Author: annaffd

The first ten or so days with the job and schoolwork went in blur. At work I was so scared that I will mess up and that they’ll fire me, and that Nat will hate me, that I would stay longer because I’d work on a simple email for half an hour, I’d triple check things, and give my absolute best… well, the best I could under the pressure I’d put on myself. I hardly saw Nat. On the days we were leaving together, we’d chit-chat a tiny bit over breakfast and in the car already each of us was in her own thoughts. I brought her lunch twice but she was so busy she barely looked up.

I also met Matthew. Before she remembered to introduce us, I had taken some papers to him and he was very charming, which made him sleazy in my eyes. I wasn’t sure if he knew who I was or not, but if he didn’t know then he was kind of flirting. Not in a serious or actually sleazy way, but in a way that’s second nature to most …. hmm… “charming” people. A couple of days later I saw Nat and him in the hallway. He wasn’t taken aback when she introduced me, but I am not sure if it was because he had known or because he is a good actor. He just said:

-I know, we’ve met. – and in a bit of a dismissive way continued talking about a case. I didn’t have much time to observe them, nor did I fully understand what they were talking about, but he seemed to be lecturing her in a way. And she looked very serious and attentive. I didn’t like that balance of power, but he was more experienced and her senior so … I guess it was normal…

Studying on the other hand was way easier. I didn’t feel like every moment was life and death thing. Like if I make a mistake I’ll ruin my life. (yes, I am now aware how ridiculous that was and how much I had lost perspective, but at the time even a freakin’ lunch order was stressful).. It was almost relaxing to be in a class, take notes, and study. In the evenings, Nat was extremely tired. She sometimes even forgot to quiz me. When she did I would know the answer and she would stop after the first one. Once I even made a small mistake on purpose, just to see if she is actually paying attention, and she didn’t even notice. Even so, knowing that she’ll quiz me motivated me.

Finally, one Thursday Nat came home in a good mood and much earlier than usual. She seemed … happy. She decided that we should order in, and told me that she appreciated the chores and the dinners I had been making. (All of it was very simple stuff and she would never eat much of it anyway.) I joked :

-Oh, you appreciate it so much that you need a break. – she laughed and then looked at me all serious.

-No, really, kiddo. It meant a lot. And, now that I know you can make the squid rings and the broccoli-shrimp you’ll definitely be making dinner from time to time. Now, however, you can go back to focusing on studying. I hope you haven’t fallen behind….? – her tone was kind and gentle, a little bit guilty, and my heart was so open that I almost teared up… I lied with a joyful glow in my eyes and the widest of smiles.

-Don’t worry, I haven’t. – and I used the perfect opportunity to get a hug. This time she held me… maybe even whole 4 seconds!! And then she took my face into her hands.

-Are you sure?

-Yeees!! – I, again, smiled, but this time I was more aware that I was lying. I went for another hug, and got a couple of kisses in my hair. It was one of those perfect moments when you know the happiness isn’t going to last.

She pulled away and with a pat to my butt said:

-OK, now, scoot to study before Sandra comes.

I sat at the desk in the living room and started going through my notes from that day. Weirdly, happiness about Nat was distracting. The thoughts about why she was so happy especially. Was it because of Matthew? Was is because of that problematic case? I couldn’t wait for Sandra to come so I can find out everything. Suddenly, I felt as if I was coming off of an emotional high.

Also, … I know this is going to sound really bad, selfish…. ah…. It doesn’t even feel right writing it… but… I missed our old dynamic. I liked it when I was the kid and she was the adult.

I mean I enjoyed being able to offer something, like the chores and cooking, I enjoyed being able to make her life at least a tiny bit easier. But at that moment while I was sitting at the desk I suddenly felt exhausted, not so much from the physical effort but from the psychological one. I was constantly worried that I had made a mistake at work, or that I’ll ruin her laundry or that she didn’t like what I had cooked, or that she would come home before the dinner was ready, or too late when it was cold… I wanted everything to be perfect and it felt like I wouldn’t even know if it wasn’t. There wasn’t an immediate feedback if I was doing something wrong. A stern look, you know. She wasn’t present, hell, even I wasn’t. It felt as if the time had sped up and now it came to a screeching halt.

On top of everything, my confidence seemed to be deflating. I had thought I had it all well handled, but that day a professor had reminded us about a paper, and I also remembered that I had the first quiz of the semester the following week. I hadn’t handled it well at all… and suddenly I was so sleepy…

It was as if someone had put a spell on me. In 15 minutes that Nat was gone upstairs I had managed to go from “I am so joyful I could skip around” to “I just want to go to bed”.

Her voice snapped me out of it.

-Sandra is about to arrive. I’ll quiz you when she leaves, ok?

-Now!? – I thought I had at least two hours. – But, Nat, I didn’t have time to study today! – I said in a panicky voice.

-Oh, – she realized I was telling the truth, I had 4 hours of work and then 2.5 hours of lectures. – All right. Then, just go to your room, learn a couple of pages and come join us whenever you want.

I went upstairs, but I didn’t want to miss all the juicy stuff they’ll talk about in the beginning while they are catching up. As soon as I thought that they had settled down I snuck out of my room. I wished for the Weasly brothers’ magical ear so I can hear them better. Maybe I could set up a baby monitor the next time… ( I know both brats and Tops had a sharp inhale at the thought of her finding the baby monitor, but at the time, I hadn’t even thought about it). But, now, I had to go half-way down the stairs.

-Yes, he wanted to go last weekend but I had to work. He is complaining that he doesn’t get to see me as much since Anna’s been here. – She said as if she was talking about a sweet little boy and not about a man who is asking for sex! For a split second I got angry but then my heart sank heavy with sadness. She will never be my other Mom. I will never be her daughter. She will never be just mine… I felt so alone. As if there was no one in the world. And I felt cold. I guessed Mom had asked her if I can live with her while in college because of my …. … self-harming, hysterical … whatevers… while I was in high-school. I knew that she was afraid of how I’d handle college pressures, but imagining a dream where Nat would be like my other Mom and then being almost nothing but a burden to her … it was cruel. I mean, I did it myself. Nobody else dreamt it….

I carefully went back up to my room.

I must have fallen asleep while crying. Nat was sitting on my bed, stroking my hair.

-Anna, the food is here. – I wasn’t awake enough to control the flood of emotions. Seeing her there after “losing her” in my head and having felt her gentle touch, triggered the waterworks. I hugged her and the sobs came out. I had temporarily forgotten that I mustn’t be weak, that I had promised myself I’d never cry in front of her.

-Hey, sweetie, what’s going on? – she tried to pull me away to look at me, but I wouldn’t let go of her. As if her voice, although very loving, had refreshed my memory, I scrambled to think of an excuse. At the same time love and sadness coursed through every cell in my body.

-I dreamt… you diiiieeed … – I lied between the sobs.

-Oh, kiddo, – she said while stroking my back – shhhhh it’s ok now. I’m here.

I could tell that she was smiling.

-I love you – I whispered. She sighed,

– I love you, too, kid. – She kissed my hair, and hugged me. But her emotions last so little. In a couple of seconds she was pulling away again.

-Sandra is waiting for us. – she was wiping my tears and looking at me as if deeply touched, but not exactly sure what planet I came from.

-Ok. I’ll be down in a bit. – with a sigh, she got up and left.

I couldn’t resist but eavesdrop again. I know it’s not nice, but only when Sandra was there I got to have a peak into Nat’s mind. I never knew what she was thinking, and I desperately wanted to know…

-Can you imagine? Just going off like that, and to the UAE no less, without knowing anyone!

What? I definitely didn’t expect that line of conversation. She was in my room 5 minutes ago. How did they get there?! Was Nat talking about me wanting to go off to college to Arab Emirates because… well… There was this professor I met at a seminar while junior in high-school, and I kind of had a … a crush on her.. That’s not exactly how I presented it to Mom, so I don’t think Nat knows it was a crush. I don’t think she even knows I am a lesbian…

-She is so naive! – Nat continued – Do you know how many times she lent her savings to so called friends and never got it back. The moment someone shows her kindness… What she thinks is kindness!… she gives them her heart on a platter. I have to toughen her up!

-Or maybe she needs to soften you! – Sandra teased

-No, – Nat was determined- she can’t go through life that vulnerable. And gullible! What Simon said about her coworker… Honestly, three kind words and she’ll do whatever they ask.

What? Well, I did accept to help a coworker. She had some problems with her kid, so I figured I could help her out once… Was I being gullible?

-Well, maybe if she got more kindness from you… – Sandra tried to interject, but Nat cut her off.

-No! She got all the kindness and understanding from Kim. What she needs from me is discipline.

-Agrh! – Sandra was jokingly exasperated – You are horrrible!

They both started laughing.

I had a lot of feelings. I felt love for Sandra because she stood up for me, and tried to reason with the scary Goddess. Although,.. I think Sandra had much more down to earth view of Nat, unlike my Mom and me. I also wanted to scream at Nat that that’s not what I need from her, but a part of me knew that it wouldn’t be true. I yearned for structure and discipline my whole life, someone else to be in charge so I don’t have to push and torture myself… all by myself.

What I hoped for, however, was that she would get that I definitely need more kindness and cuddling from her. Even though her subtext was that I am basically stupid, I felt that she loved me and wanted to protect me – and, for me, that was enough at that moment.

I came in happy, I hugged Sandra with the warmest of hugs. It was more than the usual amount of affection and, when I think about it, she probably knew that I had overheard the conversation, but she was gentle and hugged me back with the same warmth. Then I turned to Nat, but she had a “don’t ” face:

-Sit, we’ve been waiting for you to eat.

So I just sat down. Sandra half whispered:

-We wouldn’t want her heart to melt, would we? – and we both giggled

-I heard that!

The dinner was relaxing and fun. We joked. Not on Nat’s expense.

She also informed me that she’d be going away with Matthew for the weekend. Thank God, I had already known about it because I would have made a face for sure. This way I could smile and calmly ask:

-Oh, that’s cool. Where are you going?

Also, I knew she thought I needed discipline, so she wouldn’t let go of me that easily.

*****

As soon as Sandra had left, she told me to bring my books. I just stood there wondering if I had maybe remembered enough from the lecture to risk it (so I turned around to walk), but I had a feeling that tonight won’t be like the previous nights. This time it will be a real quiz. (I stopped again) So, maybe I should just come clean and not waste more of her time.

-Nat… – I turned around again to see her arms crossed observing me.

-Yes? – Why was she that angry?! A couple of hours ago she was so chill about me not having had time, and she knows I had fallen asleep instead of studying. What changed? Oh… I realized… “what Simon said”…

-I … didn’t really study much today. – I resigned myself to whatever was coming. All of a sudden I just didn’t feel like I had the energy to do anything at all.

-Why not? – you know when someone is asking you questions, but they know the answer; they just want you to admit something.

-I didn’t have enough time, and then I fell asleep….

-How come you didn’t have enough time? You have two hours between work and lectures. Without the commute it’s still almost an hour and a half. – I stayed silent. I could feel that I am not going to like this conversation and I was sensing spanking danger.

-I..ummm… I stayed longer at work…. – her eyes questioning me, I just continued : – A co-worker asked me for a favor and it was supposed to be 2 quick things, one of them on your floor, so I gladly accepted it.

-Wait. – she interrupted me – You gladly accepted it because it was on my floor?

-Ummm…. – realizing that that had made her angrier, I tried to lie : – well, no… but, I hadn’t seen you … so… I … I didn’t accept it because of that… it’s just like an added …bonus…

Then I continued as if put on 2x speed:

– I mean, she needed help, and it was supposed be quick, but then one of your colleagues asked if I could edit a couple of emails, so I did, because my co-worker had already left… and it would have been her job to sub for his assistant… and that’s why I had to stay more than an hour later. – I finished abruptly.

-Well, then, you made a choice and now there are consequences.

-Nat…

-No, you need to figure out what your priorities are. Bring your books. – There was no room for negotiation.

By the time I brought the books she had in front of her the folder with all of my lectures’ calendars and study plans.

By a stroke of luck I remembered the first two answers from the lecture. Then she asked another one which I kind of knew. But the fourth one wasn’t in the lecture or at least I didn’t remember it.

It was as if she had been waiting for me not to know, she asked another one from the same page and closed the book with a snap when I didn’t know it.

-Not good enough, Anna. – there was a pause with silence somehow amplifying her words. She got up and opened the wooden-spoons drawer. -Come.

Her anger was so out of proportion with what was happening that I was more surprised then worried. It felt as if there is someone else in her body. I wasn’t even afraid of the spanking.

-Since you did know something and it was I who invited Sandra for dinner, this one is not going to be a full version of what you’ll get the next time. Understood?

-Yes… – I said standing next to her and observing her intently. I think that was disconcerting to her. She put the spoon on the table next to my book.

– You have 5 minutes to read these 3 pages. Every wrong answer will earn you a minute over my lap.

With that she left and I was more concerned with what me being over her lap would be like than with reading. She had spanked me over her knees only once, and I wanted the closeness.

Thankfully, she gave me full 15 minutes, so even with my thoughts all around the place I managed to read the pages twice, and I was confident that I’d know a good 60%-80% of what I’d read.

She came back as if from a strange reset. She was tired and I think not in the mood to quiz me or spank me.
I mostly knew the first two questions.

-And the third one… – she said as she was skimming the page. I almost laughed because I had the idea that I could just make a mistake even if I knew just to see what she’d do. I can take a minute over her lap. I felt like I was floating above both of us and the whole situation seemed so ridiculous. I barely contained laughter and I lied that I didn’t know the answer.

It was so funny to see her struggling. On one hand, she is a stickler for rules and promises, and on the other she didn’t want to do it.

Her freakish willpower overcame the fatigue. As if searching for extra fuel she glanced at the folder with the calendar.

– I assume you are almost done with the paper you have due in 10 days , which means you need to hand it to me by Sunday evening.

The cheekiness dissipated from my head. I hadn’t even started on it. I hadn’t read anything, and let alone written.

-Yeah , I should have it by Sunday evening. – all of a sudden I was so tired and I regretted not answering the third question correctly.

-Ok, then. Come here. -She pointed to where she was standing. There was no “lap”. I don’t really know why I blurted it out. I mean a part of me just wanted to go to bed, but obviously the cheeky part was just hiding, not really gone.

-But you said over your lap!

-Anna, I am really tired, so please don’t make this more difficult than it has to be. Come. Here.

-Noooo… You promised! – I whined.

-What?! – she seemed unable to understand what she had promised. She sounded so tired, and if I had been more present, out of love for her, I would have just approached her and let her spank me with the wooden spoon, but I was tired and weirdly in a bratty mood, which I would not have displayed in front of her under normal circumstances.

-You said that for every question I got wrong I’d get a minute over your lap. – She was looking at me as if she couldn’t understand what I was saying and then it dawned on her.

-You did it on purpose! – with the understanding the anger was coming back and tiredness seemed to vanish. A transformation was happening right in front of my eyes. She straitened even further than usual (she always stands straight but somehow there was more).

-So, you were testing me. Very well. You will not like the result. – She stormed upstairs.

Now I was the one who didn’t understand what was happening. Was she going to bring something? The belt?!! I regretted my choices very deeply at that thought.

As I heard her come down the stairs I started whining again.

-Nat, I am sorry! I don’t know why I did it. I was…- she appeared with a hairbrush in her hand – … tired…

She grabbed my wrist with the other and led me to the couch in the living room. However, she proceeded to get a high chair and put it next to the couch. After she had sat on it, she finally spoke.

-Come. – I approached her and started begging:

-Nat… I am sorry. I don’t know why I did it… please don’t be angry…. – She totally ignored everything I said and pulled my sweatpants. She was careful not to pull my panties down with them which was a tremendous relief because that would have been just too embarrassing.

-Over my knees.

I obeyed, already on the verge of tears. MY upper body rested on the couch and my feet on the floor. It was not a comfortable position, but her lap definitely was there. She adjusted her legs a little bit and without a warning or a warmup she started swating with that horrible hairbrush!

-Naaat…. oooowww… I am sorryyyy…

– You wanted to be over my lap, so here you have it. – She was covering all of my butt but she was focused on the sit spots too much. I started kicking.

-It’s bee-een a mi— nute…! – she stopped.

-Oh, little one, did you think you won’t get extra for testing me!?

-Naaat…

-No! You wanted to be in this position. Next time you think better what you’re wishing for. – with that she continued with the fast paced scorching of my butt and thighs.

-I just wa—aaanted yooouuu to caa-aare…. – I was blubbering almost unintelligibly. She stopped again.

-What did you want? – her voice was stern and it felt as if I was adding fuel to fire.

-I am sorry…

-I asked you something, Anna. – she emphasized my name with a particularly hard smack.

-to care…. – I said between sobs. – I am sorry… I know you care…

I wanted to fill the silence so I continued…

– I really do…. I am sorry … I was just tired and… – I stopped myself before I pronounced jealous. It was really hard to focus. I kept repeating to myself: don’t say jealous. Do not mention Matthew.

-and what? – she put the brush on my butt as if to rest her arm, but the pressure on a sore skin was not a good feeling. And my mind was empty. I knew I mustn’t tell the truth but I couldn’t think of anything.

Sad? Disapointed? Angry at myself? Yes!

-and angry at myself… for … for… not being able to … – No ideas were coming to my mind. I was actually a little bit satisfied with myself for what I had accomplished in those 10 days. And then I remembered the quiz and the paper . – for falling behind! (I said almost joyfully for remembering a reason).

Even before her voice got to me I realized what I had done.

-Falling behind?!

-Ummmm… – shitshitshit- umm

-Anna?!

-ummmm ….

-Speak.immediately! – it was as if she had pressed a button to restart my brain.

-Not by a lot. – I was on 2x speed, panicky. – It’s just that I hadn’t started writing the paper. – She moved the brush from my butt, I guess in order to continue with the spanking but I tried to quickly add. – It will be ready by Sunday evening. I have read and researched but just I haven’t started the writing… – She put the brush down.

I was breathing heavily.

-On top of everything you were lying before… – she sounded more exasperated than stern.

-Obviously, you will need to send me the first 3 pages tomorrow evening, so we don’t have to be back here on Sunday. Understood?

-Yes….

-Good.

With that, however, she resumed the spanking. I think it wasn’t as hard but it felt harder because my butt and thighs were so, so sore…

By the time she stopped I was just sobbing uncontrollably. She sighed. She sounded tired:

-Anna… come on, get up…

I didn’t exactly get up. Somehow I ended up kneeling next to her and I hugged her. She held me.

-So, did you like what you asked for?

-Noo-ooo – I was still sobbing. -But I like this. – I held her tighter. I think she was stroking my hair absentmindedly. I wasn’t even sure if she heard what I said, but I stayed there for another minute, until she prompted me to get up.

(This is a short and non-spanking chapter, hopefully more is coming soon… )

The morning was uneventful. We were both very distant and except for the “morning”, “do you want more coffee?” and “I’m ready”, I didn’t say a thing to her. I was wearing that ugly skirt and shirt, well I was ugly, the clothes were actually nice. She was wearing a pantsuit that made her look incredible, but all business-like, a bit cold, bossy.

We were both silently angry all the way to her office. I got the guest pass, and went with her to the first floor. The guy who greeted us seemed really nice, upbeat, and I knew I had to make myself be positive and nice towards him as well. And then I had a thought that being extremely nice to him might piss her off because I had been so distant with her. I also had a thought that she may not give a fuck about what I am doing, but I didn’t want to listen to that voice.

The guy, Brandon, showed me around and talked to me about some administrative processes, how things are marked in the files, and how to use the copier, and all those things that seem so simple, but when you hear a lot of information like that you get overwhelmed. I mean, I did, but he was patient and I actually got all of it in the end. He joked that I would pass the exam. For lunch we went out so he could show me a couple of fancy places that someone might ask me to pick up food from because they don’t deliver. And we talked about all kinds of things. It was easy to talk to him. He was surprised that I was fluent in Spanish and thought that might help me advance from low level administrative assistant position soon. He thought my jokes were funny, and that I am really smart. In his eyes I was so cool that I almost started believing it myself.

We had finished everything that he could show me about my possible job, and I was planning to go and not even tell Natalie that I was going and wander around the city, and not come back home until late. We had a deal that I would start studying that afternoon. I was actually considering picking up the book from home and studying but telling her I didn’t. However, he said that Ms. Lawson told him to bring me to the 5th floor once we were done so she could introduce me to someone. I just thought it must be the Matthew guy and already started planning how I’d be rude to him in a covert way.

When we got to the 5th floor, Brandon pointed to Ms Lawson’s office and went to take some files to someone. It was so strange when he called Nat by her last name. I had a feeling she is even more powerful than I thought. It felt like I was close to a Goddess. I just wished she was my other Mom so it would make sense for her to love me. Maybe then I would be more like her… The memory of the slap and jealousy of Mathew appeared in my mind.

I had the opportunity to go away without letting her know. Make her angry, and possibly make her worry! But the moment I turned around my heart sank – then I might not get to work with her, and I still wanted that. No matter how angry, I knew I wanted to spend time with her, so I decided to say hi but be as bratty as possible.

She had those glass panels to the front of her office and although the blinds were kind of drawn I could easily see through them. She was sitting at her desk, holding her face in her hands,… she was just sitting there … That was odd… Someone’s office door opened and I quickly moved towards her door.

She must have heard me or the other door because she lifted her head as if startled. She was so pale, and she looked scared, or lost… it was a strange look… especially on her . I don’t want to say helpless or desperate, but there was something deeply wrong. She gathered herself amazingly quickly, her face turned into a determined/angry kind. But there was still heaviness around her. I only wanted to hug her and make better whatever was bothering her.

-Nat, … are you ok?… – I asked, my heart wide open, wanting to embrace her and keep her safe and happy in there.

-Why wouldn’t I be ok? – she snapped at me, but I didn’t react. I just kept looking at her. I sat on a chair opposite her.

– If you have finished, you should go home and study. – I was about to get angry again when she glanced at the table in front of her and an overwhelmed expression swept across her face.

However, she continued in a matter of fact tone:

– I will probably have to stay late.

-I am sorry, Nat… – she was about to say something, but then she actually looked at me, stopped, and her face softened.

-I know – she said with a sigh. She seemed as if she was about to say something but then she decided not to. My guess is that she wanted to say she was sorry, too.

-Have you had lunch? – I asked. For a second she was trying to remember if she had.

-I’ll have something later. I’ve been busy. You should go home now, I really have a lot of work.

-I’ll go home after I bring you something to eat. – I was calm and determined. She did raise her eyebrows a little bit, but it was almost as if she didn’t have the strength to fight me. She took a look at her watch. Her slender hand was trembling. She took another long look at me and picked up the phone to order food.

When I came back with the food she greeted me with a smile and I wanted to hug her sooo much, but I knew she was a stickler for professionalism and I didn’t want to ruin the new dynamics.

I was already at the door when she called my name:

-Anna.

-Yes? – I turned around with a wide, loving smile expecting something nice, like “Thank you, it’s so nice to have someone who cares….”, but she said:

– Please study as we agreed. – well, at least her tone was nice. I tried my best to understand it as her caring for me and not as her caring about a goal she had set for me.

-I will – I promised because my heart was filled with so much love for her. I would have accepted any agreement at that point.

I insisted on getting a cab and she, amazingly, agreed. She wanted to wrap things up so she could be completely free for the rest of the weekend.

I couldn’t help imagining the “I’ve missed you so much” hug . I was trying to come to terms with my mistakes and the future consequences, with how much of a pain in the ass I am. But some tiny, stupid, part of me thought it deserved a hug and kept putting images in my head.

I wanted the plane ride to last for ever; I was tempted to say to the taxi driver to drive me somewhere else…. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when we entered her street and when I remembered how ecstatic I had been just one year ago, coming down the same street… What plans of brilliance and success I had concocted. I had thought I was going to make her proud, I was going to be the best student, and be of help to her somehow… What dreams…. And now I was coming a failure.

Strangely enough, I wasn’t as scared of the spanking as I thought I would be. The fear of punishment was just one small part of the negative emotions, well… until I saw her, on the porch, her arms crossed. She was wearing elegant, black sweatpants and a T-shirt. She was magnificent.

For a second I thought of Maleficent, in the movie and I didn’t hide a giggle as I was coming dragging a small suitcase behind me. I felt so happy to see her that I wanted to leave the suitcase and run towards her. She looked at me head to toe. I had gained weight but she didn’t comment on that.

– Oh, I wouldn’t be so cheerful if I were you. – she said calmly and inhaled deeply while showing me in. To me, at that moment, she didn’t seem like she was glad to see me. It turned my happiness sour. I reminded myself that I only came to tell her that I cannot stay and study;  that I won’t be a bother. Basically to say Goodbye.

– I am sorry… – I said it, and although I deeply was, at that moment I wasn’t being sincere. I wasn’t sorry, I felt hurt.

– We’ll talk about everything when you settle in your room. And I don’t understand why you didn’t bring back more things… I guess you have some ideas, but we’ll straighten it all out.

Her house was as beautiful and perfumed as always. Compared to ours it was a castle. Not so much because of the size, but because everything was perfect. She had done some redecorating while I was away. Living room seemed like a room from the 19th century – there was no TV to begin with. The armchairs were fit for a queen, and yes…. both the back and the arm part were very practical, if you must know. A carved wooden desk was placed by the window and the only thing that felt out of place was the laptop on it. On the fireplace mantel there were some photos, but I didn’t have time to take a good look.

– Do you need help with the suitcase?

– No – I was taken out of my trance. – Thanks. – I felt elated. The reason was beyond me. In the matter of seconds I was in “my” room. There was the bed and the wardrobe. No desk, no chairs… I was beginning to have the feeling that I will not be spending much time in there…

– I hope you like it this way. This year you will be studying downstairs.- I loved her voice. I loved that she wanted to help me because if anyone could, it would be her. And if only she was my … Mom …or … or somebody who chose to raise me or chose to give birth to me… but she was doing this for some other reason… I couldn’t understand why she would sacrifice so much.

– Look, Nat… – I felt so guilty that she went through all that trouble – We have to talk… I can’t…

– The dinner will be ready in 15 minutes. – she said quickly and inhaled deeply again, looked at me in a strange way, turned around and left.

The shower felt great, but I had read so many domestic discipline stories and it made me so sad that my story wasn’t one of love; it wasn’t one where I could expect a smiling Top to take me into her arms … the one where I could hope to mean something to someone. And I couldn’t understand why Nat did all that… It’s something you do for a daughter… and most people wouldn’t do it for their own children. I mean, yes, I was her Goddaughter but neither of us was religious so it didn’t really mean she chose me in any way.

She made my favorite pumpkin pottage. I felt guiltier by the second. Why don’t I have more strength to be what she deserves?!!!!!!!!!!!

– Is it that bad? – She smiled for the first time.

– No… it’s wonderful… Nat, look… I don’t deserve all this… I mean… I don’t know why you did all this; I am a lost cause.

– Aaaagh! (I was seriously annoying her) Stop it with that self-pitying already! It’s been enough! – (Ok,… now she made me angry, which is much better than feeling guilty. And yes, even back then I knew she was right… I mean, she’s always right, for God’s sake!)

– OK, I will not pity myself. But I don’t understand why you’re trying to help me. – She looked at me as if she were hurt. I was even more confused. She expected me to know? What, that she loved me?! Come on… She doesn’t show other signs of love, like, there is no tenderness…

She seemed as if she wanted to say many things, but in the end her expression became resolved and kind of cold.

– If you don’t know already, maybe you shouldn’t. – She said after a very long pause. Then, after we had finished the pottage, she told me to go get ready for bed.

– But we must talk first, please… I..

– Oh, we will.  – the meaning was quite clear.

As I was getting ready I was beginning to feel the happiness, the freedom from my usual rumination. I almost skipped around because I felt that she did love me. When I tried telling myself that I am just fooling myself, again, a thousand reasons and proofs popped into my head. She loved me!

Finally in my pajamas, clean, perfumed and happy I ran downstairs and before she could do or say anything I hugged her. For one second her guard was down, for one second she hugged me back. She really hugged me and held me! I whispered: “I love you sooo much!”

– I know, silly, I love you, too… – I hugged her even tighter. I felt there was nothing in the world I couldn’t do. She kissed my hair, gently leaned her cheek on it and then she sighed – But that doesn’t change the fact that we have to talk. – Very gently she pushed me away and towards the couch. The belt was on the table… Pillows stacked on one armchair, almost to the top of the back side…

– As you can see – she continued in a strict and soothing voice – I have made some changes, because this year everything will be different. You will be studying at that table. Kim bought you a new laptop and I had it connected with mine so I will now what you’re doing.

– But how…? – I was sincerely surprised and curious. She just gave me a warning look, not to interrupt her, I guess.

– You will report to me, when you leave for school and when you finish. I will know your location, and not only through your phone. I will look at your schedule for every class and you will turn in your papers at least one week ahead of the deadline. I will quiz you every night on the subject of my choice. If I am not satisfied, you will get a sound spanking. – I felt elevated. I felt I could do it. It was such a wonderful feeling after so much time of hating myself. A strange kind of self-confidence was appearing. I felt I could actually do it all with her by my side. I even saw myself getting all As. It will all be worth it! We will succeed. I will overcome this stage of idiocy and I will be able to do so much for her one day. But then, she continued:

– You will also start working part-time. – I was getting dizzy. “I can’t do it all and work. It’s too much…. I can’t…” – There is an opening for an entry level office clerk position in my company. – “In her company!!! Is this a dream come true or a nightmare…? But how will I work and study!? Last year I was supposed to do only one and I failed.” My thoughts were racing. – You have the interview for the position on Tuesday. On Monday, you will come with me to my office and meet with the clerk who will teach you the necessary things and explain everything you need to know to impress them on the interview. Anna, are you listening to me!? – she instantly got angry.

– Yes, yes, I am sorry. It’s just too…..

-Yes? – she gave me a ” do you dare?” look.

– Well it’s too much…

– Stop it right there! First of all, it is not too much. Secondly, I will be there every step of the way, like it or not and if I see that it is too much, you will be allowed to quit the job. However, until I say differently you will be studying, working and getting all As.

-All As! But that’s impossible with the – but she didn’t let me finish. She got up and said firmly:

– Get up and bend over the armchair.

– But Nat, please… – I knew I deserved a spanking for sooo many things, I did, but I couldn’t make myself get up. And I wanted to explain to her that I cannot do what she wanted me to.

– Do not whine and do what I said. You deserved this over the summer so many times and don’t make me get into details. If I remember everything you won’t be able to sit for days! – I wasn’t moving. I was just imploring her with my eyes, voiceless. Of course, it did not work.

– If you don’t get up, it will be without the pajamas.- she said in a nonnegotiable voice while holding the belt in her right hand. Since she had such convincing arguments, I just had no choice but to force my legs to work. The back of the armchair was surprisingly wide with the height just below my rib-cage. I leaned on it.

– All the way over. – she added without any empathy. – I gave her a final imploring over the shoulder but there was no changing her mind.

As my feet were leaving the floor my upper body found support on the pillows. I felt so exposed and ridiculous… my butt in the air like that…I hated the humiliating part of it. The whole set up made me feel like I was too old and too big for this… The discipline was supposed to make me feel protected and within the safe boundaries, like a child and this was making me feel ridiculous… But the moment she approached and  put her hand on my back, my thoughts were gone. Fear was seeping through me. For a second it felt like I had never been spanked. I was struggling not to jump from the armchair and run. I wished so much I were a small kid that could hug her, sinking my head into her belly and practically hugging her waist or her legs. I wished I could be so tiny that scolding would be seen as enough.

– Why didn’t you answer my calls this summer? – her voice brought me back to how I had treated her.

– Because I felt guilty… – I felt pretty shitty and I felt like I had nothing to lose.

-Ahm…- she was expecting me to continue.

– I knew I had been horribly difficult, and childish, and… a total failure… and you offered me everything…. and you’re not my Mom… it’s not like you had any obligation to … to.. to take care of me like I was your…. like …as if…

-my daughter. – she was impatient.

– yes, … and I had taken away a whole year of your life…. I was a burden and… I mean, you put in the effort and I didn’t…

-So you decided to repay me by ignoring me?

– Nooooo… I wanted to stop being the burden… I wanted to free you from myself.

– But, without putting in the effort. You wanted an easy way out. So you can make the “effort” worth even less.- I was speechless. She was right. Now I wanted to get off the armchair and face her. But as I made a move she pressed her hand on my back and started snapping that belt fast and too effectively. My thighs and my butt were sore within two minutes. I was shocked at first and only gasping with the strokes, but the pain was building up fast. Every stroke burned like hell very soon.

– Naaat … Please…I am soooory I am sorryyy – I begged, but she went on relentlessly. Soon, I had trouble catching my breath between the sobs. – I’ll… do .. every-thing-I-am-sorry….- It was a terrible experience, and it felt almost cruel. The sounds of the belt were ominous. – I aaa-aam sorryyyy…Naa-aaaat .. I’ll be good I’ll be good I promi—ise .

I knew she had to make it horrible because this was supposed to be punishment for the whole summer, and also a warning of what would happen, but… it didn’t feel loving at all. – Pleeease .. nooo mooore… – I imagined my butt won’t be red but bruised. – Pleaa- aseee…

Finally, after spiraling further and further into horror mode, suddenly I switched into some state where I could only feel the pain, hear the belt, and let out emotions, crying like a hurting baby, without filter. And then she stopped.

I slowly came out of that state, and I knew I felt different although still sobbing. As if my chest was feeling lighter. It was a weird sensation. She gently touched my forearm as an invitation to get off the armchair. As I was getting up and wiping my face she handed me a tissue. When I turned around I saw that her face had been streaked with tears and that it was now almost dry. I hugged her and she hugged me tightly. While she was holding me, she kissed my head a couple of times and whispered, almost as if she was asking me to promise.

“Don’t you ever pull this again! Ok, kiddow?”

“I won’t. I promise.”

I was incredibly tired, but somehow there weren’t any thoughts in my head. I mean, I kept thinking: “I love you, I love you so much”, but it wasn’t really a thought, it was more of a mental verbalization of the overwhelming feeling. But there weren’t thoughts about past or the future. And there was peace.

(Just for the record, I saw that my butt was slightly bruised on the right sit spot but the rest of it and the thighs had deep red stripes, but not bruised. So the cruelty part was mostly in my head. )