Dear friends,

(not a story)

I am writing this because I was starting to think about telling it all to someone in my real life and I know I would regret it. I said it once in a kind of therapy session and regretted it deeply because not only was she not able to help with anything, but now there is somebody with the power to out me and possibly ruin my life. I needed to share this with people who would know what I am taking about, at least a little bit. And if you could write your thoughts, experiences… I would really appreciate it…

I’ve spend 3 days fantasizing about discipline and spankings. Most of the fantasies were about a doctor I’ve recently visited. She is married and probably as strait and as vanilla as they can be, but I thought: what’s the harm in imagining stories in my head. It wasn’t even a physical turn on (my imagination can’t take me far down that path) I just loved spending time in the fantasy world. I must have spent more than 12 hours over the past 3 days imagining different scenarios… also some more time reading stories, writing, watching porn and YouTube videos about spanking. I somehow started to believe that I might actually find a woman similar to one in my fantasies. I thought about my body and how I could better take care of it to be prepared for that encounter, from saving for laser epilation to healthier eating and so on. I was energized. I felt hopeful.

After 2 good days of being in my own world, I watched Keenan’s series of YouTube videos about scenes from movies. I felt sick watching most of them. Too harsh, cruel, sadistic – for my taste, and none FF. She also talked about how she liked bruising and my mind went to all the videos I see when I try to find lesbian spanking porn. The scenes that look horrifying and utterly unloving to me – women with dark welts, deeply bruised bottoms, and other worse things like gagged, tied, humiliated… I used to think that people making the videos weren’t making them for spanking fetishists but for those with more SM tastes. But listening to Keenan I’ve realized that maybe most spankos would like watching that ( I mean apart from horrible acting and stupid dialog…I meant the spanking part of it and the use of implements I would find sadistic). And I felt I didn’t even fit in this world either. I was starting to wonder if I am a real spanko…

As you can probably tell from my stories, it’s the discipline, the scolding, the taking care of the bottom/brat that matters the most to me. One of Keenan’s guests, princess Kelly talked about the fantasy of being “saved” by someone and how many spanko’s get into trouble just so they can deserve a spanking. And really most my stories and fantasies are like that. In them I do things that I wouldn’t do at this age: like take drugs or do some dangerous things. Sometimes when I am trying to think of a plot for my fantasy, I ask myself: What would I actually do in real life if I was in a relationship? I believe I would be just too happy and wouldn’t even need to continue with many of the unhealthy habits like binge watching or overeating and sleeping too much, not tidying and cleaning the apartment. And I don’t think I would dare be bratty (like jealous or needy) or do anything that could jeopardize the relationship if I ever were in a relationship with a woman of my fantasies.

On top of it all, I’ve been reminded that being homoromantic spanko is even worse. I have the impression that there are many men who’d enjoy that kind of a relationship, even if they themselves were not only spanking, but sexually oriented. I think it is still a part of the culture that man like to be the boss of their wife – or maybe it’s only the traditional country I live in that makes me think so. Anyhow, I couldn’t stand a man trying to dominate me in any way, and I’d better not write about what I’d do to one if he tried to hit me.

Still for the lack of better scenes I re-watched the spanking scene in Outlander a couple of times, and seeing Claire’s bottom fascinated me more than Jamie’s face at the end of scene (when he is enjoying it) irritated me. Well, irritated is an understatement. I wanted to kick him in the head every time I watched the sadistic joy the actor so wonderfully portrayed.

After watching it a couple of times, I just longed seeing Claire so much that I started to binge watch the show, just so that I could see her bottom, her skin, … and then I got pulled in deeper and started enjoying the toughness and brilliance of the character, the looks she gives, how capable she is… But, as I was watching it, I started coming out of the fantasy mode of the past 3 days realizing I will never be with a Claire, let alone have a light domestic discipline relationship with somebody like her.

It feels like my life will never be whole. Like I will forever have to be just a part of myself. I am 35, and 5’10” and I don’t see how I could be a bottom now… I didn’t see it even when I was 25 but I had hopes. Moreover, I am getting visibly older by the day… I guess hormones are starting to mess with everything and I think I look at least 5 years older than last year, and I am gaining weight and the greys in the hair are appearing…

I have never been in any kind of relationship, and I feel like I never will and that I just have to accept it and figure out my life without love, without true intimacy and closeness.

It’s just that without it even if I focused all my effort on career or writing of making money or friendships (if they can be called friendships because they will never know half of me)… or spirituality… it doesn’t feel like it would mean a lot. I am quite good at blocking out this part of myself for at least 20 days a month. But even when I am not thinking about it, there is always something missing in my life.

Have any of you experienced anything similar… thought something completely opposite….? Please if you have any thoughts, anything you might be willing to share from your life, I would appreciate it very much.


15 thoughts on “Dear friends,

  1. I have had a lot of similar thoughts.
    I’ve read Keenan’s book and watched a few videos; I had trouble relating to her.
    I’ve also wanted to share my stories and blog with my real-life people, but I don’t want to explain or someone to judge me. And I especially don’t want someone to, as you say to out me. I’m not brave enough for that. Recently one of my best friends was in town, and I almost spilled the beans.
    As far as finding someone, I also wish to find that special one that makes me whole; but I wouldn’t know where to look. I’m almost sixty and didn’t find my kink until a few years ago. So I’m still not sure what I want.
    I hope you find someone special and believe me you are not too old or too anything. Although I’m not with anyone, I have always believed there is someone for everyone.


    1. Thank you so much for commenting! 🙂 🙂 Thank you for your kind words of encouragement! I hope you will find someone very very soon! 🙂 🙂
      And… I am not sure if it’s appropriate to ask.. so forgive me if it’s too personal… I was wondering what you meant by finding your kink only a few years ago… Was it that you didn’t know what you personally wanted exactly or you just didn’t know about all the concepts related to the kink and that there are others who have it, too? Also, and again I apologize if it’s too much ask… I was also wondering if you have ever had a relationship… Please disregard the questions if they are not appropriate…. 🙂


      1. Spanking is the kink I’m speaking of, and for me, it is relatively new. I didn’t grow up knowing it was something I was interested in like so many people that I read about on the internet. Strange as it may seem, I didn’t realize it was normal to have this interest, And I’ve only learned my interest from reading and now in writing. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s something I will ever have in real life.
        Yes, I have had relationships, but they never included spanking; I’ve been with some fantastic people, but as far as true intimacy, no I don’t think so. I think deep down; I always knew they weren’t ‘the one.’ so I never allowed myself to open up truly. Although now I’m more aware of my needs than when I was younger, thinking back, I’m not sure I was always honest with myself or about my needs. Or maybe the older I get, the more self-aware I’ve become.
        In many ways, I consider myself a late bloomer, which I find slightly awkward because, really, how do you incorporate everything you want into something substantial now.
        By the way, your questions are not too personal. I’m not used to explaining my feelings, so I hope I sound too out there.


        1. I am so sorry that the relationships you had weren’t truly intimate… Sometimes I wonder if true intimacy is possible… Yesterday I had a conversation with a person I deem pretty aware and wise who talked about love in romantic partners and friendships in general and she sounded so sure that true intimacy exists that it gave me hope. However, she is straight and I think “vanilla”, so her perspective maybe can’t be applied to us.
          Have you ever thought about which need the spanking (dd relationship) would satisfy for you? And, then did you have those needs satisfied in a different way in those relationships?
          I’ve been thinking about these questions a lot these days.


  2. I am someone who is also into F/F dynamics, and I really crave caring discipline more than severe spanking. I’m also 35 and I felt very similar to what you are describing- like it was completely impossible to ever find this in real life.

    It’s interesting that watching Jillian Keenan’s video triggered this for you somewhat. I watched one of her videos about a year ago, and that actually is what led me to finding a community of really great spankos. Since then I’ve gone to my first small spanking party, and made a lot of like minded friends- including others into F/F. I’m really nervous, but I’m actually meeting a nice but very toppy woman tomorrow for the first time in person. I say this because if someone told me that I would be involved in any kind of real life discipline dynamic a year ago, I would *never* have believed them, so try not to lose hope. There are more of us out there than you may think- and lots are into loving discipline. I also think that sometimes people are more comfortable talking about the physical aspects of spanking because it’s just less personal and vulnerable than talking about our emotional needs. I think even a good percentage of people who enjoy severe spanking scenes also like experiencing them within a safe and loving relationship.

    Are you apart of any spanking communities- online or in person?


    1. Thank you so much for sharing this here!!! It’s a wonderful news and I so hope you have an amazing time with the toppy woman!!! You comment really brought a smile to my face and hope into my heart! Thank you soo much!!! Oh, I so hope that meeting becomes one of the best experiences in your life!!!
      As for the emotional needs it’s a rollercoaster for me: I sometimes just try to tell myself to grow up and outgrow this. I think about the love the top would have to feel in order to care like that… Then I go back into convincing myself that there are people who like that side (top) of the dynamic… Then I try to go into acceptance and so on 😀 😀
      As for the community.. I am not part of any… I thought about paying whatever is the necessary fee to join Keenan’s discord, but after watching her videos, I thought that it might be the wrong move because of the lesbian part of my being. Were you part of that group? I mean was that what led you to meeting people and going to the party? (And please do tell what the party was like? 🙂 🙂 )
      I live in a small, traditional country. If there wasn’t for COVID I think I would have tried to apply for a tourist visa for the US (I guess a big city there would be the most likely place to meet someone), but with this situation everything got complicated both travel vise and financially.


      1. I’m sorry I never wrote back. I never saw your response until now. Yes, Jillian’s discord is how I started meeting people. I’m also on a discord that is for women into F/F. It’s been a long time since this was written, so I hope you have found some community. If not, I’d be happy to link you to the groups I’ve joined 😊

        There are people who genuinely enjoy topping, and even taking care of others. I’ve discovered that I’m actually a switch. So I both top and bottom to people. So far the parties have been great! I actually know some people in small, traditional countries who participate in this lifestyle. It’s easier now that Covid restrictions are less, so I hope you have found what you’re looking for 💜


        1. Thank you for the reply! Your words are encouraging.
          I actually still haven’t found a community, so it would be wonderful if you could link the groups! I am a bit scared to go to Jilian’s because I’d have to leave a trace on my credit card and people knowing about my kink could mean the end of my career…
          And, BTW, how did it go with that “very toppy woman”? 🙂 🙂 🙂


  3. I know it’s easy to wonder whether you belong in any world when suddenly it becomes about all sorts of stuff that just doesn’t feel like you…
    but at the end of the day, you need to be you.
    That’s what makes you special.


    1. I don’t know how it happened, but I am only now seeing this poetic anwer! “t’s easy to wonder whether you belong in any world when suddenly it becomes about all sorts of stuff that just doesn’t feel like you…” Wow! You know when you read the right words at the right moment! It just clicks. Thank you sooooo much! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Intimacy gets thrown into the conversation sometimes like it’s an added extra… an accessory. But it’s not. Intimacy is the bit that’s with us all the tine, seeing the colours of the sunset through our eyes, feeling the brush of long grass against our legs or the squeeze of nervous fingers linking with our own.

      It’s right there in the texture of all those moments, looking for a hug.

      Intimacy is the fabric of who and what you are. Asking it not to be hungry would be like asking the rivers not to soak up the rain from all those thunderclouds. There is a whole world full of sensible shoes out there, but in our hearts, we were born to get our feet wet.

      (or something like that)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I was just thinking about it! Just far less poetically than you did. And although I am searching for it in all the wrong places, cathing gimplses of it makes me feel more peaceful, but with a deep longing as well. I watched spanking videos on Twitter and in there with the bad acting and scripts, there are moments of intimacy. I sometimes pause the scene and enjoy the exchanged look, or I can almost feel the presence of both women while standing and the way it opens my heart makes me wonder: do I actuallly desire the spanking or just those intimate moments. And I don’t know if they would be possible without the context of DD in the way I imagine them…


        1. When I write in Jo’s voice, I love the scenes over Carly’s knee because it’s so much her safe place. So it totally needs that context. In some of the pieces, it’s like she feels she’s in Carly’s special custody when she’s otk.
          It varies depending on Jo’s passions at the time, but in some of the pieces, she’s not even getting spanked, just softly patted.
          I know there are people who would find that way too tame, but I love writing those pieces.

          You talk about not searching in the right places, but life throws us what it throws us and we all end up surprised where we find ourselves sometimes.

          Liked by 1 person

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