were right!

-Of course, I was. So you should listen to me the next time.

-I know. – I stopped to turn around and hug her.

– So, how was the trip? – I continued as she was putting the clothes in the laundry basket.

-It was nice. – She then the described the sights they visited and the food they ate. Nothing about their relationship. But I was hoping I’d hear the interesting stuff when Sandra came and I made a mental note to buy a baby monitor.

After she had had a shower we ate and then she read the paper.

-It’s very good, Anna. – I was just smiling, but then she sighed. – Did you have to stay past your bedtime?

I wanted to lie, but I had the urge to tell the truth.

-No,… I am sorry… I had a bit too many espressos, and I got a high from finishing the outline and just felt like I wanted to continue working… And honestly I had totally forgotten I had to be in bed by 11… I wouldn’t have sent you the email that early if I had remembered. – she chuckled.

-But I would have still known, Anna.

-How?

-I know what you do on your laptop. I told you that.

Yes, she did tell me. The first day I came. Have I been on any spanko blogs!? Shitshitshitshit…no… no… I haven’t … I haven’t… I don’t think I have…

I must have looked absolutely horrified and surprised that I got her doubting.

-Didn’t I ?

-Yes, .. yes… I had just forgotten…

I made a mental note to get myself a used iPad ASAP and hide it from her.

-OK, your bed time has now changed to 10 until further notice, and I will let the rest of the punishment slide this time… but don’t break the rule again. Understood?

I wanted to protest the bedtime. It was way too early for me. I am a night owl. 11 was too early and this is just, too much. I was taking too long to say anything and her expression was starting to change, so I quickly said:

-Yes. I am sorry.

-You are forgiven. Now, off to bed

I was about to protest again because I was supposed to have another half an hour but she just gave me the look and I kissed her goodnight and went upstairs.

Anna and Natalie 8

by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

That night I lay in bed thinking of the possible scenarios for the year ahead. Fantasy was interrupted by intense fear of screwing it all up. When I went into fantasizing it felt amazing, but as soon as I realized what my days would be like I got terrified and felt like I should start working on something right then and there in the middle of the night, because there was so much to do… In the end, I fell asleep fantasizing about my life with Natalie… spending so much time with her… work and home…, her presenting me proudly as her adopted daughter. I even felt I could do it all. It felt exciting after spending months in my room doing nothing.

When the alarm went off in the morning, I was too sleepy to get up and wanted to snooze it, but remembered where I was and knew I shouldn’t do it. I turned onto my back and had a painful reminder of one of the reasons why I should get up.

Then, I heard the door of her room, and truly became aware of my surroundings. The reality sometimes seemed not real to me… like … I wasn’t really aware of things or the future, although I knew they were there. But at that moment, I told myself: “this is the part where I change!” and I got up! It may sound irrelevant to you, but … for the previous three months I had always snoozed and if I felt sleepy I wasn’t able to make myself get up (well, unless I really needed to pee, but then I’d go back to bed).

I went to take a shower, which was another success. That summer at home I’d go for two or even three days without showering…

When I came downstairs I was in such a good mood. I could conquer the world because I’d fought myself and won!

In the dining room there was her smiling face. How much I loved that face! I couldn’t believe myself : I wanted to give this up??! This morning! I must have been insane. I rushed towards her and hugged her. I wanted to hold her longer but she felt a second was enough and let go. I so wished she would want to hold me… but that’s how she is, I thought.

We started planning the day. I had to go shopping for some things I hadn’t brought (a reprimanding look, which I tried to soften with an cute-apologetic one and got a sigh as she shook her head at me). We planned on going to a restaurant after that.

In the evening Sandra was going to join us for a movie night. Nat bought a projector, so we were going to have almost a cinema experience. She offered that I invite one of my friends, but I had lost touch with everyone. On top of it, I wished for a movie night with just Nat, although Sandra can be fun. Well, maybe it’s for the best, I thought, so Nat won’t get bored of me.

As I was about to ask Nat how she spent her summer she got a phone call from a colleague and went to her room.

I had already finished breakfast, washed the dishes and thrown out the trash by the time she came back. She was ready to go out, so I went to change quickly.

Everything was so smooth and peaceful, until I went to buy clothes. I had gained some weight… well, … a lot of it.. over the summer and trying on clothes was so depressing… I looked fat and ugly… everything was way too tight or huge… the hatred towards myself and my body came back, full strength. I was trying to control it, because Nat was patiently waiting for me to choose something, but I felt like crying, like hitting myself in the fat belly for eating so much, for not exercising… The pants were the most bumming experience. I didn’t want to buy any of them – I looked disgusting… I couldn’t even come close to zipping up the size I used to wear…

I came out of the changing room on the verge of frustrated tears. I really didn’t want to be difficult. I really wanted to continue joking and having fun… But, I just couldn’t imagine myself wearing any of the pants. I wanted to ask her if I could maybe wear my jeans to work, at least for a week or so… until I lose at least some weight… but when I opened my mouth to say it, tears filled my eyes.

-Can I wear my jeans to work? – I asked in a whiny sort of voice and stopped, holding back the tears. She sighed deeply as if bracing herself. I really wanted to be different… and I really hated myself. – Please…? At least for a week or so…? I’ll lose some weight and … (but I couldn’t talk any more because if I did I would start full on crying in the middle of the store).

-Anna… – I think she felt sorry for me at that moment. – the baggy ones?

I nodded squeezing the used paper tissues in my hand.

-You can’t wear that to work, honey… How about a skirt? – I hadn’t thought of a skirt at all. For me skirts and dresses were something you wear when you want to look fancy, like for a party or something. A skirt might totally solve the problem. It can be a fluffy one that doesn’t show what my legs look like. I was so relieved and happy, and I hugged her:

-Thank you! Thankyou! Thankyou, Nat!

-OK, crybaby, let’s find you a skirt… for work… God… I should be sending you to a kindergarten instead. – she patted my butt as a “let’s go” but I winced which made her chuckle. – Oh, so you still have the reminder.

I was a bit embarrassed, and at the same time wanted to tell her that breakfast and the car ride weren’t a picnic, but she had already gone to find skirts.

When I went in to try a couple of them, I was in for another disappointment. I looked hideous… but I was able to go to that resigned place where nothing really matters. So, I bought one.

When we sat to have lunch I was hungry like a wolf, but determined that I would not eat a lot. I decided to imagine that every bite I eat is going straight into my belly and thighs and staying there for ever. Needless to say my mood got darker, I felt helpless and hateful towards myself and the food. And again, on the verge of crying… I was trying to chat and I asked her how was her summer.

She said she was crazy busy, but that she got promoted. She went on a week long holiday to Hawaii…Somehow it was weird to imagine her just relaxing on a beach, suntanning or just lying around. I asked more questions about the new position, does she like it… almost small talk … because all the time at the back of my mind I was busy feeling miserable.

When we came back home, I went to my room, relieved that I can finally cry to my heart’s content. I came out a two hours later when Sandra was about to come.

Nat was making popcorn when her phone lit up and I saw a man’s photo.

-A … Matthew… is calling you…. – she made a strange face like she got scared, or panicky.

-Could you finish this up? – she asked as she was taking the phone and almost running towards the stairs. Sandra rang the bell a minute later.

I hadn’t realized that I had actually missed her, so it was nice to see her. We started talking and joking, and when we moved to the living room I started setting up. However, as I moved the ominous armchair towards the fireplace, I was in for a surprise.

Matthew was staring at me from a photo taken in Hawaii. Natalie was looking at him all in love, like he is God or something. I’d never seen her look at anyone like that. I was staring at the photo with my mouth open. I was trying to process the information but it felt as if someone had poured a bucket of icy water on my head. Eventually a thought broke through the mush that my brain had become: “She loves him.” and then other came rushing in: “They are together. We’re no longer a duo. We never were….” I became so jealous and sad and really only wanted to escape and yet I couldn’t take my eyes off of them.

Sandra appeared behind me and put her hand on my shoulder which startled me. I tried to covertly wipe a tear and nonchalantly say.

-So,…. this is Matthew.

-Oh, you haven’t met him. He is a great guy…. – she continued talking, something about him being successful, and smart, and funny, and so charming but all I really heard were my own thoughts on repeat: “She Loves him. She loves Him. I must leave. SHE loves him… I must let her be… She loves him…. “

When Nat finally appeared I was torn between wanting to hug her and hold her, because I felt I was losing her, on one hand, and being angry at her for making me think there is room in her life for me, on the other. I wished that we had such a relationship that I could ask her why she invited me back when she was in a serious relationship.

I was so much in my thoughts that I wasn’t even following what was happening in the movie. Sandra and Natalie were having fun. As soon as the movie was over I excused myself, pretending to be sleepy.

Rushing to go upstairs I had forgotten my water and started going back down when I realized I could hear what they were saying.

Natalie was passionately discussing me:

-I don’t know what’s wrong with her anymore, I mean to cry in a store! Why did she take after Kimberley and her mom so much. Why couldn’t she have been more like me? (I wanted to scream from the top of the stairs – well maybe I would have been if you hadn’t left… and I realized I was getting angry at someone who gave me so much without being related)

Sandra: Epigenetics, … (what does she mean by epigenetics?! It’s just genetics… what, like if Nat had been around she could have influenced the expression of my genes?! oh… they are probably both drunk)

Natalie: oh, well… whatever… I want to tell you about Matthew… On Saturday he came over (I wasn’t going to listen to her talking about him so I started running down the stairs in order to make noise)

-Anna! Why are you up?! – she snapped as if it were past my bedtime or something. I knew it was because she got irritated thinking that I had heard something about her beloved Mathew and anger got hold of me again.

-I was just getting a glass of water… chill… – I said with a … teenage like attitude and turned around to take the glass, but when I turned again her head was slightly down and eyebrows up. Ominous. I wanted to take the “chill… ” back, together with the attitude, but didn’t know how. I couldn’t get all whiny in front of Sandra, especially because I didn’t want to show that “there is something wrong with me” and to “cry in front of guests”.

Only my footsteps could be heard, until she said to Sandra:

-I’ll be right back. – she was getting up when I heard Sandra quietly saying something starting with “come on… let her be”, as in telling her that she is making a big deal out of it, but I was rushing up the stairs to get to my bedroom as quickly as possible. I promised myself that if she comes to spank me, I wouldn’t cry. I would never let her see me cry again. She can beat the hell out of me, I will not cry.

She opened the door to my bedroom and without even closing it, she quickly approached me. I was sitting on the bed bracing myself not to cry whatever happens and I think spite and anger were building up instead of fear.

She stopped right in front of me, slapped me on the cheek, pretty hard, and then lifted my chin up.

-Don’t you ever talk to me like that. – I have no idea how I kept my cool. The slap was so hard that the tears came by themselves, like some reflex, but I didn’t look down. I looked her straight in the eye.

-Yes, Ma’m. – I think she was a bit surprised by my reaction. I would normally beg her not to be angry at me, or I would cry, but although two tears escaped I wasn’t crying. My lips weren’t curling. I was tough. Just like her.

-I expect you to be ready to leave at half past 7 tomorrow.

-Yes, Ma’am.

She closed the door as she left the room and I kept sitting there trying to make sense of what had just happened. My cheek was burning, I felt humiliated, pride and ego so hurt. But I was tough. I struggled a little bit with the thought that being humiliated doesn’t go with tough, but I decided that it could go together. After a while when I was about to set the alarm clock on my “dumb phone” (the older generation without the internet and all the apps) I realized that my real phone was next to it. We had had a deal that on Sunday night I would give it to her. I took the phone to check out my face. I had her fingers printed in red. A fleeting thought of hurt and sadness and wanting her to hug me came, but I told myself “you don’t need her”. Which made me even sadder. But then I remembered that by not giving her my phone I am breaking a rule which gave me a weird satisfaction. I almost wanted her to spank me so she can now see that I will not cry anymore.

She’ll see how tough I can get.

Robin 7

by annaffd, posted in Robin

(2019, long before COVID – I have a couple of old posts that I hadn’t gotten to before)

I had classes until late in the evening and then went to her place afterwards. I was extremely sleepy and I kept imagining the promised cuddling and falling asleep in her arms. I hoped that she had forgiven me for not revealing all the details of my health problems. Although I suspected that on top of lying to her, there was also the fact that Selena, not somebody else, but my long loved Selena, knew something that I hadn’t told her. I had hoped that she would mention it, so I can explain that Selena knew because she didn’t give a rats arse about it. Well, I was planning to phrase it differently.

She was reading some research papers at the kitchen table and had a half-empty glass of beets, apples and carrots juice in front of her. The full one was awaiting for me.

She patiently let me take a shower and change into PJs. I sensed by the way she greeted me that we wouldn’t go straight for the cuddling. I took my time getting ready. As I was entering the kitchen she checked her watch. I knew that wasn’t a good sign.

I kissed her for the juice. She had a very mysterious look for someone in the middle of reading a research paper. I drank the juice, but then I just couldn’t keep quiet any more.

-Honey, I am sorry I didn’t tell you… I was afraid that you would worry and that you would come, and then I would be disgusting, forever. I mean, I know you are doctor and you see all kinds of stuff, but you don’t sleep with those people… So… if I became disgusting, you wouldn’t be able to love me. I don’t even notice when you get your periods. You are perfect! – She grew sadder as my speech progressed. – I am sorry…. – I was glad that she didn’t say that she wouldn’t be disgusted because it would have felt like a lie. But, she wasn’t saying anything. Anything at all, just looking at me like she is seeing something deep inside me. I wasn’t sure she liked what she was looking at…

-Sonia… – she finally spoke – whatever I say won’t seem real to you because of your inexperience in relationships, so we will just have to live through it. And …

– No! I could never let you…

– Sonia! – That sent chills down my spine: maaan, she didn’t like to be interrupted! – You told me that you had imagined that a relationship like this is just a blog-fairy tale, right?

-Yes..

– And, yet, here we are. We both have to let each other in. I am not perfect, and it scares me that you think I am. For example, you don’t seem to realize that I am deep in perimenopause… and my periods aren’t what they used to be and they are far between. That’s why you don’t notice them. – I hadn’t even thought about it. Although she was Selena’s age, and I knew that Selena had lost her period a year ago, I hadn’t connected the dots. But it didn’t matter. My heart was screaming that Robin is perfect just as she is.  –  Both you and I know what happens when you idealize someone – she continued – and I could also wonder if you love me or you are just in love with something you projected onto me.

– I love YOU! –

– Babe… both of us know that it can feel like that.

– I doooo looove youu – I didn’t know how to explain to her that I am not idealizing her, that I truly see her… and that she IS perfect to me! I see her wrinkles and I adore each and every one of them, they are sexy to me, and make her seem wise and powerful. I love her hands… I love everything about her body… I see that she cares a lot about being right, I see that she reads up on all new research because she couldn’t stand not knowing something…. I heard her speak French with a thick accent and it sounded a bit funny… I don’t like that she sometimes keeps deep emotions hidden, but I believe with time it could change and I also love the hurting part of her… And she isn’t into spirituality as much as I am, but I love that because maybe… I might, some day, be able to offer something to her instead of just receiving… that is if I apply the spiritual stuff in my life and not just have the concepts…. and really she is so much better in the practical, down to earth stuff, that maybe I’ll get more grounded… So, she is perfect even there… But how do I explain all of this and so much more without it sounding that is just about those things I mention…?

– Sweetheart..  – she stood up and took my face in her hands.- I know. And I love you, too. And I accept you, you who you are, completely. – she wiped a tear from my cheek,  and I could see that she was getting teary, too. Then, she sighed. – And you will just have to experience it because I will not let you go through that hell alone next month. – With that she hugged me and I wrapped my arms around her and I felt truly accepted and loved, but then a thought came to my mind: What if she just said it? Isn’t it too early for normal people to say that they love someone? I said it, but I am not a normal person… Doesn’t it usually take much longer? Was she lying to me? I wanted it to be truth. Yes, she wouldn’t be holding me like this and talking to me like this if she didn’t love me…

When her perfume got into my head and I started gently kissing her, she gently pushed me away.

– Sweetie, you know what I think about consistency, and we agreed, that you are getting a spanking tonight. Then, we can get a fresh start on honesty, and the cuddling I also promised.

-No!!! – I whined as I tried to hug her again, but she just patted me on the butt.

– Come on, honey, let’s go upstairs.

-But, I don’t want to! – I lifted up my head wanting to plead with my puppy eyes. My move made her smile a little. She cupped my cheek with her right hand ever so slightly, and the strictness in her voice was at the same time so kind:

– I am not crazy about it either – she sighed – but you deserved a big punishment for not cleaning the slate yourself by admitting. – she put her hand on my shoulder as if to softly push me toward the stairs: -Come on, let’s finish it and …

-No! I won’t go, and I won’t let you go. – I wrapped my arms around her tighter in a fit of … stubborn “toddlerism” or whatever it was. She was surprised and I think she didn’t know what to do for a second. She kept hugging me, then kissed my shoulder and patted me on the butt.

-Come on, hon …

-No… – I whispered and just held her tighter. She held me gently and I could feel so much love beaming from my chest and I felt so safe, and warm, and loved. Her arms seemed like the most wonderful place on Earth. If I could have chosen what to do for the rest of my life, it would have been to stand there just like that hugging her.

About a minute later she slowly let go, but I was still holding onto her.

– Sonia, if you don’t stop this silliness right now, you will get extra punishment for it. -She said as she gently stroke my hair. – Come on, don’t make this more difficult than it is.

-I don’t want to let go of you and this moment! – I said it, and I guess some small part of me was aware even at that moment that I longed for that kind of physical closeness that we had shared a couple of minutes earlier and that I wasn’t ready to have it be over so soon, and although the other part of me was screaming my head off saying that the cuddling is coming just after the spanking, I wasn’t letting go.

Then she sighed and straightened up and it felt like she was getting tired of the “toddlerism”, but I simply stopped thinking about the consequences and logic.

-I will have to spank you right here if you don’t let go… – she finally got fed up with me. – Sonia…?!

She sighed deeply, released herself from my hug enough to pull my PJs down and started spanking, with me clinging to her side like a child.

Either because it was a bad position, or because she wanted it to hurt a lot as soon as possible, she kept hitting the same spot over and over again, and very soon it stung like hell every time her hand hit my bottom. Finally, I flung my hand to protect the spot and backed away.

-It hurts!

-I wasn’t playing with you! Upstairs!- She pointed her finger, but I didn’t move. For a second she tilted her head to the right and then she turned around, took a spatula from a drawer and started walking towards me. I finally got to my senses and wanted to turn around to run upstairs. However, my PJs were still down to my knees and almost made me fall. I grabbed onto the kitchen table, but that was enough for her to catch up with me.

She grabbed my elbow and pulled me towards herself as she practically sat on the table and started spanking. My feet were trapped in the PJs so I couldn’t kick as much as I wanted to, but nothing was stopping me from bawling: Rooobii–iiin… Ooowwww– hoooneeeeyyy- pleeease — i-i-it’s enou -ough honeyyyy… I wiiilll neever liiie agaaaiiin… oooowwww….and I – I will never be-ee stubborn… I just waa-aanted to cuddle…. Robiii-iiin… – She kept my upper body pinned to the table, and simply wasn’t losing pace. Then, for a second I thought she had stopped but it was only to hook her fingers and pull my panties down. She knew how much I hated the bare bottom spankings.- NO! no… no .. Roooobiiin – I tried to cease the moment and move, but my legs were between hers and she gave me a half a dozen of very hard smacks to keep me from moving.

-You. must. learn. what. happens. when. you. lie. – I was so surprised that I could barely catch my breath enough to give her a sobbing :

-I’ve leeearned…. I pro-miii-se… – the spatula kept stinging…

-What. will. you. do. the next time. you. feel. like. lying?

-I’ll teee–eeell the truu—th, owww….. honeyyyy…

-What. if. you. know. it. will get you. a spanking? – with this she stopped and rested her hand on my back. Only my sobbing could be heard.

-I won’t eee-ever deserve a span— king aaa–gaain…

-Oh… – she let out a small laugh – you will, sweetie…but will you try to lie to avoid it? – she patted my soooo vulnerable butt cheek and I winced.

I didn’t want to start lying right away because the pain and the emotions were too much. But if I had a chance to avoid this, how could I forsake it and tell the truth…?

-But you’re gooo-ing to spank me anyhowww… – I wasn’t being cheeky just logical. However, it was a wrong move. The spatula was back for another dozen or so smacks which felt way too hard – Robiiii-iiiin… Plee-eease…

She stopped the smacks.

-Yes, but I would spank you twice or twice as hard depending on when I find out. For example, I would be continuing with a belt right now if it was twice as hard. – I was horrified and I tried to turn around and look at her. She let me and added: – And, you’d also be grounded. – She seemed so serious and determined, there wasn’t any wavering in her expression. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. In a confused breath, I muttered incredulously:

-But,… then you’d be cruel… – I looked into her eyes and I just didn’t see it. I saw strict love, but love nonetheless, not somebody who would attack that sore butt with a belt.

-No, then I would love you enough to make sure you don’t make the same mistake again and possibly endanger your life.

-But… but… – I still couldn’t accept that she would be able to hurt me that much… I saw images of bruised bottoms, of bottoms with stripes that are the color of scabs… I looked at her again and I just couldn’t connect those horrifying images with her eyes. She was looking at me patiently, but gave me a stern prompt.

-You do have a choice: not to lie to me.

There was a struggle inside me. I couldn’t say yes to someone treating me like that because I couldn’t see that as love. She had a puzzled expression and I had a thought that maybe I really could choose not lie to her and then everything would stay the same.

-O-kaaay… – I acquiesced sobbingly and felt so vulnerable. It was a very different feeling. Until that moment, I had been convinced that I had let go of control and that she was totally in charge, but agreeing to that rule with a part of my belly still pressed against her thigh, my legs between hers, her hand holding my back, and me turned around just enough to be able to look at her and see how serious she was… … I felt exposed and absolutely in her control. It’s like… before this there was something playful in the way I saw spankings…

Anyhow, she wasn’t satisfied with my answer. She obviously saw how important this moment was.

-No, I need you to promise me and to accept the rule of getting double the punishment if you try to hide something or if you lie about breaking another rule.

-I prooo-miise and I … … – the words just wouldn’t come out. I tried to look into her eyes and I wasn’t sure what I was seeing… She was so serious…. I looked back into the table. – and I … I accept the rule.

I think a part of me also felt defeated.. There was something about agreeing to rules… and those images in my head… as I was finishing the sentence I turned around to go back into position quietly sobbing. I must have looked miserable because she pulled me up to stand in front of her. I was looking down at her hands holding mine. She said:

-Talk to me. – I just sighed. I didn’t know what to say.

She brought up one hand to lift my chin gently and make me look at her and for some reason I started crying again. It just burst out of me.

She held me until I calmed down and I managed to say the thought that I realized was the trigger of the emotions.

-If you could be cruel that would mean that you don’t love me… – I said into her shoulder.

She immediately became alarmed and held my forearms to push me away so she can look into my eyes.

-I wouldn’t be cruel. What do you even mean by cruel?

-you know those butts you see online that are bruised or with stripes or welts that are almost bleeding or like the color of scabs… – after a long silence she finally spoke:

– I can’t promise I will never give you a bruise or two. There are techniques used to prevent that from happening, but it happens. However, if you deserve a harsh spanking I will put a gel on after it, maybe even have you sit on an ice pack, but I assure you that my intention will never be to have this bottom like in those pictures.

As she was talking I felt more and more reassured and sighed deeply a couple of times. She wiped my tears away and hugged me. Then she patted, well, more like smacked my behind lightly a couple of times.

-Let’s put some gel on it right now.

I wanted to talk and to cuddle but I fell asleep before my skin fully absorbed the gel.

ANNA AND NATALIE 3: PAYING FOR BAD CHOICES

by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

I woke up with a headache. My sinuses stuffed and throat sore. I probably had fever. I knew I had to go to classes because of the ones I had skipped without a real reason. For a moment there, lying in a comfortable bed I thought: What the heck. I don’t care even if I fail… But then I heard Nat going down the stairs and I knew I wouldn’t be able to face her if I failed. I mean Mom would be difficult too, but she knows me. She knows I was a mess underneath those As. But Nat she doesn’t want to see the mess I am. She wants to believe I am brilliant. Just looking at her eyes and telling her that I failed..… oh… I had to get up.

Trying to pretend I felt better then I really did, I got ready and decided to skip breakfast so Nat wouldn’t notice anything. Of course, she has a freakin’ sixth sense.

-Hey, Nat- I stood in the doorway and blurted quickly: -I have to hurry… overslept. We have a discussion class…- And I started for the front door.

-Aren’t you going to eat before you go?

-I’ll grab something on the way- I sent her kisses and went for the door again

-Are you getting sick, honey? Wait a second.- She was walking towards me.

-Yeah, I think I might be. Don’t get too close though – the third one’s a charm, my hand on the doorknob…… or not. I felt her hand on my shoulder. Her eyes locked with mine the moment I turned around.

-Is everything OK? – but the suspicious tone was gone when she took a good look at me. Her hand on my forehead. – You have a fever, sweetie! You should be in bed. You really should go back. – when she saw that I am not moving, she continued – You are allowed to be absent 3 times per semester, right? if justified… – (yeah, I knew and used it all up already) She turned to go upstairs under the impression I was going to follow.

-Nat, I don’t feel that bad. I’ll just go to the first two classes and then I’ll come back. It’s really important I am there.

-Are you sure, sweetie? – I thanked God she doesn’t think as sharply as usual when she is worried.

-Yeah…- I wished I could hug her. But didn’t want her to get sick too…

****

The day was so long. I was about to fall asleep the whole time. My head was heavy. I felt cold, chills all over and just longed for my warm bed. The classes dragged on. Linda would get me tea on the breaks and I would put my head on my hands and try to rest at least a little bit. The medicine I took was not working at all. I couldn’t go to my doctor because he was our neighbor’s nephew and visited his uncle at least once every two weeks. I felt sooo weak. By the fourth class I started feeling dizzy and nauseated. And during the break I collapsed, in front of everyone!

Linda was too quick on the phone and next thing I knew I was waiting for Nat in the hallway. I was only thanking God the teacher witnessed the fainting and panicked so I was safe. Well, at least with him because he was the one who told me to go home and rest and that he would overlook my absence. Nat arrived, her heels making a sharp sound on the wooden floor. At the same time I was scared, I knew the scolding was inevitable, but also happy and relieved. I just wanted to cuddle.

-You told me you were going to come home after the second class- She stood in front of me. The dizziness was making her scarier than usual. I realized I had never been sick during the stay at her house. Must be the food she was making me eat. I half smiled. – Exactly what is funny?

-No, not funny. It’s just that … I am kind of dizzy…

-Should have obeyed and stayed at home, shouldn’t you?!- We were already walking and every part of my body felt so heavy and weak. I stopped and hugged her. I needed the comfort. Always a bit stiff when it comes to cuddling she put her hand on my hair and kissed the top of my head. I mumbled:

-I am sorry, Mom… Nat –   Whoa! I couldn’t believe what I had just said! I suddenly felt so guilty. I wished my Mom was there… She would have hugged me properly… but I still wasn’t letting go of Nat.

-Let’s go, honey-, she patted me gently on my butt.

****

Nat woke me up at about 8 pm. Mark, the doctor, was about to come (of course he couldn’t say no to her! It was soo obvious he was in love, I thought to myself) . I felt a bit better, took a shower and was even getting hungry. I came down the stairs, had couple of spoons of her famous green peas, but even sitting in a chair was just too tiring. I felt the fever rising. I checked when I went back to my room. It was 102 F! I couldn’t let them know! I’ll go for… 101? No… let’s say… 100.8. Yeah, that sounds credible.

Mark was taking notes and he wrote down the 100.8, but I wasn’t sure Nat believed me. I half expected her to tell me to take the temperature again. Mark seemed oblivious. I felt my lungs kind of hurting. The cough wasn’t terrible and I was trying to keep it down, mostly successfully.

-Look, it doesn’t seem too bad. Let’s listen to your lungs – (no..!!! I dreaded that and I was right) His face expression changed: – Hm.. this doesn’t sound right. Blood work is necessary and I think some antibiotics will be too. Maybe we should do an X ray as well…

My heart started racing. Blood work. Oh… I hate that. I hate needles. But.. at least he didn’t mention shots… that would be too much… and maybe if  I get better by tomorrow, maybe I’ll figure out a way to skip the laboratory. Wait what the heck is he doing. To my utter surprise he was pulling out the equipment to take my blood!!!! … No escape. Right there on the spot. Nat watching. No escape. Shit!! SHit ! SHit!!!

-Straighten your arm.- He had a soothing voice but I could see that neither of them realized that for me it wasn’t a routine blood work “it’s no biggie” stuff. He tied that thing around my upper arm and prepared the needle. I wanted to look brave. Nonchalant. Nat was taking the empty cups to the kitchen. Thank God! I could look away and brace myself. It hurt… ok it’s not too bad…. It’s going to be over soon… sooon… oh, come on Mark. OK… that’s done. I relaxed. Smile on my face.

*****

I fell back asleep in no time. Nat brought me one of her squeezed juices, the not so tasty beet one. It must have been midnight. She was probably working late. Or… staying up for me… I felt terrible seeing the circles around her eyes .She handed me the thermometer. I put it a bit further than my armpit in order to prevent the real number showing up. I had already devised the tactics. I’ll ask her for something when it’s about to start beeping and put it right so it shows something but not too much.

-Drink up, sweetie. – I got ready for the undesired taste, but she had put honey in this time and it was actually great! She gently brushed off the hair from my cheek. And then held the hand on my forehead. She was worried. – You’re burning up. How do you feel? – I felt horrible.    

– well.. ok. – I wanted her to just go and let me rest and go to rest herself. I remembered how my Mom would stay up all night and take temperature down by rubbing alcohol all over my body. I didn’t want that to happen. But at the same time I didn’t like that she took her hand off my face. I needed a gentle touch. I always do. The thermometer started beeping. Shit, I had forgotten to distract her and put it right. She made a move to pull it out. I panicked:

-I think I didn’t put it right

She continued pulling it out, looked at it and the firm gaze made a knot in my stomach.

-Kim told me you were afraid of shots,and that you would probably try a stunt like this… but this is childish Anna… – (She knew!! How did she see through me with such ease?) I felt embarrassed.

– I’ve known you since you were born! – she was cleaning the thermometer with ethanol – Did you really think you can pull something like that with me?

-Open up- she motioned to my mouth. I was appalled.

-No, .. Nat, I’ll do it right – My hand was left empty in the air.

-Anna, now.- She didn’t have to raise her voice. She had the coldest, ice tone when she wanted. I felt ridiculous with that thing in my mouth but I was starting to get too tired. Of course the fever had gone over 102.

– We have to take it down.- She took away my blanket. Soft warm blanket. I was freezing. -Take off the top

As if it wasn’t enough that she was pouring ice cold ethanol on my legs and feet. And as if it weren’t disgusting. I mean touching my feet! Yucky … The fabric of the T-shirt was hurting my skin. At least I have some dignity left with the undershirt. The alcohol went dry almost as she was beginning to rub it in. I could see she was worried but at that point I no longer cared. I just wanted to sleep.

****

It was a long night for both of us. I could hear that the phone woke her up.

-Yeah… I guessed so. Ahm. No, no, don’t worry about that I know how to do it. No, she’s not allergic. I know, God forbid… yes… of course. He can drop it off as well. Thank you so much!… Yes… I’ll let you know.

In a haze I wondered what it was that she knew how to do but I drifted off to sleep.

****

-Annie, honey, wake up. I have to give you a shot before I leave.- ( A shot! That’s a wake up strategy. Is she nuts!??) My eyes flung open to see her prepare the syringe and the needle … the knot in my belly grew tighter. – I will be here another two hours but we have to do it now in case you’re allergic. Come on, get ready.

She looked at me almost surprised that I hadn’t moved. What did she expect me to willingly expose myself to the needle?! I was like hypnotized. I felt the tears coming. The pending threat making my lips curl. She couldn’t believe it.

-Oh, Anna, come on! That is just too childish! You are not still afraid of a little prick.- She appeared to find it  funny. Well at least she didn’t look angry. – Anna, honey, come on.- She took away my soft blanket, my wonderful cover and protection and I was left in my panties and undershirt. I turned to lie on my back, my butt safe, and recovered my voice.

-Nat, can’t we… skip that…? – I was pleading and was about to start crying, my eyes already welled up.
-Anna, stop being a brat and turn around this instant. Don’t make me spank you before I give you the shot- She was menacing, but the needle was even more.

-Maybe… if I don’t have the fever anymore..(and I felt pretty good) maybe we could…- but she grabbed me by the waist and started turning me around. I wouldn’t give in.

-Fine.- She put the top back on the needle. Her knee on the edge of the bed, my butt was up in a second. She landed couple of quick smacks on the left cheek.“ooow!”

-OK, Now, relax your muscles- She was getting impatient, but I couldn’t, I was scared. – Anna! – I crossed the line, sick or not, wham, wham, smack.. I arched my back and my hand flew to protect my bottom. It ended up pressed against the small of my back. SMACK“owww”

-Will you be still and relax, now?

-uuhnn.. I ca-an’t – (Smack, smack, smack) – doo- don’t.. (smack )…uhhh …(.smack smack )Na— Nat …

My bottom was already stinging when she landed a few really tough ones.
– I (Smack) told you (Smack) to relax (SMACK). You will get the shot, you cannot evade  it. So let’s get it over and done with. With you everything has to be drama.

I felt so terrible.. and stupid… I tried my best to relax. The cold ethanol on the cotton… her finger clicking at the syringe, her hand pulling my panties  down (this is all so embarrassing ).

-Count to five and it will be over. And relax, OK, sweetheart?

She gently patted the spot and ouch!

-Count!

-UUUH.. one .. uhh two.. – I counted through the tears…- Make it faster Nat .. three.. uhh… four… uuhh five. It’s overrrr

-Almost, sweetie.- She pulled my panties back and set beside me stroking my hair gently. -Sometimes I think you’re a five year old in an adult body…
-I feel like that, too…- my sobbing was calming down. My bottom was sore in more than one way. I went for a hug and ended up head in Nat’s lap, she stroking my hair with love.
I wished I could stay there forever… and not go to university and face the professors.. and then… her… I couldn’t even imagine what she would do… 

ANNA AND NATALIE 2: SECRETS AND LIES PART 1

by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

Natalie hates laziness and I am a prime example of a lazy person. If it were up to me I would spend days and nights watching TV shows or reading novels, but mostly watching shows (guilty). I really don’t like exercising. I went to aerobic practice with her, because she insisted it was good for me, and I really wanted to please her and spend time with her, but after a while I just couldn’t exercise any more. It was boring and hard. Almost 20 years older than me she was jumping up and down, doing all the difficult exercises and kept saying how great she felt after the practice. I would stop and drink water, and take breaks to breathe. She let me off the hook a couple of times, but, then, I knew, she would start expecting me to be fitter and be able to go through the whole practice without stopping. The first time I made up an excuse I said I was going to tutor a high school senior on colonialism. She bought it. The next time my friend Linda had just come back from a long trip and wanted me to come over. She swallowed that one as well. Then I had my period. That one was true.

After a couple of days I called her from university saying I had some extra reading to do. She approved of studying though she noticed that I had been inside, sitting the whole day and that a little air and exercise might help me think better. I was feeling lazy and even though I really planned on staying at the library and doing some reading for a test I figured… Some air would really be good. So I started walking home… air would be good but a movie and ice cream would be perfect. I saw the lights were off and decided Nat must have already left. Her car was gone.
The joy overwhelmed me. I felt free to be me. Lazy… sloppy… sweatpants,.. lying on the couch … just me as I am… but then I realized that I was happy for allowing myself to be lazy I wasn’t happy anymore. I needed that ice-cream to forget how despicable I was. I didn’t care much about the movie. I overate and I was thinking that I should actually throw up because those calories would pile up quickly if I didn’t.

I didn’t think I was bulimic, because it wasn’t an everyday thing, but still I didn’t want anyone to know. Vomiting is disgusting. And plus I felt sleepy and I couldn’t go to sleep with my stomach full. I’d get fat… My mood was becoming progressively worse and I was sorry for not going to the practice.

The phone rang. Natalie! But the practice wasn’t supposed to have ended! I sat straight. (She knows when I talk to her lying down.)

-Hey, kiddow, how’s the studying?- She sounded cheerful and I loved when she called me kiddow. 

-Ahm.. not so well… I decided to go home actually.. I just… couldn’t focus – She paused. But the wonderful being that she is she decided to believe me ( or to pretend) and probably thought that maybe I needed to relax.

-Oh. Ok. I am here with Sandra. We are going for a light dinner so I thought maybe you’d like to join us?

Agrrrhhh, I would have been so tempted hadn’t I stuffed my face with ice cream. And plus, I missed relaxing time with Natalie. And Sandra is so funny and cheerful… but I am so not in the mood… aaagrhh… what to do… what to do…. Oh, I want to spend time with her…. aaa
– I’m coming. Wher’re you at?

I went to the bathroom. A quick ritual, washing the hands, fingers up my throat, ice cream out, brush the teeth, mouth rinse, drink a bit of it, eat a piece of bread,  mints ready, get dressed and I was out in 15 minutes feeling quizzy, weak and very angry at myself. By the time I sat down next to my Godmother I had swallowed like 10 mints and was pretty much full on sick. She was telling Sandra that I had been working real hard at the university and how tired I had been.

-Yeah, you look kind of pale.- said Sandra looking at me inquisitively. Damn, I thought to myself, hope I haven’t left any traces… Sometimes I get these tiny spots on my face and often my eyes are kind of red from the burst capillaries… shit… didn’t even check that. As if she were listening to my thoughts she turned to Nat: -her eyes seem … red, don’t they?

I reacted quickly.

– Yeah? They do feel strange. I’ll go check it out… – As I was trying to get up, Nat looked at me as if she were worried or suspecting something.

-Are you ok? –

-Yeah- I brushed it off with a smile. -I’ll just go wash my face. Get me a… Ceaser salad, k?- When I came back, everything ended with Nat’s:

-K?

-Yep- I smiled and hugged her. She patted me on the shoulder and they continued talking about work.

*****

When we came home she noticed that Love actually was on its 65thminute and commented that I had been enjoying my evening. I chose to mumble a “yes” and she chose not to say anything else although it was obvious that she was trying to control her temper. 

****

It was Tuesday. I knew I had to go to the practice, no excuses this time. Once there, I was in a bored mood. Slow to get ready, dragging my feet. I knew she hated it but I just couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to be there.

-You could try not to spread the negativity, you know? – She was already annoyed.

-I just don’t see the point in this

-You don’t see the point? – Shit, eyebrows were up and the stare telling more than I’d like to. I have to think of something.
-Well … I know you like it… and I know it’s good for me… but…um…um…- The coach saved me by putting the music on and the mental torture began. I kept saying to myself: “Come on. Just a little bit more. Aaa… it’s boring.. no, it’s useful… come on.. try at least. What if I form muscles over the fat and look even worse… Ah… No, I am burning fat… aaa…I can’t. I stopped to untie and tie the laces on my sneakers, to drink water,…

She half whispered: “Stop it!” and I, unintentionally !!!, rolled my eyes, …… big mistake! I saw the anger rising to a bursting point in a second. If we were alone I swear she would have slapped me.

-Do NOT.ROLL. your. eyes. at me! – I was already sorry but I also felt humiliated. I was there because of her, I thought to myself, and obviously “made a face”. She continued exercising and so did I. I decided I’d tell her that I’m quitting. We didn’t say a word to each other in the car. She pretended I didn’t exist, I pretended I didn’t exist….When we were both showered and she was heading for her bedroom I spoke.

-Nat, look. I am sorry for,… you know.. the practice.. for rolling my eyes… and…. it’s just .. for me it is stupid…( wooow should not have said that!)  I mean, I don’t mean….like that… it’s… I just feel tired and… I feel like eating even more when I practice… and it’s difficult… and I can’t wait for it to be over…

-Anna, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. You should have just said so.

-I know…but I was so happy when we started it together… and it was fun because we were together… and I loved sharing something with you, and spending time with you… I need that… but after a while the exercising…. it just became way too boring…and I couldn’t pretend anymore…

– It’s your choice. – She was cold and distant. I hated it. I felt like taking it all back. I felt like saying, “you’re right, I’ll go”. I would do anything at that moment to have her smile and hug me. And then it clicked in my head: wait a minute, she thinks you have to exercise to be healthy, how come she’s letting me go like that, doesn’t she care about me?! She was already at her bedroom door when I heard myself saying:

-Linda’s coming back from Switzerland tomorrow so I’ll go stay with her during the weekend to catch up. – The moment she turned around with a piercing look I knew I was doomed.

-And when did she go to Switzerland?- I hesitated. Should not have hesitated. My mind was racing. The fact that she’s coming back, doesn’t necessarily mean that she couldn’t have come back two weeks ago. The hesitation, the fear in my eyes gave me away. I looked down. Should not have looked down.

-You lied to me?- she was angry. I was sooo scared. Couple of months ago, I wouldn’t have been. Before that first spanking I would have tried to be cute and I would have tried to explain. But now it was different. It was as if some barrier broke back then and even though I felt we were closer and I felt her caring more deeply (or just showing it by making me do the things I should do but couldn’t push myself to do)… it was a scary place sometimes.

-I am sorry – I half whispered feeling like a 4 year old. The silence filled the room. I was too afraid to look up. She was approaching. I dreaded a slap on the face. I almost closed my eyes getting ready for it. She took my chin and made me look at her. I felt so helpless and so sad that I had made her angry. I bleated again: -I am sorry, Nat.

-The tutoring?- her voice was ice cold and my attempt to lower my head was prevented. The grip on my chin got tighter. – Last week’s studying? – a small voice inside my head told me to try and save at least that one… but I could barely breathe. – Get into your pajamas.

She turned away and hurried angrily towards her bedroom. I was sitting on my bed when she came in with a wooden cooking spoon. I gasped.

– Nat, please! I will exercise! I will never lie to you again! Please, please, there is no need – but she was arranging the pillows as if she were deaf. – Nat, pleeeeeeease! – the childish shrieking didn’t help.

-Stop it! Lie over the pillows.- I wanted to say that it was just way too humiliating and that I am not doing it. “I have my dignity. I will not do it. Not even for you. I love you but I will not be humiliated.” I stood up. I felt the courage building up inside me. I dared to look into her eyes and -booom! – the courage disappeared. I started backing towards the closet.

-Nat,.. come on.. I am … big…I am not a kid…

-If you were a kid you would be over my knees already. Lie over here, don’t waste my time. I have better things to do.- “Ok, now I was angry. She doesn’t get to be that cold and spank me! It’s either loving and caring or … or nothing.“”

-NO! – I crossed my arms and gave her the most defiant look I could muster.
What she pulled off after that was beyond me. She grabbed my ear and pulled me toward the bed. When the acceleration and the gravity started working her foot was on the bed and I was bent over her thigh, her arm around my waist keeping me still. Smack smack smack smack smack five or six smacks landed so rapidly on my bottom that I didn’t have the time to gasp after each of them but produced a strange sob like noise. It burnt even through the pajamas. I’d made her really angry. Smack smack smack smack… the right cheek was throbbing burning painful… she hit almost the same spot every time.

-Naa-aaat plea—a—a pleeeeaaaaaaaa- pleeese… dooo—aa- don’t! – smack smack smack..

-Lie where I told to- she released me.

-Please!!!!!!! I will do whatever you say! – I was holding my bottom and whining , but that did not produce the desired response. It seemed to irritate her even more.

– I said: lie over the pillows – I obeyed though I thought I would not be able to stand any more spanking…Smack smack smack And I thought those were hard! Smack smack

-PLeeee—se aaaaa.. it hurts oooowww… – … my bottom was on fire… I couldn’t stand it anymore…I tried sliding off the pillows and ended up on the floor by the bed kneeling, still half bent over the bed edge.

-Sit- she pointed to the bed. I sat slowly and still gasped out in pain. – Silence! – and with that she pushed my shoulder back down because I tried getting up.

-I am sorry. I will never lie to you again- I sniffled and sobbed…

– I hope so. – I thought I heard a bit of pity in her voice… I looked up but even through my tears I could hardly see anything gentle in her expression. Later I will find out that she was stopping herself from reaching out to hug me. – Now. You don’t have to go to aerobics if you don’t like it, but you will have to come up with some kind of exercise routine. The next time you lie to me, I will not be this lenient. (lenient!? She calls this lenient?! Is she out of her freaking mind? ) And, of course, you are grounded, so you can forget about going anywhere in the next 2 weeks. Understood?

-Yes…

Anna and Natalie 1 :The turning point

by annaffd, posted in Anna and Natalie

It was half past eight. Everything was calming down in the cold night. I was sitting in front of the computer screen as usual, but instead of writing my paper I was watching the Kardashians. My brain was in that half dreamy state when you just can’t focus on anything. I did try to write, but without success, so I figured that relaxing a little bit is better than going to sleep. If I go to sleep I most certainly won’t advance on the paper and if I relax … well, maybe…I was careful not to play the show too loudly because my Godmother was watching television in the other room and we had already had soooo many talks on how I should “Just do it”. She couldn’t understand what a curse procrastination was, she couldn’t understand how I “just couldn’t”. So, I was hoping that she would believe that I was being a good student. It was my first year at college and it felt a little too much. Much more difficult than high school where I was a star-student.

As I was watching the people in the show eating, I felt like taking a snack and, being in the Kardashians’ all’s basically happy and relaxed mood, naively, I thought I could sneak over to the kitchen unnoticed. By the time I got back my Godmother was in my room, sitting at the desk. My heart skipped. The nerves almost made me chuckle. The stupid nervous laughter was stopped by her stare.

-I really don’t know what to do… how to get through to you…– she never yelled, but most of the time she held a kind of a distance that would make me think she didn’t really care, like… she would repeat the same stuff, as if she wasn’t truly thinking about what she was saying, but saying it by default. Also, it sounded to me like she thought it was her duty or something, not like she honestly cared. This time, she was calm, but she looked at me in a strange way, and I could feel how present she was at that moment, how she was up to something. I started with the usual excuses…

– I know, Nat… it’s just that… I couldn’t write… I was just reading… and I didn’t have any ideas… and I felt kind of frustrated so I figured, I’d relax, take a break… Look, I’ll do it .. you know I’ll do it as soon as the deadline approaches… it’s just….my stupid… brain… it doesn’t work until… the last moment…. – Usually she would interrupt me right away trying to convince me that I am not stupid, and that I have to try harder, that I could relax when I had finished it, that it was all easy for me…and so on, as if I didn’t know the theory… But that evening the silence was menacing… She was looking at me with a stern expression for at least 10 seconds. I wanted to interrupt the silence but the unease was overwhelming. Finally, she closed the player, opened a blank Word page and stood up.

-Anna, I want to see at least three pages by 11.

My stomach curled up in a ball, I felt an “or else” more frightening than if it had been pronounced. A tiny voice of cheeky reason whispered inside me: “You are an adult,… come on..” As she was passing in front of me I started:

-But, there is no way I could write that.. I still haven’t read everything and…- and the door closed behind her. I stood there, chocolate chip cookies in my hand, and a very strange feeling in my stomach…Well, I thought to myself,.. I could try and write it… Brain fog gone, I sat at the desk and started thinking about the influence of capitalism on ecology…Everything seemed obvious. It felt like the last moment surge of energy. I started typing, just putting my ideas on the paper, but suddenly, I desired desperately to impress her, because, suddenly, I felt visible. Just like when I was a kid and she would come to visit us. She would talk to me, and I would philosophize and argue my points, and later when I was pretending that I wasn’t listening I could hear her tell my Mom that I was a genius and how much she loved me, and that she would have a kid if someone could guarantee that she would give birth to a kid like me. And I wished there was a way that she could adopt me, while I keep my Mom as Mom at the same time.

She has always been a goddess to me… I lived for her praise and loving words or a look. When she moved away I was 8 and I almost had a nervous breakdown. My Mom says I cried for days and I went on a hunger strike. And all that time, I wouldn’t speak to Nat on the phone because I was angry at her and I kept telling my Mom how much I love Nat and that I wanted us to move where Nat was. When my Mom realized that I could actually get sick she promised that we would move near Nat next year and that we would go visit her during the summer, so I calmed down a little bit. Time healed the wounds and my Mom kept postponing the imaginary move until I found another female authority figure to love – my teacher, and then I wanted to stay at the same school. But the essence of my emotions for my Godmother hadn’t truly changed, and after all these years I still wanted her approval and love just as badly as when I was a kid.

I heard Nat’s phone ringing and it brought me back to reality. “She will read what I write! SHE will read it! I have to make it brilliant and these ideas are just too obvious.” A rapid search for papers online began… I started reading but I couldn’t start writing… summarizing had always been so difficult for me… I felt so stupid.. and the “or else” was filling up my head.

What could she do? Not speak to me?? She wouldn’t kick me out of the house…right?… ground me…maybe? I don’t go anywhere anyhow… and… I mean she can’t take the computer away, I need it for the studies, and I bought it myself… A story came creeping into my mind… My Mom told me how she once witnessed Nat getting spanked by her mother…

Mom and Nat were about to leave the house, dressed for a party, when Aunt Felicia (who’s not my Mother’s aunt, but Nat and my Mom were so close that they kind of adopted each other as sisters) returned from the neighbors’ earlier than the two 19 year old girls expected. Aunt Felicia was very patriarchal and she wouldn’t have approved of many things Mom and Nat did. Seeing her daughter “dressed like a hooker” (quoting her) made her go ballistic in a second. “I had no idea what was happening”, my Mom told me. “I looked at Nat pale and scared, literally not moving as if frozen. Felicia went into her own room and the next thing I saw was Nat falling on the bed and belt flying through the air. Nat was sobbing in seconds and her thighs already had a few pink straps, the short skirt up on her lower back. I felt scared and helpless and… embarrassed… can’t imagine how she must have felt…” The belt was coming down on her mercilessly and she was crying out “Mo-oom… Mom… ple—ase”. Felicia didn’t say a word. When she was done I was crying as well, you know how Granny never even considered that kind of thing…I wanted to go and hug Nat,  but one look from Felicia and I was out the door, Nat kneeling beside the bed crying like a little child… As she opened the door for me, Felicia mumbled… “If I were your mother…”  I thanked God she wasn’t.

Nat told her the following week, ( she was, of course, grounded), that she couldn’t believe it either. The last one was when she was 17 and caught smoking… but it felt different, being still in high school…and this…”, she said…”‘ it was so humiliating … and at the same time like… I wasn’t… 15 or 10… it felt like I was 5….especially in the end. And when I went to straighten up in the bathroom and looked at myself with the makeup in black streaks on my cheeks …. I felt so ridiculous.”… that’s when my Mom, who’s never had any authority over me what-so-ever, tried to sound all serious and authoritative which looked ridiculous on her.

“Anna, I know how you adore Nat, she’s like the only aunt and godmother you’ve ever known and … I know you admire her… that’s why I consider it brilliant that you’ll be living with her, but be careful, hun… Nat is strict, you may not have seen that side of her, but trust me… I’ve seen it with her sister’s children…She is Felicia’s daughter… ”

My eyes slid to the bottom corner of the screen. Shit! It was 10:07! There’s noooo way I can make it!! Shit! Shitshitshitshit! Aaaaaaaaaa…Ok, I’ll focus and I’ll write something… anything… she will probably have forgotten that she’d told me it was by 11… I mean Nat is  forgetful…well about the things she promises to me… always hundred things being planned… Ok… but I’ll do it.. like… for myself.. it’s not like I am scared… or something…Ok, so… Capitalism produced overproduction…  no that’s a stupid sentence… the products are not there to satisfy needs but tastes… ah… everybody knows that… oh.. I have to write something good… something about planned obsolescence … and how it’s hidden in plain sight! 10:15…Advertising … advertising… oaah… I am so stupid! Why can’t I write…? I need references.. Ok, I’ll read and then I’ll just write when I have a clear idea.

10:48…. I had written one lousy page… OK, I give up… I’ll just go back to the Kardashians… she’s probably forgotten all about it, and tomorrow morning I’ll probably have some good ideas… Yeah… I should maybe write about how much an average episode of Kardashians affects the ecology… the jets, the cars, the luxury goods, the parties…

11:00 Nat entered the room with disappointment on her face and a belt in her hand. It was as if somebody yanked my guts, I felt I would pee right there… My lips started curling on the ends without my will…

-Nat… I tried…- I gasped for air… my voice went up, a shrieking pathetic childish…

-Yes, I could hear you trying though the door. – I closed the laptop almost without realizing, while looking at her the whole time. As if hypnotized. She continued:

– Obviously,… I have to do it… to wake you up before it’s too late… and I hate it…Come. (What does she mean??? What does she have to do!!??? I’ll pee, I’ll start crying.. I can’t move… I can’t even feel my legs… I am an adult I … am … an adult…. Say it… ) Anna, COME.

-I …am….I am no… Y-y -ou can’t… – She sighed… and walked over to me as if she had flown. She grabbed my upper arm and pulled me up like I had no will or strength. The belt burnt through my pajamas, once, twice. I yelped… it hurt! It went on… Sucking in air every time.  I was surprised… I thought it would hurt only after a while but she was strong and obviously skilled. – Nat… please…- I felt idiotic for begging…  I tried to release my arm, go couple of steps back to get to the wall when the she started to speed it up. I was over the table. It was so loud! And it started to really hurt! – Stop… pleeeeeasee…. I’ll.. wri….te …(she went on without a word or slowing down… That’s not how I imagined spankings… I had thought when you said you were sorry or promised… it would be over) I proooo … aaaaaaaaa…. I prooo … mise you… Nat .. pleeee…se pleeaaaaaaa.. aaaaoo….it huu-aaa–uurts pleeese-  After a couple of swats more she pronounced sternly and angrily: 

-It is supposed to hurt- and with this she pulled me up, tears streaming down my face. When I looked at her … so cold and angry and distant… the tears started flowing even faster … I wanted her to hug me and tell me that she still loved me… I wanted it more than anything… My own sobs and pleading echoing in my head. I felt as if I were 5. So scared, and small and in need of love and protection…

– Now go to bed. Tomorrow when you come back you will be writing in the living room. You will finish that paper by the evening.

I went for a hug. She stretched out a hand:

-No, you haven’t deserved it, Anna.- That hurt so much more than the spanking. She didn’t even look at me when she left. I was confused and desperate… Her words were on a loop in my head. “you haven’t deserved it, Anna”. I wished I could disappear. She was right, but… I felt so vulnerable after the spanking. Nothing even remotely similar had ever happened to me… If I had went for a hug under normal circumstances, ok, but after that….? She must hate me… I cried myself to sleep…

In the morning, I was having breakfast when she was leaving for work, and as she was passing by my chair she kind of touched my hair. I think she had wanted to stroke my hair and kiss me as she sometimes did before leaving, but she must have changed her mind. My heart skipped, when I felt it her hand on my head but then she continued walking and I got so overwhelmed with emotions that my eyes were full of tears within a second. I looked at her and she glanced at me when she was at the door. There was a slight twitch as if she wanted to move, but stopped herself. It happened so fast that I can’t be sure what it was but I think she saw me. Actually saw me. I think that there was an internal battle within her and I think the pride won. Still, she said gently and meaningfully.

– I’ll see you later, kiddo….

A rush of love and relief overcame me. I beamed a smile at her and I wanted to run and hug her but I stopped myself. She went out and closed the door. Her voice from last night started the loop again, but it didn’t have the same effect. I saw my behavior over the past weeks and I realized she was right – I hadn’t deserved the hug. However, I felt that I could deserve it that day. I went to the first class but I couldn’t focus. I wanted to write the paper. It felt like I wouldn’t have enough time so I skipped the rest of the classes and went to the library and started writing.

It was difficult to sit. Couldn’t quite say if it was itchy, or burning or painful or all of the above, but all of it reminded me so well of my goal. When I came home, there was no smile to greet me. She was distant the whole evening but I knew what I was doing. By 7 pm I was almost finished, the whole 15 pages. She was preparing dinner. It reeked of cauliflower. I hated it so much I felt sick, but I thought she would not make me eat it when she saw I’d finished the paper.

-Nat, I did it! I wrote it…- I said with a proud smile on my face while the printer was doing its job. I handed it to her. She went through it fast. I knew her powers and I knew she wasn’t missing anything.

– It’s very good. – she put it on the table and looked at me. – … did we have to go through that…?-

I felt guilty, my head hanging…  I whispered “I am sorry” and I really was… I looked up, hoping for a smile. I almost caught a strange expression, half smile half wondering… and love? was it love ?… but it vanished quickly. She sighed and got up:

– OK, the dinner is ready.

I felt what it meant. I knew there was no escape from it…. And… I felt it was going to be like that from now on… She will become the authority I had never had in my life, and… I knew I was supposed to be happy, because I she loved me enough to become that… and I knew she was capable of seeing further than Mom … and I knew that it was going to be good for me … someday… but I really hated cauliflower… So, I started pouring the food going around the hideous pieces although I couldn’t avoid the stench. She took the ladle from me and there it was, in my plate.

-But, Nat.. you know how much I hate it..

-I hated spanking you as well-… and then she added … – but if it could help you eat what’s healthy ,…- I was on the verge of tears. I looked up and there was the “no negotiations” face.
In three weeks my test scores went back up, almost all A’s and the situation was almost back to normal, except that I obeyed her far quicker than before and hugged her more than before… and she hugged me back! I felt as if she had truly adopted me, as if she cared more profoundly than before… and it was the love that gave me wings …well for a short time before I started going back to my old habits…