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HER LOVE THROUGH DISCIPLINE

A new beginning

Hi, everyone!

This is a blog with lesbian domestic discipline stories. They are mostly DD relationships, but there are exceptions.

As a “responsible” brat that I am, I have forgotten not only the password but also the alternative email address I used to log in to my last blog, so the first posts will be just transfers.

Dear friends,

(not a story)

I am writing this because I was starting to think about telling it all to someone in my real life and I know I would regret it. I said it once in a kind of therapy session and regretted it deeply because not only was she not able to help with anything, but now there is somebody with the power to out me and possibly ruin my life. I needed to share this with people who would know what I am taking about, at least a little bit. And if you could write your thoughts, experiences… I would really appreciate it…

I’ve spend 3 days fantasizing about discipline and spankings. Most of the fantasies were about a doctor I’ve recently visited. She is married and probably as strait and as vanilla as they can be, but I thought: what’s the harm in imagining stories in my head. It wasn’t even a physical turn on (my imagination can’t take me far down that path) I just loved spending time in the fantasy world. I must have spent more than 12 hours over the past 3 days imagining different scenarios… also some more time reading stories, writing, watching porn and YouTube videos about spanking. I somehow started to believe that I might actually find a woman similar to one in my fantasies. I thought about my body and how I could better take care of it to be prepared for that encounter, from saving for laser epilation to healthier eating and so on. I was energized. I felt hopeful.

After 2 good days of being in my own world, I watched Keenan’s series of YouTube videos about scenes from movies. I felt sick watching most of them. Too harsh, cruel, sadistic – for my taste, and none FF. She also talked about how she liked bruising and my mind went to all the videos I see when I try to find lesbian spanking porn. The scenes that look horrifying and utterly unloving to me – women with dark welts, deeply bruised bottoms, and other worse things like gagged, tied, humiliated… I used to think that people making the videos weren’t making them for spanking fetishists but for those with more SM tastes. But listening to Keenan I’ve realized that maybe most spankos would like watching that ( I mean apart from horrible acting and stupid dialog…I meant the spanking part of it and the use of implements I would find sadistic). And I felt I didn’t even fit in this world either. I was starting to wonder if I am a real spanko…

As you can probably tell from my stories, it’s the discipline, the scolding, the taking care of the bottom/brat that matters the most to me. One of Keenan’s guests, princess Kelly talked about the fantasy of being “saved” by someone and how many spanko’s get into trouble just so they can deserve a spanking. And really most my stories and fantasies are like that. In them I do things that I wouldn’t do at this age: like take drugs or do some dangerous things. Sometimes when I am trying to think of a plot for my fantasy, I ask myself: What would I actually do in real life if I was in a relationship? I believe I would be just too happy and wouldn’t even need to continue with many of the unhealthy habits like binge watching or overeating and sleeping too much, not tidying and cleaning the apartment. And I don’t think I would dare be bratty (like jealous or needy) or do anything that could jeopardize the relationship if I ever were in a relationship with a woman of my fantasies.

On top of it all, I’ve been reminded that being homoromantic spanko is even worse. I have the impression that there are many men who’d enjoy that kind of a relationship, even if they themselves were not only spanking, but sexually oriented. I think it is still a part of the culture that man like to be the boss of their wife – or maybe it’s only the traditional country I live in that makes me think so. Anyhow, I couldn’t stand a man trying to dominate me in any way, and I’d better not write about what I’d do to one if he tried to hit me.

Still for the lack of better scenes I re-watched the spanking scene in Outlander a couple of times, and seeing Claire’s bottom fascinated me more than Jamie’s face at the end of scene (when he is enjoying it) irritated me. Well, irritated is an understatement. I wanted to kick him in the head every time I watched the sadistic joy the actor so wonderfully portrayed.

After watching it a couple of times, I just longed seeing Claire so much that I started to binge watch the show, just so that I could see her bottom, her skin, … and then I got pulled in deeper and started enjoying the toughness and brilliance of the character, the looks she gives, how capable she is… But, as I was watching it, I started coming out of the fantasy mode of the past 3 days realizing I will never be with a Claire, let alone have a light domestic discipline relationship with somebody like her.

It feels like my life will never be whole. Like I will forever have to be just a part of myself. I am 35, and 5’10” and I don’t see how I could be a bottom now… I didn’t see it even when I was 25 but I had hopes. Moreover, I am getting visibly older by the day… I guess hormones are starting to mess with everything and I think I look at least 5 years older than last year, and I am gaining weight and the greys in the hair are appearing…

I have never been in any kind of relationship, and I feel like I never will and that I just have to accept it and figure out my life without love, without true intimacy and closeness.

It’s just that without it even if I focused all my effort on career or writing of making money or friendships (if they can be called friendships because they will never know half of me)… or spirituality… it doesn’t feel like it would mean a lot. I am quite good at blocking out this part of myself for at least 20 days a month. But even when I am not thinking about it, there is always something missing in my life.

Have any of you experienced anything similar… thought something completely opposite….? Please if you have any thoughts, anything you might be willing to share from your life, I would appreciate it very much.

Robin 7

(2019, long before COVID – I have a couple of old posts that I hadn’t gotten to before)

I had classes until late in the evening and then went to her place afterwards. I was extremely sleepy and I kept imagining the promised cuddling and falling asleep in her arms. I hoped that she had forgiven me for not revealing all the details of my health problems. Although I suspected that on top of lying to her, there was also the fact that Selena, not somebody else, but my long loved Selena, knew something that I hadn’t told her. I had hoped that she would mention it, so I can explain that Selena knew because she didn’t give a rats arse about it. Well, I was planning to phrase it differently.

She was reading some research papers at the kitchen table and had a half-empty glass of beets, apples and carrots juice in front of her. The full one was awaiting for me.

She patiently let me take a shower and change into PJs. I sensed by the way she greeted me that we wouldn’t go straight for the cuddling. I took my time getting ready. As I was entering the kitchen she checked her watch. I knew that wasn’t a good sign.

I kissed her for the juice. She had a very mysterious look for someone in the middle of reading a research paper. I drank the juice, but then I just couldn’t keep quiet any more.

-Honey, I am sorry I didn’t tell you… I was afraid that you would worry and that you would come, and then I would be disgusting, forever. I mean, I know you are doctor and you see all kinds of stuff, but you don’t sleep with those people… So… if I became disgusting, you wouldn’t be able to love me. I don’t even notice when you get your periods. You are perfect! – She grew sadder as my speech progressed. – I am sorry…. – I was glad that she didn’t say that she wouldn’t be disgusted because it would have felt like a lie. But, she wasn’t saying anything. Anything at all, just looking at me like she is seeing something deep inside me. I wasn’t sure she liked what she was looking at…

-Sonia… – she finally spoke – whatever I say won’t seem real to you because of your inexperience in relationships, so we will just have to live through it. And …

– No! I could never let you…

– Sonia! – That sent chills down my spine: maaan, she didn’t like to be interrupted! – You told me that you had imagined that a relationship like this is just a blog-fairy tale, right?

-Yes..

– And, yet, here we are. We both have to let each other in. I am not perfect, and it scares me that you think I am. For example, you don’t seem to realize that I am deep in perimenopause… and my periods aren’t what they used to be and they are far between. That’s why you don’t notice them. – I hadn’t even thought about it. Although she was Selena’s age, and I knew that Selena had lost her period a year ago, I hadn’t connected the dots. But it didn’t matter. My heart was screaming that Robin is perfect just as she is.  –  Both you and I know what happens when you idealize someone – she continued – and I could also wonder if you love me or you are just in love with something you projected onto me.

– I love YOU! –

– Babe… both of us know that it can feel like that.

– I doooo looove youu – I didn’t know how to explain to her that I am not idealizing her, that I truly see her… and that she IS perfect to me! I see her wrinkles and I adore each and every one of them, they are sexy to me, and make her seem wise and powerful. I love her hands… I love everything about her body… I see that she cares a lot about being right, I see that she reads up on all new research because she couldn’t stand not knowing something…. I heard her speak French with a thick accent and it sounded a bit funny… I don’t like that she sometimes keeps deep emotions hidden, but I believe with time it could change and I also love the hurting part of her… And she isn’t into spirituality as much as I am, but I love that because maybe… I might, some day, be able to offer something to her instead of just receiving… that is if I apply the spiritual stuff in my life and not just have the concepts…. and really she is so much better in the practical, down to earth stuff, that maybe I’ll get more grounded… So, she is perfect even there… But how do I explain all of this and so much more …?

– Sweetheart..  – she stood up and took my face in her hands.- I know. And I love you, too. And I accept you, you who you are, completely. – she wiped a tear from my cheek,  and I could see that she was getting teary, too. Then, she sighed. – And you will just have to experience it because I will not let you go through that hell alone next month. – With that she hugged me and I wrapped my arms around her and I felt truly accepted and loved, but then a thought came to my mind: What if she just said it? Isn’t it too early for normal people to say that they love someone? I said it, but I am not a normal person… Doesn’t it usually take much longer? Was she lying to me? I wanted it to be truth. Yes, she wouldn’t be holding me like this and talking to me like this if she didn’t love me…

When her perfume got into my head and I started gently kissing her, she gently pushed me away.

– Sweetie, you know what I think about consistency, and we agreed, that you are getting a spanking tonight. Then, we can get a fresh start on honesty, and the cuddling I also promised.

-No!!! – I whined as I tried to hug her again, but she just patted me on the butt.

– Come on, honey, let’s go upstairs.

-But, I don’t want to! – I lifted up my head wanting to plead with my puppy eyes. My move made her smile a little. She cupped my cheek with her right hand ever so slightly, and the strictness in her voice was at the same time so kind:

– I am not crazy about it either – she sighed – but you deserved a big punishment for not cleaning the slate yourself by admitting. – she put her hand on my shoulder as if to softly push me toward the stairs: -Come on, let’s finish it and …

-No! I won’t go, and I won’t let you go. – I wrapped my arms around her tighter in a fit of … stubborn “toddlerism” or whatever it was. She was surprised and I think she didn’t know what to do for a second. She kept hugging me, then kissed my shoulder and patted me on the butt.

-Come on, hon …

-No… – I whispered and just held her tighter. She held me gently and I could feel so much love beaming from my chest and I felt so safe, and warm, and loved. Her arms seemed like the most wonderful place on Earth. If I could have chosen what to do for the rest of my life, it would have been to stand there just like that hugging her.

About a minute later she slowly let go, but I was still holding onto her.

– Sonia, if you don’t stop this silliness right now, you will get extra punishment for it. -She said as she gently stroke my hair. – Come on, don’t make this more difficult than it is.

-I don’t want to let go of you and this moment! – I said it, and I guess some small part of me was aware even at that moment that I longed for that kind of physical closeness that we had shared a couple of minutes earlier and that I wasn’t ready to have it be over so soon, and although the other part of me was screaming my head off saying that the cuddling is coming just after the spanking, I wasn’t letting go.

Then she sighed and straightened up and it felt like she was getting tired of the “toddlerism”, but I simply stopped thinking about the consequences and logic.

-I will have to spank you right here if you don’t let go… – she finally got fed up with me. – Sonia…?!

She sighed deeply, released herself from my hug enough to pull my PJs down and started spanking, with me clinging to her side like a child.

Either because it was a bad position, or because she wanted it to hurt a lot as soon as possible, she kept hitting the same spot over and over again, and very soon it stung like hell every time her hand hit my bottom. Finally, I flung my hand to protect the spot and backed away.

-It hurts!

-I wasn’t playing with you! Upstairs!- She pointed her finger, but I didn’t move. For a second she tilted her head to the right and then she turned on her heels, took the spatula from a drawer and started walking towards me. I finally got to my senses and wanted to turn around to run upstairs. However, my PJs were still down to my knees and almost made me fall. I grabbed onto the kitchen table, but that was enough for her to catch up with me.

She grabbed my elbow and pulled me towards herself as she practically sat on the table and started spanking. My feet were trapped in the PJs so I couldn’t kick as much as I wanted to, but nothing was stopping me from bawling: Rooobii–iiin… Ooowwww– hoooneeeeyyy- pleeease — i-i-it’s enou -ough honeyyyy… I wiiilll neever liiie agaaaiiin… oooowwww….and I – I will never be-ee stubborn… I just waa-aanted to cuddle…. Robiii-iiin… – She kept my upper body pinned to the table, and simply wasn’t losing pace. Then, for a second I thought she had stopped but it was only to hook her fingers and pull my panties down. She knew how much I hated the bare bottom spankings.- NO! no… no .. Roooobiiin – I tried to cease the moment and move, but my legs were between hers and she gave me a half a dozen of very hard smacks to keep me from moving.

-You. must. learn. what. happens. when. you. lie. – I was so surprised that I could barely catch my breath enough to give her a sobbing :

-I’ve leeearned…. I pro-miii-se… – the spatula kept stinging…

-What. will. you. do. the next time. you. feel. like. lying?

-I’ll teee–eeell the truu—th, owww….. honeyyyy…

-What. if. you. know. it. will get you. a spanking? – with this she stopped and rested her hand on my back. Only my sobbing could be heard.

-I won’t eee-ever deserve a span— king aaa–gaain…

-Oh… – she let out a small laugh – you will, sweetie…but will you try to lie to avoid it? – she patted my soooo vulnerable butt cheek and I winced.

I didn’t want to start lying right away because the pain and the emotions were too much. But if I had a chance to avoid this, how could I forsake it and tell the truth…?

-But you’re gooo-ing to spank me anyhowww… – I wasn’t being cheeky just logical. However, it was a wrong move. The spatula was back for another dozen or so smacks which felt way too hard – Robiiii-iiiin… Plee-eease…

She stopped the smacks.

-Yes, but I would spank you twice or twice as hard depending on when I find out. For example, I would be continuing with a belt right now if it was twice as hard. – I was horrified and I tried to turn around and look at her. She let me and added: – And, you’d also be grounded. – She seemed so serious and determined, there wasn’t any wavering in her expression. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. In a confused breath, I muttered incredulously:

-But,… then you’d be cruel… – I looked into her eyes and I just didn’t see it. I saw strict love, but love nonetheless, not somebody who would attack that sore butt with a belt.

-No, then I would love you enough to make sure you don’t make the same mistake again and possibly endanger your life.

-But… but… – I still couldn’t accept that she would be able to hurt me that much… I saw images of bruised bottoms, of bottoms with stripes that are the color of scabs… I looked at her again and I just couldn’t connect those horrifying images with her eyes. She was looking at me patiently, but gave me a stern prompt.

-You do have a choice: not to lie to me.

There was a struggle inside me. I couldn’t say yes to someone treating me like that because I couldn’t see that as love. She had a puzzled expression and I had a thought that maybe I really could choose not lie to her and then everything would stay the same.

-O-kaaay… – I acquiesced sobbingly and felt so vulnerable. It was a very different feeling. Until that moment, I had been convinced that I had let go of control and that she was totally in charge, but agreeing to that rule with a part of my belly still pressed against her thigh, my legs between hers, her hand holding my back, and me turned around just enough to be able to look at her and see how serious she was… … I felt exposed and absolutely in her control. It’s like… before this there was something playful in the way I saw spankings…

Anyhow, she wasn’t satisfied with my answer. She obviously saw how important this moment was.

-No, I need you to promise me and to accept the rule of getting double the punishment if you try to hide something or if you lie about breaking another rule.

-I prooo-miise and I … … – the words just wouldn’t come out. I tried to look into her eyes and I wasn’t sure what I was seeing… She was so serious…. I looked back into the table. – and I …accept… the rule…

I think a part of me also felt defeated.. There was something about agreeing to rules… and those images in my head… as I was finishing the sentence I turned around to go back into position quietly sobbing. I must have looked miserable because she pulled me up to stand in front of her. I was looking down at her hands holding mine. She said:

-Talk to me. – I just sighed. I didn’t know what to say.

She brought up one hand to lift my chin gently and make me look at her and for some reason I started crying again. It just burst out of me.

She held me until I calmed down and I managed to say the thought that I realized was the trigger of the emotions.

-If you could be cruel that would mean that you don’t love me… – I said into her shoulder.

She immediately became alarmed and held my forearms to push me away so she can look into my eyes.

-I wouldn’t be cruel. What do you even mean by cruel?

-you know those butts you see online that are bruised or with stripes or welts that are almost bleeding or like the color of scabs… – after a long silence she finally spoke:

– I can’t promise I will never give you A bruise. There are techniques used to prevent that from happening, but it can happen. However, if you deserve a harsh spanking I will put a gel on after it, maybe even have you sit on an ice pack, but I assure you that my intention will not be to have this bottom like in those pictures.

As she was talking I felt more and more reassured and sighed deeply a couple of times. She wiped my tears away and hugged me. Then she patted, well, more like smacked my behind lightly a couple of times.

-Let’s put some gel on it right now.

I wanted to talk and to cuddle but I fell asleep before my skin fully absorbed the gel.

Robin 6

I have serious menstrual problems: first the migraine or a migraine like headache; then … well the things I don’t feel like sharing; and finally on the second or the third day it hurts like hell and there are many things happening in my stomach and body. Altogether, it gets disgusting and I have to be alone.

Robin is a doctor and I was lucky that she was away or busy the first two months, but this month it’s going to be difficult. I tried to drink as much coffee as possible in order to help my digestive system before the weekend but it wasn’t helping. I just made myself sick. I was horrified of how I am going to get out of that situation. My belly was huge, bloated, and my thighs looked bad…

I couldn’t admit and I couldn’t lie.

– Hey, honeeey… ammm- I started over the phone. She was already laughing.

– Yes, kiddow?

-ammm… I need you to promise me something…

-mhm…

– I want to tell you something but you have to promise that you will not get angry and that you will not come to see me until .. until I am ready…

-What is happening? – she sounded alarmed

-Can you please promise?

-No. I can’t because I don’t know what is happening. But I will respect your wish if I conclude that that is what’s best for you.

-But please.. – I was getting desperate ….

-No, start talking or I am coming. – Of course, I started and told her most of the truth, leaving out couple of disgusting details and a couple of details which could alarm her, as in “I sometimes collapse”. There was a rather long silence when I stopped.

-Sweetie,… that sounds like endometriosis… We’ll have to see what’s happening there…

-Robin… please …

-Ok, I will not come if you call me regularly. But, you must schedule some doctor’s appointments, love.  – I was relieved.

– Oh, but it’s been like this for years, it’s nothing new. I mean if it had been serious, it would have evolved by now.

– Sonia, when was the last time you checked all of those things? – She was half mocking my not talking about sexual organs normally. I paused. There are just so many nasty exams connected to my problems, starting with the gynecologist appointment.

– Well,… it was… like… more than a year ago…

– Sonia? – her tone was so strict that my lips started curling as if she were right in front of me with a wooden spatula.

– Well… the gynecologist was like… a… mm.a… four years ago… and she didn’t do.. the…the thing.. cause I wasn’t … I had never… I mean the hymen was…. I asked her not to…

– So, never!? – she seemed deeply shocked. After a long pause she continued. – And I assume it’s the same for the rest of it?

– Well, kind of.. I mean, I had the ultra sound of the uterus, and ovaries and the belly…and… well, that’s about it. – She sighed deeply.

-OK, I will ask a friend of mine to schedule an app-

-NO! – I interrupted her, horrified. – No, Robin, not your friends. Your friends cannot be my doctors.

-Ok, … if you wouldn’t feel comfortable… But, schedule the appointments right now and we’ll talk about this more when you’re period free. Understood?

-Yes…

– And we will have a special chat for the “more than one year” and for the fact that you lied to me last month. –

Shit, she remembered…

-…OK… – I accepted my faith and after a pause she continued in a different tone of voice.

-And you were a virgin when you were 27? Not even penetrating masturbation? Actually, no, we’ll talk about that in person. – She stopped herself from being curious although I didn’t mind talking about it. As the matter of fact I wanted to talk about it.

***

I lied to her some more during that weekend, but I think she didn’t realize it.

***

We saw each other on Wednesday. I couldn’t wait to put my arms around her. We kissed so long and passionately that we ended up on a couch. I started lifting her shirt while at the same time kissing her neck just below her ear when she stopped me. Her eyes were so soft but a little bit strict, and she was almost smiling. I love that expression on her face. I know I am in a bit of a trouble while at the same time feeling the closeness and love.

– We have some unfinished business, but you can continue that afterwards. –  My hand automatically reached for my bottom. I looked up at her with a begging look.

– Do we have to? I didn’t really lie. It was … – but then her expression changed. It became more irritated and I started getting scared.

– No, don’t even go there. Manipulating the truth to sound like a lie is a lie. Don’t ever… – she grabbed my chin to make me look at her – don’t ever do that again.

– I won’t. – I squeak-whispered.

-Very well. When are you appointments? – There were no appointments. I had been postponing making them, and in my country the procedure is a bit different than in the USA or UK. Well, I mean, that wasn’t the real reason. I just didn’t want them.

I was just looking at my socks instead of answering.

-Sonia!? – she already sounded exasperated. – Get up and take off your pants.

-No, Robin, please, I’ll make the appointments. I am sorry. Please, please…I’ll make them in the morning… first thing … please…

– Get. up. – I wanted to but I just couldn’t move. She grabbed the spatula from the table and pushed me slightly, her hand on my lower back. Her touch was  electric. I think she barely pushed me to lie on the couch, but I did, my feet on the floor and my butt on display. I was already crying from the first couple of spanks. She stopped after about a dozen or so.

– Get. up! – As I was getting up and wiping the tears and looking for a paper tissue in the pocket, she said: – Pants and panties off. – I took a quick look at her, but there was no negotiating. I took my pants off slowly and tried to implore with my teary eyes but she just dropped the spatula on the couch and pulled my panties down scorching my behind and the thighs in the process. I felt way too exposed, but I forgot about the nakedness in a second. She started smacking my butt with her hand while holding my waist. It was so humiliating. And it hurt. As I was trying to move away from her, she just held tighter.  Then she sat and pulled me down.

– Please, Robiiiiin, no more… … please…

– You will never lie to me again and  you will not disobey like that. Ever! – with that she started again. She was damn scary.

-Please Robin, I got it. I won’t ever …aaaaaaaaaaowi – the spatula was back on – aaaaaaaaaaaou – I started kicking and bawling …- She paused.

– Sonia, stop kicking. If you kick you will just get extra on the thighs, honey. – I couldn’t believe how much love fit at the very end of that horrible sentence. I felt like she didn’t want to be doing it.

-But, honey, pleeeeeeeeeeease it’s enough…. pleeease…

-No, we don’t want to be back here tomorrow- and she slammed that spatula on my butt. Inevitably I kicked and the thighs were next.

-It huuuuuuuuuuurts so baaaaaaaaaad… Roo-ooo-biiiin!

-Stop the bawling!

-But hoooneeey… it huuuurts!

– And .how. much. do you think. it would. hurt. if something. happened. to. you? – I finally got it. It’s not about the lying. I mean it is, but it is also about her not wanting me to die! She does care about me!

-I am sooo-oryyyy…

– You should be. – She said coldly as she continued smacking my behind.

– Pleeeeaase … – She finally dropped the spatula and set her hand on my burning bottom.

– Remember this tomorrow. You must make those appointments and I’ll arrange for you to have your blood drawn next Friday, so you should stop taking the iron supplements now.

– Noooo-oooooooo, please… – I don’t know why I said it, I just felt so scared of needles and the whole situation. And the image of her sticking that needle into my vein felt like more spanking. No, much worse actually! Although I knew that it wouldn’t be her doing it but… I don’t know why I said it.

– Excuse me? – I panicked and tried to correct my mistake as quickly as possible.

-Iamsorry, I am sorry.I didn’t mean that! Ididn’t ! – but it was too late, her hand began dancing on my sit spots.

-Aaaaaaaaahhhh I didn’t want to say… aaaauuu Roooobiiin

– You obviously still don’t know how this works. – she didn’t spank for long after that but I was a blubbering mess.

I didn’t get up from her lap for almost a minute after she stopped. Finally, she gently pulled me up and I nestled my head against her chest hugging her waist.

***

***

I made the appointment with my doctor the next day, of course, and then the doctor scheduled the appointments with the specialists, but the first one was about 3 weeks away. I was just hoping that Robin couldn’t organize the blood drawing at her hospital and that I would have to wait for the proper channels.

****

The following Thursday, there was, however, another stressful event: dinner with Selena.

I was kind of avoiding her after Robin had started spanking me. I thought that she would somehow know what was going on and that she would realize that not so long ago I wanted that from her. I would have to be especially good that evening in order not to provoke a stern look or something worse.

 Selena and I were the first to arrive. She seemed so glad to see me. Like she has … maybe never been… and despite being happy with Robin I found out that I still have a soft spot for her. Not that I would ever change Robin for her, but just being attuned to her needs and moods after so many years of careful listening and observing, I could feel that she was faking her happiness in general and it made me sad. She kept touching my hand as she talked which didn’t mean anything in a sexual way, because she is 100% hetero, but it meant closeness. Well, I have always interpreted it as closeness and those moments were so rare that they used to be precious. And I felt like hugging her , which I did. And her stiffness with a pat on the back awoke me to the reality and reminded me of the lack of true closeness between us, just as Robin was approaching the table.

She wasn’t too cheerful. I thought it was because of what she saw and I wanted to explain but she practically ignored me. I got a fleeting kiss, while she and Selena had a hug. And when she sat down I got an extremely stern look. As I was grabbing the cocktail in front of me, simply wanting to do something because I didn’t know what to say, she raised her eyebrows and became sterner.

– Honey, – she so forced the “honey” part – you are having your blood work done in less than 15 hours, I don’t think you should be drinking.

My heart sank: it will be tomorrow.

– Oh, yes, I…I forgot. – I put the glass down and my hands in my lap. Selena looked at us in such a strange way that I think my face was red within a second. Luckily, Robin didn’t even blink and she proceeded to explain to Selena how irresponsible I had been, and Selena just added wood to the fire by naming more of my bad habits concerning health. And then she mentioned that Robin should look into the collapsing as well. She continued talking but at that moment I could almost feel how stiff Robin’s body became. She didn’t even look at me, she just took a long slow deep breath and her lips kind of thinned out a little, for a second. Then, some guy approached us, and at first they were all talking together, but then Selena started explaining something to him – I wasn’t listening. I was actively dreading the first look Robin was going to give me. I had a flash back to previous Wednesday and I was truly scared of that look. And then it happened. She turned around slowly towards me, I became so scared that I could cry and pee right away. But I just bowed my head to hide my teary eyes and quivering lips at least a little bit.

I squealed quietly: “I am sorry. I’m scared of needles.”

-I know that, Sonia. But I thought that you had had enough the other day.

-Yes, and if I had told you, you would have… – I whispered in her ear-  spanked me even harder…. – my God, her hair smelled nice. She drew her head back and looked into my eyes.

-Yes, I probably would have. – she said as if she had realized that my move was logical. – However, from now on, you will learn that the longer you wait, the worse it gets. – my eyes widened and my right hand went straight for my butt. – Oh, yes. – she added and then she slowly took the betraying hand and held it in her hand. – But, we will leave that for tomorrow evening. You need to be well rested for the morning. – with that she smiled in a weird, mischievous-strict way and put her arm around my shoulder.

There was something precious about her beautiful hair on my cheek, her arm wrapped around my shoulder and the strange feeling in my sit spots. I felt so cared for, accepted, safe.

We left soon after. She was quiet and I felt that she was angry, but I didn’t dare say or ask anything. In the morning I didn’t feel like getting up. I turned off the alarm and I was trying to continue sleeping when she entered the room. All dressed for work and beautiful. For a split second I forgot about everything and my heart was filled with such amazing joy. She was there, all perfect, looking at me. I jumped out of bed to brush my teeth and shower so I can persuade her to get out of those clothes for a short while.

However, when I was done she just announced as if she were reading my mind.

-We don’t have time for that, love. And I wish we had. – she added as she was cupping my butt with her hand.

-Can I have a hug? – I pleaded.

-Of course, baby. – she said as she was spreading her arms. She held me patiently and until I let go with a sigh.  But she kept her hands on my shoulders.

-Sweetie, I know you are afraid of needles and I know this isn’t easy for you, so do you want me to do it or …

-No! – I didn’t let her finish the sentence, but she didn’t mind.

-OK, but if you change your mind, tell me.

****

When we got into the lab I felt like escaping it. My heart pumping like crazy. I wanted to change my focus, but even Robin laughing with the phlebotomist woman didn’t help. I couldn’t wait for Robin to leave. It was all scary and embarrassing at the same time. But then, she sat next to me.

– Aren’t you going to leave? – I asked, surprised look on my face.

– No, hon, because you have to calm down. Come on, breathe.

– Do I have to do this?

– Baby, breathe. – and she started breathing, the 4-7-8 technique. I was about to cry when I started but after the third round I felt calmer. As the phlebotomist woman was putting the rubber thingy on my upper arm singing to a song from the radio, Robin whispered very quietly on my ear that I was going to get a long cuddle time when we came home.

-Ready? – the woman asked. And she stuck that needle in my vein without waiting for my response. Robin whispered :”count down from 30″. And as I looked into her eyes, I was bathed with her love and smiled in spite of the needle and the fear. I could look into her eyes forever. I felt alive and I felt happy…

…and I couldn’t believe that 30 seconds still weren’t over!!! It felt like eternity!

***

When we went to the hospital cafeteria, I felt as if I was with a celebrity. She went to get us breakfast, but got stopped by at least 4 people and every time the power dynamics were so obvious. She was the knowledgeable one, the authority. Standing straight and deeply confident, talking with a smile, she seemed even more powerful than usual. It was beyond me what a woman like that could possibly see in me…. a whiny little shit who can’t even get blood drawn without making a fuss about it. I wanted so much to become more than I was, to be worthy of her.

Anna and Natalie 7: The welcome

I insisted on getting a cab and she, amazingly, agreed. She wanted to wrap things up so she could be completely free for the rest of the weekend.

I couldn’t help imagining the “I’ve missed you so much” hug . I was trying to come to terms with my mistakes and the future consequences, with how much of a pain in the ass I am. But some tiny, stupid, part of me thought it deserved a hug and kept putting images in my head.

I wanted the plane ride to last for ever; I was tempted to say to the taxi driver to drive me somewhere else…. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when we entered her street and when I remembered how ecstatic I had been just one year ago, coming down the same street… What plans of brilliance and success I concocted. The previous year I thought I was going to make her proud, I was going to be the best student, and be of help to her somehow… What dreams…. And now I was coming a failure.

Strangely enough, I wasn’t as scared of the spanking as I thought I would be. The fear of punishment was just one small part of the negative emotions, well… until I saw her, on the porch, her arms crossed. She was wearing elegant, black sweatpants and a T-shirt. She was magnificent.

For a second I thought of Maleficent, in the movie and I didn’t hide a giggle as I was coming dragging a small suitcase behind me. I felt happy to see her. She looked at me head to toe. I had gained weight but she didn’t comment on that.

– Oh, I wouldn’t be so cheerful if I were you. – she said calmly and inhaled deeply while showing me in. To me, at that moment, she didn’t seem like she was glad to see me. It turned my happiness sour. I reminded myself that I only came to tell her that I cannot stay and study;  that I won’t be a bother.

– I am sorry… – I said it, and although I deeply was, at that moment I wasn’t being sincere. I wasn’t sorry, I was hurt.

– We’ll talk about everything when you settle in your room. And I don’t understand why you didn’t bring back more things… I guess you have some ideas, but we’ll straighten it all out.

Her house was as beautiful and perfumed as always. Compared to ours it was a castle. Not because of the size, but because everything was perfect. She had done some redecorating while I was away. Living room seemed like a room from the 19th century – there was no TV to begin with. The armchairs were fit for a queen, and yes…. both the back and the arm part were very practical, if you must know. A carved wooden desk was placed by the window and the only thing that felt out of place was the laptop on it. On the fireplace mantel there were some photos, but I didn’t have time to take a good look.

– Do you need help with the suitcase?

– No – I was taken out of my trance. – Thanks. – I felt elated. The reason was beyond me. In the matter of seconds I was in “my” room. There was the bed and the wardrobe. No desk, no chairs… I was beginning to have the feeling that I will not be spending much time in there…

– I hope you like it this way. This year you will be studying downstairs.- I loved her voice. I loved that she wanted to help me because if anyone could, it would be her. And if only she was my … Mom …or … or somebody who chose to raise me or chose to give birth to me… but she was doing this for some other reason… I couldn’t understand why she would sacrifice so much.

– Look, Nat… – I felt so guilty that she went through all that trouble – We have to talk… I can’t…

– The dinner will be ready in 15 minutes. – she said quickly and inhaled deeply again, looked at me in a strange way, turned around and left.

The shower felt great, but I had read so many domestic discipline stories and it made me so sad that my story wasn’t one of love; it wasn’t one where I could expect a smiling Top to take me into her arms … the one where I could hope to mean something to someone. And I couldn’t understand why she did all that… It’s something you do for a daughter… and most people wouldn’t do it for their own children.

She made my favorite pumpkin pottage. I felt guiltier by the second. Why don’t I have more strength to be what she deserves?!!!!!!!!!!!

– Is it that bad? – She smiled for the first time.

– No… it’s wonderful… Nat, look… I don’t deserve all this… I mean… I don’t know why you did all this; I am a lost cause.

– Aaaagh! (I was seriously annoying her) Stop it with that self-pitying already! It’s been enough! – (Ok,… now she made me angry, which is much better than feeling guilty. And yes, even back then I knew she was right… I mean, she’s always right, for God’s sake!)

– OK, I will not pity myself. But I don’t understand why you’re trying to help me. – She looked at me as if she were hurt. I was even more confused. She expected me to know? What, that she loved me?! Come on… She doesn’t show other signs of love, like, there is no tenderness…

She seemed as if she wanted to say many things, but in the end her expression became resolved and kind of cold.

– If you don’t know already, maybe you shouldn’t. – She said after a very long pause. Then, after we had finished the pottage, she told me to go get ready for bed.

– But we must talk first, please… I..

– Oh, we will.  – the meaning was quite clear.

As I was getting ready I was beginning to feel the happiness, the freedom from my usual rumination. I almost skipped around because I felt that she did love me. When I tried telling myself that I am just fooling myself, again, a thousand reasons and proofs popped into my head. She loved me!

Finally in my pajamas, clean, perfumed and happy I ran downstairs and before she could do or say anything I hugged her. For one second her guard was down, for one second she hugged me back. She really hugged me and held me! I whispered: “I love you sooo much!”

– I know, silly, I love you, too… – I hugged her even tighter. I felt there was nothing in the world I couldn’t do. She kissed my hair, gently leaned her cheek on it and then she sighed – But that doesn’t change the fact that we have to talk. – Very gently she pushed me away and towards the couch. The belt was on the table… Pillows stacked on one armchair, almost to the top of the back side…

– As you can see – she continued in a strict and soothing voice – I have made some changes, because this year everything will be different. You will be studying at that table. Kim bought you a new laptop and I had it connected with mine so I will now what you’re doing.

– But how…? – I was sincerely surprised and curious. She just gave me a warning look, not to interrupt her, I guess.

– You will report to me, when you leave for school and when you finish. I will know your location, and not only through your phone. I will look at your schedule for every class and you will turn in your papers at least one week ahead of the deadline. I will quiz you every night on the subject of my choice. If I am not satisfied, you will get a sound spanking. – I felt elevated. I felt I could do it. It was such a wonderful feeling after so much time of hating myself. A strange kind of self-confidence was appearing. I felt I could actually do it all. I even saw myself getting all As. It will all be worth it! We will succeed. I will overcome this stage of idiocy and I will be able to do so much for her one day. But then, she continued: – You will also start working part-time. – I was getting dizzy. I can’t do it all and work. It’s too much…. I can’t… – There is an opening for an entry level office clerk position in my company. – In her company!!! Is this a dream come true or a nightmare…? But how will I work and study! Last year I was supposed to do only one and I failed. My thoughts were racing. – You have the interview for the position on Tuesday. On Monday, you will come with me to my office and meet with the clerk who will teach you the necessary things and explain everything you need to know to impress them on the interview. Anna, are you listening to me!? – she instantly got angry.

– Yes, yes, I am sorry. It’s just too…..

-Yes?

– Well it’s too much…

– Stop it right there! First of all, it is not too much. Secondly, I will be there every step of the way, like it or not and if I see that it is too much, you will be allowed to quit the job. However, until I say differently you will be studying, working and getting all As.

-All As! But that’s impossible with the – but she didn’t let me finish. She got up and said firmly:

– Get up and bend over the armchair.

– But Nat, please… – I knew I deserved a spanking for sooo many things, I did, but I couldn’t make myself get up. And I wanted to explain to her that I cannot do what she wanted me to.

– Do not whine and do what I said. You deserved this over the summer so many times and don’t make me get into details. If I remember everything you won’t be able to sit for days! – I wasn’t moving. I was just imploring her with my eyes, voiceless. Of course, it did not work.

– If you don’t get up, it will be without the pajamas.- she said in a nonnegotiable voice while holding the belt in her right hand. Since she had such convincing arguments, I just had no choice but to force my legs to work. The back of the armchair was surprisingly wide with the height just below my rib-cage. I leaned on it.

– All the way over. – she added without any empathy. – I gave her a final imploring over the shoulder but there was no changing her mind.

As my feet were leaving the floor my upper body found support on the pillows. I felt so exposed and ridiculous… my butt in the air like that…I hated the humiliation part of it. The whole set up made me feel like I was too old and too big for this… The discipline was supposed to make me feel protected and within the safe boundaries, like a child and this was making me feel ridiculous… But the moment she approached and  put her hand on my back, my thoughts were gone. Fear was seeping through me. For a second it felt like I had never been spanked. I was struggling not to jump from the armchair and run. I wished so much I were a small kid that could hug her, sinking my head into her belly and practically hugging her waist or her legs. I wished I could be so tiny that scolding would be seen as enough.

– Why didn’t you answer my calls this summer? – her voice brought me back to how I had treated her.

– Because I felt guilty… – I felt pretty shitty and I felt like I had nothing to lose.

-Ahm…- she was expecting me to continue.

– I knew I had been horribly difficult, and childish, and… a total failure… and you offered me everything…. and you’re not my Mom… it’s not like you had any obligation to … to.. to take care of me like I was your…. like …as if…

-my daughter. – she was impatient.

– yes, … and I had taken away a whole year of your life…. I was a burden and… I mean, you put in the effort and I didn’t…

-So you decided to repay me by ignoring me?

– Nooooo… I wanted to stop being the burden… I wanted to free you from myself.

– But, without putting in the effort. You wanted an easy way out. So you can make the “effort” worth even less.- I was speechless. She was right. Now I wanted to get off the armchair and face her. But as I made a move she pressed her hand on my back and started snapping that belt fast and too effectively. My thighs and my butt were sore within two minutes. I was shocked at first and only gasping with the strokes, but the pain was building up fast. Every stroke burned like hell very soon.

– Naaat … Please…I am soooory I am sorryyy – I begged, but she went on relentlessly. Soon, I had trouble catching my breath between the sobs. – I’ll… do .. every-thing-I-am-sorry….- It was a terrible experience, and it felt almost cruel. The sounds of the belt were ominous. – I aaa-aam sorryyyy…Naa-aaaat .. I’ll be good I’ll be good I promi—ise . – I knew she had to make it horrible because this was supposed to be punishment for the whole summer, and also a warning of what would happen, but… it didn’t feel loving at all. – Pleeease .. nooo mooore… – I imagined my butt won’t be red but kind of bruised. – Pleaa- aseee… Finally, after spiraling further and further into horror mode, suddenly I switched into some state where I could only feel the pain, hear the belt, and let out emotions, crying like a hurting baby, without filter. And then she stopped.

I slowly came out of that state, and I knew I felt different although still sobbing. She gently touched my forearm as an invitation to get off the armchair. As I was getting up and wiping my face she handed me a tissue. When I turned around I saw that her face had been streaked with tears and that it was now dry. I hugged her and she hugged me tightly. While she was holding me, she kissed my head a couple of times and whispered, almost as if she was asking me to promise.

“Don’t you ever pull this again! Ok, kiddow?”

“I won’t. I promise.”

I was incredibly tired, but somehow there weren’t any thoughts in my head. I mean, I kept thinking: “I love you, I love you so much”, but it wasn’t really a thought, it was more of a mental verbalization of the overwhelming feeling. But there weren’t thoughts about past or the future. And there was peace.

(Just for the record, I saw that my butt was slightly bruised on the right sit spot but the rest of it and the thighs had deep red stripes, but not bruised. So the cruelty part was mostly in my head. )

Anna and Natalie 6

Natalie wasn’t happy with my progress, but she accepted it and helped me reevaluate what I actually could accomplish. I think she was being cautious not to overwhelm me this time, but I missed her strictness, because she was acting out of fear or … some sense of responsibility towards me… It didn’t feel like love and she didn’t seem herself. I found out that she had consulted a psychiatrist and she wanted me to go with her or alone for a consult.

In the end I passed the exams with two Bs and two Cs, but, of course, I lost the scholarship… and I delayed making the appointment with the shrink, because ….”been there, done that”.

Instead of enjoying my summer, I knew I was supposed to take summer courses and work… it was depressing, it was too much, so I gave up…

Natalie was blaming herself which was distancing her from me. I knew I had failed everyone and that I was making a mess out of my life. I’ve been hearing about student loans and incessant debts and had sworn thousands of times that it would never be me…

At first, I was about to give up, as always, but then I thought about all options, selling my body, stealing, selling drugs,… I actually considered all of them… The emptiness in my heart made me not care… about morals or other people… but it also made me not care about myself, so I couldn’t push myself to do any of those things in order to pursue my studies, which stopped being worth the effort.

After a couple of days I decided to go back home. I didn’t announce my decision to just quit school to anyone. Natalie disagreed with my decision to go home, but that was all she said. “I think you should take summer classes. But it’s your choice”.

I pretended it was easier to find work at home. Mum tried all in her power to cheer me up once I got there. She was trying to show me how it could all still turn out just fine. I spent my days sleeping in… with the curtains over the windows, watching TV shows when I just couldn’t sleep any more… and I couldn’t help thinking about Nat and what we could have been doing at that moment in some different reality…

You know… the usual pity party. 

Mum was helpless as always. I asked her not to tell Nat anything, and I think Natalie didn’t really call her much. When Mum called her she talked about how busy she was, but I was sure that it she was trying to find a way out. 

I thought a lot about suicide, but I always kept thinking how I couldn’t do it to Mum. The summer was flying past me… I would start getting panicked, then, I just wanted oblivion, then I would let myself watch TV shows and not think about the future. The school year was about to start, I made myself go through the necessary procedures of taking a year off, although I thought it was going to be forever. When everything was over, I told my Mum that I had quit. We talked about me going to a psychiatrist, again. At that point, it seemed a fine idea to me because I felt I couldn’t get out of it by myself…. although I did start thinking about how wonderful it would be if somehow Nat cared about me enough, if she was my female father… somehow… and I sank deeper into the sorrow…

*****

I was coming down the stairs when I heard Nat’s voice. She was talking to Mum over Skype and she was mad. I froze on the top of the stairs, my heart beating like crazy. I was alive again. I felt the familiar fear mixed with the wonderful feeling of being cared for by a powerful being. I had forgotten how marvelous a feeling that was. My heart was singing: She cares!! I haven’t lost her! She cares about me!!!

Nat kept saying how my Mum couldn’t let me ruin my own life, how she should be stricter, and my Mum, miserable and helpless on the verge of tears, kept repeating how she’s powerless and how she can’t be strict because we don’t have that kind of a relationship.

Nat had asked to talk to me couple of days ago, but I made my Mum lie. She tried to Skype me once and wrote: “Call me!” but I kept my invisible status and answered when I knew she was working or on her way to work. “I guess you’re getting to work. I didn’t see the msg earlier… How are you??”. And then I turn the Skype off for weeks. My phone was cancelled and it was easy to just make my Mum lie.

– Tell her to come and talk to me now. Or even better, take the laptop to her room. –  A whirlpool of feelings sucked me in. The longing to see her, talk to her,… God how much I wanted to hug her, the fear, the embarrassment because if she talked about spanking in front of Mum that would be humiliating, so I would have to brush it off, like it doesn’t matter… and… there would be a confrontation…

Mum was moving!!! I ran into my room, looked at the mirror. I looked despicable.

Mum was already knocking!

– Honey, Nat wants to talk to you.

-Oh, just enter her room! – My Goddess was impatient. Mum has always been easily influenced by Nat. Not that I could blame her.

She was about to enter when I opened the door and took the laptop.

– Thanks, Mum! – I whispered  with a begging, apologizing expression. – Close the door pleeeease…

***

– Just take your time, Anna. Don’t you hurry. – a beloved scary voice boomed from the speakers. – And your room is an unacceptable mess. – I dared turn the camera towards me only when I put it on the table.

-Nat… – I couldn’t speak. I loved her so much… my eyes were welling up from emotions.

– Why didn’t you call me? Look at me!! – I was already on the verge of crying. I wanted to look at her. Oh, how much I had missed her. The tears were already streaming down my cheeks ….  – What are you trying to do? Kill your mother? ( I was looking for paper tissues) What’s that nonsense with quitting school. You wouldn’t be the first student to work and study. Anna, I told you to look at me!

– I am sorry… I can’t. I mean… I can’t study and work…

– Stop that right now. Oh,…how I want to shake that out of you! I can’t wait to lay my hands on you, then you will be sorry.

– I am thankful for all your time and effort, and I’m…

-THANKFUL FOR MY EFFORT!!!

– It didn’t sound…

– Oh, it DID NOT! Listen to me, young lady. I want you to call the university, try to fix everything and come here on Saturday. Is that understood?

-No, Nat, please, listen to me…

-… telling me how you can’t do it when I know you can?

-No, but, Nat…

– I don’t have the time to come there, and trust me you don’t want me to. I am expecting you on Saturday. And you’d better get your act together right now or we’ll have problems.

– But… – and the “call ended”.

I sat there wondering what had just happened. I was scared of what was awaiting me… not the spanking – that – I almost wanted, but the effort and the energy it would all demand. And now, when some time had passed by and when I had realized how high-maintenance I had been and how much of a burden for Nat, I knew I couldn’t do it again, knowing it would be all in vain. Knowing I could never “pay her back” in time, effort, help… because I was pathetic. The excitement and energy I had started feeling just disappeared, like a pierced balloon. I couldn’t make her waste any more time on me… be in her way… it wouldn’t be fair … it just wouldn’t be right.

When Mum asked me about the conversation I just said how Nat is delusional thinking I’m going there on Saturday and how she should tell her not to expect me.

***

The next day Mum gave me a plane ticket and said Natalie made her buy it saying how this is the last chance to wake me up. And I saw that she felt how deep I was. I said I would go, but only to explain to Natalie that I absolutely cannot do it. She accepted it with a sparkle in her eyes. Nat was her Goddess as well, the all powerful kind.

Robin 5

Robin was driving. I know how in the USA that is the most common thing in the world and that 16 year old kids drive. But, in my country you have to be 18 to start with classes and pass the exam, and you need two average monthly salaries to pay for the classes and exam, and by the time those conditions are fulfilled, some of the responsibility and fears arrive, and on top of everything, using a car is not a cheap experience. So, maybe because of the stick shift, which is still largely predominant, and maybe also because of the poverty: more than half of the population don’t own a car… Or, maybe because I couldn’t drive… Anyhow… seeing a woman driving was always something powerful for me, and sitting next to my loved one while she was managing the traffic jam in the trickiest roundabout of the capital made me feel like I am sitting next to a Goddess. I loved seeing her focused and calm at the same time.

We were going to a kind of a party at her friend’s house. She was gorgeous. The shirt made her breasts look perfect. Her hair flowing over her shoulders, light, silky. She was wearing a watch that made her look elegant and powerful at the same time. I looked at her wrists and hands and had an instant shiver of excitement and love throughout my whole body.

“What’s up?” she asked without looking at me. I was shocked that she had noticed that slight a tension in me. It was amazing! I wished I could read her thoughts in the same way.

“Nothing” I laughed ” I just looked at your hands… and…”

“… and you were looking forward to tonight?!” she asked teasingly and quickly glanced at me; and after stopping at the traffic light, she, not so gently, patted my thigh and then squeezed it, again, not too gently.

“Robin!!” I was still laughing, but I was getting turned on. The next second her hand was on the stick-shift and her focus on the traffic.

As always when I feel joy, I remembered why I shouldn’t be so joyful. There was this paper I was writing… well, I was supposed to be writing. I mean the requirements were ridiculous. I was supposed to find one thing I don’t agree within an academic paper about a piece of literature. I mean, how was I supposed to disagree with somebody who had read that piece ten thousand times and analyzed every freakin’ sentence in it and the meaning of every word?! And then, I will find something wrong with it! Right! Like that’s going to happen! I felt like it was an impossible task and the deadline was just a couple of days away. I had been putting it off for a whole month. And yes, all you tops, self-disciplined people out there, I knoooooowww… I could have at least tried… and I could have read at least ten papers…. but… I just didn’t think it was possible for me to do it well… so I wasn’t exactly looking forward to wasting my time to fail…

“Love, do you have any obligations this weekend?”, my Goddess asked and I sank deep, wishing I could smash my elbow through the window to punish myself for leaving the paper for the last moment… that is … the weekend.

“am… not much… I have something to write, but I could probably finish it before the weekend, and then just polish it up on Sunday evening.” yeah, right.. like hell I could finish it… if I find what I disagree with by Sunday evening I should be happy. “Why?” I tried to sound relaxed, but I guess my excitement was clouded by self-hatred and the burden of the paper awaiting me….

“What are you working on?” Yes, of course she answered my question with a question. Of course, I couldn’t hide it.

“Some paper…it’s so stupid and irritating. I mean, how am I supposed to disagree with experts!?” oooops… I let off more steam then I had planned.

“What do you mean ‘disagree with experts’?!” I sighed and explained what the requirements were. I tried not to show how much I didn’t believe in myself and … well, why not be honest with you,… how much I didn’t feel like putting in that much effort… But, my Goddess isn’t easily tricked, so she gave the conclusion to my expose:

“and you think you can’t do it, so you haven’t even started?”

“Well, I have started… I mean, I read the story, and it’s like 80 pages…. and I downloaded the academic papers… and I… read about 10 of them” Yes, you’re guessing right, I didn’t even finish reading the second paper, but you know how it is when you have to show that you did try your best.

“Oh, so what where they claiming?” She said as she was turning off the engine.

“Well, one was claiming that the character changed before he died and that the love he felt made his dying easier….and the other one…” (wooooooooow, what a rookie mistake) “ones…” (I corrected myself quickly but my voice completely betrayed me) “I can’t remember … I read them like two weeks ago…”

“ahm….” She didn’t speak. She was just looking at me with her left eyebrow slightly raised and her stare piercing and ominous.

“But, Robiiiin,” (yes, I was whining already) “I didn’t find anything I disagree with!!!”

“First of all,” her tone was ice cold, “was it the other one, or ones; and be very careful when you answer.”

My heart was beating like crazy. Whyyyy did I lie? Why am I so stupid?!

“…one” … I barely pronounced my voice already quivering… “I am sorry…”

“Why did you lie? Because you wanted to pretend that you did everything you could, but the paper is too difficult for you? You wanted to convince me that you can’t do it?”

“Well, I couldn’t find…”

“Stop that this instant! When did you read the story?”

“About a month ago.”

“And you read the papers about two weeks ago?”

“well,… yes….but”

“You knew what should have been the first step?”

“Yes, rereading the story… But I didn’t know which one to choose…”

“I will slap you right here if you don’t stop with those lame excuses.” She snapped holding her hand ready in case I try to speak. She seemed angry and even a little distant. It was scaring me. Not in the way that a spanking scares me, in a more horrifying way. She put both of her hands back on the steering wheel. And for some reason, that move made me feel like Selena used to make me feel: like my struggle doesn’t matter, like I am worth less because of it. And instead of saying what I felt, what I was scared of, or instead of letting myself feel the pain of what I perceived as rejection, I somehow, got angry.

“Well, I am not perfect, ok, I am lazy, I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t feel like doing it! I am lazy, there…” She was slowly turning her head and body toward me, in disbelief, but I wasn’t stopping. “I knew that if I read enough papers I would find two writers who disagree on something …” I blurted it out, but I hadn’t thought about it before. Suddenly, the problem seemed half solved, I would just pit one expert against another. It didn’t seem impossible anymore! I was relieved for a split second. But when I took a good look at her, I realized that she had a strange expression on her face. I read it as anger, disappointment and distance. Instead of retreating, I pushed on. Don’t ask me why, because I have no idea why I did it. I continued as if I was arguing with her: “What?! That would have been just a starting point. I would have thought about it myself… I just… before I got this idea it felt insurmountable… and I couldn’t push myself to do it.”

There was silence and for a second I felt tempted to continue talking in order to fill it, in order for her disappointment to stop being so loud. However, the pause gave me time to think, and to feel. I felt panic spreading through my body and tears rising from my stomach… and terror growing in my head:

“I am sorry I spoke like that… I will never talk like that to you again…” I touched her elbow in some pathetic attempt to try to get to her hand. And then I retreated because she wasn’t reacting.”I am sorry… Robin?”

She glanced at her watch. My God, how much I love that elegant wrist with that watch on it. I wanted her to touch me, even to slap me, but just to touch me with that hand. I wanted connection, of any kind.

“I am dropping you off home.” She said as she was starting the car.

 “No, Robin, please, I am sorry… “

 Selena wouldn’t have allowed me talking to her like that, she wouldn’t have called me or answered my calls for days or maybe even weeks without even admitting that she was angry. Actually, I wouldn’t have talked to her like that in the first place, because the punishment would have been so cruel I monitored my every move and every word and swallowed every negative emotion. This realization shocked me. I treated Selena better than I treat Robin!? What the f… is wrong with me!? Robin who was nothing but perfect, gentle, patient, accepting… How could have I been such an idiot?! I couldn’t stop thinking about my behavior and wishing I could turn back the time.

“I am sorry,” I repeated after couple of minutes. “I will never do it again… I am sorry”…  I wasn’t whining, this was so much deeper. I was on the verge of accepting that the dreaded moment had come and that she saw me for who I was- a narcissistic, spoiled, lazy, self-centered, stupid idiot. I was sorry more than I could express and I just kept thinking how she didn’t deserve me talking to her like that. I couldn’t wait to get home and disappear. I hated masters degree, I hated the paper, but most of all I hated not being able to change. I just wanted to lie in bed and fall asleep, and hopefully never face the emptiness of my world again. I wondered if maybe I could find somebody who is into drugs and like …. take something really bad! I really just wanted to die.

When she stopped in front of my building, I couldn’t believe that was the end.  She didn’t even bother to park, just like Selena. I had experience with this, I thought, just leave quickly, because you have become a bother, a nuisance.

She looked at her watch again, and I went for the door and at the same time I said.

“I am sorry, Robin, … I really am…” She sighed.

“I know, honey.” I couldn’t believe my luck! Honey!!! Honey!!! Did she say ‘honey’??! That is the most beautiful word in the world!!! She sounded understanding, and like I was hers. Like I sill was hers.

“We are not breaking up!????” I closed the door and eagerly looked at her.

She tilted her head and looked at me incredulously.

“Oh, silly…” – she almost smiled, but there certainly was a smile in her eyes and that was enough for me. “No, of course not, but the punishment will be severe.”

Some guy stopped behind us. My street is a one-way, narrow street.

“You will read the story and the other 9 papers, and we’ll talk more tonight.”

“Thank you!!!!” I hugged her and she slapped my butt twice with all her strength. Well, it felt like that.

“Ouch… I love you so much! Thank you!!!” I quickly left because the guy had started to honk.

***

Now, that I have written this text, I will do as I was told. You understand that I had to write this first, right? 😀

***

At first, I had trouble focusing on the text. I felt like squealing from joy because she loved me! She loved me!! And I would see her soon and everything was perfect and whether or not I did the paper …well whether or not I did it right, didn’t matter. I wouldn’t care even if I got a C. I had her in my life!

Finally, the story pulled me in and I read. When the character was thinking about his dying, I would think how great it is that I am not as depressed as a couple of months ago. I found hidden meanings in the text, saw things I hadn’t noticed before. And I got a little bit more confident.

Robin told me about building self-confidence through action, but it hadn’t truly made sense until that moment. I also realized that I had that idea about pitting two experts against each other because I finally let myself think about the paper, and stopped running away from it.

I found the paper I had started reading two weeks ago, and after just a couple of pages I found something I didn’t agree with! I felt a jolt of energy and joy! But then, when I continued reading the author’s explanation, his point started to make sense, and I doubted my opinion, because his seemed much more convincing and I started to spiral down. I opened a third paper, when, suddenly, a message on the phone beeped and it was Her!!!

“Honey, how’s it going?”

“Not too bad! I found something I disagree with!!!” and then I put in a bunch of happy emojis and hearts. Then, I sent another message: “I am sooooooo sooooo sorry for today! I am soooooooo sooo sorry!!!” and then some sad and crying faces.

“Good. Then, write, while it is still easy for you to sit on that bottom of yours.”

I knew that that was supposed to scare me, but I was excited about the prospect of seeing her again after the argument… I mean, after my … reaction… whatever….

“I will. I promise, but aren’t you coming over? 🙂 “

“No. I’ll pick you up tomorrow evening”.

I was disappointed, but determined to finish the paper by tomorrow morning. And then maybe even get some other things done, so I can be wide open for the weekend.

Nevertheless, the fact that she wrote instead of calling, bothered me. Was that a part of punishment; or was she still angry and did not want to hear my voice because it would be irritating; or was it because she felt that a phone call would somehow distract me more than a message?

“OK. And if I finish the whole paper by tomorrow, will there be… the weekend?” A pleading emoji was trying to convey my emotions, but what I really wanted was to call her.

“If you don’t continue working on your paper, and you let your thoughts wander, I will come, and you will be very sorry.”

She knew what I needed to send me back to that joyful and productive space! And I was on!!!!!

***

Although I didn’t finish until late afternoon next day, I was working on good vibes: imagining how I will hug her and hold her. I had fears about her being distant, but I hoped for the best.

***

When the car stopped, I hurried in and I hugged her tightly, but she just kissed my hair and patted me on the back.

“You are cheerful…” I could feel that she was suppressing a smile, maybe even a laugh. I realized that I must seem completely silly to her, but somehow I felt that maybe she doesn’t mind it. I actually hoped that she liked it. I felt like my heart was out in the open, and all hers.

***

“Since you seem to have forgotten what happened yesterday, I believe you need a reminder first.” she said as we were walking to her front door.

“No, I remember.. I am really sorry… It won’t happen again!”

She didn’t say anything. When we entered her house, there was silence. I turned toward her and was about to wrap my arms around her shoulders when she caught me by the wrists.

“No, honey. Not until we have finished with the punishment.”

“But, I missed you.”

“We would have spent the night together if you hadn’t thrown that tantrum in the car and if you had worked on the paper on time. So, you ruined my night as well.” she said.

“I am sorry, …. ” I felt sad and guilty, but I was so thankful that she was there and that she was nothing like Selena. So thankful that she cared enough to spank me for not doing the paper on time and that her solution for that mouthing off, was spanking and not breaking up.

Robin walked to the kitchen and took a wooden spoon. Her heels were making ominous sound on the tiles.

Well, it is usually sexy, but at that moment it was scary. The whole house was so silent, except for the heels. The seriousness of the situation was beginning to dawn on me.

“Come here and take off your jeans.” I did as she said with trembling hands, but quickly. Leaving them on the floor I stepped towards her. I wanted to accept the punishment as repentantly as I was feeling when she said: “Lean over the counter”.

“Over the counter?!” I wanted to be obedient, but I also wanted her to hold me, this was too official. It was like those cruel punishments by people who hate the one they are punishing. Like, you know, the head masters or nuns in those schools from the last century. But I remembered, I really was guilty… I remembered how I had talked to her and, also, she convinced me with a couple of really hard smacks. “o…ookaa..y”. I was in position. The counter was cold. Everything felt as if it’s not really happening until she put her hand on my lower back.

The smacks started raining all over my butt and thighs. After about 20 or so, I couldn’t stand still any more, so I tried to turn around when she delivered couple of really hard ones which made me cry out. She slowed down, but still continued for a while although I was whimpering and wincing.

Then she took my forearm and led me all the way to a corner in her bedroom. I had my head bowed still sniffling, knowing that I deserved what I had gotten. Until we got there I kept looking at the floor in front of me. She gave me a box of tissues and looked at me calmly and with a very serious expression.

“You will stand here and think about everything you will do differently the next time.” I nodded, still almost sobbing.

As she was taking off her clothes before the shower and as the burn all over my behind and thighs was slightly calming down I felt tempted to catch her reflection in the mirror. I had barely moved my head half an inch when she added.

“And if you move, love, I won’t finish the spanking with you over my knee.”

I practiced self-control and I didn’t move, but standing was really difficult for me. I don’t know if you have that problem, but when I have to stand still I start feeling light headed, and like blood is leaving my cheeks, and the more I stand the more I feel like I am about to collapse. I tried not to think about the standing and to focus on what I would do differently if I got into the same situation.

It was easy to think when I was looking at it from outside. If I felt doubt and helplessness, I would take action toward the goal, even if it was a very small move. If I still felt helpless and like the situation is overwhelming, I would calmly explain the situation and ask her for advice, and support, and help before wasting days in procrastination, self hatred, and all those bad feelings… Wow!!! I realized that now I had her to ask for help! I had that brilliant and patient woman to ask for help! She probably wouldn’t judge and dismiss my problems.

For a couple of minutes I thought about my good luck, but then I started yawning, due to the lack of oxygen in my head or something like that. And I know that when I start yawning it means things are about to get worse, fast, unless I sit down. I could hear the water running in the shower, and I was getting progressively sleepier and weaker. The sleepiness reminded me how my biggest problem is procrastination and laziness even when I know I can do something, even when it is easy… although, maybe there is something behind it…. but it was getting difficult to focus. The weird sweating-like feeling around the spine began and I started feeling nauseous. There was no choice, I had to sit on the floor. I sat, but I didn’t do it soon enough. The nausea was rising and even though I held my head between my knees the horrible sleepy feeling wasn’t stopping. I started feeling like I was dizzy and sick in a bus ride. I lay down and after a minute or so of admiring her beautiful, soft and clean carpet, and thinking how she doesn’t have anything under her bed, everything went back to normal, except that I felt weak and like I needed a lot of water and something sweet.

Water!!! I couldn’t hear the water anymore!!! I quickly stood up, but then everything went black for a second and I had to squat back down. Damn anemia or whatever it is! I had to sit down again. I can’t tell her about it because she will make me have my blood drawn and who knows what…

“Love, are you feeling ok?” She was already behind me. I froze. Her hand under my chin, she gently made me look at her. My soul welcomed that gentle touch. “You are really pale.” She knelt on the floor next to me. I wanted to hug her, but then I saw the worried expression, which for some reason looked strict. How much did she see??? Did she see me lying down? How much do I have to say? She took my wrist to check the pulse.

“Yes, I am just really thirsty… horribly thirsty… I am sorry.”

“Shhh, hon.” She looked very focused on the pulse and her watch. I felt such love for her. She was so grown up, so powerful… My pulse is usually incredibly low in these situations, but the adrenaline of getting caught and of her holding my hand must have gotten it back to normal, because my pulse was 62 beats per minute. “I’ll get you the water, babe. You don’t even look that pale anymore…” I must have confused her.

She came back with the water and the stethoscope and patted a place on the bed for me to sit.

“Take off the shirt, hon” she said, while she was adjusting the stethoscope. Something about medical examination, and especially that she was doing it, felt scary.

“I just felt dizzy because I got up too quickly. It happens to everyone.”

She wasn’t about to argue with me or to ask why I was down in the first place. She had the no-nonsense look, took my water put it on the bedside table and simply took my shirt off herself. It felt as if I were a small kid, which made me feel strange: comforted, and embarrassed and scared, and relieved all at the same time. I was about to say that I am really fine.

“Shush! … Breathe!” I didn’t even realize that I had stopped breathing. “Everything seems fine. But, what were you feeling?”

I reached for the water in order not to look at her. “I was just really thirsty and sleepy. I hadn’t drunk anything for hours (I was lying, I would die if I didn’t drink water for such a long time), and tonight I slept only for couple of hours.” After a long sip, I added: “I finished the paper, though!”

“mhm…. but what were your sensations? Did you feel nauseous, or light-headed, or like your heart is beating too quickly or irregularly…Or like… there was something fluttering in your chest?”

Wow, wasn’t this tricky? Both yes and no are trouble. Truth or dare….

“Well,” I was pretending I was trying to remember. “I did feel a little lightheaded. But it was more like when you are really sleepy…you know. But I am ok, I really am.” I said as I was carefully standing up. I walked to the corner. “You see,” I added facing the walls.

“Ok, then, you can come here”

I stood in front her in my bra and panties. She took my face in her hands with such an expression that I had no idea what she was going to do next. And then she checked my lower eyelids.

“You are anemic, love”

“Oh, I know. I am taking iron supplements… already.” Well, it was almost true because I did use to take them, and I was going to start again the next day, so I almost didn’t lie.

“Oh, ok, then, let me know when you finish this round so we can check the situation. Understood?”

“Yes” And in my head I added: and let’s hope you don’t have good memory! Suddenly, I took a good look at her and saw that she looked incredibly tired. I took her hand and kissed it. “I am so sorry about everything…”

“Ok, let’s go to bed now, and in the morning we will finish what we started”

She fell asleep in my arms while I was gently stroking her hair. That was the position I had been yearning for years. I didn’t need anything else in life, just her in my arms.

And, of course, I thought about Selena. How much I worried about her and how much I put my life on hold so that I can be of help to her. Why didn’t I notice earlier how tired Robin had been? Was I taking her for granted?! Was I expecting her to treat me like I treated Selena because that was my dysfunctional definition of love? How do I stay present in that relaxed state of being loved and not become selfish, self-involved….?And how do I not become too preoccupied to be present…? Because I used to that with Selena too…

I was stroking Robin’s beautiful hair and I felt so much love…if somebody was looking at us and could see the energy they would have seen a beautiful bubble of love energy! I am sure of it!

Robin 4

***Hi everyone 🙂 This is my first story with sexual context and I would appreciate any comments and critiques… ***

Robin was sleeping so peacefully. I felt such strong love for her. I loved the way her hair was spread on the pillow. She has wonderful hair and, like, double the amount of mine. I used to have wonderful hair when I was a teenager… why aren’t I a teenager, beautiful and young, then she would have something to love… Why does she love me… ? How can she…? How can I make myself worthy of her love?

– Hey, babe, what’s up? – she startled me. I felt so happy to hear her voice as if I had imagined her gone and then she came back. A smile lit up my face and hers as well.

-Silly, what had you worried? You had such a look on your face… – I felt alive with love and decided that I could treat her like a queen and try to become the best me I can be and maybe actually give her a reason to love me.

– I wanted to make you breakfast, and bring it to bed, but I couldn’t remember what would be special but healthy ….

– Some other time, maybe, but you can do something else for me…. – She smiled temptingly and I pulled the blanket off of her and started towards her neck when she stopped me.

– No, in the shower. – I loved the idea of making love in the shower but I felt so exposed there as well… My expression must have betrayed me. – You don’t want to? – She was a bit surprised.

– No, no, no… I want to! Of course I do!

-Mhmmm – She smiled and kissed me. – I’ll be ready in five minutes, OK?

-am… yeah, ok. – I was a little surprised. Our love making had been rather spontaneous on the previous 6 occasions, but my thoughts quickly led me to think about my body and I rushed to the downstairs bathroom for a quick brushing of teeth and a shower, so I can smell nicely… Must have taken too long…

She awaited for me in front of the downstairs bathroom door.

– I thought we were going to shower together. – She was strict, a little angry maybe, but maybe also a tiny bit amused… I couldn’t really tell.

-um.. I am sorry… I … I … – I was already on the verge of whimpering – I just wanted to brush my teeth,…  ’cause I thought you went to do the same… – she was awaiting more… – and then… I thought I could just wash up a little bit … ’cause I felt like I… smelled… – I hated my body for not being perfect like hers. She never smelled, she was perfect…. – She stood there silently. Reflecting on something deep, I guess, because her reactions were usually quite quick. I felt like I ruined everything. I mean who would want to have sex with someone thinking about how they smelled badly… and I was getting nervous and I was worried that she would get a proof of what I was talking about…. this whole relationship thing is too tiring… you have to be perfect all the time… How can people live in the same house and be present for all the terrible, disgusting things….?

She finally looked at me seriously.

– This is something that requires a long discussion. – My hands went straight for my butt. She chuckled. – No, not like that. Well, not only like that. More of a verbal discussion. Unfortunately, we don’t have time for that right now… – I must have looked relieved because she chuckled again. – So, now, you will march that little butt of yours into my bathroom. – and she gave me a rather hard slap on the mentioned butt to prove her point.

-Robiiin – I turned around with a relieved smile and kissed her. I made it my mission to satisfy her.

She had prepared us a fuming hot bath (it felt like it’s going to be too hot) and it was like a paradise in there. The candles with colored covers gave the bathroom a magical appearance, the lovely scents added to the atmosphere. I realized that while I was focused on myself, she was focused on mutual pleasure, and I kicked myself for it. I have to change.

She distracted me soon enough. She sat on the bathtub and held my hand.

– no…. but honey…. –  I hated myself for whining…  She cut me off  with one strict look. I approached her and as I was placing myself over her lap she started talking.

– I will not address what we left downstairs, nor the lies you told me in bed – I stiffened. How could she have known!? My thighs received a couple of medium slaps for that one. – Relax. This one is supposed to be a pleasure spanking.

I wanted to say that it didn’t feel like it, but I kept my mouth shut.

She started caressing my bottom. Sliding her hand from one side to another letting her fingers slightly slip between the cheeks and touching the lips of my vulva. The pleasure began to flow through my body. – However… – she continued in her role…-  you have been a little brat – she put her hand in the bathtub and gently spread the water all over my backside… – and you do deserve a spanking. – With that she started – splat – splat…  – she wasn’t putting much force in them but they stung.

-Hey… that stings!

-I know… – she caressed my skin some more and bathed it in some more water… letting her fingers stay longer between my thighs… I was lifting my bottom and trying to get more pleasure but she took something from the sink. A brush!!! I panicked and wanted to get up when I got the first of it, rather hard one.

– Owwww….

– You know the rules.

– but it’s pleasure spanking… it’s not supposed to huurt! – She gave me couple of more fast ones on the cheeks and on the thighs and then she gently moved the brush over the rosy slightly stinging cheeks. As I started to open up my legs she went for my clit with her hand leaving the ominous brush in the other. The pleasure was mounting when she started to used the brush on my cheeks again. The teasing was unbearable, I wanted to cum.

– please… I started to press myself against her thighs which earned me couple of real brush spanks.

– Stop it! – she said in a most convincing voice and continued slowly with the brush. After about a minute or so of delightful, torturing sensations her finger went back to circling the entrance to the vagina before she sank it inside.

***

Just for the record, I also  made her cum, twice that morning and everything was perfect!

Well, until the weekend.

LIV

Finally, for the first time we will be together, sleeping in the same room. We will certainly talk about so many things. Certainly, this will be the best holiday ever!!! Now, we will get closer! I’ll get to truly meet her and maybe she’ll have time to talk about the things we never got around to. Maybe she will even listen to me, and get to care about me. I mean, yeah, she says she cares, and her Mom said that she loves me, but she doesn’t treat me like she loves me… maybe now, when she gets to know me, maybe she will truly adopt me as her little sister or just a younger friend… Yes, all you brats and tops out there… yes I would like her to adopt me as her brat, but I know that’s not possible, she’s straight and she’s not into …you know… spanking.

She was spanked as a child and she’s never hit anyone like that, ever! She threatens all the time and at first I thought it meant something – I thought it meant she was adopting me, but that’s just something she says, and she even says it to older people… And it’s been 9 years now, and I’ve deserved it many times both by my standards and by hers… OK, I admit… I am hoping for something like that as well on this holiday, but I am not expecting it…The trick is I can’t really be naughty because then she’ll never let me go on a holiday with her. And, also she doesn’t spank, she becomes cold and distant and I just fear that I would lose this friendship, although it’s far from the friendship I want but… it’s something…I can’t wait to get there…Wish me luck!


***

She went out with him. Again. I thought I wouldn’t hate him. But I do and to be honest I don’t even know why. He is an OK guy, but I feel like … like she submits to him. I mean, she could have a much better guy, a more mature one, a more successful one, even a better looking one, but she chose him and he stands like… like a freakin’ gorilla about to pound his chest. When she is with him… she wants to prove something and she becomes kind of… smaller in my eyes… Oh, this is stupid.

OK, if we are pretending I am an adult (I am almost 30 but that doesn’t mean I am an adult in my heart and head, I would choose a milkshake over an alcoholic drink any day), then I’ll go out and be an adult, I will be sexy, I will flirt, I will get drunk. Oh, I hope I’ll find someone who has some drugs. I don’t care what. I mean, I won’t take heroin or something that bad, but pot… or… ecstasy …. or even coke… I’ll take it and I’ll go back in the morning and pretend like she’s being ridiculous for being worried, I’ll tell her that I am not a baby and that I don’t need a babysitter …
****

I got drunk, didn’t find anyone with drugs. Well, to be completely honest I wasn’t really looking too hard. I came home at 2 am, but she wasn’t there… I wanted to go back outside, so she can come to an empty room, but I was just too tired to do it.

****

I can hear her humming… she’s preparing breakfast… I feel sick…

– Come on, Liv, breakfast is on the table.

– Thanks, Remy, but I am really not hungry.

– We have a bit of a hang over, don’t we?  – her tone is almost teasing but a bit reproachful too.

– Yeah, but you came home late … – I try to be equally nonchalant but her face expression changes to irritated and “mind your own business”

– I think you should get a shower and eat … It’ll help you clear your head. – Right, I think to myself, we can talk about my hang over but not about her night life. In that way I am the younger one and the brat (I wish) but when she’s supposed give a damn about me then we’re just friends, regular, normal, and not too close either. Agrh…

***

Coming out of the shower I really do think clearer. If I continue pouting I could just ruin the whole day. Maybe if she starts caring about me… maybe if I am good… maybe then she will really love me enough to care about what I do…

– Better? – she asks looking for signs of pouting.

– Yeah, I am sorry – Shit…Whyyyy do I always apologize to her? I didn’t do anything wrong

– Iggy is taking us to that lovely beach today. We should be ready in 20 minutes. – we… again weeee …. we are not we… you and your precious boy toy are weeee, I am just a bother ...Probably reacting to my expression she adds, not too satisfied: -You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.

– No, I want to. – Of course I want to. That’s why I came here. For your crumbs. For bits of time I spend with you. – I mean, unless it’s only the two of you, in that case you should spend time together.-

No, Mario is coming as well. – she smiles, although I can see she’s not too happy that her boy toy brings his friends with him all the time. Mario wants to be with me. You know, like all men, he wants to have sex. I am ok looking. Some people say I look real good, but I don’t agree. Anyhow, I have all female body parts, some not so developed, but the one men need the most to relieve themselves  is present. So my friend’s boyfriend’s friend is into me… So what?

****

I try to swim as far away as I can, but I am not so fit, and not so brave either … I don’t swim far enough to make her worried. And Mario is always way too near. Finally, an idea pops into my head.

– Mario, can I ask you something, but… you know… don’t tell Remy.

-Yeah, sure. – yes, of course I was hoping he would blab.

– I wondered if you knew someone who sold …. – my brain is racing… should I go for the big stuff… what if pot is too little a deal…  – pot or ecstasy ?

– I think I actually might know a guy…Let me check with Iggy…

I grab his hand as he’s about to call out to Iggy

– Remy mustn’t know!

– Why? She got high wit us, yesterday. I wanted to invite you, we saw you in that club, but she said you were with some friends… are you OK? – No, I am not OK. I feel betrayed. I feel like a fool.

All my real friends told me not to come. Not to run where she is. They told me not to let her step over me like I am a piece of trash on the street. But I didn’t listen. I couldn’t accept the simple truth they told me: “She doesn’t love you. You must let her go.” She knew I was alone last night, she knew I was suffering, and she just didn’t care. And if my friends knew how much energy I was throwing her direction they would have told me to stop pressuring her. I know it… I know it all, in my mind but… I still want her love and attention… And then I got angry! She told me she thought smoking pot is for stupid people. So her boy toy made her stupid. She is stupid! Why do I love her?! Grr…

-Well, I actually wanted something stronger.

-Oh… – he was taken aback, but he liked me so he wanted to be the cool guy. – Sure, sure…

– Can you get me coke? I’ll give you the money when we get back to the hotel.

– umm… I’ll see what I can do… – He was so confused that I felt sorry for him… It wasn’t his fault that I am angry at the world…

***

I am lying in my bed. Tears dried. I can hear someone coming up the stairs. She started from the second she opened the door, wanting to yell but keeping in mind that we are in a hotel room.

– What is wrong with you!? – She threw the money I had given to Mario. – Did you want him to get arrested. – jeeeeez now she cares about freakin’ Mario. agrh… of course she does!! She cares about everyone except for me…Mario is so sweet… Mario likes you… Mario was sad when you rejected him… ” HA! Like I am not sad! Like I haven’t been sad for 9 years. ) 

I was about to sit up so we can talk… I thought she was mad at me for wanting to risk my life and all… The bitterness and anger welled up.

– Oh, he’s a big boy, he doesn’t need his Mommy to keep him safe from a mean girl who…. – She slapped me on the face so hard I thought my lip was cut. My hand instinctively went to my cheek and the tears rolled out. I laid back down and turned away from her, sobbing. I wanted to shout: I don’t care about you either. I wanted to lie from the top of my lungs.

– Get up! – I wasn’t moving. – Olivia, get up this instant! – I could hear the anger. She was pissed but I couldn’t sense caring. Not one tiny bit. I put the pillow over my head. I didn’t feel cared for. I felt hated.

– What are you trying to do?! – she asked angrily.  I guess I felt I had nothing to lose, or maybe it was just the heat of the moment. I turned around and practically shouted at her.

– To get you attention! To make you care about me at least a little bit!!!! – Then I started crying, because the words were so painfully true.

– If you continue behaving like this you can only make me care less. – she said in a cruelly calm and cold tone.

– You could care less?! … – She looked at me as if saying: you’re about to see how little I can care. She turned around and left the room without a word. I just wanted to die. I started packing, but then I realized I wouldn’t be able to go far with a big suitcase and I didn’t have enough money for a hotel room and the new ticket home. I wasn’t thinking, well not consciously, about what had happened. I was in some robot like state. I got ready, even put make up on, which I don’t normally do. I put all my things in the suitcase and shoved it under the bed. Made the bed. Took my passport, wallet, plane ticket and the bathing suit, left her a note with the money .

“Money’s for any extra charges for the room. I have paid the room for the next 7 days, so you don’t have to worry about anything. I will probably come for my suitcase before the flight. Stay well.”

I went to the first shop, bought a liter of tequila and decided to get real drunk before getting into a bar… I drank too much too fast and fell into a drunken sleep on the beach. When I woke up a woman was sitting next to me. Everything was strangely quiet. I closed my eyes, pretending to be sleeping.

– The sun is about to rise. It would be a pity to miss it. I opened my eyes, thinking I must look like shit.

– I’ll just go freshen up.

– Sure. – she said with a warm smile. I wanted to cry. A stranger was being kinder to me than the woman I had loved for nine years. The woman for whom I would have given up everything. Well I moved to another city for her. I helped her with her work. I was there for her friends. I did everything I could. I accepted the way she treated me… And this stranger cared more about me than she did. Well, I didn’t ask anything from the stranger and I did all those things to get Remy’s love, it wasn’t exactly selfless. So, she was right to hate me… In a way I was practically trying to manipulate her emotions. No wonder she hates me.

I washed my face and drank some water at the beach showers. The sky started its show. I came back and sat next to the woman. She was so peaceful. She wasn’t beautiful, but there was something so tender and at the same time strict about her. I always seem to think that women I love have a tender, beautiful, gentle heart behind the stern, cold mask of distance. So far, I have never felt the tenderness.

– I am  Milica. – We shook hands. We both had  a very firm grip.

– Olivia…. Liv… – I smiled.

-You know, what you did yesterday was dangerous. Something really bad could have happened to you… – she said in a strict but caring voice, looking directly into my eyes. The fact that she seemed to care, brought me to the verge of tears, again! They just dropped down my cheeks. I tried to hold them back.

-It’s over now. – she said and continued looking into the horizon. And the memories of the previous night came flooding back. It’s over. I made it over. I want Remy to be here…. and I wanted to die again, despite Milica’s caring, despite the soothing sound of waves, despite the beautiful colors and the powerful Sun… Nothing mattered. I looked around for the bottle, in all honesty thinking I should be drunk when Remy finds me.

-Looking for this? – Milica was holding the empty bottle and looking at me incredulously. She couldn’t believe my nerve. – You know, if I were you mother, you would be very sorry by now, and you wouldn’t think about drinking again.

In spite of all the sadness my stomach jumped. She was a Top!!! Real life Top! And she was threatening me. Delight and fear combined. I knew she could see it on my face. I looked down at the sand. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe, she is one of those people who just threatens… like, doesn’t mean it.

-I have to go back to the hotel. My daughter is going to wake up soon. Will you be OK, kiddow?

Her daughter…. she wasn’t a Top, she was a Mother.

– Yes, thank you. Thank you for … everything… and I am sorry I made you leave your daughter … and… spend the night here… I am sorry…

– Oh, but that is not your fault. You should be sorry for what you did, and very sorry, but what you just mentioned were my decisions, not yours. I am glad to have met you. I didn’t mind spending a part of the night here.

– I am really glad I’ve met you too. Thank you! – I wanted to hug her. I am a hugger… when I am grateful, when I am happy, when I want to comfort somebody, when I need love… I hug. I wanted to, but Remy said that I shouldn’t do it in public. I was embarrassing her. I remembered the lessons which hurt me, so I didn’t move.

– Isn’t somebody waiting for you? – She asked when she saw I wasn’t leaving.

– No. Nobody. – She looked at me inquisitively and then smiled after she had decided what to do.

– Well, then, come along to have breakfast with us. I am sure Valentine will be happy to meet a new friend. – I felt welcome and decided that feeling sorry for myself could wait a little bit. I’ll have plenty of time for that.

***

After breakfast, we ended up going to a beautiful beach, some 20 kilometers away from the town. Valentine was fun and incredibly smart seven year old. I played with her and taught her French and math and she asked me about a million questions and I invented some stories for her about princesses who didn’t need anyone to save them. She hugged me about a thousand times and about as many times announced that she loved me and that she wanted Milica to adopt me as her sister, which almost made me cry because I’ve wanted an older sister all my life. Milica was reading and glancing at us with a maternal look, and the tender looks weren’t meant just for Valentine. I found out that Milica was raising Valentine alone, that she was a University professor. She was 48, just one year older than Remy. After dinner we were going back to her hotel and my mood was getting worse and Milica was getting more serious. I knew I had to leave. I was grateful for that day. I said I would go stay with a friend in her room and asked if she could drop me off at a hotel on the opposite side of the town (the cheapest one I could find). Valentine started begging me not to leave. She wanted me to tell her a story before bedtime. Although she had already fallen asleep in the car; and she would fall asleep again in two minutes, Milica said:

– Yes. I think you should come with us and tell her a story. – Milica’s tone was strange. It wasn’t strict or cold, but I could see that she was thinking about something. Of course, Milica brought Valentine in her arms and she didn’t wake up not even as her Mom undressed her and kissed her on the forehead. We went outside, on the terrace. When we sat down, she started:

– Look. I didn’t buy that thing about your friend at that cheap hotel. And that will be the last time you lied to me. OK? – She was serious, strict, but almost businesslike.

– Yes. I am sorry.

– You should be. – she continued matter-of-fact-ly with a tiny bit more of closeness and I realized the businesslike quality was due to the fact that she must have thought about what to tell me and she was giving me a prepared speech. She continued: – If you want, you can stay here – my heart jumped! She wanted me to stay! I wasn’t boring to her, I wasn’t a pest to get rid of, she was fine with my company.  – buuuut, we have to talk first. You need to tell me why you did what you did yesterday. Or you will stay only for tonight and then tomorrow morning you will have to either introduce me to somebody who knows you, or go home. Of course, you can leave tonight if you wish, but I wouldn’t be very pleased about it.

I imagined Remy’s face if she knew I was telling someone about our … relationship… friendship… nothing… our nothing…. Anyhow she would hate me for telling strangers things about her life. But I really didn’t want to go home. Only then did I realize that Remy might have called my Mom! I panicked thinking about how worried my Mom must be and if something happened to her because of the worry. I turned on my phone and saw two dozens of messages and missed calls. All from Remy. I called my Mom, she didn’t know anything, thank God! She didn’t deserve to worry. She is a wonderful Mom. And then I read all Remy’s messages starting with the “Where are you?” that morning at 7 am to “Olivia, call me right away! I will call the police” written about half an hour earlier. I wrote back. “I am well. As I have written in the note, I will pick up the suitcase at some point. If it bothers you just toss it outside. I don’t really care.”

I don’t think 5 seconds passed when the phone started ringing. I could almost feel her anger through the ringing, but I silenced it quickly. After watching the whole show without a word, MIlica said:

– You should pick it up. Face what you have to face. If you want, I can drop you off somewhere.

It started ringing again. I silenced it. Milica’s piercing, unrelenting stare was very convincing.

– You will be here tomorrow? – I practically pleaded.

Yes. – She patted me on the cheek. I hugged her. And she hugged me. If I weren’t imagining, she didn’t really want to let me go. We exchanged phone numbers. I rejected Remy’s third phone call and wrote that I was coming. I mumbled. “Like you care… “

– Not everyone cares in the same way. – Milica said and picked up my chin so she could look into my eyes to see if her message had sunk in. I hugged her again and whispered.

– Thank you for caring the way you care.

****

Our hotel was less than hundred meters away from Milica’s but I was walking very slowly.I met Iggy and Mario on the stairs. Iggy looked at me with an incredible hatred.

– You are really an idiot! – he said as if he was about to threaten me or hit me.

– Oh, go to hell! – I said as if he is the least important person in the world.

He got even angrier and wanted to punch me or whatever, but Mario pulled him down the stairs.

-It’s between the two of them.

– Stupid bitch. – Iggy mumbled. Although I was angry, and hateful, I knew I would want to kill anyone who hurt Remy. So if his behavior was motivated by love toward her, I could understand it.

While I was walking up the stairs I didn’t know whether I still loved Remy that much. I only knew I felt fear and guilt. It was overwhelming. I felt like running back to Milica when Remy opened the door and pulled me inside. She looked horrible. Like she hadn’t slept in days. Her hands were trembling. I felt she hated me. She slapped me hard. My lip did bleed this time. I was just standing there, looking at the floor, tears flowing down my cheeks. I could see her trembling hands. I loved her. And I was so, sooo sorry. She must have been worried sick. She had been panicking. The whole day. She must have gotten home in the morning and probably didn’t stop worrying since.

– I should have never let you come. What would I have told your mother if something had happened to you!? – My mother!? So she only felt accountable?! She didn’t care. She just felt responsibility…. My heart sank and my anger grew.

– I am an adult. You are not responsible for me. And if you don’t give a fuck – slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap  I thought my ear and my face were going to fall apart. I started sobbing from the pain. She took out a belt from her suitcase and started hitting me on the thighs on the butt on the legs…

– I   swish swat swat … AM responsible…. – I was trying to escape the belt and growled back through the tears and sobs.

– Stop it… You don’t have the right…. – She thew the belt on the floor, sat on the bed and started crying, her face in her hands. Her whole body was convulsing with the sobs. I was sorry. I was sorry for everything I had put her through. I loved her even if she didn’t love me. I knelt in front of her. And put my hand on her knees.

– I am sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I just thought you didn’t want me here and I … I was hurting and… I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing to you – she looked at me with so much anger and, I thought, hatred.

– What do you want from me? – she asked desperately. And I realized I couldn’t expect anything. I realized I had killed every single ounce of love in her. I put her through hell and now, now it really was over. Now she really didn’t care. I felt a strange emptiness inside. And a realization of how much I had asked from her; how much I have misinterpreted in our relationship; how often I interpreted her behavior as caring when she was enduring my presence… And also, how much I was pressuring her with that presence. Because she is a good person, she didn’t want to hurt me. And, I who supposedly loved her, I have hurt her…

– Nothing. I am sorry. I’ll take my suitcase and I will be OK. I met someone. And I am in touch with my Mom. I will tell her that I am not staying with you anymore, so I am no longer… I mean, I never was but… now she will know I am not even with you… Remy, I am almost 30 … I am not a kid you are responsible for… I thought you were aware of that. I thought you saw me like that… I can’t say how sorry I am for doing this to you, I just didn’t think that it mattered to you… I thought you would be angry, but, I didn’t think you would worry…

Yes, tears made my cheek sting like hell… but my heart hurt so much worse. Was I saying goodbye to the one I loved?? I couldn’t stand it. I really just wanted to drop dead then and there. She wiped away her tears, sighed and looked at me. It was a long look. Undecipherable. Maybe a little empty, and sad. I continued:

– I wish I could turn back time. I would have done everything differently, and I definitely wouldn’t have ruined your holiday. And this, yesterday and today, I wanted a reaction, I was behaving childishly, but I wasn’t expecting that you would worry this much.

-What you did was incredibly selfish,

-I know…. I am sorry…. –

After a long silence, she sighed and she said looking at my lip:

-We have to put some ice on that. – weeeeeeeee again, she said weeeeeeeeeeeeee  what does that mean.. ????????

ROBIN 3

I was looking at my butt in the mirror… I had cellulite on my thighs and on the butt… and the butt was just too big… She will be disgusted by it.
Well, I love Selena although she is slightly overweight and has cellulite… but I have never had sex with her… I wanted her as my Top, but not so much as a sexual partner… Oh, come on, who am I kidding… if she were into me, I would have been happy to be with her… But, that’s different, I loved her….
But, what if Robin takes one look at me naked and tells me that she has changed her mind about me! She is so fit … she is gorgeous… Maybe I could call her, tell her that I am sick, and starve myself for a couple of days… start exercising… and then… maybe… oh… who am I kidding… I could never starve myself… I wish I was anorexic*…
Robin was calling me! She was downstairs! Oh, why didn’t I stop eating at least two days ago… at least my belly would have been flat…

***
A stern face awaited for me behind the wheel.
– Why weren’t you ready?
– I am sorry…
– I know. But, I asked you a question. – I knew the tone, so I decided to go with honesty.
– I got freaked out about my weight and I spent too much time contemplating how to avoid the part where you see it… my body. – her face immediately brightened up, she laughed, kissed me and started the car.
– It is unavoidable, honey.

After a couple of minutes I realized that we were not going to the restaurant.
– umm… Where are we going?
– My place. – she was cheerful, and then she added teasingly – So I can see your body. We’ll have dinner later.
– No, no, no… please… please… I am not ready…!
– Don’t panic! – I think the whole situation was amusing her –  I’ll just do something to relax you and turn your mind away from those toxic thoughts. – She gently squeezed my hand
-What? – I wasn’t sure that I liked that she was amused… I wasn’t ready to have sex… I wasn’t ready for anything…
– You’ll see. – Does she mean spanking… ???

It was going to happen!! I had butterflies in my stomach and I could barely breathe. For a second I forgot about my body issues and my focus went to the spanking part. I was excited and terrified… and then I looked at my thighs and I realized that this would be the moment of truth… We will either get closer or break up today….

***
She left the keys on the counter and told me to go to the bathroom if I needed to.
I went, and I realized I was already wet! Thank god for the daily pads! I changed it and went back into the unknown.

She was sitting on the couch , and she had a wooden spatula on the coffee table.

– Come here. – she pointed to the spot in front of her. I could hear my blood pumping in my ears. I must have blushed. I could see that it was just a play. She wasn’t truly strict or angry. I was aroused and sooo scared at the same time. My legs were trembling… my whole body was trembling…
I got to the spot, her beautiful eyes locked with mine and then I remembered the cellulite, again. She started lifting the skirt but I stopped her and held her hands.
– I really have cellulite.
– Honey, everybody does. – she said with a sweetest comforting smile, and then, since I wasn’t letting go of her hands and I was looking at her with panic on my face, her face changed into a toppy one. – Now, let go of my hands or I am taking the spatula.

I slowly released them. Her hands free, she lifted the skirt, rolled her eyes and with a hpmf said “cellulite” which was helpful for my self-esteem, although I wasn’t quite sure she really meant it. At least she wasn’t disgusted… at least… I was hoping she wasn’t…  She let my skirt fall back down, but took my forearm.
-OK, now, come here – she said as she was pulling me to her lap.
-No, no… wait, wait. –  She stopped, while still holding my forearm and waiting for me to say why she was waiting. I was incredibly nervous, despite waiting for this moment my whole life. My heart was thumping like crazy. “How should I do this? How should I do this??” The voice asking the question was basically stopping me from thinking about the answer.
-Yes?
-well… nothing… I am just scared…
-Oh, you should be – she said, while suppressing a chuckle. And, then, my butt was over her lap! She held my waist to adjust the position. There were ten thousand thoughts in my head and none of them was intelligible.
 It was so wonderful, and intimate, and close, but at the same time I felt waaaay tooo exposed and I was worried I looked funny and fat and … She put her hand on my back and the other one on my thigh.
-Better?
-No!
– Ok, breathe…- She was rubbing my back, and I started feeling so peaceful, when a thought popped into my head:
-Am I too heavy? – I said as I was trying to get up and lift my weight off of her.
In the next second she pushed me down and started spanking sooo fast! SLAP Slap-slap-slap!
– Robin! – She lifted my skirt up and continued the speedy spanking. The noise of the slaps was so strange. I wished she would scold me, like in the stories. Also, at first I thought that her hand must hurt more than my butt but then the sting started building up.
– Honey…? Robin ?? – she was not slowing down… My hand slipped to the floor. This time I tried to get up because it started hurting, but her hand on my back wasn’t letting me budge. And the spanks became harder!! I did not expect that!
– It really hurts now!
-The next time you try to escape I am taking the spatula.
– But it hurts…
– But it’s a spanking! –  She said mockingly. However, she was slowing down and making the spanks much lighter. She finally laid her hand on my burning butt.
– Is it over? – I was on the verge of crying. Not only because of the sting, which wasn’t so bad, but because of some pent up feelings I couldn’t even define,… and also because it dawned on me that I have somebody who will spank me if I make mistakes, and somebody who actually doesn’t mind the things I hate about my body! I couldn’t wait to hug her.
– Almost. – she sounded so serious – I will give you five spanks with the spatula just so you know what you’re getting yourself into if you break the rules.
– But, Robin… – I started whining…
– Are you ready, honey?
-No…. Roooobin… – I was still whining…. when she changed her tone:
-Get ready.- splat!
-OOOOOOOOOOuch! ouu…That was baA- Ad! Ooo-one ouch was enough! Robiiiin!
-It’s over now. Come – I somehow scrambled to my knees, on the floor and then sat next to her. She welcomed me into a hug.
– Honey… I thought I was going to get turned on by this, but it actually hurt!
– You will get turned on when it’s a play spanking, and it will hurt a whole lot more if you disobey or break any rules. – With that she hugged me and held me like she was happy I existed. Although she we are about the same height I felt smaller, protected, safe, loved…My God these feelings are so wonderful, especially after years of Selena’s indifference and coldness.

*(these are character’s thoughts. As a writer, I am aware of the horrors of anorexia…)

ANNA AND NATALIE 5

During the two weeks before the finals Nat really saved my life. I had to get up early, eat properly and if I didn’t have classes, I had to sit at the dinning room table and study. No TV, no phone, no going out except to the store and throwing out the trash which were ways to get some fresh air. She released me of all other chores. Once I even got couple of warning swats with the wooden spoon for washing the dishes instead of finishing a chapter I had started before the dinner was done.


***
That day when she found out about everything, I started surprising myself with the effort I was capable of. No problems concentrating with her working on her laptop across the table. When my mind would start wondering and I ended up staring into nothing (you know that feeling when you’re not looking at anything really but you’re eyes are open), she could somehow feel it, I don’t know. Not even fully looking up she would just say: “Anna” and my stomach would turn and my butt cheeks start tingling, and concentration was back.

After about three hours and only one bathroom break I was starting to feel tired and more importantly studying became way more difficult. I was struggling but didn’t dare say anything. Almost an hour of that torture worked its way up, painting my thoughts black. “I can’t do it. This is all in vain. It’s impossible!! What was I thinking? I am dropping out and that’s it.” I must have been breathing differently and/or making faces but when I lifted my head decided to tell her that I’m giving up I saw a stern inquisitive glare awaiting for me.
The courage dissipated at once and only despair was left. I guess she felt sorry, although her face didn’t show it. To be quiet honest I didn’t take too good a look because I lowered my eyes and mumbled:
“I am sorry Nat… I am sorry for everything but I really can’t do this… It’s impossible… I mean for me… I am not capable of…”
“You are very much capable. I will, however, accept whichever result, as long as I see the effort we agreed upon. What I won’t tolerate is giving up, feeling sorry for yourself or any other bad behavior. I don’t care if you have to study standing at this table, but you will do as I say, because I know you will be happy in the end. And I want you to be happy.” I wanted to disagree… I wanted to scream BUT I AM NOOOOOT CAPABLE… 
“Why can’t I remember anything if I am so capable?! Why can’t I even understand this shit?!” I fell silent under her glare. She took her glasses off, slowly. And I was already having second thoughts and regretted my words. She closed her laptop, just as slowly, and got up. Now I know that she was thinking about the right move: should she just grab the wooden spoon and give me a release from the vicious circle of my thoughts, should she quiz me on what I had been reading – but what if I truly didn’t remember, then she would be proving my point, should she just let me go for that night, it was quiet late after all. She took the wooden spoon before she had actually decided what to do. Finally it clicked. She had to know the truth, proving my point or not.
But that night, not knowing her train of thoughts I almost peed  when I saw her go for the wooden spoon because my butt was still so sore. I noticed that my eyes were already full of tears and my lips curling, I felt like remembering and understanding were up to me. Like not being able to memorize or comprehend was for the lack of effort not for the lack of intelligence or memory capacity. And of course, I was sorry….
“I am soooryy,… Nat… please I am sorry… please I will study… please don’t any more… please…I can’t take any more….” She stood in front of me with the spoon in her right hand and looked at me.
She was still angry about the whole thing, but at that moment she was touched by my sincere repentance. For some reason she decided that hugging me at that moment would be counter productive. (How could it ever be counter productive!!!? I mean, hug is the most wonderful thing you can do at any point!) She moved the book closer to her.
I was surprised. I expected her to order me to go over her lap or to grab me by the arm, although she had never actually spanked me over her lap or by her hand, which I regretted, seeing in it the love I read about in FF domestic discipline relationships.
“Stand up” And I did. My quivering legs somehow holding me.
She started reading random sentences and demanded I talked about them. At first I felt awkward and scared and didn’t speak that well, but later when she put the spoon down, took her glasses and sat in my chair I started feeling better. The first time I didn’t know the answer at all, I got scared again, but she just wrote something down and continued. After half an hour she gave me the list of pages I had to go over. If I didn’t know something on page 45 for example, she wrote down the question, and I had to reread 44, 45 and 46. The list was pretty long, but the feeling that it all depended on my effort hadn’t left me. Well, at least not that night.
***
After two days of progress and cheerfulness, I realized I was actually already a whole day behind the schedule she devised that fateful day. She didn’t say anything and she seemed relatively satisfied, but I wasn’t. I knew I would do badly despite of the torturous hours of trying. I was already sleepy that morning and when Nat left for work I went to the couch and fell asleep immediately. I kept waking up, thinking I heard the phone, or someone knocking at the door, and then falling asleep again in the matter of seconds. After having wasted 5 hours I finally got up, mad at myself. The goal felt so far out of my reach that I didn’t even think of trying to study. I went for the food. Half an hour later, disgusted by myself, I went to the bathroom crying, hitting myself in the belly, wanting to hurt myself so badly… I just wanted to die.
I threw up and cried, and when all but the stomach acid was out, I rinsed like twenty times and cried some more… hit my head with palms of my hands, then washed my face, then punched my thighs…. barely retained myself from doing something worse…
I didn’t hear her come in.
I was sitting by the bathtub hugging my knees. The tears had run dry. And except for the deep scratch on my upper arm where I dug in the nails at some point, and the red puffy eyes with a couple of capillaries, there weren’t other traces of what had been happening in there.
She startled me :”Anna…?”
I got up quickly and got pretty dizzy. For a second I just saw darkness and some sparkling dots, but I pretended that I was looking at the floor.
“Sweetie, are you ok?” She held me and I hugged her. I didn’t want to let her go, ever. She was stroking my hair, and kissed me couple of times. I just held her in my arms, my face on her shoulder and in her beautiful hair. Finally she gently pushed me and held my face in her hands. I loved the sound of her bracelets when she moved her hands.
“What happened, sweetie? Were you throwing up? Were you sick?”
I knew that I shouldn’t lie, but it would be so easy… how about a half-truth. I want her to love me and hold me. I don’t want her to get angry. But, by the time I looked up, her expression had changed. 
 I couldn’t decipher it. Was she suspicious, angry, disappointed, worried..? Could she know what had happened. My brain was so slow.
“I am sorry… I ate a lot… I… ” I wanted to say I got sick, but she finished instead of me.
“You made yourself throw up?”  My eyes must have betrayed me. “Anna, are you bulimic?… Oh, my God, you are… Sandra warned me…” The realization hit her.  “Let’s go sit down.” She took me by the arm gently, but I winced because she placed her hand on the scratch.
“What’s …” and she saw it. Her eyes grew deeper, darker. She was speechless.
I felt even worse. Like a stupid freak, psycho, idiot…
I wanted her to yell at me, to punish me, not to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t want to be some psycho case…
“It’s nothing, Nat. I’ll just go back to the studying, ok? I haven’t done too much today. I ate and I was sick, and I threw up… yes, I did it on purpose, but because I got sick. I am not bulimic or any of that stuff. And as for the scratch,… ” I was trying to think fast, but no good explanation would come to my mind. I glanced at her face to check how I was doing so far, but she wasn’t strict. She was serious and worried. I could see that she was thinking about something else, not even listening to me.
 “OK? So,…  do you want a cup of coffee? I really need one.” I dared and at least partially succeeded.
“Yeah, sure” She said absentmindedly and went to the living room.


Why did I accept this responsibility. I never wanted to be a mother… I should have known that would be my role here…Well… I am the father… and the mother is 2000 miles away… missing her… Kimberly would have noticed it … but, ok… she would have freaked out and probably sent her to the shrink or something because she would have felt helpless… Should I make an appointment with the psychiatrist? I know what my Felicia would do… she would have spanked her, and then made her eat cooked meals until she finishes what’s on the plate… Am I becoming my mother, God! But that sounds like a very good idea actually. no…. it sounds like an easy and bullying solution… and dealing with the consequences… What?! 
“Sorry, Anna, what did you say?”
“I… said here’s your coffee and … I asked if you were ok…? And…. I didn’t say it, but I am sorry about everything… I am sorry for being such a mess and always… taking so much of your energy… I really want to be a perfect kid… I mean… person… and I would love if I could make your life better not worse… I am sorry…”
Natalie didn’t know what to say. She isn’t one of those people who would comfort you and say no, you’re no trouble, although they actually think you are.
I thought she was quiet because she had nothing nice to say. She patted the couch beside her and I sat.
“How often do you throw up after overeating?” she asked calmly with concern in her voice. I couldn’t sense one bit of anger or disgust and felt tempted to say the truth, but I thought it would be OK if changed it just a little bit.
“Well… sometimes… it’s like once in three weeks, sometimes… it’s less…”
“And sometimes it’s more often??”
“Well, usually it’s really not even once a month, but… like I think it’s connected to my period, … I get sad… or… nervous…”
 Ok, does this mean she’s not bulimic if it’s not that often? Is this not too often?! How much is she lying? Agrrr I’ll need a psychiatrist!! 
“And what about that scratch?”
oh-oh… Why did she have to go there?! Shit… what do I tell her… what is half of the truth … it happened … no… let’s say a quarter of the truth….
“Well couple of times a year, when I am really stressed out… I … ”  I wanted to say hate myself, but I knew that would be too much. She couldn’t help me with that… “I … got anrgy…” Oh, why didn’t I go for a lie?! Why is she looking at me so attentively. Can she read my mind?
 Couple of times a year is probably every month… Does she cut herself? 
“Take off your shirt.” She said it as if we were just talking about my tan or a something. “Why?” I was buying time. I didn’t look, I mean usually I don’t get bruises, I don’t hit myself that hard…well on my legs … a couple of times but not on the belly… I really don’t hit hard… Yeah, I’ll give her the top if she lets me keep the bottom.
“And your sweatpants” Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez is she freakin’ reading my mind!
“Come on, Nat it’s… “
“Anna, now.” Before I met her I never knew that someone could practically whisper and make you obey as if they’d yelled your head off. I was standing in my panties and the sports bra, the sweat pants around my feet and the T-shirt in my hands.
“Turn around” I wished that there was a mirror so I could see what she saw. I felt so embarrassed.
 Ok, so it wasn’t psycho all the way, maybe a tantrum… If she were a toddler, she’d be over my knees and never repeat it again. But this is deeper… Kimberly!!! This is your fault!!! 
“You can put your clothes on and tell me what you did today. The whole day, and don’t you dare… No, actually, keep the sweatpants down and come closer, it might be good for you memory.”
Oh, for God’s sake tell her the truth. Tell her the truth… she’s looking so stern… aaaa… I can’t tell her…
“Well… when you left I studied for a while… and… then…”
“How long a while?”
“Well for about… two and… well three … yes about… three and half” SWAT! Ooouch!
“Would you like to reconsider your answer?”
“No, I did…” Swat, swat, swat … and then I tried to move away and finally got what I had thought I wanted… a loving over the knee hand spanking… and.. oh, was I wrong for wanting it.
“Naaaaaaat!” I was surprised. My head on the couch cushion, feet kicking the coffee table. I tried to get up, but she just locked me down with her left arm and adjusted my body so she had a better hold of my waist. “But you can’t!”
“I swat can’t swat swat swat!?! Yes,  swat I can swat swat take a baby swat swat over my swat swat knee” She didn’t bother with making the spanking even. My right butt cheek was about to be set on fire any moment now.
I was bawling within minutes. There was something about the position, it wasn’t just the pain. The vulnerability and the closeness.
“Please … Nat… plea- ease… ” She was slowing down, and I was feeling a bit better actually, I mean emotionally, when she ruined it by saying.
“Ok, now that you’ve been spanked like a baby, do you care to tell me the truth, or should I go get the belt?” Where did the love I thought I felt go?!The caring!? The closeness! Why wasn’t she helping me get up and hugging me, and stroking my hair, clean slate and all… ?
-Don’t – SWAT – owww – try swat – owww- to swat swat swat -get up -SWAT – aoooww
“okaaay…Whe- en youuuuuu weeeent I caaaa-aaame here aaaand slept until about one….aaa-nd theeen I-I ate like aa –aa pig.. SWAT. …Plee- eease don’t spank me aa- any more…. I love -you” She released my waist and then I finally got my hug.
“I know, sweetie, I love you, too. And from now on you have to tell me the truth, ok?” She held my face in her hands and made me look in those beautiful hazel eyes as I promised I would.

“Go wash your face and come back so we can revise our plan, ok?”
“Can’t I stay here a little bit longer? I really need a hug…” I was imploring her knowing that I wasn’t going to get a hug after she sees how far behind I am on ‘our’ plan…
“Oh, you big baby. What will I do with you?” She said as she put her arms around me.